Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not use toddler reins?

159 replies

FourPlasticRings · 20/07/2020 20:32

I went out for a walk with my DM and DD (just turned 2) at the weekend. The walk was mainly footpaths and country park paths, but started off with walking through our housing estate on pavements alongside roads (30mph). DM was very concerned that I didn't have DD on toddler reins in case she bolted in front of a car. DD and I always walk with DD on the inside of the pavement away from the road and I keep pace with her so I'm always alongside her, standing between her and the road. I watch her constantly. We hold hands to cross roads and if the pavement is particularly narrow. She's generally well behaved and there were no incidents on the outing, but DM is still nagging me about putting DD in reins. I'm not convinced they're necessary.

AIBU to let her walk alongside me without reins when we're alongside roads?

OP posts:
Staplemaple · 21/07/2020 10:04

It's up to you, I used reins when we were out on walks by the river etc, or by busy roads. I had loose ones though that were comfortable and so it wasn't like he constantly felt me pulling on them, or really noticed they were there. But it gave me peace of mind, did also get him to learn safety stuff as much as possible and not rely on them, but there were a few times when he tried to do a runner that they came in very useful.

Staplemaple · 21/07/2020 10:05

Also, selfishly I guess, as I'm tall I could only bend over enough for him to reach my hand on shortish walks. This improved as he grew taller thankfully.

puzzledpiece · 21/07/2020 10:10

DS would run off into roads and needed them. DD didn't, so didn't need them. Yanbu to understand your child.

puzzledpiece · 21/07/2020 10:11

DS once started climbing the fence at a race meeting. Just as the horses were thundering up to the finish line where we were. I thought he was safe in the enclosure!

okiedokieme · 21/07/2020 10:12

At two it would be sensible to either hold hands or use reins all the time by roads (not just to cross) they are unpredictable! But kids develop differently so by 3 some are more trustworthy than others

Todaywewilldobetter · 21/07/2020 10:15

@TheSmallAssassin

I didn't use reins with either of mine. If they didn't hold hands/the buggy when they were asked to then it was back in the buggy. My daughter was awful for lying on the pavement screaming but some things were non negotiable.

I think my problem with reins is that you're not teaching your child to stay by you, they are just restrained to. I know the dog analogy is horrible, but if would be like always having your dog on a lead but never teaching it to walk to heel.

My mum used reins and, at 42, I still bolt into roads because of it. I never learned not to...

Don't talk twaddle!

okiedokieme · 21/07/2020 10:16

Top tip for when you have 2, put reins on and loop around your wrist but ask them to hold the buggy, this also works when they want to push their dolls pram whilst you push new baby.

KarmaStar · 21/07/2020 11:40

There was a thread recently on the use of reins and I think the majority were in favour of using them.
In the circumstances you relate,yes I think it would be a safe thing to do.
No child is the same as another,no child is 100% predictable,your dc may suddenly see a cat or something she liked and make a bolt for it catching you unawares..She may not.
The decision is yours.as is the responsibility the keep her safe.

Thelnebriati · 21/07/2020 12:17

There is no such thing as a child who is not a bolter. Some children do it more than others and there was a first time for all of them.

Staplemaple · 21/07/2020 12:20

I think my problem with reins is that you're not teaching your child to stay by you, they are just restrained to.

You can do both though. I used reins, but didn't pull them unless absolutely needed, usually just held them with the line slack, and they attached to the back so he wasn't overly aware of them. Made sure to act as though they weren't on in terms of promoting safety and teaching it etc, also held hands when possible, they were just a back up. I don't think many use them in lieu of teaching how to be safe, but in addition to.

TheSmallAssassin · 21/07/2020 12:23

There is no such thing as a child who is not a bolter. Some children do it more than others and there was a first time for all of them.

Well, unless mine are going to start bolting at 16+, I guess there must be an exception to the rule.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/07/2020 14:55

I'm always amazed by the parents who 'teach' something and their children 'learn' it the first time. It's almost like children are different and learn things are different speeds. I'm not playing trial and error with my child's life.

DD learned to walk at 11 months, we threw the pram away at 18 months. She wasn't 100% reliable at that age so... reins.

Mine is a perfect eater BTW. Always tries things, never fussy, doesn't really like very sweet food, never leaves vegetables. It must be my astounding parenting. Or, here's a thought, some children bolt and some are fussier eaters and maybe, just maybe, being smug about things that come naturally to some children is a bit ridiculous.

