AIBU to not invite the teetotal vegan?

[CyanSnake]

I know the title sounds horrible; but I’m not sure how else to phrase it? Also sorry for basically giving my life story but I don’t want to dripfeed.

Every so often I host dinner parties and games evenings for my groups of friends. We normally also use these to raise a bit of money for local charities. Call it twee if you want, but I normally have some sort of theme, for example at new year I threw one that was Italian - with homemade pasta etc.

There is a small group of 6-8 whom I invite although most often not, not all attend due to work and other commitments. Most of these friends have no dietary requirements apart from one who is a teetotal vegan. Now, this normally isn’t an issue as soft drink is always an option and I normally make a vegan version of dishes that I need to. Last time I hosted; just before lockdown, I challenged myself and cooked everything vegan. We also made the night alcohol free and made virgin cocktails etc...

Now; to get to the point. I’ve been dabbling in old recipes from the form of cury, which is a medieval cookbook - it’s been sort of my lockdown hobby. And, I’d like to host (appropriately socially distanced and in the garden!) a sort of medieval banquet themed dinner. The problem is veganism didn’t really exist then; and frankly I know it’s harsh but I just can’t be bothered to create vegan versions of each course. This is compounded by the fact that this friend is a bit flaky and sometimes backs out at the last minute citing “headache” or a “cold”. I know I could just invite her and explain that there might not be a lot of food she can eat, but if I do I’ll feel utterly compelled to either faff about trying to make stuff vegan or ill feel guilty all night and it’ll be ruined anyway...

So; would you invite her and try to adapt; or not invite her and cite the guidelines on number of people you can have in the garden?

YABU - Invite the vegan friend
YANBU - Don’t invite the vegan friend.

I feel awful just asking!

Invite but do not attempt parallel vegan dishes - just add some vegan dishes like carrot potage / boiled heritage carrots / spelt bread / quinces or stuff that features in the foods listed here en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Medieval_cuisine#Fruit_and_vegetables

Maybe veg pie.

Appropriate Fruits and nuts for desert.

And make the vegan dishes sides for everyone else.

I'd also warn her in advance if you're planning a whole spitted pig or anything like that! She might prefer to give it a miss...

I do a lot of historical cooking, and I think having some peasant fare along the lines of pottage and bread would be interesting and easy to include. The Form of Cury was Richard 11? So, something for the servants is appropriate. If she doesn’t show, turn it into a base for something else.

Invite her but buy in her food ready made. My brother doesn't expect me to cook two meals.

I sort of suspect that deep down you want an excuse to exclude your annoying vegan friend. I’m just putting it out there that these are you subconscious desires. It’s like you’re throwing a carnivore party and casting a vote on mumsnet so you don’t have to feel bad about sacking her !

Accept that not all friends are solid, some are flakey and we are all imperfect but I think we can expect too much from friendships + be too quick to cut people.

Excluding her would be really hurtful and a dent in your friendship

If you will just feel bad all night because you didn’t make her anything just leave her out this time. The theme isn’t suitable for her

I’m sure the peasants ate loads of vegan pease-pudding type stuff washed down with ale.

I know they didn’t have “ye olde tofu” but surely you could rustle up something for a vegan to eat.

I think the potential for drama if she finds out isnt appealing. I would ask her but explain that there won't be vegan alternatives so you understand if she doesn't want to go, hopefully she will say no and then problem solved!

Invite her and say you don’t want to leave her out, but this is exactly what you are making, and she might want to bring something of her own?

If it was me I would just get a few vegan microwave/cold bits and pieces from the vegan aisle/fridge in Asda or Tesco.

Maybe make her a cous cous with peppers etc and possibly a bit of vegan cheese cubed over the top.

Or vegan fajitas.

Why did you all go alcohol-free/ virgin cocktails??

A lot of "mocktails" are delicious!

Potatoes weren't discovered then were they?

No, they weren't. Not until the mid to late 1500's I think.

