AIBU to not invite the teetotal vegan?

[CyanSnake]

I know the title sounds horrible; but I’m not sure how else to phrase it? Also sorry for basically giving my life story but I don’t want to dripfeed.

Every so often I host dinner parties and games evenings for my groups of friends. We normally also use these to raise a bit of money for local charities. Call it twee if you want, but I normally have some sort of theme, for example at new year I threw one that was Italian - with homemade pasta etc.

There is a small group of 6-8 whom I invite although most often not, not all attend due to work and other commitments. Most of these friends have no dietary requirements apart from one who is a teetotal vegan. Now, this normally isn’t an issue as soft drink is always an option and I normally make a vegan version of dishes that I need to. Last time I hosted; just before lockdown, I challenged myself and cooked everything vegan. We also made the night alcohol free and made virgin cocktails etc...

Now; to get to the point. I’ve been dabbling in old recipes from the form of cury, which is a medieval cookbook - it’s been sort of my lockdown hobby. And, I’d like to host (appropriately socially distanced and in the garden!) a sort of medieval banquet themed dinner. The problem is veganism didn’t really exist then; and frankly I know it’s harsh but I just can’t be bothered to create vegan versions of each course. This is compounded by the fact that this friend is a bit flaky and sometimes backs out at the last minute citing “headache” or a “cold”. I know I could just invite her and explain that there might not be a lot of food she can eat, but if I do I’ll feel utterly compelled to either faff about trying to make stuff vegan or ill feel guilty all night and it’ll be ruined anyway...

So; would you invite her and try to adapt; or not invite her and cite the guidelines on number of people you can have in the garden?

YABU - Invite the vegan friend
YANBU - Don’t invite the vegan friend.

I feel awful just asking!

@contrmary

If it's a medieval theme, you could try making faux-vegan dishes. I remember seeing a programme on medieval banquets where they created things that looked like fruit but were actually meat-based. This would enable the vegan to participate as they'd think they weren't eating meat.

This is obviously a joke - like the opposite to everything being made of cake.

And anyway, it would be much easier to stew some lentils than it would be to make a mincemeat pear so convincing that everyone was fooled into thinking it grew on a tree.

You know, being the good host, making 2 versions or picking up the extra dish or special milk like they expect of others?

I don’t expect anyone to cater for my tastes. I tell them what I don’t eat and offer to bring anything they’d like me to. Every other vegan/vegetarian I know is the same.

A meat eater might not make mash to your personal tastes. I wouldn’t have put cheese in it and loads of people make it with flora or whatever they’ve got in their fridge tarted than real butter. How many different versions should hosts make to cover all eventualities?

I get why a vegan would struggle with meat, the blood and what not.

That’s not why most vegans wouldn’t buy meat. It’s the objection to the meat industry and the way animals are treated. That is exactly the same for the dairy/egg industry. It isn’t just a case of being squeamish.

How many different versions should hosts make to cover all eventualities

Well it seems non vegans are supposed to have a few, so if im expected to, id expect same in return. How many have said just do this or this when OP has said she didnt want to make different extra stuff?

That’s not why most vegans wouldn’t buy meat. It’s the objection to the meat industry and the way animals are treated. That is exactly the same for the dairy/egg industry. It isn’t just a case of being squeamish.
So basically, we have to pander to a vegans moral choices as not all do offer to bring their own food and be the good host but we not offered the same consideration for our valid food choices. how is that fair?
I mean its not hard to buy a small real milk for coffee or real cheese to be sprinkled on food, real whipped cream on cake.

I think there is a simple way around this.

Communication is everything, this person would only be offended if you just blatantly cut them out of plans for their life choices. That's like sticking a big middle finger up at their beliefs. Don't do that. Don't be that person.

Explain your theme and explain that it's a lot of work to create additional versions of each course. Make sure she knows that she is welcome to join but on this occasion, if she would like to join, would she mind please bringing her own dishes. That way, if she flakes you haven't wasted your efforts either.

It's okay to feel lazy and not want to cater to extra dietary requirements. But just communicate that, we are all human. Plus, as a vegan, she will know exactly how it feels to not want to cook things she wouldn't normally eat herself, for guests. It's a pain. She may even prefer to bring her own food anyway. Just ask her.

