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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel uncomfortable when friend talks about money?

136 replies

Lizzie523 · 21/07/2020 17:24

I have been close friends with a woman for about 10 years. She is probably my closest friend of all. We have never talked about money in our friendship but over the last 6 months or so she frequently raised the topic. We are both in our late 20s and just starting to move towards more well paid jobs.

She decided she deserved a promotion, saying ('well I am only on this but I should get ££' - already way more than me btw and I am decently paid). Last time myself and another friend were with her we felt out of our depth. Both of us spent years travelling and working while she has saved a lot of money and is now thinking about getting a house and a mortgage.

Anyway I saw her the other day and she started talking loudly about money, in public again and I was cringing so much. Blush

AIBU? She comes from a wealth family who puts money above everything but she never did. She votes Labour, says she is a socialist and I suppose going on about her capital was never a subject before. Her parents put a lot of pressure on her to be successful so it might be coming from that.

But what now bothers me is the last few times I've seen her she keeps pushing me to ask for a promotion and more money. Since when did this become such a hot topic? I dont know how to steer away from it but it is bothering me.

OP posts:
saraclara · 21/07/2020 18:18

Simply say that you're not comfortable talking about money and that you'd rather not discuss what to you is a private subject.

Don't make it sound like you disapprove of her talking about it. But you're absolutely entitled to draw your own privacy line wherever you like. Say it firmly and ask if you can change the subject.

SlinkyStairs · 21/07/2020 18:21

I would feel awks as well. No interest in talking about detailed personal finances with close friends, I think we are all of a decent background and have been brought up that its a rather vulgar subject to talk about. Perhaps she is 'new money' these people dont love to boast about their newly found success at every opportunity.

Just be honest with her. Tell you find it cringe when in public and if she is a good friend she will tone it down. If she doesnt respect your stance then she isnt a very good friend and perhaps it might be time to phase her out.

eatyourcake · 21/07/2020 18:22

Gosh why money is such a taboo topic? If you are such good friends, you should be able to tell her you are not earning as much, can't afford this or that, have different goals, and not interested in a promotion. What's the big deal? Just tell her how you feel.

Also, £3K difference in your salaries? I thought it would 10 times that, from the way you sound.

Shoxfordian · 21/07/2020 18:22

I don't think there's anything wrong with talking about money, I talk about it with my friends but if you don't want to then make it clear to her.

Timesdone · 21/07/2020 18:25

Can someone please explain why it is vulgar?

eatyourcake · 21/07/2020 18:25

Nothing vulgar about money, we all need it to survive.

Iwalkinmyclothing · 21/07/2020 18:25

If she's a good friend surely she'll accept "I'm not really interested in talking about this" from you?

LadyPrigsbottom · 21/07/2020 18:27

@Timesdone

Can someone please explain why it is vulgar?
Tbh, I think it's considered vulgar because old money isn't concerned about making any! So we all have to make out that we're landed gentry who doesn't even think about such low minded things Hmm.

Also, it may be that it's seen as hinting for hand outs or showing off.

FrugiFan · 21/07/2020 18:29

@Lizzie523

But I am interested to hear people think it is so bizarre to NOT talk about money. Obviously other people do.
I know the approximate salaries of most of my friends and their other halves. We dont specifically sit down and talk about money but it comes up from time to time and you get the gist of how well off someone is. E.g. they might mention how much their mortgage payments are or how much they spend on various things.
newyearnoeu · 21/07/2020 18:30

I'm with op -there are occasions when it could be normal/good to talk about money - advice on investments, discussion how to save to afford a first home etc. And if course its perfectly normal to moan if you are broke! But from what op has said these aren't those kind of money conversations, it's simply her friend bragging about how much she earns, wanting to compare it against what her friends earn, and then encouraging them to earn more when they don't want to, at the expense of their own wishes, purely because it's something she values. Those sort of money conversations are a) boring and b) rude - it sounds like op and other friend have made it very clear they don't feel comfortable discussing finances but moneyfriend carries in anyway.

Would it be ok if a slim friend was bragging about their figure to friends struggling with their weight, or a loved up friend going on and on about their wedding when another friend had just been cheated on, or boasting about a promotion to friends who had been made redundant? No?

Those putting a feminist spin on it by saying how only companyowners/bosses benefit when wages are taboo -yes but doesn't sound like op and her friend are in the same sector let alone company so this point is not applicable at all in this scenario. What would, for example, a nurse hope to gain by telling her boss that her friend in finance in the city is on three times her wage?

Apart from anything else surely there are a million more interesting things for close friends to talk about?!

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 21/07/2020 18:35

That is exactly it @newyearnoeu. I eventually managed to steer the conversation back to our usual fun topics but she now raised it every time I see her. I reckon she feels under pressure from her well off parents who also want her to marry a rich man.

Many of her life decisions are dictated by what her parents want, from career path to choice of man. She told me she really wanted to go for a lower paid career path last year due to sheer passion for the subject but decided it against it when her parents gave her a talking to. We are adults fs.

OP posts:
verypeckish · 21/07/2020 18:36

Continually talking about money is crass, especially when the person issuing the monologue knows they are better off than their victim. It's rubbing salt into the wound.

