Grown men who can't drive

[madcatladyforever]

AIBU or what! Just had a row with my DS who is not talking to me because he can't drive at 40 years old. There is no good reason why not, he's done all the lessons just can't be bothered to take the test.
His wife ferries him about everywhere despite the fact she's in very poor health and shouldn't even be on the road in my opinion.
He wanted me to collect him for the weekend a 7 hour round trip and I said no, I have slipped discs and I'm on tramadol, I can't drive for 7 hours.
I don't see why we should be unpaid chauffeurs all the time and I'm not doing it any more.
Not being able to drive completely limits their lives, they can't live in a rural area which they want to do, he can only take a job there is public transport too and he can't drive to any big store out of town and pick up furniture or tools or whatever.
It is driving me mad and I said to his wife, stop ferrying him about, he needs to get his license. What happens if you have to go into hospital - who is going to drive you there and back.
Now he is furious with me for "interfering" but if your mother can't say it who can.
I get the test is scary but if we never did anything because we were nervous we'd never achieve anything in our lives.

Yanbu. My sister has her licence and refuses to use a car. She lives in the sticks and still at home so my mum ferries her everywhere. She is 36! Drives me crackers.

I don’t know how people have coped in the pandemic without a car.

They've relied on people with cars!

Nope. I wasn't at work because the government said we had to close. I get public transport to work - it was still running, but I avoided it to free up a space for those who couldn't walk to get their shopping like I can, or who needed it for a key worker role, as we were asked to. Didn't get in a car for the entirety of lockdown. Only cars I've got in since are taxi's to get home from work late and a social occasion. Since reopening I've used public transport again.
Regarding needing lifts for medical reasons, many times you'd not have not been able to drive anyway, due to the procedure or injury - so a driving license in those circumstances wouldn't have helped in the slightest anyway, and for anything you could drive to and from - public transport. And after a GA it's recommended that you don't be alone for 24 hours anyway.
My life is arranged so that I can be independent without a car - why do so many people have a problem with that? I don't have an issue with those who arrange their lives around having one, because it's their life. In the same way my life is arranged around my shifts at work, my child and my income.
As I said before, people are more than just their mode of transportation.

Why do you need to make a 7 hr round trip round trip simply because you live in a rural area? Do you literally live 3.5 hours from the nearest train station/bus stop? It must be very remote if he can't even travel some of the way.

I live about 3 and a half hours drive from him each way. he could get the train part way but doesn't want to. Funny that - I don't want to drive for 7 hours. So stalemate.

"he could get the train part way but doesn't want to"

So your son is just a selfish dickhead. He still wouldn't drive you even if he could. This is not a reflection on whether he does or doesn't hold a license.

@DeeTractor Parents pay for their children to get driving lessons or kids pay out of pocket money.

@DazzleCamouflage No, I don't, I think those who think not getting your licence is ok, are the ones with issues.

@Waxonwaxoff0 That is ironic considering not being able to drive is backward and from the 19th century. Being modern means able to drive. Where I am we value a person being independent. Perhaps where you are, the motor car hasn't been invented.

YANBU. Fine if you won't drive or can't, not fine to expect others to ferry you around and do so for free.

I only know two men who have never driven, whereas I know a number of women. One of the men had hip problems from adolescence so missed the usual learning to drive window, then married his wife who did all the driving (and worked with him in their business, so it worked for them). They are now both in their 90s so I doubt he will learn now...

@DeeTractor

" standing about waiting for buses, fussing about train times and train fares."

How dare people without a car use public transport, selfish layabout gits.

My comment was to demonstrate how I feel about not driving. That was my way of life for the 20 years before I learnt to drive myself, as my parents never did, and like I say 'FUCK THAT'.

Apologies that you misread it.

The fact that they don't drive (could do, perfectly capable, can afford it, never bothered) just causes endless issues. Mum's previously centrally located city office moved to an outlying industrial estate; obviously this is a problem and she now relies on the kindness of colleagues. At Christmas they can't visit anyone in the family as there's no public transport, so again it's lifts or everyone trekking to them instead. Perhaps their friends don't mind giving lifts (I've driven friends to & from the airport, picked up their kids when they're stuck, been designated-driver for parties etc) but it must start to grate after a while when the favour can and never will be returned.

OP do the schools where you are not have Driver's Ed? They did in mine, and I am not much older than your son.

Very un sexy

"@DeeTractor Parents pay for their children to get driving lessons or kids pay out of pocket money."

And if they can't afford this?

"OP do the schools where you are not have Driver's Ed? They did in mine, and I am not much older than your son."

Assuming OP is in the UK, no.

Being modern means able to drive

Snort. Greta Thunberg, come here, we need you.

