AIBU to not invite the teetotal vegan?

[CyanSnake]

I know the title sounds horrible; but I’m not sure how else to phrase it? Also sorry for basically giving my life story but I don’t want to dripfeed.

Every so often I host dinner parties and games evenings for my groups of friends. We normally also use these to raise a bit of money for local charities. Call it twee if you want, but I normally have some sort of theme, for example at new year I threw one that was Italian - with homemade pasta etc.

There is a small group of 6-8 whom I invite although most often not, not all attend due to work and other commitments. Most of these friends have no dietary requirements apart from one who is a teetotal vegan. Now, this normally isn’t an issue as soft drink is always an option and I normally make a vegan version of dishes that I need to. Last time I hosted; just before lockdown, I challenged myself and cooked everything vegan. We also made the night alcohol free and made virgin cocktails etc...

Now; to get to the point. I’ve been dabbling in old recipes from the form of cury, which is a medieval cookbook - it’s been sort of my lockdown hobby. And, I’d like to host (appropriately socially distanced and in the garden!) a sort of medieval banquet themed dinner. The problem is veganism didn’t really exist then; and frankly I know it’s harsh but I just can’t be bothered to create vegan versions of each course. This is compounded by the fact that this friend is a bit flaky and sometimes backs out at the last minute citing “headache” or a “cold”. I know I could just invite her and explain that there might not be a lot of food she can eat, but if I do I’ll feel utterly compelled to either faff about trying to make stuff vegan or ill feel guilty all night and it’ll be ruined anyway...

So; would you invite her and try to adapt; or not invite her and cite the guidelines on number of people you can have in the garden?

YABU - Invite the vegan friend
YANBU - Don’t invite the vegan friend.

I feel awful just asking!

@SarahTancredi

why can't you just buy something? Won't exactly kill you to zap a sweet potato curry for 3 mins surely?

I'm sorry but if you are going to the effort of some medieval style banquet fir everyone else then you cant really even like her that much if that's not a problem but pouring a chunky lentil soup into a pan is too much faff

If u don't like her don't waste her time by inviting her. But don't lable her the problem when the drivers won't want alcohol either and you haven't even asked her if she would be prepared to bring her own.

Yes!

Buy something. There are so many vegan dishes in shops now that you don’t need to go to the hassle of shopping around or making a vegan only dish

I’m teetotal. I don’t like the taste of alcohol, so I wouldn’t be drinking. I’m not a Debbie downer with alcohol though. I still have fun. I just don’t drink

If she goes through the bother of cooking both vegan and meat versions when she hosts, so should you. Otherwise as pp, tell her there won't be many non-meat options, if she wants to bring something.

"What kind of person responds to that with "that isn't the kind of thing I like to do, you should make separate arrangements for me so that I don't feel left out" rather than "that's not for me, see you for the next thing"?"
If you invite someone knowing they are vegan IMO as the host you have two options provide vegan food or ask them to provide their own food an enamel them to heat it up/cook it. After if you invited someone who had a food allergy or religious dietary requirement you would make separate arrangements.
If you don't want to make any effort or give them the option of bringing then own don't invite them they are not going to change their deep rooted principles because you want them to invite them but wont facilitate their dietary requirements.

@MsPants

It does seem quite telling that there are so many "I dont see why you can't just rustle up a Dahl " type replies on here.

Isn't it OK to say to someone "I want to make this specific thing and get drunk, please come and join me if you want to"?

What kind of person responds to that with "that isn't the kind of thing I like to do, you should make separate arrangements for me so that I don't feel left out" rather than "that's not for me, see you for the next thing"?

Well, first and foremost, as far as we know, nobody making those responses is the teetotal vegan in question, so it's really rather different than if OP had asked Teetotal Vegan and got a request from her to make something suitable. OP has asked a bunch of internet ransoms who aren't going to the event, and it's not the same coming from us.

OP's dilemma is about weighing the hassle of teetotal vegan cooking for a flaky person against the possible hurtfulness of not inviting her. That being the case, if we think it's not worth the risks of excluding her, and we can find and suggest an easy dish that fits the theme and the dietary requirements, then it makes sense to bring it to OP's attention. She's free to ignore the suggestions.

The teetotal bit has nothing to do with it. I don't understand why you had a teetotal night because one person is teetotal.
People are driving, pregnant, on call, on antibiotics, don't like alcohol, don't drink - fine. Why does that influence other pelpe's chioces?

Will there be mead and ale?

I'd just make one vegan dish per course, but ignore the theme

and stick a few soft drinks on the table - in summer, some other guests might like a long drik of lime cordial or whatever

However, first contact her to explain the plan, to say you need a definite RSVP bcause her food would be different prep

I’d invite her but make it clear what you’re cooking. Then she can decide whether she wants to come. She probably won’t and you can feel good because you invited her and she doesn’t feel left out.

