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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Left out of Will

178 replies

IseeIsee · 20/07/2020 20:21

How would you feel if one sibling was left everything in the Will whilst all other siblings were left nothing?

This has come up in my family where my parents will leave everything to one only. The reason they have given is we have houses whilst he does not. He has a good job and deposit but chooses not to buy.

It is my parents money to do as they choose of course and if they spent it all on themselves I would think nothing of it. I am not really upset about the money but just think it is a little odd that they are singleing out one sibling only to benefit. AIBU

OP posts:
sammylady37 · 20/07/2020 22:56

The entitlement of people on MN when it comes to inheritance never ceases to amaze me. People actually want it enshrined in law that children have to infer it equally??? So the benefactor has no control over the disposal of their assets? Their money is not theirs to do as they wish with? The mind boggles.

It’s their money. You have no right to it. They can leave it to the proverbial cats home if they wish.

And the idea of pulling back or going NC because of it is truly abhorrent. Essentially it means you only engage with your parents because you’re expecting to inherit and if it transpires you won’t inherit, you’re off. Vile.

bridgetreilly · 20/07/2020 23:00

My mum has done will leaving everything to me on the understanding I will spilt everything fairly with my siblings. Not an issue. Reason for the will is mum wants to be cremated which is a simple request however one of my siblings would fight fight tooth and nail just to have a 'win' over me for EVERYTHING.

Your mother has had some bad advice, I'm afraid. Your siblings still have a right to fight with you about the cremation, whether or not they are listed in the will. They are still next of kin. She needs to leave a letter stating her cremation wishes, but even then it's something that the children could overrule.

And while I'm sure you would be completely trustworthy about splitting the inheritance, it puts a huge burden on you to do that as an individual, rather than as an executor of the will. Your siblings could make your life hell, quibbling and accusing you of doing it unfairly.

I really think she would be better dividing the money equally, making you the executor if she wants, but giving it that legal status. And then leaving clear written statements about her cremation wishes with copies for each child.

user1471464702 · 20/07/2020 23:01

So difficult and hurtful my sibling thought they could live Trent free in our jointly inherited family home after out parents died - had to show I had seen a solicitor and pay rent as I was not benefiting in anyway from being left half a house it was awful

Nicknacky · 20/07/2020 23:01

It’s not about “entitlement”. My h is hurt by what it represents. That’s he isn’t thought of as much as his step sisters.

giantangryrooster · 20/07/2020 23:01

Meh, few people would like this, not because of the money, but because of the emotional inequality this signals.

Don't know if I would say it, but I would definitely think: well you devide your money, feelings and attention the way you see fit, so will I.

Unless this sibling is the only one helping out/in contact, not the deepest FOG would make me want to spend time with them.

Why surround yourself with people, who make you feel bad or wants to make you fight for their love?

(and stuff the 10k you were given, 10k doesn't give a life-long hold on anyone).

Btw You and your siblings must harbor quite a lot of resentment towards each other, considering this was about college payments too. Do any of you stand up for each other or are you fighting over the bones your parents throw?

user1471464702 · 20/07/2020 23:02

Often the youngest male child funnily enough never left home mid 40’s and chose to save and not buy or move out had it too easy soz for typos Blush

WeAllHaveWings · 20/07/2020 23:09

MIL had 3 sons and 5 grandchildren.

She unexpectedly left everything to one grandchild, probably in the region of £300k. No explanations, it caused unbelievable hurt in dh's family.

MorganKitten · 20/07/2020 23:09

It is my parents money to do as they choose of course

This

locked2020 · 20/07/2020 23:13

"I think I'd be very hurt if my parents did that and while, yes, it is their money I'd be stunned if they couldn't see how hurtful and essentially divisive it would "

This

SusieOwl4 · 20/07/2020 23:13

Yes I think you have every right to feel hurt. Their reasons does not make sense .

giantangryrooster · 20/07/2020 23:16

@MorganKitten

It is my parents money to do as they choose of course

This

Of course it is, and it is up to OP how she feels about being disregarded and ultimately what relationship she wants with pare, who treat their dc like this. Actions and consequences.
Ontheboardwalk · 20/07/2020 23:17

bridgetreilly my mother has stated in her will cremation it’s in writing to stop the arguments. It’s a standard question in any legal will She’s also got a letter with her solicitors stating why she’s made her decisions.

Marilla27 · 20/07/2020 23:19

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oakleaffy · 20/07/2020 23:20

I have known people to be really unpleasant in their Wills....... to deliberately hurt a blood 'child.'
The will writer must know the havoc and hurt they will leave by doing this.

