AIBU to not invite the teetotal vegan?

[CyanSnake]

I know the title sounds horrible; but I’m not sure how else to phrase it? Also sorry for basically giving my life story but I don’t want to dripfeed.

Every so often I host dinner parties and games evenings for my groups of friends. We normally also use these to raise a bit of money for local charities. Call it twee if you want, but I normally have some sort of theme, for example at new year I threw one that was Italian - with homemade pasta etc.

There is a small group of 6-8 whom I invite although most often not, not all attend due to work and other commitments. Most of these friends have no dietary requirements apart from one who is a teetotal vegan. Now, this normally isn’t an issue as soft drink is always an option and I normally make a vegan version of dishes that I need to. Last time I hosted; just before lockdown, I challenged myself and cooked everything vegan. We also made the night alcohol free and made virgin cocktails etc...

Now; to get to the point. I’ve been dabbling in old recipes from the form of cury, which is a medieval cookbook - it’s been sort of my lockdown hobby. And, I’d like to host (appropriately socially distanced and in the garden!) a sort of medieval banquet themed dinner. The problem is veganism didn’t really exist then; and frankly I know it’s harsh but I just can’t be bothered to create vegan versions of each course. This is compounded by the fact that this friend is a bit flaky and sometimes backs out at the last minute citing “headache” or a “cold”. I know I could just invite her and explain that there might not be a lot of food she can eat, but if I do I’ll feel utterly compelled to either faff about trying to make stuff vegan or ill feel guilty all night and it’ll be ruined anyway...

So; would you invite her and try to adapt; or not invite her and cite the guidelines on number of people you can have in the garden?

YABU - Invite the vegan friend
YANBU - Don’t invite the vegan friend.

I feel awful just asking!

Well I am vegetarian and if you explained your theme I would probably bring my own food as for the drinks just get her some Shloer so she doesn't feel left out. Or you could just make her a vegan salad or buy a ready meal that's vegan or a vegan pizza.

Do your banquet, invite her but make it clear there is a theme and you will only be offering one vegan option as your medieval banquet is so time consuming.

Personally I wouldn't invite her at all.

I was going to say you could make her a nut roast (as part of the theme) but even that is an arse ache to be honest.

I've tried making veggie food and you have to go all out just to make it half palatable, vegan is even worse. I'm sure some people would be "gutted to be left out" but the rest of us are just as gutted when faced with your excessively hard work life style choices and as you're in the minority you can't actually be expected to be invited all the time unless you're prepared to provide your own food some of the time.

C'est la vie.

As a vegan I am well aware that some people avoid inviting me to foodie events, because of the extra effort. I’d never expect someone to cater for me, some lovely friends do & I’m always grateful. Please invite this woman, just explain the predicament - That you can’t cook twice (which is fair enough) & ask if she could bring a vegan option. She probably will appreciate your honesty.

You're all grown ups: let her know what your plan is, and let her decide if she wants to join or not (she could even bring her own food)
Or don't tell her, and deal with the aftermath when she finds out there was a party and she wasn't even told because you just assumed you knew better than her what she wants.

Get the booze out and the ham. Sure she can bring a dish and some fizzy pop.

Having read the whole thread I think I would contact friend again and ask her to bring something for herself.

She sounds unpleasant and entitled (and not because she's vegan or teetotal before you pile in.)

I love your theme, wish you luck and look forward to seeing the full menu in due course.

I strongly suspect, if the roles were reversed, I would not be offered a steak or indeed a G&T

Presumably they would give you food that you can eat though? You don’t only eat steak?

I'm not convinced vegan dishes weren't a thing then. After all, if you're poor (which most people were) you are more likely to eat roots and vegetables.

Pottage, anyone?

It's tough coz not inviting her at all is a bet mean and not friendly so I will make one homemade vegan thing and few ready made meals n snacks and that's it it won't be too much effort on your part , if she complains just say I am not familier with vegan food I don't know how recepies turn out and I don't have time .

I was also thinking that FredtheCatsMum. I don't suppose poor medieval people ate meat at every meal. But then its a banquet so presumably would be a special occasion and therefore likely to be meat heavy and have wealthier guests? So whilst there must be authentic vegan medieval recipes, maybe not vegan banquet food?

Invite and just let her know to bring her own dish this time.

As a lifelong veggie / dabbling vegan I wouldn’t expect you to do versions of the meals.. either do something I can eat, I wouldn’t care about the theme.. or ask me to bring something myself. I would not be offended by that, but I may be slightly offended that I was not invited because you thought I was too much trouble to cater from, when it is you putting yourself to unnecessary trouble!

@CyanSnake I am curious: did she thank you for making an entirely vegan and alcohol free cocktail meal?

It does feel like there is some orgee issue in the background.

My guess is this woman is very thick skinned, if not actively entitled, and possibly doesnt feel at all like adding the extra food is any sort of effort. She never hosts which is maybe understandable but is she the only one? Do the others? If they do she really needs to offer to bring something.

My guess is she may feel offended to be asked to bring her own food and wouldn't be thrilled with a down market alternative. So - no idea what I'd do tbh. Probably suck it up and do a few extra options....

"Orgee" issue?

Medieval English for "other."

I'm buying that book btw.

Give her porridge

I have recently stopped eating meat, not vegan (or even vegetarian just fussy) or the total. If we get invited for a meal it's always buffet style or bbq so I just tell them i will bring a veggie dish and not to worry. I think the problem is her attitude not her eating habits.

I have coeliac disease so I can’t eat gluten. I ask (in a non-confrontational way) what food will be there. I let them know what I can’t eat and offer to bring my own stuff. I don’t expect the host to change their plans just for me. Added bonus if they surprise me with something!

As others have said, invite her but let her know that the menu is inspired by Medieval banquettes. She’s free to come along, but she might want to bring something along as vegan dishes weren’t popular in the Medieval era.

*banquet. Peasants lived on a vegetarian diet due to not being able to afford meat, but banquets were for rich people.

I was with you until you mentioned that your friend was teetotal. What is the significance of that? It’s hardly difficult to provide non alcoholic drinks and jugs of water, or tea and coffee. A lot of people who aren’t teetotal don’t drink much alcohol.

And why not ask her if she can bring her own vegan option?

YANBU... but invite her, but she needs to bring her own food! Then it is up to her whether to come or not!

You can't not invite someone because of their preference of diet, it's not that hard to make a vegan meal or ask her to bring her own 😕 I've been vegetarian all of my life and I always ask what food is being made so I know in advance if I need to bring anything along with me

I understand that it is a pita, but you can't ask someone to bring their own food. Well, I couldn't anyway. Just make something super simple. What about a vegan pottage? Just loads of chunky veg and some pearl barley? You can do that in advance? Vegan pate is available in the super markets.

Keep coming back to check all the vegans are still suggesting making pottage - check!

And FWIW you can choose not to invite someone because of their dietary preferences. Especially if they are flaky. Especially if they bring the party down (suggested by the T total and subsequent omission in case you offend the multiple T total vegans). It is OK to do what you want to for an easy life, you don't need to be constantly worried you are upsetting someone. It doesn't sound as though she would worry in the same way about you!

I think if she is a friend it should be her choice. Don’t feel obliged to cater for her but allow her to bring her own. Just be honest and say it would be too much for you to manage (essentially) two banquets.

The problem with this thread is that it was a big drip feed and the original premise is largely irrelevant.

YWBVU not to invite a friend to a party just because they're vegan/teetotal and you'd feel [unnecessarily] guilty about not cooking something special for them.

YW obviously NBU not to invite a flaky, rude person who you don't really like very much anyway. Regardless of their dietary choices.