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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Left out of Will

178 replies

IseeIsee · 20/07/2020 20:21

How would you feel if one sibling was left everything in the Will whilst all other siblings were left nothing?

This has come up in my family where my parents will leave everything to one only. The reason they have given is we have houses whilst he does not. He has a good job and deposit but chooses not to buy.

It is my parents money to do as they choose of course and if they spent it all on themselves I would think nothing of it. I am not really upset about the money but just think it is a little odd that they are singleing out one sibling only to benefit. AIBU

OP posts:
CuppaZa · 21/07/2020 03:50

I’m my eyes, it’s not about the money, it’s about being excluded. I would not be able to get over that. Ever.

Smileandtheworldsmileswithyou · 21/07/2020 05:37

Have you tried to talk to them about this? I can’t imagine doing this to my children, I think it’s really unfair and could cause some resentment between you and your brother.

Areyouinthemoon · 21/07/2020 06:08

This happened to me only just last month. My divorced mum has 4 children including me and she’s chosen to give everything, and I mean literally everything, to my DB on the basis that she will live with him until she dies and ultimately because he’s a boy whereas the rest of us are girls and in her culture only boys inherit.

It’s BS. She’s already signed over everything to him... he’s 25 with a £360k house and £15k Audi... and she’s only 53 and still working full time and contributing to bills. My other sisters haven’t protested since my DB convinced them it’s not in their interest, but I’m less suggestible (or less willing to shut up and go away). I’ve said it’s unfair of my mum to advance one child when the remaining 3 will be worse off as a result and I also think it’s manipulative of my DB to get everything signed over now when my mum’s not even dead! She’s not even retained a trust or stake in anything for her own protection!

I am a new mum myself and I struggle to understand how a mum can choose to advance one child over all her children. Surely she would love them equally and try her best for them all so they don’t feel inferior or unloved. It’s not even like she’s helped the rest of us out in other ways.

She basically told me to accept it because that’s how it is and it won’t change. I had a 4 month old baby at the time and the whole family stopped all contact with me until I gave in and shut up.

Brefugee · 21/07/2020 06:40

how come you know this, OP? are your parents looking for someone to step up and take more care of them in the hope they'll change the will? are there other issues at play with the other sibling?

It's mean, it's divisive and it's especially so if they tell you in advance. But it's their money. At least you know not to really put yourself out for them if you don't want - you can foist it all off on the sibling.

unchienandalusia · 21/07/2020 07:11

I have no idea what my parents' wills contain and am astonished so many of you do?

lifecouldbeadream · 21/07/2020 07:26

There’s a difference between different amounts being left because of circumstances like disability or being under 25 and children being treated differently because they are favoured when all other circumstances are equal.

I don’t think that wanting a fair share is entitled or grabby, the money is just a very measurable comparison in how you are viewed by your parents compared to your siblings. It isn’t the lack of inheritance that makes you distance yourself, it’s the hurt from being seen as less than in their eyes.

CasuallyMasculine · 21/07/2020 07:27

@unchienandalusia

I have no idea what my parents' wills contain and am astonished so many of you do?
That’s kind of irrelevant seeing as the whole thread is based on the fact that the OP does know because clearly she’s been told?
MsTSwift · 21/07/2020 07:51

Areyou that is extremely unwise of your mother she is now very vulnerable. Any reputable solicitor would advise against giving children the house during your lifetime if she falls out with him or he gets divorced she has zero recourse and no house. If she needed care she’s breached the capital deprivation rules and the LA could reclaim it anyway. It’s a really bad move.

Velvian · 21/07/2020 08:14

Will your DB be the one to help your parents in their old age, OP? I would find that incredibly hurtful.

Yes it is up to them how they leave their money and their reasons for it, but they have no say in how you react to it and what you read into the decision.

Don't feel like you have to hide your reaction for an easy life. If they take a decision like that and tell you about it, they have to be grown ups and live with the consequences.

okiedokieme · 21/07/2020 09:30

Seems very wrong unless there's a back story. Though an acquaintance was left the house (siblings equally shared other assets) because she moved in and cared for her mother giving up work whilst her siblings rarely visited, not even willing to give her 1 week off a year respite to go away.

Boohoohoohooho · 21/07/2020 09:46

Wow, there are some shocking stories on this thread.

Unless there is a very very good reason inheritances should be split equally. I don't think caring for your parents in old age should be rewarded financially.

I'm the one caring for my parents but I don't expect to be compensated. That would be wrong.

Basecamp65 · 21/07/2020 09:59

I am not leaving everything equally to my children - but for reasons they all fully understand and agree with. But i am leaving them all something.

Maybe there is something else behind this - it seems odd to do it without a full explanation and i would feel hurt too.

mrsBtheparker · 21/07/2020 10:24

Besides if you all bought houses years ago then he would need more money to get on the property ladder at the same terms compared to the rest of you.

Maybe he could have made some effort earlier in his life, his laziness seems to have allowed him to hit the jackpot. If children have been offered the same chances during their youth and some take a different path to others I don't think that their hard work should be penalised!

dottiedodah · 21/07/2020 10:25

We plan to leave everything to be shared equally between our children .Even though one has a very good job and the other struggles .I cannot understand why parents would not do this .It just causes problems and upset between siblings.

dottiedodah · 21/07/2020 10:30

Penelopepitstop49 Many people do try to fight it though! or Solicitors would all be going broke.I agree with you though ,best not to worry about it or it will take over your life.