It causes endless family division and unpleasantness... and if it goes to law, costs many tens of thousands...and can rumble for many years.
{PS not affected personally by this, but know of people who have been disinherited out of sheer unpleasantness by a vindictive parent.

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/07/2020 23:21

"Their money, their choice, dont be grabby, blah blah....." so far so boring

But the fact is that if your parents ignore you in favour of a sibling it fucking HURTS!!!!! Its either blatant favouritism or they dont even care enough to hate you so forget you're there. Either way its a kick in the tits and anyone who says "their money, their choice, get over it" has zero empathy and is safe in the knowledge that they will get their "share".

timeisnotaline · 20/07/2020 23:23

It is very unfair absent a significant reason. I see you’ve said something. If it ever came up with others I’d say I wonder what excuse they would have found if db had bought a house. I’m sure they’d come up with something without saying out loud cos we love you the most. Just be calmly honest about what I thought.

And if they needed more support I’d just message db- hey joe, mum and dad need weekly shops done these days, over to you.

Iloveyoutothefridgeandback · 20/07/2020 23:26

My parents have not divided equally in their will. But one of my siblings has serious substance abuse problems and has done for his whole adult life. Any money given to him would be spent on drugs and he would probably kill himself with it. He has also had a lot of run ins with the law and we don't hear much from him unless he needs bailing out of gang debts.

I consider these to be quite extreme circumstances. I would usually say that it's unfair not to divide equally.

oakleaffy · 20/07/2020 23:31

@Iloveyoutothefridgeandback
Agreed ...He would blast through any inheritance.
I know an addict who did just this, many years ago.
He was left a house, and blew the lot.

Far better in these severe instances to leave it in a Trust, or not to leave it at all.

IdblowJonSnow · 20/07/2020 23:33

@saltycat
Thanks. I hope I'd have the strength to do that! Siblings are a lot wealthier than me, one has adult kids, the other has none whereas mine are still little etc. So it's not an even pitch and we dont get along that well!
I'm not sure they'd so the same for me either...
But I still feel like we should get a vaguely similar amount even if one had a small concession.

OP I'm sorry it hasn't gone well for you. Perhaps they'll have a think and understand where you're coming from.

OnGoldenPond · 21/07/2020 00:22

This is making me think about my own situation.

DM has made me sole beneficiary of her will leaving out my two siblings. This is because the relationship with them both has been very poor for many years (abusive behaviour towards my DF when he was suffering dementia, bullying of both my parents and borrowing very large sums of money which were never paid back).

DM made her decision as she did not want them to benefit after their awful behaviour, but maybe it should be split evenly because blood trumps all?

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/07/2020 00:32

@OnGoldenPond

This is making me think about my own situation.

DM has made me sole beneficiary of her will leaving out my two siblings. This is because the relationship with them both has been very poor for many years (abusive behaviour towards my DF when he was suffering dementia, bullying of both my parents and borrowing very large sums of money which were never paid back).

DM made her decision as she did not want them to benefit after their awful behaviour, but maybe it should be split evenly because blood trumps all?

I would suggest that she gets some advice on this to avoid the will being contested. Or at least a note in it explaining why she has left them out, such as the loans covering their "share".
1forAll74 · 21/07/2020 01:02

I have heard of this many times over the years, and you can't do much about it. There can be many reasons why people are left out of a will, one which you have mentioned, or deep rooted family arguments, and a dislike of some family member etc.

BAAAH · 21/07/2020 01:28

One of my sisters has been left out of my parents' will. She's a very vicious woman and has been NC with my parents for many years. My parents had to explain to the solicitors why she wasn't in the will.

Frankly it's been a really long and very hard road caring for my parents and I think that deserves recognition.

sammylady37 · 21/07/2020 03:29

Either way its a kick in the tits and anyone who says "their money, their choice, get over it" has zero empathy and is safe in the knowledge that they will get their share

Bullshit. As I said on a similar thread recently, I know that one of my siblings is massively favoured relative to the rest of us, in the wills. (My parents had mirror wills, one is now dead)

It genuinely does not bother me. I don’t perceive it as favouritism, much less “a kick in the tits”. I have no expectations whatsoever in relation to my parents assets and consider anything I do receive to be a bonus. They tested and educated me, and as far as I’m concerned, that was their role and they did it well. They can do what they wish with their money/assets.

sammylady37 · 21/07/2020 03:30

*raised and educated, not tested.