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AIBU?

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Original poster

Asked to step down from my job...by my Dh

372 replies

Dorothea989 · 20/07/2020 20:21

For the last 6 months I have been covering my managers maternity cover at work. Step up for me, was basically asked as there was no one else to cover it and I have really enjoyed it. However it has obviously meant extra responsibilities, my role was never back filled and one of the team left as well which given the current climate has also not been recruited for so its been busy. It was also a significant pay rise for the duration of the cover.

The person I am covering has just announced they are not returning from maternity so I have been offered the role permanently which I am really happy about.

However my Dh is not. He wants me to step down and return to my previous role.

His reasons are that since taking on this role I have had to work longer hours, he never sees me, and I now never get time to help him with anything (ie housework)

Yes there have been occasions where I have had to log on in the evening to finish some bits off, but we are usually sat watching TV at this point anyway and he is on his phone. Dd(5) has gone to bed.

Before lockdown I was in the office, would generally do school drop off at 730, work from 830 - 5 and be home by 6 for dinner. I have been wfh since lockdown started, and am now logged on for 8ish, logged off by 445 and already home but this is also apparently too much.

Dh works shifts, days and nights, but his shifts are normally not much more than 7 hours long. His job is also reactive, so he can have some shifts where he doesn't even leave his base and can sleep/relax/play games on his phone all his shift. He also gets rostered a week off every 6 weeks.

I really want the role as I feel it would damage my career if I turn it down, plus the fact I really enjoy thr challenge of the role, and know I will resent DH if I do. But at the same time he has made it clear he will be really unhappy if I accept it.

OP posts:
redastherose · 20/07/2020 22:24

Take the job. Imagine how you will feel if some else is appointed over you and you have to accept it! Also, you should ask yourself the question would you ever ask your husband to not take a job which could have a massive impact on his career? I bet the answer is a resounding no! Please don't give in, your career is every bit as important as his and if you ever split up you will be thankful you didn't sideline your career.

maddening · 20/07/2020 22:25

Take the job and hire a cleaner and outsource the ironing, if dh is unhappy, get a new dh that has a job with more reliable hours.

tildaMa · 20/07/2020 22:26

Congratulations! Wine Cake

Take the job and enjoy your well deserved promotion.

@Foxinsocks1 @OoohTheStatsDontLie
So far it's HIM not pulling his weight.
The promotion doesn't involve travelling, her hours are actually shorter - so how are your stories even relevant?

Anniegetyourgun · 20/07/2020 22:36

I'd like to go against the grain here.

But actually I can't. You are so not being unreasonable. Your DH is saying he wants to see more of you because it sounds more persuasive than "I don't want to have to wash my own socks".

Has anyone mentioned cancelling the cheque getting a cleaner yet? Grin

Somethingkindaoooo · 20/07/2020 22:37

@tildaMa

Congratulations! Wine Cake

Take the job and enjoy your well deserved promotion.

@Foxinsocks1 @OoohTheStatsDontLie
So far it's HIM not pulling his weight.
The promotion doesn't involve travelling, her hours are actually shorter - so how are your stories even relevant?

Yes, that.

OP has perfectly reasonable hours.
If her husband has shifts, I wonder if he's gone during busy home hours?

A nd I wonder if OP earns more than him now?

fluffygreenmonsterhoody · 20/07/2020 22:39

Congratulations on your promotion OP.

That’s also what your DH should be saying.

noimkaren · 20/07/2020 22:42

Whether or not you have DC, take the promotion. You'll always regret the 'what if', if you don't. You wouldn't stand in his way if he roles were reversed, would you? It's telling that you've highlighted the fact that he says you have less time for him as meaning ' less time for housework'. He's wrong, you're right.Tell him you don't need his permission, but you'd appreciate his support.
Years ago I walked away from a long term relationship after my then DP made it clear that his ego couldn't cope with me getting qualifications on a par with his. I worked for a big company and was fast tracked for promotion. Without being crude about it , he saw his a* and spent the next year trying to undermine & belittle me at every opportunity. I left on the edge of a breakdown. Best decision ever.