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 21/07/2020 18:36

Maybe I should avoid being too extreme about it. I dont wish to discuss my finances but a couple of PPs made a good point about how women not talking about their finances is only to mens benefit!

OP posts:
Tappering · 21/07/2020 18:36

I'm on the fence about this.

OTOH I dislike being nagged and lectured, so I'd be telling her to stop banging on about it. Fine for her to have her plans, but that doesn't entitle her to bore for England about what you should be doing.

OTOH the whole 'it's vulgar to discuss money' is a control tool which is designed specifically to make people shy away from discussing how much they earn. And by encouraging secrecy around earnings, it allows companies to get away with salary inequality. If I had my way, a firm would publish everyone's salaries and there would be complete transparency about who earns what - which would soon put a stop to some of the crap that goes on. Like where Martin gets £10k more than Marie despite there being nothing between them in terms of experience, talent and output.

UmmH · 21/07/2020 18:37

YANBU. It is rude and boring to go on about money all the time, and insensitive to talk about how much you earn especially around people who may earn less. I have no idea how much my friends earn. So long as I have career satisfaction and enough for my needs then I don't need to compare myself to anyone else.

Your friend might be trying to encourage you, but it sounds a bit overbearing. Have a chat with her and gently ask her to desist.

gypsywater · 21/07/2020 18:40

I'm house hunting and one friend keeps asking me to send photos of houses I want to view! No way. Noone needs to know how much money I have for a house. It's so bad mannered to ask.

QuiteCleanBandit2020 · 21/07/2020 18:47

@Lizzie523

But I am interested to hear people think it is so bizarre to NOT talk about money. Obviously other people do.
I don't talk about mymoney-ever.

No one else business except mine and DH.
I do talk in general terms, read about finances, am frugal and interested in current affairs, politics etc
There is a difference .
People who yap on about their personal finances usually look at me expectantly and ... silence Grin

InTheWings · 21/07/2020 18:48

My real concern is that we are starting to have different values. While I do care about money in terms of stability and enjoying life, I dont care about being rich

Use this as a basis for conversation. Ask her if her financial success is driving a need for more financial success. Tell her you are pushing progression in a different way (will move in from your company when the time is right) and you see money as a way to support your other passions.

It is uncomfortable for you because that is how you were brought up to view money and the way it is discussed. But discussing what money brings you in your respective lives is not vulgar.

TinyMetalBirds · 21/07/2020 18:50

What is it about talking about money that is wrong, OP? I get that you were brought up not to do it, because it is "vulgar" - but why is it vulgar? Also a PP said it is insensitive to talk about money around people who earn less - I agree that it would be wrong to go on about how skint you are when you earn ten times as much as the person you are talking to, but if nobody is allowed to discuss money, how do they know that disparity exists?
Personally I think knowing what everybody's salary was would be really helpful both in terms of knowing how much you should be paid and also when arranging activities, evenings out etc. As it is you have to guess whether a particular restaurant is going to be OK for everyone, or if it's OK to book a friends' weekend away in Paris or if we should really be discussing a night out in the local town centre.
Noone needs to know how much money I have for a house. It's so bad mannered to ask But why???

BigYellowFlower · 21/07/2020 18:51

Hmm to the posters saying it's sour grapes on the part of the OP!

I'd say it's more the friend feeling smug about her job and earnings and wants everyone to know about it.

Telling the OP to go for promotion is (IMO) a sly way of starting a (non existent) competition with the OP, as if she doesn't, or can't, then it's suggestive that either OP is unambitious if she doesn't go for a promotion, or is unable to get one.

OP, when the friend brings it up and makes an issue of it, I'd just make non-committal noises, change the topic, or say smilingly, "But DF! Enough about me! We haven't possibly heard enough about you and your work! Wink"

gypsywater · 21/07/2020 18:52

@TinyMetalBirds Because it is really nosy! It's a very personal topic.

BigYellowFlower · 21/07/2020 18:53

gypsywater if you do buy a house, the sold price is available for all to see online a few months later, so they'd find out exactly what you paid for it anyway. Just saying in case you weren't aware.

Jeremyironsnothing · 21/07/2020 18:54

My friends and I, from different groups, discuss most aspects of our private lives. In fact we probably overshare but actually money is probably the last taboo.

I know roughly their financial positions from general conversations about inheritances, btl's, jobs and spending habits, but detail is never discussed. It's strange that that is really the only thing we don't share.

heartsonacake · 21/07/2020 18:55

So it is said in the context of 'well I dont earn enough' when she already earns a lot for her age. I feel like saying and I earn a pittance do I?

It’s not about you, OP, stop projecting. She’s saying she doesn’t earn enough for her liking; she’s not making reference to you or your finances at all.

IndiaMay · 21/07/2020 18:57

I feel like it's often pushed that it's not the 'done thing' to talk about money so people dont know they're underpaid and theres people doing the same job being paid less, especially in comparison to men.

Your friend thinks you should push for more money, why shouldn't you? Why shouldn't she? She clearly thinks shes worth it. Saying she shouldn't talk about money is feeding the pay gap

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