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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grown men who can't drive

925 replies

madcatladyforever · 20/07/2020 11:51

AIBU or what! Just had a row with my DS who is not talking to me because he can't drive at 40 years old. There is no good reason why not, he's done all the lessons just can't be bothered to take the test.
His wife ferries him about everywhere despite the fact she's in very poor health and shouldn't even be on the road in my opinion.
He wanted me to collect him for the weekend a 7 hour round trip and I said no, I have slipped discs and I'm on tramadol, I can't drive for 7 hours.
I don't see why we should be unpaid chauffeurs all the time and I'm not doing it any more.
Not being able to drive completely limits their lives, they can't live in a rural area which they want to do, he can only take a job there is public transport too and he can't drive to any big store out of town and pick up furniture or tools or whatever.
It is driving me mad and I said to his wife, stop ferrying him about, he needs to get his license. What happens if you have to go into hospital - who is going to drive you there and back.
Now he is furious with me for "interfering" but if your mother can't say it who can.
I get the test is scary but if we never did anything because we were nervous we'd never achieve anything in our lives.

OP posts:
DazzleCamouflage · 20/07/2020 13:49

And it is perfectly possible to say no to the expectations of entitled non-drivers. You could be surrounded by non-drivers expecting to be given lifts everywhere on a daily basis. It is still your choice whether to comply or not. No one is putting a gun to your head.

GrumpyHoonMain · 20/07/2020 13:50

I think you were right to tell him straight. Not driving (and using public transport) is one thing but expecting your sick wife / mum to chauffeur you everywhere is quite another.

DazzleCamouflage · 20/07/2020 13:51

Only if you want it to be. I'm driving a 12 year old car which I bought new for £7k. The costs of ownership/use over the 12 years is thousands less than the alternative costs of public transport/taxis etc.

But nobody is coughing up £7k at one fell swoop for public transport or taxis.

Coldemort · 20/07/2020 13:52

I dont drive die to a mixture of not being able to afford it and hating it.
2 years ago I costed what it would take to run an average car. I put 1/2 of that into a 'travel account' that goes on public transport and taxis. I've never found anywhere to be inaccessible and the only lifts I've had over the last year was Christmas Day.
It's the person not their driving ability.

GrumpyHoonMain · 20/07/2020 13:52

@DazzleCamouflage

Only if you want it to be. I'm driving a 12 year old car which I bought new for £7k. The costs of ownership/use over the 12 years is thousands less than the alternative costs of public transport/taxis etc.

But nobody is coughing up £7k at one fell swoop for public transport or taxis.

I paid 3k for my car. Which is about the cost of a bus season ticket where I am
OleanderOllivander · 20/07/2020 13:52

I know I'm going to get shot down for saying this but: I was once asked out by a very attractive man, who couldn't drive. His inability to drive completed emasculated him (IMO) and despite the fact that he was really good looking, I decided not to date him.

Not going to shoot you down but … I do find this completely incomprehensible!

I don’t drive and think I would make a very poor driver - very anxious passenger and never quite sure I’m going to make it out alive when on a long car journey – though I trust most drivers a lot more than I’d trust myself! And it’s very, very expensive to learn to drive, let alone run a car. Locally I walk all the time; if really necessary I’ll catch a bus locally, and am completely happy with coaches or trains for long distances. The only time I really need to travel by car (other than for the benefit of anyone else who happens to be travelling with me) is visits to the vet. In that case I either stump up for a taxi or ask a favour of my daughter (who lives at home and for whom I do many other favours). If there’s absolutely no other alternative I’d ask a close friend and pay for petrol (this has happened about once a decade).

It’s true my own life is constrained by it: I chose the location of my home because there’s work nearby and my job for its location, but I don’t impose on other people. I’m happy with it.

andyoldlabour · 20/07/2020 13:53

My sister is twenty years older than the OP's son, still lives with remaining parent and has never learned to drive because in her words - "Why should I? I don't need to drive".
She does seem to cadge a lot of lifts off other people though. Couple of years ago, we drove six hours to see them. The first thing she said when we arrived was "Can you give me a lift into town?"
My reply - "No, but a nice cup of tea would go down well"

DazzleCamouflage · 20/07/2020 13:54

I paid 3k for my car. Which is about the cost of a bus season ticket where I am

Yes. £3k. Less than half the sum mentioned by the other poster as the cost of her car.