I think I’d tell her you doing one and unfortunately just don’t have the time to make vegan options this time but if she wants get a takeaway or bring her own for the social aspect she is welcome. If she gets in a huff I think she is being unreasonable- vegan is a massive faff and I resent it when I have to cook for vegans to be honest

It's a question of skewed representation. The irritating vegans are the ones who let you know within forty seconds of meeting you that they're vegan. I assume they're a vocal minority but people don't always realise it

I was vegetarian for 13 tears and vegan for 3. I never expected anything from anyone. Was happy to provide my own or sit in a restaurant with a portion of chips if need be . It was everyone else who was the problem going on and on and on about how they understand why I could cope without bacon and narrating every mouthful of steak. Course despite politely saying no thank you when offered stuff they know you won't eat, somehow you are the one trying to inflict it on everyone else. how about you just let People eat their food in peace ...

The irritating vegans are the ones who let you know within forty seconds of meeting you that they're vegan. I assume they're a vocal minority but people don't always realise it.

I know quite a few vegans and I’m vegetarian. I’m eating more and more vegan foods so probably will be vegan in time. None of us really tell anyone though, we talk about foods we’ve tried to each other but that’s about it. I suppose some are just a bit attention seeking maybe. I’ve had a fair few meat eaters insist on telling me that we’re made to eat meat or make animal noises whilst eating their meat I presume to get at me. 😬 Some people are just idiots and aren’t very good at accepting others choices.

I think you need to invite her but explain that there won’t be much she can eat and let her know that she can bring her own as long as it doesn’t require too much faffing.

I don’t know how you can go medieval without pottage and bread and unless you’re planning on adding byrds, that can easily be vegan.

This reminds me of David Mitchell’s idea of inviting people to a ‘Peruvian’ dinner party and only serving marmalade sandwiches.

SarahTancredi

I’ve had the same experience. Really annoying.

invite her, ask her to bring her own if she does not mind

The problem is that you set it up previously in a way hat had you bending over backwards to accommodate and get all of you to fit in with HER requirements (why?! )

So manage expectations: say you are not up to cooking vegan dishes but would love it if she could bring some.

easy

why exclude her?! Are you this "all or nothing" about everything

Veganism does irritate people. I try and make at least 80% of my meals vegan and choose vegan food when its available but don't expect others to cook it for me if I go out. But even that seems to irritate.
It is for many part of a way of life, my DS is committed to saving the planet, everything has to be recycled, no new clothes, no flying, no animal products, no plastic crap, he leads a simple life with minimal belongings, he encounters lots of intolerance. He doesn't ram his views down the necks of others but others seem very quick keen to ram their views down his neck.

I second potage, or gruel. Peasant food rather than noble, servants would need fed too and to them meat would be a luxury. Trencher bread (without the meat juices).

Let her know what sort of things are on the menu, without judging, and buy in a vegan ready meal she can have if necessary.

Invite your friend, but warn her that none of the dishes will be vegan, because you're trying to recreate the medieval recipes as accurately as possible.

And if she doesn't come, invite ME instead! It sounds fabulous!

Lots of recipes come up Googling 'medieval vegan recipes'.

Doesn't anyone else want to know the menu?

Aw, no body likes to be left out.....

Would you really rather hurt her feelings than break the theme?

And I think veganism did exist, it was probably just called ' being poor'
🙂

@Mummyshark2018

I would invite her, tell her the theme and suggest she might want to bring an alternative. Otherwise can she not have salad and a soft drink?

As a teetotal (as PPs have said, this is irrelevant!) vegetarian, please don’t “just make a salad”. I’m more than happy to bring something for myself to eat if the host wants me to but would be frustrated to be given a salad whilst everyone else has multiple courses of a range of food types.

Would you be happy to just have a bowl of leaves whilst everyone else gets huge amounts of choice?

Yes, being a vegetarian is completely my choice but I don’t understand why people consider it such a burden on them. When I invite people over, I cook something I know they can eat, taking into account dietary requirements and allergies. I cooked an entirely gluten free meal for someone. I cook meat options too. I’m inviting that person around and don’t see it as a slight against me that they choose not to eat something.

I have a couple of vegan friends and I cook for them quite often. I don’t think it is too difficult to rustle up a lentil dish and a salad, and presumably there will be other foods they can eat?

I do find vegans the most difficult to cook for though. My friends came over on Saturday and I had cooked a dish with smoked tofu, aubergines, peppers and mushrooms with chilli and ginger. One refused point blank to eat it as she said it tasted “meaty.” She’s also refused to eat a veggie shepherd’s pie, which I made with Marmite gravy as she didn’t believe it didn’t contain meat. I’m not inviting her again.

none of the dishes will be vegan, because you're trying to recreate the medieval recipes as accurately as possible.

Actually, she's choosing to make the non-vegan friendly dishes. There are plenty in the form of Cury. It even talks about olive oil being used instead of butter. So there could be authentic medieval dishes that are vegan, if the op wanted to make them. It's not like only vegans can eat vegan food, so she wouldn't be making them especially for her friend. Most people like bread and vegetables.

@Ohfudgeit early 20's although I not sure what age has got to do wiht it.