Grown men who can't drive

[madcatladyforever]

AIBU or what! Just had a row with my DS who is not talking to me because he can't drive at 40 years old. There is no good reason why not, he's done all the lessons just can't be bothered to take the test.
His wife ferries him about everywhere despite the fact she's in very poor health and shouldn't even be on the road in my opinion.
He wanted me to collect him for the weekend a 7 hour round trip and I said no, I have slipped discs and I'm on tramadol, I can't drive for 7 hours.
I don't see why we should be unpaid chauffeurs all the time and I'm not doing it any more.
Not being able to drive completely limits their lives, they can't live in a rural area which they want to do, he can only take a job there is public transport too and he can't drive to any big store out of town and pick up furniture or tools or whatever.
It is driving me mad and I said to his wife, stop ferrying him about, he needs to get his license. What happens if you have to go into hospital - who is going to drive you there and back.
Now he is furious with me for "interfering" but if your mother can't say it who can.
I get the test is scary but if we never did anything because we were nervous we'd never achieve anything in our lives.

I can't believe what I'm reading- not driving is emasculating? I wonder why there's such an issue with toxic masculinity in society when people think like this?

My husband does not drive. He has never once in the 25 years we've been together asked me to drive him anywhere or pick him up; he always sorts transport for himself. (Obviously I offer when I'm available or he needs to attend hospital or something) Not being able to drive doesn't make you an entitled twunt or inconsiderate.

He doesn't drive because psychologically he cannot get behind the wheel of a car- his father was murdered in a car bombing.

But quite frankly there have been many occasions when I've really needed his help for example when I moved house and he has not been able to drive here to help me out.

I agreed with your initial position OP but I don't do not agree with this. Sorry. Just as he is free to choose to drive or not, as long as he doesn't impose on others. You cannot expect someone else to drive so that they can help you out.

I live in a major city with great public transport. I don't own a car, I don't ask for lifts as it's never occurred to me that I can't get there using my own legs or public transport! Large items can be delivered! In fact, anything can be delivered and this has been the case for over a decade! So I don't know why people are asking for lifts to go shopping.

Say no to your DS if he asks to be ferried around. He will either learn to drive or find another way. But remember he is 40 so he can do what he likes with his life, and it is up to his wife to decide whether she wishes to carry on giving him a lift or not.

However, now my life and work are built around the fact that I can drive and own my own car.

Which is why you're so inconvenienced now.

This -

*Oh fuck off.

We have walked and/or caught public transport*

And this...

Or we've used our own two feet. The pandemic hasn't deprived any averagely healthy person of the ability to walk

I'm astounded at the entitlement in this thread tbqh. Baffling why so many people now view cars and driving as a right rather than a privilege, and also an absolute necessity for basic function in modern society.

You need a car to get to work, the shops, etc, fair enough, but you chose to live somewhere without adequate public transport. Other people made other choices and have no need of a car. It's bizarre and ridiculous to assert they are somehow deficient for choosing not to drive when they have no need of a car.

And yes, people who choose not to drive but expect lifts everywhere are cheeky fuckers.

I'm a bit suspicious of anyone who (without good reason) can't drive, my Mum and Stepdad included. Forever relying on people for lifts, standing about waiting for buses, fussing about train times and train fares.

Fuck that. I've been driving 16 years and after a childhood with no family car sometimes I still find myself thinking how lucky I am to have one now and reminding myself never to take it for granted. Learning to drive is the single most useful thing I've ever done for myself.

"But quite frankly there have been many occasions when I've really needed his help for example when I moved house and he has not been able to drive here to help me out"

So your son is at fault because his inability to drive means he has to rely on you, but you want him to drive so you can... rely on him?

Also LO FUCKING L at @ "I don't know how people coped during this pandemic without a car"!

