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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not invite the teetotal vegan?

529 replies

CyanSnake · 21/07/2020 15:20

I know the title sounds horrible; but I’m not sure how else to phrase it? Also sorry for basically giving my life story but I don’t want to dripfeed.

Every so often I host dinner parties and games evenings for my groups of friends. We normally also use these to raise a bit of money for local charities. Call it twee if you want, but I normally have some sort of theme, for example at new year I threw one that was Italian - with homemade pasta etc.

There is a small group of 6-8 whom I invite although most often not, not all attend due to work and other commitments. Most of these friends have no dietary requirements apart from one who is a teetotal vegan. Now, this normally isn’t an issue as soft drink is always an option and I normally make a vegan version of dishes that I need to. Last time I hosted; just before lockdown, I challenged myself and cooked everything vegan. We also made the night alcohol free and made virgin cocktails etc...

Now; to get to the point. I’ve been dabbling in old recipes from the form of cury, which is a medieval cookbook - it’s been sort of my lockdown hobby. And, I’d like to host (appropriately socially distanced and in the garden!) a sort of medieval banquet themed dinner. The problem is veganism didn’t really exist then; and frankly I know it’s harsh but I just can’t be bothered to create vegan versions of each course. This is compounded by the fact that this friend is a bit flaky and sometimes backs out at the last minute citing “headache” or a “cold”. I know I could just invite her and explain that there might not be a lot of food she can eat, but if I do I’ll feel utterly compelled to either faff about trying to make stuff vegan or ill feel guilty all night and it’ll be ruined anyway...

So; would you invite her and try to adapt; or not invite her and cite the guidelines on number of people you can have in the garden?

YABU - Invite the vegan friend
YANBU - Don’t invite the vegan friend.

I feel awful just asking!

OP posts:
Shamoo · 21/07/2020 15:35

@Samster45 has it nailed.

Leeds2 · 21/07/2020 15:35

As others have said, I would invite her but tell her that what you will be cooking isn't vegan friendly, so she should bring her own food.

TheMandalorian · 21/07/2020 15:36

Just interested in the medieval recipes. What are you going to serve?
You sound like a great host.
I would just ask her if she would like to bring her own thing or sit this one out. Just be honest and don't worry. A phone call or face-to-face conversation is best for this kind of thing. I think you have been very accomodating in the past.

lockdownalli · 21/07/2020 15:37

but if I do I’ll feel utterly compelled to either faff about trying to make stuff vegan or ill feel guilty all night and it’ll be ruined anyway...

That's hardly her fault is it?

You are coming over as a bit of a martyr really. Just invite them, explain what the food options will be, and leave it to them.

No drama.

SunbathingDragon · 21/07/2020 15:37

Invite her, tell her the theme and to bring her own dish if she won’t like what’s on offer.

Timesdone · 21/07/2020 15:38

If she's a good enough friend just tell her you can't be arsed to cater for her separately & say she's welcome to come if she brings her own food. She may be quite happy with those terms, she may says thanks but no thanks or she may just say F Off & don't speak to me again. Either way it'll make it easier next time the situation arises if you remain friends. Alternative is not to ask her & have to cope with unspoken seething resentment/hurt feelings about not being invited.

AntiHop · 21/07/2020 15:38

Invite her and make a separate dish like a potato stew.

Auldspinster · 21/07/2020 15:38

I was going to suggest potage.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 21/07/2020 15:39

Surely you will feel worse leaving her out?

Justaboy · 21/07/2020 15:39

Now; to get to the point. I’ve been dabbling in old recipes from the form of cury, which is a medieval cookbook - it’s been sort of my lockdown hobby

Wow! sounds fun invite me i'm not vegan or veggie:!

Melroses · 21/07/2020 15:40

Turnips?

AnneOfQueenSables · 21/07/2020 15:41

Do you dislike her? It's not complicated to make a vegan course especially when you've had practise cooking them before. If you don't want her there then don't feel forced to ask her but everyone will think it's because you dislike her. The food excuse is weak.

Shoxfordian · 21/07/2020 15:41

Invite her, it's not nice to leave her out

Treacletoots · 21/07/2020 15:42

It sounds like you just can't be bothered OP. There's plenty you could do if you wanted to.

Just be honest with yourself that you can't be arsed this time and don't invite the friend.

I'm also somewhere between vege and vegan so would be surprised that you couldn't find anything suitable, if you wanted to.

ContessaferJones · 21/07/2020 15:42

As a vegan, invite her and explain she might want to bring a dish! Pease pudding might do, perhaps - hearty and protein rich...

Pinkyyy · 21/07/2020 15:44

Given that you did a fully vegan and non alcoholic night, I think YANBU. Does she ever host?

Thislittlelady · 21/07/2020 15:44

I get if someone is veggie, or has food allergies etc but there’s got come a point where grown ups have to account for themselves. Tell her to come but there’s not much in the menu she can have and she might want to bring a main dish of her own. You can’t cater for everyone. And I don’t think your being selfish either.

piscis · 21/07/2020 15:46

The main problem for me would be that sometimes she backs out at the last minute...I also have a vegan friend and I was normally excited to push myself and prepare very nice vegan food. After he backed out a couple of times last minute, I am sorry but I am not adapting my menu for him! He can come and eat whatever he can (my friend is not teetotal at All and much more interested in the alcohol than the food anyway, so no big problem).

Hiccupiscal · 21/07/2020 15:46

Oh my god, please dont cut her out for her lifestyle choices. How hurtful.

Be brave enough to explain, please bring your own food and drink should you wish to come, as this really isn't a vegan friendly themed night.

I rather have the option to come, than be cut out totally due to my lifestyle choices!

AnneOfQueenSables · 21/07/2020 15:46

Maybe don't tell them the book you're using because I just Googled it and it took less than five minutes to find some recipes that could easily be converted to vegan.

Cassilis · 21/07/2020 15:46

YANBU not to cook a separate vegan meal, invite her but give her ready made vegan meal.

YABU about mentioning she is teetotal or excluding her partly for this reason. Why is that relevant? I'm teetotal and would love a medieval banquet, I do get sad when I'm left out of things because people assume I won't enjoy it.

Backtoreality1 · 21/07/2020 15:47

Invite her but buy something ready made from M&S....might not fit the theme but takes the pressure off.

SoupDragon · 21/07/2020 15:48

I would explain the theme and say you can't see how to make a vegan option this time. Say that she is more than welcome to bring a Vegan dish.

Can you make some of the accompaniments Vegan?

Apolloanddaphne · 21/07/2020 15:49

OP has been perfectly up front and stated clearly she cannot be bothered making a vegan option. It sounds like there will be a lot involved in the creation of the medieval banquet as it is. In that case I would tell the vegan that the theme is not vegan at all and that if she would like to join you she will need to provide something she can eat. You really pushed the boat out for her the last time. I am sure she understands you can't do that every time.

Murraygoldberg · 21/07/2020 15:49

Another one who thinks invite her but either tell her to bring her own food or buy a ready meal