Coldemort · 20/07/2020 13:55

@DazzleCamouflage

Only if you want it to be. I'm driving a 12 year old car which I bought new for £7k. The costs of ownership/use over the 12 years is thousands less than the alternative costs of public transport/taxis etc.

But nobody is coughing up £7k at one fell swoop for public transport or taxis.

Rubbish. Including initial costs, depreciation, fuel, MOT, tax, repairs, parking - that's a hell of a lot of public transport. I spend around £100 a month on public transport. I work 30 minutes drive away and am lazy a bugger for taxis
ArriettyJones · 20/07/2020 13:55

@DeeTractor Smile

Divebar · 20/07/2020 13:57

I had a licence long before I owned a car and like lots of people lived in London with good public transport however there were still occasions when a car would have been useful for a variety of reasons, eg a big supermarket shop, a trip to Ikea for furniture, buying paint or DIY supplies, a trip to a garden centre for plants. Hospital appointments in weirdly awkward suburban locations. Some trips which might be a short distance driving can actually be awkward to get to on public transport if you have to go into the centre and then back out again.
I’ve been the person struggling with my tins of paint on the bus and I can’t imagine doing that now especially with a kid in tow. So yes some transport is fuss free but it’s not ALWAYS that straightforward.

Spidey66 · 20/07/2020 13:58

I’m 54 and can’t drive. I’m female though so that’s ok. I’ve had lessons but can’t get the hang ball f it. Always lived in London though where it’s not a big issue.

Coldemort · 20/07/2020 13:59

@DazzleCamouflage

I paid 3k for my car. Which is about the cost of a bus season ticket where I am

Yes. £3k. Less than half the sum mentioned by the other poster as the cost of her car.

Really where do you live? As it's only £80 for a monthly ticket in London I'm very curious what bus company charges 3x this. I'm in the North West and my weekly ticket is £12 a week. Unless of course you're making those figures up...
Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 20/07/2020 13:59

@Badbadbunny

Owning and maintaining a car is bloody expensive.

Only if you want it to be. I'm driving a 12 year old car which I bought new for £7k. The costs of ownership/use over the 12 years is thousands less than the alternative costs of public transport/taxis etc.

Not everyone wants a £300 per month leased BMW!

The cost of purchasing a car is only part of it though - you've got to maintain it, repair it, new tyres, petrol, insurance (which can cost more than the car depending on your age, type of car etc), congestion charge, parking charges, tolls etc. Driving and running a car isn't cheap.
Morgana7 · 20/07/2020 13:59

I’m 32 and don’t drive. My DP will occasionally give me a lift somewhere if he’s got nothing to do and it’s raining heavily, but 95% of the time I get the bus and I never expect him to ferry me around.
My sister finds it really annoying that I don’t drive even though I don’t think I’ve ever asked her for a lift anywhere in my life. I think she just thinks I’m lazy not to have learned. I did do a few lessons but I have really bad anxiety and I’m much happier using public transport.
If I was dating a man who didn’t drive then I wouldn’t care (as long as we lived somewhere near a bus stop)

Coffeepot72 · 20/07/2020 13:59

@OleanderOllivander thank you for not shooting me! I live in an area with very sparse public transport and absolutely everyone drives, out of sheer necessity. Practically everyone has a driving licence by the time they're 18, so to meet a man who declared himself a non-driver was very strange, he'd never got round to learning, but when someone disadvantages themselves for no good reason, it makes them look unattractive (if that makes sense)? If I lived in London or somewhere with decent public transport I may have felt differently?

ClaudiaWankleman · 20/07/2020 14:00

'Driving is a life skill' is quite a privileged position to take. Being able to boil an egg and slice bread are life skills - driving is an extra.