I clicked YABU because:
You generalised, but you are talking about one person, with his individual attitude, in one particular set of circumstances and I have no issue with 'grown men' or anyone else who chooses not to or is unable to drive and doesn't expect others to give lifts or hep out all the time.

In this day and age why do people who are not farmers and other rurally based jobs, want to live in rural areas with no public transport? And thereby make their lives car and fuel dependent? It is arguably an indulgent luxury to live somewhere where you have to burn fuel to get a pint of milk, or make your children dependent on you for lifts. Love nature and outdoor life but burn engine fuel to live amongst it?

I wouldn't make the choice to live very rurally with a health condition. It will take ages for an ambulance to arrive, a long drive to hospital, a drive to the chemist, awkward for other families to visit, etc etc.

I agree that he has no business expecting his poor ill wife to act taxi for him, and it is a waste that he has done lessons but won't take his test.

Is he afraid of failure?

You cannot expect someone else to drive so that they can help you out.

Why not, he expects me and his wife to help him out all the time. And its a sad day when families don't help each other out if they can. I would hate not being able to help my mum out. She can't drive anymore as she's too old and I'd be there like a flash if she needed hospital treatment and a ride home.

It doesn't have to be a choice between driving and being ferried around. Any adult, male or female, is free to do without driving as long as they take responsibility for organising their lives without it

Dh didn't learn to drive until he was into his 40s and then only because he needed it to take on new work duties. Before that, he was very fit, cycled long distances through the rain, could walk for hours with a heavy load on his back, happily carried a heavy toddler on his back up mountainsides- I really don't see any of that that as emasculating. He's not quite as fit now.

My dad hasn't driven since he finished his national services, never relied on other people for transport, and was still extremely vigorous until his early 80s, could keep up with men half his age, was still climbing roofs and painting facades until he hit 86 when his family decided enough was enough and the younger generation needed a look in. In his case, it wasn't fear of driving (he did drive while in the military) but environmental reasons.

I can't drive for medical reasons so while dc were little we simply organised our lives without driving. Took trains, buses, walked (pushing disabled child in wheelchairs). Worked for us.

Wish my MIL would have words with her son about not learning to drive. Apparently it is perfectly accetable. I can tell you it is a right pain. Three kids, two different schools and then another location for childminder for youngest. I work full time so this all happens before I start work at 8am. Then again in reverse in the evening. The older kids are very into sports and have national competitions so we can be all over the place for fixtures, then we also have the training sessions to attend. Quite often having to be in two place at once. The medical appointments, orthodenist appointments, shopping. Drop offs/collections to the older kids social events. Trips to the dump become a family outing as cant leave the little one at home. Day trips, family visits all over the country. Holiday transport. The lot all gets landed in my lap. I often can't take place in family activities once we arrive, eg climbing, skating, skiing etc as I am too worried I will get injured and not be able to drive. A broken leg would mean the family would find things really difficult for 6 weeks or so whilst I recover. I am actually supposed to be having surgery on my feet but I have been putting it off as I have no idea how we would manage. I wouldnt want to send the kids off to school in taxis to school. We live semi-rurally with a very limited bus service.

I only do it for the children, I don't feel like they should suffer and miss opportuties because their DF is unable to drive.

DH has said for years he will at some stage learn to drive................

Perfectly acceptable that you said no to your DS. I don't like driving but needs must sometimes.

" standing about waiting for buses, fussing about train times and train fares."

How dare people without a car use public transport, selfish layabout gits.

It's up to people if thy choose to learn to drive, but they can't expect everyone else to pander to them and ferry them around.

Your DS has everyone ferrying him about and enabling him.

Is he afraid of failure?

I really do have NO idea. He has said he's going to take it for years and every year is going to be the year and nothing happens.
I have to live in a rural area because my job is here.
As soon as I retire or have to leave from disability I'm going to be moving back to civilisation but for now I go where the money is. I couldn't get a job anywhere else after I lost my last job. This is at least a very safe job.

