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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not invite the teetotal vegan?

529 replies

CyanSnake · 21/07/2020 15:20

I know the title sounds horrible; but I’m not sure how else to phrase it? Also sorry for basically giving my life story but I don’t want to dripfeed.

Every so often I host dinner parties and games evenings for my groups of friends. We normally also use these to raise a bit of money for local charities. Call it twee if you want, but I normally have some sort of theme, for example at new year I threw one that was Italian - with homemade pasta etc.

There is a small group of 6-8 whom I invite although most often not, not all attend due to work and other commitments. Most of these friends have no dietary requirements apart from one who is a teetotal vegan. Now, this normally isn’t an issue as soft drink is always an option and I normally make a vegan version of dishes that I need to. Last time I hosted; just before lockdown, I challenged myself and cooked everything vegan. We also made the night alcohol free and made virgin cocktails etc...

Now; to get to the point. I’ve been dabbling in old recipes from the form of cury, which is a medieval cookbook - it’s been sort of my lockdown hobby. And, I’d like to host (appropriately socially distanced and in the garden!) a sort of medieval banquet themed dinner. The problem is veganism didn’t really exist then; and frankly I know it’s harsh but I just can’t be bothered to create vegan versions of each course. This is compounded by the fact that this friend is a bit flaky and sometimes backs out at the last minute citing “headache” or a “cold”. I know I could just invite her and explain that there might not be a lot of food she can eat, but if I do I’ll feel utterly compelled to either faff about trying to make stuff vegan or ill feel guilty all night and it’ll be ruined anyway...

So; would you invite her and try to adapt; or not invite her and cite the guidelines on number of people you can have in the garden?

YABU - Invite the vegan friend
YANBU - Don’t invite the vegan friend.

I feel awful just asking!

OP posts:
contrmary · 22/07/2020 10:08

If it's a medieval theme, you could try making faux-vegan dishes. I remember seeing a programme on medieval banquets where they created things that looked like fruit but were actually meat-based. This would enable the vegan to participate as they'd think they weren't eating meat.

PurpleDaisies · 22/07/2020 10:09

Is that a serious suggestion @contrmary?

InTheWings · 22/07/2020 10:10

I am comfortable with eating dead animals.

I don’t need reminding that ‘meat’, the term for dead animals in cooking, means that any more than I need ‘fish’ to be described as ‘suffocated marine life’, or indeed an apple to be served to me as ‘plant life from a carbon absorbing tree’.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 22/07/2020 10:11

Havent RTFT just first few pages.
As a token vegan just wanted to add my two pence.
Ive been invited to numerous events over the years where there were no plans to cater to me. That usually didnt have any deciding factor on whether i went or not. I would either eat beforehand, bring my own or often it would end up that there was bits there i could eat. Often combination of all 3.
So yeah its your day, dont stress over it. If your close and want to invite them do so. If not dont feel guilty about not.
Gruel is pretty medieval & vegan isnt it Grin could always offer that haha!!!! Plus a fruit platter! Im sure they will be happy to bring their own regardless!

Leanandmean31 · 22/07/2020 10:11

If it's a medieval theme, you could try making faux-vegan dishes. I remember seeing a programme on medieval banquets where they created things that looked like fruit but were actually meat-based. This would enable the vegan to participate as they'd think they weren't eating meat

Wtf? What the hell is wrong with you?

Soubriquet · 22/07/2020 10:12

@contrmary

If it's a medieval theme, you could try making faux-vegan dishes. I remember seeing a programme on medieval banquets where they created things that looked like fruit but were actually meat-based. This would enable the vegan to participate as they'd think they weren't eating meat.
I’m not vegan and I think this is abhorrent

How dare you suggest this

IntermittentParps · 22/07/2020 10:13

VioletCharlotte, what do you think the OP is 'like'? The friend's first response was to demand 'What will you be cooking that I can eat.' Rude by any standard. The OP might have felt more willing to have a reasonable conversation with her if SHE'D been more pleasant about things.

I do know that there were plenty of vegan dishes in medieval times. It just doesn't sound like that's what the OP has in mind.

honeygirlz · 22/07/2020 10:20

@Iloveyoutothefridgeandback

Meat is dead animals. Why are you trying to hide from that? I eat dead animals. They're delicious and I enjoy it. If you aren't comfortable with the fact that your meal includes bits of dead animal then maybe you shouldn't be eating it?

The general meaning of meat is flesh taken from a dead animal, so adding ‘dead animal’ is superfluous.

comingintomyown · 22/07/2020 10:29

Her first question was what will you be making that I can eat ? That’s rude and would result in a ready made vegan meal and a shortage of invitations in the future from me.

ImaWomAnnotaWomEn · 22/07/2020 10:35

I'd also like to know what not drinking alcohol has to do with it. Plenty of people don't need that to have a good time. But we're all different hey.

MessAllOver · 22/07/2020 10:40

If it's a medieval theme, you could try making faux-vegan dishes. I remember seeing a programme on medieval banquets where they created things that looked like fruit but were actually meat-based. This would enable the vegan to participate as they'd think they weren't eating meat.

