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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not invite the teetotal vegan?

529 replies

CyanSnake · 21/07/2020 15:20

I know the title sounds horrible; but I’m not sure how else to phrase it? Also sorry for basically giving my life story but I don’t want to dripfeed.

Every so often I host dinner parties and games evenings for my groups of friends. We normally also use these to raise a bit of money for local charities. Call it twee if you want, but I normally have some sort of theme, for example at new year I threw one that was Italian - with homemade pasta etc.

There is a small group of 6-8 whom I invite although most often not, not all attend due to work and other commitments. Most of these friends have no dietary requirements apart from one who is a teetotal vegan. Now, this normally isn’t an issue as soft drink is always an option and I normally make a vegan version of dishes that I need to. Last time I hosted; just before lockdown, I challenged myself and cooked everything vegan. We also made the night alcohol free and made virgin cocktails etc...

Now; to get to the point. I’ve been dabbling in old recipes from the form of cury, which is a medieval cookbook - it’s been sort of my lockdown hobby. And, I’d like to host (appropriately socially distanced and in the garden!) a sort of medieval banquet themed dinner. The problem is veganism didn’t really exist then; and frankly I know it’s harsh but I just can’t be bothered to create vegan versions of each course. This is compounded by the fact that this friend is a bit flaky and sometimes backs out at the last minute citing “headache” or a “cold”. I know I could just invite her and explain that there might not be a lot of food she can eat, but if I do I’ll feel utterly compelled to either faff about trying to make stuff vegan or ill feel guilty all night and it’ll be ruined anyway...

So; would you invite her and try to adapt; or not invite her and cite the guidelines on number of people you can have in the garden?

YABU - Invite the vegan friend
YANBU - Don’t invite the vegan friend.

I feel awful just asking!

OP posts:
Rubyupbeat · 23/07/2020 06:47

I am the total vegan, and all my friends know, I never expect an equivalent meal to the one they are making, I will always bring my own, or am just as happy with salad or veg, that would be accompanying the meal.
As for not being fun as a teetotaller (was mentioned sonewhere) bullshit! I still believe it's a sad attitude thinking you can only have fun with alcohol.
Please don't exclude her, but explain you won't have time to make the vegan version, if shes half decent, it wont bother her at all.

Rubyupbeat · 23/07/2020 06:48

-'I am the teetotal vegan'

Leanandmean31 · 23/07/2020 07:50

As for not being fun as a teetotaller (was mentioned sonewhere) bullshit! I still believe it's a sad attitude thinking you can only have fun with alcohol.

It really is so sad and what id expect of someone who is about 17 years old. People have lots of reasons for not drinking and one of them is that alcohol might have had a bad effect on them or a loved one. For a load of overgrown toddlers to say that you can’t be fun unless you ingest some sort of mood-altering substance, that’s pathetic. Grow up. I don’t drink. I don’t give a fuck if people think I am not fun because of it. I used to binge drink because I had no confidence and thought the only way I’d gain acceptance would be to make a twat of myself to amuse a load of people that I soon realised weren’t actually true friends at all. It made me feel depressed, suicidal even, afterwards as alcohol is a depressant that makes those with a low mood feel worse. It would also cause me to have two day hangovers where I would vomit and be unable to do anything but lie on the sofa. This wasn’t even from huge amounts (maybe one bottle of wine). Why should I have to put my body through that so that some idiot can say I am fun? If you want to drink, that’s cool. However, please don’t push it on people who don’t want to because it makes you look like a massive loser.

MacduffsMuff · 23/07/2020 08:27

When people harp on about teetotallers being boring I have images in my head of the type of woman who has plaques all over her house with 'It's Prosecco Time!', 'Is it Prosecco O'clock Yet?' and who gives people gin glasses marked 'Gin' on them or wine glasses with glitter on as gifts.

This is if course a massive generalisation, but so is assuming that teetotallers are boring. I do drink (probably more than is good for me), but I have friends who don't and it makes no difference to how much 'fun' they are.

Mere1 · 23/07/2020 08:32

Invite her but explain the theme and difficulty. Give her the freedom to bring her own food but still enjoy the get together?

Nineteenfiddlytree · 23/07/2020 08:43

The OP hasn’t said the teetotal friend is boring but that she feels awkward drinking with someone who she knew didn’t approve.

eviltwin1098 · 23/07/2020 08:56

@milienhaus

I understand your conundrum! I also have difficult friends. I think fine to just have 6 total and say you’re sticking to guidelines.
Why is being vegan being difficult? Most vegans are aware that they have dietary differences like people who are gluten intolerant, coeliac, allergic to different things and normally would offer to bring their own. If someone was doing a theme like this I certainly wouldn't expect them to do a vegan option and i woukd take my own if i wanted to go. If they did want to though then there's plenty of easy vegan options that you can do
Leanandmean31 · 23/07/2020 09:49

The OP hasn’t said the teetotal friend is boring but that she feels awkward drinking with someone who she knew didn’t approve.