Where I am it would be de-masculating (if there is such a word) for a man not to get his licence (barring medical reasons). It's absolutely unheard of. All males naturally want to get their licence. Here they get their Learner's Permit at 16. A boy who can't drive at the age of 19 is so rare it is almost unheard of. It is a matter of self respect and pride. To be honest I question why you didn't press him to get it as a teen. I'm a woman, and even as a teen everyone asked when I'm getting my licence. It's not an option here, it's an expectation. I don't know of anyone, especially a male, who doesn't want to drive. So your son is absolutely and completely bizarre to me. It's normal behaviour, especially for a male. I would be so embarrassed and deeply ashamed of him if he were my son, and he would have known this in no uncertain terms at the age of 19, let alone 40. You really should have made sure he got it as a teenager, not beat him with the rod you made yourself by not pushing him back then. OP I would be asking him isn't he embarrassed not having his licence, when other men do?

@madcatladyforever I don't drive, but when my friend needed me, I loaded enough supplies and took DD with me(on trains,3 changes, 2 hours) to live with her for a week and help her out. I've also gone there to baby sit, or just spend the day together. Actually quite a few if my friends leave at least a 2h train journey away and I always travel with DD. Never stopped me visiting them or helping them out when they needed.

Don't assume his lack of help is just due to his lack of driving.

I do think it partly depends where you live. I would hate to have to learn if you live in a city, and with public transport available you probably don't need to.

However, I grew up in a village which did have one bus a week for market day. To get the bus for college the quickest route was to walk across 2 fields and then run across a dual carriageway to get to the bus stop! I learnt to drive as soon as a I could.

I have always lived where it was necessary to drive as public transport has always been limited. I have reduced my use of my car during lockdown but have needed it for shopping as have been doing shopping for elderly parents and neighbours.

MIL sold her car last year and didn't replace it as was hardly using it as public transport is very good where she lives. However, I do wonder whether she misses it during lockdown as she is not so keen on wearing masks and will have to use them on public transport.

Why do you need to make a 7 hr round trip round trip simply because you live in a rural area? Do you literally live 3.5 hours from the nearest train station/bus stop? It must be very remote if he can't even travel some of the way.

"It's not an option here, it's an expectation. "

Who's paying for this "expectation"?

Where I am it would be de-masculating (if there is such a word) for a man not to get his licence (barring medical reasons). It's absolutely unheard of. All males naturally want to get their licence. Here they get their Learner's Permit at 16. A boy who can't drive at the age of 19 is so rare it is almost unheard of. It is a matter of self respect and pride.

Why would your ability to drive a large machine be linked to (a) masculinity and (b) self-respect and pride?

I would be so embarrassed and deeply ashamed of him if he were my son, and he would have known this in no uncertain terms at the age of 19, let alone 40.

Man, you have serious issues,

My ex husband couldn't drive when I met him either. He liked to go away every weekend on various jollies, guess who had to drive hundreds of miles all the time. After a few months of this I refused to drive him anywhere and said if you want to go on all these long trips then learn to drive.
So he took lessons and passed his test. Then spent the next 20 years criticising my bloody driving the cheeky sod. I also found out he's racked up a huge credit card bill for the lessons, almost a grand!!! Who spends a grand on driving lessons :-o

....fussing about train times and train fares.

It takes a few clicks of a mouse to look up train times and buy a ticket online. How is that 'fussing'?

Or if I fancy the walk I might go and buy the tickets at my local station. But nobody is inconvenienced or even knows about it if I do, so why is it a problem if I choose to do that?

@Timekeeper1 sounds like the area you live in needs to get out of the 19th century.

OP this is a sexist post. I hate to break it to you but there's forty year old women that don't drive too, there's also some that are forty one

"I also found out he's racked up a huge credit card bill for the lessons, almost a grand!!! Who spends a grand on driving lessons :-o"

People who aren't as naturally capable as you clearly are obviously.