RealBecca · 20/07/2020 22:43

Would I be right to think you're now esrmong more than him and his fucking ego has kicked in? Because on paper all of those problems are fixable; you work less hours and pay for a cleaner for your share. Unless he wants to chip in and share a cleaner?

emmylousings · 20/07/2020 22:45

He is trying to hold you back because he is worried that you might start to feel even better about yourself / earn more than him, and he might be worried that as your career develops, you might meet men who you fancy / fancy you. I imagine.

HollowTalk · 20/07/2020 22:46

One of you is going to feel resentment - don't let it be you.

jessstan2 · 20/07/2020 22:47

Take the job and get someone to clean once a week, take clothes to ironing shop.

Your career is important and your husband is being petty.

JudgeRindersMinder · 20/07/2020 22:49

You can’t possibly take this job-your dh’s penis will fall off!!!

Foxinsocks1 · 20/07/2020 22:52

My point was about when normal life returns. Currently OP working hours are shorter because of wfh, what about when the office reopens and getting home at 6 (still not late I know) but then is sometimes logging back on as soon as the DC
are in bed. I was just trying to put another POV across rather than take the job and divorce the DH if need be. Marriage is a partnership and yes one member shouldn’t hold the other back without good reason (or if that person doesn’t agree) but their POV should be carefully considered as to the impact on their life.

MumW · 20/07/2020 22:54

I vote that you take the job too.

maryloutoo · 20/07/2020 22:56

@Vodkacranberryplease

This forum is full of women in real trouble because they are splitting from partners and have no career or money, their partners see the money they earn as theirs, not as joint money.

You just can't fucking win. They want you home doing wifework but if it goes tits up they want you to have no money.

Exactly this 👆🏻
Nogoodusername · 20/07/2020 22:57

Those are really average hours - 8ish to 5 is not long hours by any means
Get a cleaner once a week with the pay rise!

MooneyBadger · 20/07/2020 23:14

Is he one of those men who sees themselves as the centre of the household? Things are only allowed to happen if everyone can fit them in around him and his requirements?

Take the job. He may well be unhappy but you will resent him a thousand times more if you turn down this opportunity in order to do more housework and watch him play on his phone.

tinylittlepiggy · 20/07/2020 23:16

take it ...

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/07/2020 23:17

"Yes there have been occasions where I have had to log on in the evening to finish some bits off, but we are usually sat watching TV at this point anyway and he is on his phone. " (my bolding)

It might seem a bit nit-picky for me to focus on this one point, but - he really can't complain about you doing a bit of work in the evenings and therefore not 'mentally available' for family life, when he is making himself similarly not 'mentally available' for family life because he prefers to stare at his phone!

Take the job.

As for his having "made it clear he will be really unhappy if I accept it" - he's not got a leg to stand on, has he? His fragile ego will just have to toughen up a bit and be proud of his wife's increased earning power, not threatened by it.

canigooutyet · 20/07/2020 23:22

Ask him to be specific about why he thinks your job will be too much for you unlike your line manager or whoever is being very encouraging about the promotion.

Yes I know, it's about the house stuff. Oh well he will get used to doing more about the house instead of cooking.

If he isn't happy then he can also arrange a cleaner out of his weekly "spends"

Who made him king to get away with doing less than the other adult in the house? Even IF you decide to listen to this fool and not take the promo, his royal highness needs to get acquainted with doing more.

Cornishclio · 20/07/2020 23:25

If it was the other way round and your DH was offered a job with more pay and a step up would you ask him to turn it down? I would say if you enjoy the job and want to progress your career then take it. If neither of you have time to clean then can you hire a cleaner?

Daisy12Maisie · 20/07/2020 23:25

Take the role as you might never get the chance again!!
With the extra money get a cleaner. Not to appease your husband just to make life easier.

JoleneExotic · 20/07/2020 23:28

Take the job. Absolutely take the job. If you ever LTB you'll be glad!

SundayGirl86 · 20/07/2020 23:31

It’s a no brainer - take the job!

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 20/07/2020 23:31

@katy1213

PS And if you do get a cleaner, remind him that he pays half!
How does that work?

He does all of the cooking so if he's got to pay half the cost for someone to do ops chores does she have to do half of the cooking then?

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