Are you in the US “@Timekeeper1” ?

We don’t do Drivers Ed at school in the U.K. - at least no school I’ve ever come across.

he could get the train part way but doesn't want to.

So he's a selfish dick. Nothing to do with his inability to drive. I think you're deluding yourself a bit, thinking that if he could drive he'd suddenly be available or even want to help you when you need it.

@LetitiaMartin

....fussing about train times and train fares.

It takes a few clicks of a mouse to look up train times and buy a ticket online. How is that 'fussing'?

Or if I fancy the walk I might go and buy the tickets at my local station. But nobody is inconvenienced or even knows about it if I do, so why is it a problem if I choose to do that?

@LetitiaMartin My post was about MY attitude to not driving, not theirs. After a childhood freezing at bus stops, missing trains and as a teen often having to leave get-togethers early as there was no parent to pick me up, there was no way I wasn't going to drive myself.

My parents don't seem to mind at all, but I can imagine it grates on the colleagues, friends and family who have to either change their plans to suit the non-drivers, or run around after them. I drive a non-driving colleague to work every day (she lives right by me) and it is an inconvenience at times; I can't make spontaneous plans for after work, and I feel bad when I'm on leave or sick as she's stuck.

I think it's funny in a sad way, how this has turned into a drivers V non-drivers debate. Personally I don't care whether someone chooses to drive or not, it neither makes them a better nor worse person. I know a man who doesn't drive but is an awesome hands-on father, taking his kids everywhere on the tube, and I know another guy who drives a beautiful car but does f8ck all with his kids, leaving it all to his wife while he takes his car out fishing - he never invites his family along. What does this say about drivers and non-drivers? Absolutely nothing.

@Timekeeper1 I meant the attitudes about being "emasculated."

@Timekeeper1 and driving is actually bad for the environment. Much more modern to use public transport or cycle, and save the planet.

@DazzleCamouflage

So you still use horse and cart then? Or walk? How very primitive.

@Divebar No, Australia. We don’t do Drivers Ed at school in the U.K. - at least no school I’ve ever come across.
Then that there goes a long way to explain the attitude of non-drivers in the UK and some on this thread. If it's not taught as a priority, that explains some things. I'm so glad in Australia (and the US, and Canada, and NZ, and etc etc) it is a compulsory part of the curriculum. Or it least it was compulsory when I was at school. It's considered 'life skills'.

@Waxonwaxoff0 A lot of things are bad for the environment. But driving is an essential life skill.

I know several people who don’t drive, for environmental reasons. They cycle, use public transport and occasional taxis, or pay for petrol if being given a lift. It works fine, and helps keep pollution down.

@Timekeeper1 How much pocket money do you give your children? My boyfriend was learning to drive and lessons were £45 per hour, the average driver has 45 lessons, thats over £2,000. Then you also have the cost of the theory and practical test.

Then if you pass insurance is around £1,125 a year, then you have VED and the cost of purchasing a car.

Learning to drive isn’t affordable to many people.

Also, anyone ashamed of their child is not a good parent.

@Timekeeper1 well, it's not, because I don't drive and I've never found it to be essential.

One of my male friends refuses to drive.
Got his licence as soon as he could, drove around quite a lot. Then one night a drunk ,homeless guy ran in front of his car and that was that. He never got behind the wheel again.

I'm a bit suspicious of anyone who (without good reason) can't drive, my Mum and Stepdad included. Forever relying on people for lifts, standing about waiting for buses, fussing about train times and train fares.

What a strange comment to be suspicious of someone because they can't drive! What are you suspicious of? Holding a driving license doesn't make someone less likely to be a selfish and entitled git in general.

And forever relying on people for lifts - well if you are, then you're a lazy and entitled individual who needs to be told no.

Standing about waiting for buses and fussing with train times and fares - and I could say that I don't have to worry about car tax, insurance, having my car wrecked by an uninsured driver, it being nicked, getting it MOT'd, getting it repaired, it breaking down in the middle of nowhere or on the side of a motorway, having to stop for fuel and being stuck if I don't make it, checking oil and tyres or paying someone to do it. I travel for £20 a week ticket for work and leisure/shopping etc - with all the expenses included in a car I'm not sure many would be able to run one on that. I don't have the added expense of big repairs and replacements either that will come up in a car.

I get what you're saying that it's better for you that you can drive, but why be suspicious of someone who arranged their life around the fact they don't and doesn't affect anyone else? I'm not suspicious of you because you drive, my ex was a violent abuser, he could drive - should I be suspicious of everyone that drives on the strength of that or realise that he and he alone is responsible for his behaviour and his driving license is incidental?