I have a tendency to find things inappropriately funny, but this is just abhorrent. Meat eater and alcohol drinker here, but yet I still manage to believe in personal choice and bodily autonomy.

ReggieCat · 22/07/2020 10:49

I'm still at a loss to understand why her being tee-total is an issue. Surely not every drink you serve contains alcohol?

welliesarefuntowear · 22/07/2020 10:52

I did read this as teetotal virgin. No help at all I know. My advice, put a baked potato in the oven. Job done.

Requinblanc · 22/07/2020 10:57

I am not quite sure why this is an issue...

You can invite this person but just warn them in advance that you won't be able to make the entire menu fit their needs.

Instead make it playful and just cook some rice/pasta with vegs and invent a medieval-sounding name for the dish...your guest will know it is not the real thing but they will appreciate being included in the party.

I am pretty sure people ate things like potatoes and vegs in general in medieval times which are pretty simple to make...

I am a vegetarian and teetotal and I never expect anyone to bend over backwards to meet my needs...

JamesArthursEyelashes · 22/07/2020 11:00

If it's a medieval theme, you could try making faux-vegan dishes. I remember seeing a programme on medieval banquets where they created things that looked like fruit but were actually meat-based. This would enable the vegan to participate as they'd think they weren't eating meat.

You’re a twat. HTH.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 22/07/2020 11:10

@contrmary

If it's a medieval theme, you could try making faux-vegan dishes. I remember seeing a programme on medieval banquets where they created things that looked like fruit but were actually meat-based. This would enable the vegan to participate as they'd think they weren't eating meat.
That’s just what every vegan wants! You’re right! The issue is that meat looks too much like meat... Hmm

We’ll ignore the fact that making meat look like fruit (it wouldn’t taste like fruit obviously and I would know straight away that it was meat) would be more effort for the OP who has said she can’t be bothered to make an alternative meal.

Iloveyoutothefridgeandback · 22/07/2020 11:17

The general meaning of meat is flesh taken from a dead animal, so adding ‘dead animal’ is superfluous

I'm not adding dead animal to the word meat, I am explaining that meat is ,indeed, dead animal, regardless of one's personal feelings about it. It was a quote from a previous post. Not really sure what your point is to be honest.

honeygirlz · 22/07/2020 11:19

I am explaining that meat is ,indeed, dead animal

Why do you feel the need to explain this? Bizarre.

Iloveyoutothefridgeandback · 22/07/2020 11:22

Why do you feel the need to explain this? Bizarre

I can't be bothered scrolling back through to the relevant comments in order to copy and paste things for you so that you can get up to speed. Read through it yourself if you want the context.

IntermittentParps · 22/07/2020 11:57

I am pretty sure people ate things like potatoes
Things like potatoes, maybe, but not potatoes until the 16th C.

It was Binky who started the 'meat is dead animals' thing. Which I always think is a very adolescent thing to say.

OlaEliza · 22/07/2020 11:58

On the basis that she's prone to cry off and her rudeness about what you will be cooking that she can eat, I'd invite but tell her to bring her own food as there will only be salad or whatever veg side you are doing, or whatever is vegan. I wouldn't be making anything specific for her.

This would be my stance for any further invitations too.

HowFastIsTooFast · 22/07/2020 12:45

My DP is Vegan and we'd both be fucking horrified and offended if someone didn't invite him to something because of it, but would have absolutely no problem with someone saying 'We'd love you to come but honestly we're a bit unsure of catering for you, would you mind suggesting something easy we can have available for you?' At which point he'd either suggest something super easy/ready-meal thing, or just offer to bring something himself.

He was invited to join my friends and I at a Christmas Party last year at really short notice, and the host threw together a small plate of nibbly bits, cherry tomatoes, olives, artichoke hearts etc that were the only vegan things she had in the house. He was delighted that she even thought to do that when she hadn't planned on catering for a vegan at all. Unless your vegan friend is for some other reason a knob, I can't fathom that you wouldn't invite them over this.

BilbyBlue · 22/07/2020 13:22

Sounds like your friend isn't really someone you like and you've got bigger issues with her no showing quite a bit. Why not address that? Oh and I want to see the menu! It sounds fab.

squeekums · 22/07/2020 14:50

If a person really couldn't go one meal without meat

But its not just meat is it.
Its butter, cheese, honey, cream, milk
These equal flavour. The fakes dont cut it for me
A lasagna aint the same with fake cheese
Mash potato needs lashings of butter and cheese
Corn needs butter
Plant milks are like light dairy milk, ruins the taste of my coffee
Avocado whipped up with coco powder and whatever fad sweetener is about isnt a mousse
Coconut cream tastes good yeah but its NOT a replacement for real cream in many things

I get why a vegan would struggle with meat, the blood and what not. I dont handle dp seafood at all, plus cooking it is also harder.
But why shouldnt vegans who invite non vegans over have real cream, milk, cheese, butter? You know, being the good host, making 2 versions or picking up the extra dish or special milk like they expect of others?

squeekums · 22/07/2020 14:57

fish’ to be described as ‘suffocated marine life

Oh that would get people roaring with laughter in our town, we have many local pro fishermen lol