Asked to step down from my job...by my Dh

[Dorothea989]

For the last 6 months I have been covering my managers maternity cover at work. Step up for me, was basically asked as there was no one else to cover it and I have really enjoyed it. However it has obviously meant extra responsibilities, my role was never back filled and one of the team left as well which given the current climate has also not been recruited for so its been busy. It was also a significant pay rise for the duration of the cover.

The person I am covering has just announced they are not returning from maternity so I have been offered the role permanently which I am really happy about.

However my Dh is not. He wants me to step down and return to my previous role.

His reasons are that since taking on this role I have had to work longer hours, he never sees me, and I now never get time to help him with anything (ie housework)

Yes there have been occasions where I have had to log on in the evening to finish some bits off, but we are usually sat watching TV at this point anyway and he is on his phone. Dd(5) has gone to bed.

Before lockdown I was in the office, would generally do school drop off at 730, work from 830 - 5 and be home by 6 for dinner. I have been wfh since lockdown started, and am now logged on for 8ish, logged off by 445 and already home but this is also apparently too much.

Dh works shifts, days and nights, but his shifts are normally not much more than 7 hours long. His job is also reactive, so he can have some shifts where he doesn't even leave his base and can sleep/relax/play games on his phone all his shift. He also gets rostered a week off every 6 weeks.

I really want the role as I feel it would damage my career if I turn it down, plus the fact I really enjoy thr challenge of the role, and know I will resent DH if I do. But at the same time he has made it clear he will be really unhappy if I accept it.

The other thing that might be worth doing is talking to your line manager about the fact that your husband is wary about you doing it on a permanent basis
Is this a joke?
Seriously?🙄

I’m the 1% YABU.
My reasons being DH has been offered jobs previously involving longer hours, more travelling and I haven’t wanted him to take them despite the extra money. The reason being I want a marriage where we are together spending quality time together most evenings. It is really important to me (and us) that we sit down and eat as a family 99% of the time. I want us both to be available at bedtime. These are the things I find important in life and I wouldn’t sacrifice them for more money.

Thankfully for me DH is on the same page and always has been so between us it’s been a balancing act and sacrifice and we’re both happy.

I’m not sure I’d still be in the marriage otherwise.

As long as they fill the other positions so you aren’t doing the work of 3, I would keep the job.

You can always outsource housework. Part of the better salaries that come with busy careers is because you can’t do everything yourself.

Take the job. The resentment will kill your relationship anyway.

Take thr job, absolutely take the job!

Take the job.

Hire a cleaner who'll change your beds too.

Hire an ironing person.

Spend your free time with your husband and decide if you still like him.

If not the new salary will help set you up on your own with DS

Do what makes you happy 😊

You 100% have to take that job.
Your “D” H has no right to object to normal career progression.
Use the extra money to make life easier, whether it’s a cleaner, or easier shoooing or whatever helps the household. Point him to the benefits of the extra income every time he complains.

Shopping, not shooing...

TAKE IT!!!

You want the job, take the job.

He's being an unreasonable arse wanting to restrict YOUR career. Instead of being pleased for you/proud of you, he wants you doing a 'smaller' job & facilitating his life.

His attitude is precisely why you need to take the job!

Either you don't take it & you resent him or you take it and he's a grumpy twat. - let him crack on. Put yourself first. You're going to need to!

Take the job, you never know what the future holds. DH needs to pull his weight and do his share around the house.

If you both want to pay for help in the house then fine but its a shared cost and should be a shared benefit - don't get a cleaner just to do the tasks he will do, it should benefit both of you.

Take the job! Do it for you! There are not that many examples in life where you can say you really enjoy your job...

I would consider getting some of the household tasks done by a cleaner/ gardener/ something that frees up time as he has raised that. It might be an idea to make a point of having tech free nights every week as well. It sounds as though he is describing a distance between you. It's absolutely fine to work on a career but keeping a work life balance IS important too.

It might not be the work that has created distance, but he's pinning the blame there.

It sounds as though he needs to be more attentive generally from what you've put.

How does it impact on him? Would he then have to do more than his fair share at home? For example pick up and drop off instead of just pick up? I can see him being a bit put out by this to be honest. My husband could get promoted to a job that involved a lot of travelling and I'd not be keen to be honest because it would mean a lot more work for me at home and we have 2 young kids. If you are still able to do your share of stuff at home, or demonstrate why it doesn't matter that you can't (eg money for a cleaner or gardener or various clubs or something) then I'd go for it. How much less time are you spending with him than before? If this is his genuine reason for not wanting you to take the job you could just try spending more quality time together when you are around rather than just watching tv

@OoohTheStatsDontLie I’m so glad I’m not the only one with this opinion.

@WhereamI88

Take the job. The resentment will kill your relationship anyway.

This is so true. Nothing you've said so far suggests that his reasons for not wanting you to take the job have your interests at heart. This daily realisation will kill your feelings for him stone dead.

And I hope it won't come to that but believe me, if you have to be a single mum, it's better to be a well-paid one.

I'm curious as to how his 'unhappiness'will manifest itself OP? Will he sulk, refuse to do housework, or what?

But yeah, take the job. Congratulations.

@lanthanum

You need to have a good rational discussion with DH about the pros and cons of taking the job, preferably at a time when you can both be reasonably relaxed about it.

The other thing that might be worth doing is talking to your line manager about the fact that your husband is wary about you doing it on a permanent basis. Will they be employing someone new to fill your old job and the person who left? (If so, presumably that might make a big difference, and might allay your DH's fears.

No she doesn't. It's HER job, not a job share with her DH

And NO she absolutely DOES NOT need to discuss her twatty husbands whinging with her line manager. FFS

SERIOUSLY it's not 1950

Take the job, hire a cleaner!

Take the job

Take the job, congratulations, and what a massive bellend he is. "Need you to do more housework", oh get to fuck. "Spectate while I sit on my phone." Some men just can't handle the idea of women working, especially now you're at home and he can see you at it. See you being respected and competent and useful and doing something of value, whereas he - what?, plays his phone for some shifts?

@Foxinsocks1. She's finishing at 4:45. That's nothing like your DH taking a job that involves travelling etc.

@cravingthelook

From experience... take the job and outsource another task.

All day long.

Keep doing the job. Discuss a fair division of work in the home. Save.

Take the job. Your DH is probably objecting to having to do his share of the housework for a change. Tough. You've as much right as he has to a career.