Pertella · 21/07/2020 10:40

@Thislittlelady

NC for this. Female I know was married and had three kids. Kids all grown up. They get divorced. They both remarry. She has another kid. Fast forward 20 years(ish). First hubby passes. Didn’t change will. Left pensions etc to ex wife. AND SHE TOOK IT! she took everything she could get her grubby little hands on. And she was also particularly underhand when her own parents passed. Some people are just inconceivable in their behaviour. Don’t ask me re the legalities etc I don’t know what happened. But she took it. Oh yes she did. Some people are just nasty, entitled, mean and angry. Sad sad.
As said, divorce will automatically "disinherit" the ex unless another will is made to explicitly make them the beneficiary.

If a new will wasnt made then it would be treated as if he had died intestate and those rules would kick in.

I do like the way you are blaming her for his lack of thought and responsibilities towards his own family in this story though 👏

damnthatanxiety · 21/07/2020 10:55

GrumpyHoonMain

So you think that the other siblings who did all they could to buy should now sit back whilst feckless sibling gets the resources to buy so they can all be on the same level? That's not how life works.Or it shouldn't be. Feckless sibling learns nothing. Hard working siblings feel punished for their good work ethic and not making sacrifices whilst feckless got to party and then get a house for free.Yeah...nah

Cheeseandwin5 · 21/07/2020 10:56

Firstly I totally understand how you are upset and don't want to minimise this but I do think you shouldn't pursue this.
This is about your parents choices, they are in good health so there is no need to question this.
I am not sure their view is about being equal but rather about being equitable. That is all their children are in healthy position financially.
You have chosen to speak about your DB life choices in the most negative way, I assume to strengthen your case , but there may be many other reasons why he has chosen to buy that you may not know about.
Finally this is about your parents dying, you have said you don't need the money so why are you making it all about getting your 'share'.

damnthatanxiety · 21/07/2020 10:57

Pertella

something not right in your story. Divorce/New Marriage makes earlier wills no valid. Unless he specifically wrote ex as beneficiary AFTER he remarried, what you say could not happen

OverTheRainbow88 · 21/07/2020 11:02

I can genuinely say if my parents left my
Siblings out their will and gave it all to
Me I would split it equally once received.
Their love and friendship is far more important.

Pertella · 21/07/2020 12:21

@damnthatanxiety

Pertella

something not right in your story. Divorce/New Marriage makes earlier wills no valid. Unless he specifically wrote ex as beneficiary AFTER he remarried, what you say could not happen

It wasnt my story...
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 21/07/2020 12:28

As said, divorce will automatically "disinherit" the ex unless another will is made to explicitly make them the beneficiary.

If a new will wasnt made then it would be treated as if he had died intestate and those rules would kick in.

I do like the way you are blaming her for his lack of thought and responsibilities towards his own family in this story though

I don't know fully how these things work, but don't you have to nominate the person who will continue to get your pension after you die (presumably it would have to be a spouse at the time of setting it up) with the pension scheme provider when you set it up rather than as part of your will, which is indeed invalidated on your divorce/remarriage? In that case, wouldn't it be up to you to contact the company if you subsequently want to change the beneficiary? The same as with life insurance? I may have that completely wrong, though.

He should have thought about his responsibilities and made sure that his new wife was protected, but she too is morally in the wrong. Legally, it's still hers because he never changed it, but she knows full well that he would never, ever have intended her to benefit when they've been divorced for so very long.

Areyouinthemoon · 21/07/2020 12:29

@MsTSwift that was my point to my mum, especially since my DB is getting married next year and will move his wife into the house he now owns but shares with my mum. The wife will get half the house and if she doesn’t like my mum there’s not much my mum can do other than lie down and take it. Plus why should his wife get my mum’s money which I still say should have been split equally or at least proportionally taking into account her living with my DB so that she left the rest of us something over nothing so we don’t I don’t feel utterly excluded and worthless in her eyes.

My DB is very manipulative though and my mum is forever the martyr so I’m not surprised. Just pissed at how unfair it all is.

Ballybeyondthepail · 21/07/2020 12:38

If my parents did this in my favour I would give half of it to DSis.
I do think it's odd, in my DMs family her DFather left everything to the sons and ignored the daughters which was disgraceful. It meant the boys went and bought houses while the girls did not and were expected to rely on getting a husband. The boys were left shares in the family businesses so had employment and houses.
50 years on and unsurprisingly the men are all very comfortably well off, the aunts much less so.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 21/07/2020 12:44

Even though divorce or remarriage invalidate an old will, they don't automatically reassign the previous beneficiaries to the new people they think you might have wanted to change it to.

If a man leaves everything "To my wife, Jane Smith" and then they get divorced, Jane will no longer inherit on the basis of the now-invalidated will, unless he specifically makes a new one to the same effect; but that doesn't mean that they simply copy and replace 'Jane Smith' with 'Sarah Smith', his new wife, so that she takes Jane's place where the will is concerned and inherits exactly as Jane would previously have done.

Also, of course, you might have been married for a year, divorced, met somebody new and then lived with them as married for 40 years. A lot of people who do this will refer to each other as husband and wife (in public at least - maybe they don't want intrusive questions if they say bf/gf or partner) and believe/assume that 'common law' will understand what their natural intentions would now be after so much time together. Unfortunately for them, the law doesn't work that way: if you've been married for a day, you are married; if you've lived with somebody for 60 years but never married them, legally you are still single.