My DS is a "teetotal vegan" if he was invited to a similar thing assuming he wanted to come, which I know he wouldn't because you're right OP it does sound "twee" and he cant stand the sort of thing, anyway if wanted to come he would happily bring his own food and drink rather than inconvenience you. He and I are usually no great fan of M and S or ready meals but you can get not bad M and S vegan ready meals including churros which I think are acceptable to both vegans and non vegans. The last time I looked admittedly at the beginning of the year they vegan ready meals were on a meal deal and Im sure you got a non alcoholic drink included.
Be nice give your friend the option of coming or not. For those of us who are not vegans its easy to be irritated by it but for them it is all part of their commitment to a way of life.

If she’s part of the group of friends normally then i think you should invite her. It’s not hard and doesn’t have to be time consuming to make a vegan meal or like others have said explain the theme doesn’t really fit with vegan and ask her to bring her own. I think you’re making a problem where there isn’t one.

@Piglet89

What’s the teetotal bit got to do with it?

I wondered the same. For years past, whenever we have people round for a meal/drinks (even family) you can bet at least half will take only soft drinks/water and refuse any alcohol either because they're driving or "on call".

@UpCountryBagLady hahahaha

Invite her and do a couple of vegan dishes, or buy something vegan and cook it

It does seem quite telling that there are so many "I dont see why you can't just rustle up a Dahl " type replies on here.

Isn't it OK to say to someone "I want to make this specific thing and get drunk, please come and join me if you want to"?

What kind of person responds to that with "that isn't the kind of thing I like to do, you should make separate arrangements for me so that I don't feel left out" rather than "that's not for me, see you for the next thing"?

I'm a nearly teetotal vegan.... So you could be writing this about me! Although I'm not flaky and sure my friends wouldn't leave me out..

At dinner parties, I always bring a veggie offering. Although when I hold a dinner party, I do meat and veggie options.

Just tell her that the meat dish took ages to cook and you can't be arsed to make a vegan option. Will she bring something?

I would have no issue with this.

something for the servants is appropriate

Oh OP do tell her she's getting the servants' food

What is it with all these flaky vegans? I have a friend who's a vegan, and on no fewer than three separate occasions after confirming his attendance at a party I've gone out of my way to provide vegan options for him and he's just not turned up. I'm talking about parties, not dinner parties, so it's not as rude as it sounds, but I'm not doing it again. He always says not to worry about providing something for him, but I always do, and from now on I'm taking him at his word.

(This is completely beside the point but on a fourth occasion I made tofu canapés especially for him, and before he arrived, two friends had a hilarious time posting them methodically into the mouth of one of them's very carnivorous tofu-refusing husband and laughing at him for not realising they were tofu I managed to rescue the last few when I realised what was going on, but I'd already told them they were specially for the vegan, so it was hardly likely I was going to have masses of spare tofu to go and whip up another batch, even if I wanted to in the middle of a party. Knobs.)

For those of us who are not vegans its easy to be irritated by it

It does seem to irritate people, I don’t really understand why. 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you're even considering not inviting her then you're obviously not great friends, so I wouldn't invite. It won't be a biggie if you're not close.

There are recipes in that book that happen to be vegan. You could just make some of those for everyone as part of the banquet?
I had a quick look and there's tons of pea and broad bean recipes. There's also a lot of puddings that use almond milk (which is not a modern invention for vegans as lots of people seem determined to think).
The hardest thing to avoid is honey, I think, but some of the puddings do use sugar.

But really, if you are putting that much effort in to make meat dishes for everyone else and couldn't possibly make a vegetable dish, it sounds like you just don't like your friend much and want an excuse not to invite her.

why can't you just buy something? Won't exactly kill you to zap a sweet potato curry for 3 mins surely?

I'm sorry but if you are going to the effort of some medieval style banquet fir everyone else then you cant really even like her that much if that's not a problem but pouring a chunky lentil soup into a pan is too much faff

If u don't like her don't waste her time by inviting her. But don't lable her the problem when the drivers won't want alcohol either and you haven't even asked her if she would be prepared to bring her own.

It does seem to irritate people, I don’t really understand why.

It's a question of skewed representation. The irritating vegans are the ones who let you know within forty seconds of meeting you that they're vegan. I assume they're a vocal minority but people don't always realise it.

I had an Ocado driver corner me in my own garden and start proselytising about veganism last summer, he sounded like a bloody scientologist