Why are drinkers so insecure about this one? I know quite a few teetotallers and literally none disapprove of others drinking. It’s just that we don’t want to drink ourselves. Me deciding what I want to put inside my body is not me making some moral judgement about anyone who doesn’t want to do the same. Jeez, this is like when I wanted to get fit a few years ago and a colleague interpreted that as me making a moral judgement about her and her body. It’s exhausting dealing with other people’s obvious baggage when all you want is to live a healthy life.

PablosHoney · 23/07/2020 09:49

Why doesn’t she approve of drinking or is that an assumption?

EugenesAxe · 23/07/2020 09:51

Yes, anyone assuming teetotal = boring, I know two teetotallers and both have huge personalities, are very funny and brilliant to be in company with.

I hope she does flake on you OP; it does sound a bit awkward. If I had any particular dietary requirement I’m sure it would be my default to ask if the host was catering for me, or if I should bring something of my own to help. I know many people of this kind - coeliacs, vegetarians etc - who are always really anxious to not cause trouble for me if I’m hosting. I think she is being a little unreasonable to not be more accommodating in this way.

TheFuckingDogs · 23/07/2020 09:52

OMG I love this food theme! This sort of stuff is also my hobby. Yeah invite her but tell her the Middle Ages wasn’t vegan so it’s up to her to bring her own dishes that fit in with the theme to an extent

romdowa · 23/07/2020 09:56

I'm tee total and have a host of food allergies and I would actually be so embarrassed to think that anyone would go out of their way to accommodate me.i wouldnt allow anyone to go to that fuss. I would always bring my own food/ drinks to make things as easy as possible for everyone. I'd still have a good time.

Leanandmean31 · 23/07/2020 10:02

It’s obvious that the OP doesn’t like this woman for whatever reason, probably unconnected to what she’s posted here. All the stuff about her demanding to know what the OP is cooking and stuff is probably bullshit invented so that the OP can in good conscience exclude her. If she’s so horrific, why be friends with her in the first place? But excluding someone because they eat or drink a bit differently to you makes you a twat.

pasteldechocolateconchispa · 23/07/2020 10:12

I’m a meat eater, but can’t drink because of medication would I be invited or not? I’ve been teetotal for 2.5 years. Love a bit of pork but I’ll pass on the cider Grin

PablosHoney · 23/07/2020 11:26

Drunk people are often dull as fuck

Localocal · 23/07/2020 11:37

Not sure why her being teetotal is an issue for you - it makes it sound like you think she is boring, or are uncomfortable with her choices because you think she is implicitly criticising those who eat meat or drink alcohol.

I would invite her and send her the menu you plan to cook, highlighting the vegan friendly dishes (vegetables? soup?) and ask her if she is happy to come and just eat those. Most vegans and vegetarians are quite happy to make a plate of the things they ea and not make a big deal out of it.

DagenhamRoundhouse · 23/07/2020 15:00

Are we allowed to do this now? Have gatherings of 6 or more people? Just lost track of it all.

Frozenfrogs86 · 24/07/2020 08:29

My understanding is
6 people outside (can all be from different households) or larger number but only from 2 households.
Inside two households only. Still need to SD.

Sometimeswinning · 24/07/2020 08:47

^Drunk people are often dull as fuck^

Examples of this? Are you sure its not just you are really boring company?

Ginfordinner · 24/07/2020 08:52

@Sometimeswinning

^Drunk people are often dull as fuck^

Examples of this? Are you sure its not just you are really boring company?

But they are if you are the only one not drunk. They are if they are too drunk, even you have imbibed too much yourself.
ButteryPuffin · 24/07/2020 08:58

How can you give examples of times when people have bored you to death by being 'dull as fuck'? It won't have been memorable enough to remember. But I've certainly had it happen. Drunk people do tend to overestimate what sparkling, witty and interesting company they are being.

PablosHoney · 24/07/2020 09:01

@Sometimeswinning 😂😂😂 I’ve been the designated driver before (should I drink drive to be super fun) and the drunker people get the more they repeat and repeat and repeat themselves but yeah if it fits your narrative I’m proper boring 😘

Mittens030869 · 24/07/2020 09:15

Drunk people do tend to overestimate what sparkling, witty and interesting company they are being.

^This with bells on.

Leanandmean31 · 24/07/2020 09:25

Examples of this? Are you sure its not just you are really boring company?

Is that a real question? Do you want me to list stuff that people have done in my presence when drunk? Okay, threaten violence towards others because they were ‘really pissed off’, someone’s boyfriend put his fist through a glass panel on the door because he was angry and then was abusive to ambulance staff, people laughing hysterically at stuff that wasn’t remotely funny, people vomiting, people making unkind/personal comments, I have been sexually assaulted by drunk guys grabbing my arse more times than I care to remember.

But yeah, it’s just me who’s boring company. I should lighten up and learn to enjoy this stuff, right?