AIBU to not invite the teetotal vegan?

[CyanSnake]

I know the title sounds horrible; but I’m not sure how else to phrase it? Also sorry for basically giving my life story but I don’t want to dripfeed.

Every so often I host dinner parties and games evenings for my groups of friends. We normally also use these to raise a bit of money for local charities. Call it twee if you want, but I normally have some sort of theme, for example at new year I threw one that was Italian - with homemade pasta etc.

There is a small group of 6-8 whom I invite although most often not, not all attend due to work and other commitments. Most of these friends have no dietary requirements apart from one who is a teetotal vegan. Now, this normally isn’t an issue as soft drink is always an option and I normally make a vegan version of dishes that I need to. Last time I hosted; just before lockdown, I challenged myself and cooked everything vegan. We also made the night alcohol free and made virgin cocktails etc...

Now; to get to the point. I’ve been dabbling in old recipes from the form of cury, which is a medieval cookbook - it’s been sort of my lockdown hobby. And, I’d like to host (appropriately socially distanced and in the garden!) a sort of medieval banquet themed dinner. The problem is veganism didn’t really exist then; and frankly I know it’s harsh but I just can’t be bothered to create vegan versions of each course. This is compounded by the fact that this friend is a bit flaky and sometimes backs out at the last minute citing “headache” or a “cold”. I know I could just invite her and explain that there might not be a lot of food she can eat, but if I do I’ll feel utterly compelled to either faff about trying to make stuff vegan or ill feel guilty all night and it’ll be ruined anyway...

So; would you invite her and try to adapt; or not invite her and cite the guidelines on number of people you can have in the garden?

YABU - Invite the vegan friend
YANBU - Don’t invite the vegan friend.

I feel awful just asking!

(It calls for wine but you could leave that out.)

Charming..Teetotal vegetarian here. Why not invite her and make some curried lentils and a meat dish. I’m teetotal partly because I’m a horrible drunk and I can’t be bothered to have a hangover just to join in with everyone (I get a hangover if I have a sniff of booze).

Vegans aren’t that hard to cater for and it’s becoming more popular, why not practice a dish on your friend.

People ate heaps of veg in the Middle Ages. Why not just make her a vegetable dish, and a baked apple? It doesn't have to be complicated.

You do realise there are a lot of options inbetween the Two you have chosen. Maybe get some food that is ready made. It’s ok to ask her to bring some of her food too.

By the way, I’m fun, I dance sober and enjoy a talking about interesting subjects...

I think it would be awful NOT to invite her as she's a regular at these dinners - but I agree that making two versions of everything would be too much.

I'd make one vegan courses for her, I think, and let her bring her own "other" courses. (How many courses will there be? Are you all having larks' tongues followed by jugged hare, a pike, swan in aspic and then marchpane for pudding? Can I come?)

Medieval Curry? - Swan?

I go with the consensus, invite her and warn her about the theme/meal options. You can provide some vegan options, surely?

Or you could just buy some tinned lentil soup and serve it with bread and say you made it. We won't tell anyone.

Just seems pretty easy to sort out if not inviting her at all could cause trouble.

There was plenty of vegan food in medieval times for the poor, surely? And I don't think the Church allowed dairy and meat every day. So she could still be authentically medieval and vegan, just not eating the deliciousness that your other guests will have!

Another one saying invite her but spell out clearly what is on offer. Either get her to bring her own food or do up a salad.

Also OP, have you seen Tasting History on YouTube? He's started up a show about food from different periods of history, like recreating bread from Pompeii. Absolutely fascinating - great to have on in the background while you're cooking.

As a veggie who doesn’t drink (not sure why the being teetotal is an issue?!) I wouldn’t expect you to change your plans or cook extra for me. I would appreciate given the option to come along though. Just a call to say “this is the plan. I can understand why it might not be ideal for you on this occasion. Completely understandable if you would rather sit this one out but I would love you to come along if you feel you would still enjoy the evening.”

I would be hurt if my friend felt I was an inconvenience, or had a problem with me not enjoying alcoholic drinks, and stopped inviting me.

Why did you all go alcohol-free/ virgin cocktails?? God I'd feel awful if I was the tee total one and everyone else felt like they had to stay sober. Unless she's judgy ?

I’m not a fussy eater and have no dietary requirements. Can I take her place please?

Just make a vegetable curry as an alternative? We re not vegan, but do enjoy this. Fruit for dessert would be nice too.

I live in a very bohemian surfer town in Oz and sometimes I get tired of vegans and how they make me feel bad about meat, so This made me laugh a bit ! However...

I think if it’s a group of close friends And he/she will find out then is mean.

I was close to someone who would get really upset when he was excluded from things with his friends. I suspect they stopped inviting him because he got migraines etc. I think he had some social anxiety and depression too that they didn’t know about. Friendships are so important and hard to find especially at a time like this so I think never good to exclude.

It seems very rigid to have a dinner party with only meat - I mean that’s taking the theme very seriously. You could ask your friend to bring a vegan dish or throw together some Dahl or add some vegan sausages to the sauce base of your dishes.

I wouldnt but it would mainly be down to the flakiness.

Its bad enough when anyone flakes but someone with very specific food requirements should be self aware enough to realise that a hose who doesnt eat the same way will be going to a lot of trouble (and possibly increased expense) to care for them and should make sure they attend if they have accepted the invitation and bail at the last minute.

Or ask if she can bring some vegan dishes and provide soft drink !

Yeah, I’d just explain that the meals you’re doing aren’t vegan friendly Due to the theme and she’s more than welcome to bring her own.

@AntiHop

Invite her and make a separate dish like a potato stew.

Potatoes weren't discovered then were they?

Is Cury the same as Curry? Or Curie?

I'd invite her as I think it would be hurtful not too....

BUT because you said she's flaky and might not turn up, I'm not sure I'd go to any additional effort regarding the food. It would make me so cross to spend hours thinking up vegan 'medieval' dishes and then she doesn't come after all. In your shoes, I'd get a couple of frozen vegan ready meals (posh ones) and just heat them up if it turns out that she comes after all. If she doesn't, you can keep them for next time. I'd also make sure I didn't fry the potatoes in goose fat, or anything like that. I am quite mean, though.

Won’t she be horrified by the roast swan on the table anyway?

That was my thought too. I'd invite her, but explain the theme and offer a salad.

All sounds incredibly pretentious. Just tell her what the theme is, although they certainly didn’t eat all meat back in those days, although the poor wouldn’t be going to banquets so I guess that rules out anything vegan then eh,

As for being teetotal, why should that be an issue? Presumably you actuallly do have soft drinks in your house? Or even water in the taps? I believe they did have that Back in medieval times....

It says an awful lot about our relationship with alcohol in this country when people seemingly have an issue with someone who doesn’t drink....

How often does vegan friend host dinners?

If regularly, then you need to invite them and ask them to bring something to eat. If they rarely host, then just don’t invite them. 🤷🏻‍♀️