TheSmallAssassin · 21/07/2020 15:10

I don't think anyone has said that their children learn first time, some people have different ways of teaching though. Mine didn't involve using reins, it is possible, and OK!

Northernsoullover · 21/07/2020 15:14

I asked my mum today how old I was when I nearly got runover. I was 3. I had been walking nicely until then apparently. But if you know your child is never going to bolt then just carry on.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/07/2020 15:24

@TheSmallAssassin

I don't think anyone has said that their children learn first time, some people have different ways of teaching though. Mine didn't involve using reins, it is possible, and OK!
Which is fine. You implied people who use them are parenting less well than you.
howaboutchocolate · 21/07/2020 16:01

I think my problem with reins is that you're not teaching your child to stay by you, they are just restrained to.

Yes, that's right. I didn't have reins but I did hold my mum's hand. I still have to hold her hand when we go out now if we're near a busy road, because I never learned not to. And in the same vein, I still have stabilisers on my bike, I sleep in a cot, and I sit in a high chair. Hmm

KittyFantastico · 21/07/2020 16:05

Yanbu to understand your child.

Unless someone is a mind reader they have no way of knowing that their child will never bolt.

Birdsong20 · 21/07/2020 16:21

My child, not a belter, dashed into the road at 4! I was totally shocked and luckily it wasn't a busy road. The reason she gave was that there were people on the pavement and as a car was parked on the road next to them, rather than say 'excuse me ' she thought the sensible option was to go into the road around the car. This is after doing lots of road awareness and bring s very sensible child. The point is, you just never know!

Birdsong20 · 21/07/2020 16:22

PS she was walking next to me at the time not walking on her own.

Ginfordinner · 21/07/2020 17:30

God, I hate threads with smug parents on. It is competitive parenting all over again.

Please can the smug parents on here try to understand that in spite of their superior parenting skills, not all small children are as biddable as their children.

I have a friend who thought she was an expert on childcare when her daughter was born. And then the (terrible) twins came along, and she got a shock that they weren't as well behaved and biddable as her daughter.

lanthanum · 21/07/2020 17:36

If DM takes DD for a walk, will you be okay with her using reins? I'm wondering if she's worrying that she would not feel safe in charge of a toddler without reins. It's not an unreasonable fear, given the number of times I've said to small children in our village "are you going to wait here for granny?" Usually, granny looks very relieved that I've stopped their grandchild, because they've been completely unable to catch up with them.

whatshebininagain · 21/07/2020 17:52

I posted on another thread about seeing a child run into a normally very busy road. It was sheer luck there was no traffic at the time. Someone had been run over and killed just yards away a few weeks before.

I wouldn't take the risk.

Lougle · 21/07/2020 17:52

DD1 was a bolter (SN). The preschool teachers thought they knew how to deal with her. "We give a cheery wave and say goodbye...they all come back!!" No. DD1 waved back as she bolted.

With reins, she just belly flopped forwards so she was hanging in the air. With a wrist strap, she'd drop to the floor and refuse to move. In the end, we bought a crelling harness, which is like a set of heavy duty reins with a chest piece. No way we could have her without, 'holding hands'.

Children do unpredictable things. You can't 'parent' unpredictability - you can only instill routines and patterns of behaviour that you hope they remember.

Minai · 21/07/2020 18:16

Reins are also very useful when you have a baby and a toddler. I have 18 months between mine. I almost always had reins as back up and made my eldest hold my hand crossing the road. He always had no problem holding my hand crossing the road until one day I happened to have left the reins at home, we started crossing a busy high street. I was just about to cross and he let go of my hand and ran across the road. I had to shove my pram back on the pavement and run after ds1. I feel sick thinking about that moment.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/07/2020 18:35

DD1 was a bolter (SN). The preschool teachers thought they knew how to deal with her. "We give a cheery wave and say goodbye...they all come back!!" No. DD1 waved back as she bolted.

I was told this. I tested toddler DD once. Let her go in a big park. She walked about 2km. Didn't look back once. I was hiding behind trees. I stopped her before the road.

At 9 she's a great traveller, rock climber, fearless and tough. Some people have slow-approach leg-clingers. Not me. Takes all sorts.