Cosmos45 · 20/07/2020 14:01

My friends husband doesn't drive and I often feel very sorry for her. God knows how she manages with two children. They now live out of a city centre (used to be in London) and she does everything that requires them to drive.

1forAll74 · 20/07/2020 14:02

It is a pain and inconvenient,to have to ferry a non driving person around,especially if they expect you to do it. But I know a few older non drivers, but I never ask why they don't drive, there must be reason for it, and it's generally not because they are lazy at all.

Mmmmdanone · 20/07/2020 14:05

A friend's husband did loads of lessons and then decided not to bother taking the test. So he drives if my friend is in the car but can't drive alone or on motorways. They have 2 kids and it's a pain in the arse for her.

Original poster
madcatladyforever · 20/07/2020 14:05

DS and his wife have a car. It's "hers". She doesn't drive to work she gets public transport because it's door to door but they do like going on holiday and one year she did Cornwall, Scotland and Wales in one holiday while he kipped and I did think that was way too much for her.
I stopped doing it in recent years and have said no a lot so he's had to see me by train although I did say yes one Christmas because I wanted us all to be together. But I think if they are going on long holidays like that he needs to take his test.
I have a lease car because I work in the NHS and that costs me £130 a month all in, I scour the country for lease car bargains. Old bangers worked out more expensive.
But they would be sharing his wife's car if he ever passes his test.

OP posts:
MilerVino · 20/07/2020 14:05

You've made the classic mistake of not appreciating the state of public transport at the other end! Just because there's good PT near the venue, doesn't mean there is near the attendees homes or workplaces at the start and end of the day, nor cost nor duration of the journeys. This is a classic mistake made by those who live/work near good public transport links.

I'm not quite that stupid, actually. I've lived in a very rural location for the last 10 years and over that time have seen how public transport has deteriorated. For much of that time I was without a car so I was more than aware that although public transport was reasonable once I'd got into the next market town, getting to the town was extremely difficult and for some pretty much impossible without a car.

I was organising events for people who had cars. They wanted to travel into rural areas for events, using those cars. Since this was a nature conservation charity, this struck me as being against our ethos. I suggested to them that instead they hold these events in places accessible by more ecological transport. This opened up the audiences who could attend. Those in rural areas with cars could drive to the public transport links and use those - it's why towns in rural areas have park and ride facilities. Those dependent on public transport were at least looking to get somewhere with transport, rather than being expected to travel into rural areas with nothing.

Do me a favour and don't presume I live somewhere with good links and am unable to think about those less fortunate. You are quite wrong.

Alex50 · 20/07/2020 14:06

I don’t know how people have coped in the pandemic without a car. I could still carry on as normal, it would’ve been hard work having to go shopping, especially as I was shopping for my elderly parents as well, you couldn’t have walked, buses were sparse and who would’ve wanted to get a taxi. I’m so glad I can drive, I helped my parents take a load of stuff to the tip, I take my daughter to meet with her friends and pick her up. It would be a nightmare without a car.

OleanderOllivander · 20/07/2020 14:07

Coffeepot Yep, I guess Smile ... I suppose it's the "no good reason" I find difficult to identify with (leaving aside the thing about men who can't drive being unmanly, though I think a lot of women do feel like that even if they don't admit it).

Driving seems to me horribly difficult and dangerous TBH (I honestly wished my adult children just would never learn, as I haven't) and I'm amazed so many people aren't simply too afraid - also that they will somehow find the money to learn to drive, buy a car and keep it on the road, as an absolute priority. Horses for courses; I would choose where I lived to facilitate non-driving, rather than learn to drive because I lived somewhere where it was necessary.

lyralalala · 20/07/2020 14:07

I think the world would be a better, and safer, place if people who are shit at driving admitted so and didn't do it.

I find it baffling that people can openly admit to not being able to swim or ride a bit or any other skill and that's ok. Yet if people openly admit to being a shit driver they are encouraged to keep at it and practise.

There are some people who would be far better off not driving.

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