I would never cater for a vegan. I’d say they could come, but bring their own.

Oh my god 🤣🤣 hostess with the mostess

www.brandnewvegan.com/recipes/medieval-pottage-stew This with some crusty bread. Can serve as a starter for your non vegan guests too. Or these www.abelandcole.co.uk/recipes/medieval-mushroom-pasties. You’re not BIU especially if there’s a chance they don’t even come but I’d be minded to do these anyway as they sound yum and if she comes there’s something for her.

@honestyisalwaysthebestpolicy you sound nice 🙄

@squeekums you obviously don't understand veganism at all 🙈

Can you just do a vegan soup, something simple? I mean they ate veggie soup so it's still medieval.

Warn her that most of the food wouldn't be suitable for her due to the theme, but suggest you could get in a vegan ready meal for her, and put out a bowl of fresh fruit? How hard is that? Don't just leave the poor woman out.

I’d lob my falafel at Honesty’s head.

Or whatever the medieval equivalent of that is.

@Wilkie1956mog why do you assume she's some 'poor woman' who is treated poorly? OP has already explained that she's rude and judgemental and often just doesn't turn up, after she's gone through the effort of making vegan food for her. OP also hosted a vegan, teetotal dinner party to suit her tastes. She also never reciprocates. I don't think 'poor her' I think poor OP. Also, OP stated that she has studied this type of cookery and it is a hobby of hers and she wants to cook this particular type of food so doing a quick Google and providing links to recipes that she doesn't want to cook isn't really helpful, in fact it's a little insulting.

Surely medieval banquets had quite a lot of vegetables?

Invite her, but tell her she needs to bring her own food as you can't cater for her. End of. I have a restricted diet so just take my own. I have found that it much easier as someone might have made a real effort but it's still got something you can't eat. They shouldn't be offended. In fact they are being thoughtless expecting the host to do something different for them.

I’m vegan and often my friend cook non vegan stuff and I take my own and share sides. I’d be pissed off to being left out because the main meal wasn’t vegan tbh, we are used to catering for ourselves in such situations.
That said, I can’t imagine any of them serving a medieval banquet for tea

I would tell her what's going on first so she doesn't hear second hand your having a do and start any possible rows or bad feelings or whatever before you even get the cook books out! Might cause bad feeling.

Just suggest she can bring her own food and drinks and see what happens. If she has form for backing out of things in the past , then she might not show up anyway!

Cyan, I hope it goes off well for you but I know I'd be thinking ' I hope you don't bother' if she is being a bit awkward about bringing her own food and drinks etc!

I think that if someone is a friend and I enjoy their company then I’d wouldn’t mind making them a meal. Or I’d just ask them to bring something and they would understand because my friends are really nice.

That is what I would do as well.

The hatred for vegetarians/vegans on mumsnet by some posters just shows how petty, small minded, uneducated and selfish some people can be

Said by an omnivore who eats most foods

As an aside, I love cooking, and I love a challenge. As DD is vegetarian and always does Veganuary I would be happy to cater for a vegan anyway. But I like my friends, and want to make them feel welcome in my home.

Just invite her and ask if she’s okay with a nice vegan oven pizza (waitrose and m&s do good ones, as do other supermarkets) or something else easy. Even asking if she minds bringing something for herself would be nicer than leaving her out - vegans are generally used to this and quite chilled out about it. I’m vegan and can’t drink alcohol and i’d be gutted to be left out of something purely on that basis when i’d happily bring my own thing if needs be

If a teetotal vegan comes to my house I would go to the trouble of getting the appropriate food and alcohol

I strongly suspect, if the roles were reversed, I would not be offered a steak or indeed a G&T

Of course there were non-meat eaters in medieval times! It existed in ancient Greece. Cooking a one-off vegan is hardly a "challenge"? Just google 'easy vegan meal' or buy one of the trillion ready meals in the supermarkets'. Half the planet eats a mostly veg diet most days.
I'd be hurt if a friend valued me less than the effort it took to rustle up a plate of veg. (& I'm not a vegan)

I would still invite your friend. The teetotal part is fine. If it’s a medieval theme can you not buy a ready made vegan nut roast and a few veggies?

I strongly suspect, if the roles were reversed, I would not be offered a steak or indeed a G&T

So?