Grown men who can't drive

[madcatladyforever]

AIBU or what! Just had a row with my DS who is not talking to me because he can't drive at 40 years old. There is no good reason why not, he's done all the lessons just can't be bothered to take the test.
His wife ferries him about everywhere despite the fact she's in very poor health and shouldn't even be on the road in my opinion.
He wanted me to collect him for the weekend a 7 hour round trip and I said no, I have slipped discs and I'm on tramadol, I can't drive for 7 hours.
I don't see why we should be unpaid chauffeurs all the time and I'm not doing it any more.
Not being able to drive completely limits their lives, they can't live in a rural area which they want to do, he can only take a job there is public transport too and he can't drive to any big store out of town and pick up furniture or tools or whatever.
It is driving me mad and I said to his wife, stop ferrying him about, he needs to get his license. What happens if you have to go into hospital - who is going to drive you there and back.
Now he is furious with me for "interfering" but if your mother can't say it who can.
I get the test is scary but if we never did anything because we were nervous we'd never achieve anything in our lives.

I've never learned to drive, but I've been an inconvenience to anyone. Someone used that word in one of the replies describing non drivers, which I think is ridiculous. Most people are able to use public transport and walk. There are a lot of people who drive literally everywhere, I know lots of people who do this! If he isn't keen on taking his test, maybe there is a reason. Maybe he just doesn't want to!! Ffs leave him alone and let him live his life the way he wants, it's just a car!!

Ah but what you don't realise is that according to the self appointed non-driver managers on here we non drivers don't realise that our driver friends have to think for us and plan their entire lives around the fact we don't drive. They have to consider us in everything they do, even if we've never asked them to. They take it upon themselves to plan things around our lack of driving/a car, regardless of if we actually want or need that.
They actually have to think for us because a lack of driving license apparently means we are unable to do so. They offer the lifts because they need to make sure we're being thought for and directed at all times in case, I don't know, the world implodes or something.
It's not good enough to say you don't ask to be 'ferried about' and just get on with your life, perfectly well without the need to be 'managed' by someone else, you just don't realise you do. That then justifies their stance that some people in their lives are cheeky buggers who happen to not hold a driving license, therefore any one without one needs to be managed accordingly, because they must be the same.
If you disagree you're being defensive or just don't realise.
All hail the non driver managers that make sure we can live our best lives.
Or they could just fuck off and stop interfering and loading themselves up with all this crap and let people who don't drive sort themselves out.

Now this is an interesting one. I’m always surprised by how many adults can’t swim. Bus drivers, train drivers and cabbies can all drive for you - no one can swim for you. You can get a train to the marina if you want to go on a boat trip, but if you fall over the side and can’t swim, someone will have to rescue you even if you drove there. No one ever falls behind the wheel of a car and suddenly has to drive to safe their life - yet somehow not being able to drive carries a far worse stigma.

I have come across cases where someone has fallen ill at the wheel and the remaining occupants of the car have had to take over. OK I can't say it's an everyday occurrence, but no more unusual than say kidnapping or whatever other reasons have been touted for learning to drive. As for swimming - plenty of swimmers drown. You're better off just making sure you've got a life jacket on, whether you can swim or not.

It's called choice, just as you have the right to choose!

Not essential to drive is it? If you live in a city a car can be an unnecessary liability. However, if you can't drive and expect ferrying around by those who drive, that's unacceptable. Just tell him to use public transport or taxis at his own expense.

My criteria when internet dating included the following: Must be able to drive Must be able to swim Shouldn’t still live with parents

Not living with parents is a little unfair given the cost of housing, though it depends on age, but I would add "must be able to ride a bike".

Not convinced by the whole "drivers don't have to plan around non-drivers thing". If a group of friends arranged a lunch at a pub in the countryside (too far for a reasonable taxi fare), a non-driver would be annoyed if it wasn't accessible by public transport and/or the drivers didn't offer them a lift. Non-drivers do expect to be planned for and consideration taken of them.

It’s karma for doing something horrible that you would have hated to be done to you!
If you got into a proper relationship with him and he did the same thing again would you not be utterly devastated that someone could treat you so badly? If so then why did you think it was ok for his wife to suffer like that?!

Oops wrong thread haha

If a group of friends arranged a lunch at a pub in the countryside (too far for a reasonable taxi fare), a non-driver would be annoyed if it wasn't accessible by public transport and/or the drivers didn't offer them a lift.

I wouldn't, they don't owe me anything...location wise or lifts.I also have a built in excuse with DD (especially if it's not at a time/day OH would be home) so no one has to feel bad about it or know it's about the location. Not that it has happened so far, I mostly use it when I'm uncomfortable with the outing for whatever reason(normally work outings) or simply I don't want to go.

What a complete nonsense nobody has to learn to drive I chose not to, I don’t expect anyone to take me anywhere, my job takes me all over Kent never failed to get anywhere on time. On the whole it saves me money, it’s better for the planet to use public transport and I don’t think that OP should expect her son to have learnt to drive to help her move ( he can still help her move but just not be a driver). I am a grown adult who does not drive and is proud of it.

@cologne4711 as a non driver I wouldn't be annoyed at all. I'd just say sorry, I can't make it. No big deal.

"Non-drivers do expect to be planned for and consideration taken of them."

Can we add mind reading to the never ending list of talents all these clever, resourceful, mature drivers have?

If a group of friends arranged a lunch at a pub in the countryside (too far for a reasonable taxi fare), a non-driver would be annoyed if it wasn't accessible by public transport and/or the drivers didn't offer them a lift.

No. This just wouldn’t happen in my experience. No-one ever would arrange meeting in a pub in the countryside too far away from public transport, because none of us have a car. It’s not a matter of drivers and non-drivers.

@cologne4711

My criteria when internet dating included the following: Must be able to drive Must be able to swim Shouldn’t still live with parents

Not living with parents is a little unfair given the cost of housing, though it depends on age, but I would add "must be able to ride a bike".

Not convinced by the whole "drivers don't have to plan around non-drivers thing". If a group of friends arranged a lunch at a pub in the countryside (too far for a reasonable taxi fare), a non-driver would be annoyed if it wasn't accessible by public transport and/or the drivers didn't offer them a lift. Non-drivers do expect to be planned for and consideration taken of them.

In my experience meeting in a pub, irrespective of whether people drive or not,would require a car share as inevitably someone would want a drink. So arranging to meet in an out of the way pub for lunch would be expecting someone to be the designated driver.

In my experience whether someone can drive (and has access to a car) is largely irrelevant in the situation you painted as there would be a car share anyway, or a less out of the way location chosen.

My grand son in law doesn’t drive just have to accept it. My big prob is all my friends capable of driving but if I hear “ oh I don’t drive at night “ I’m going to scream. Same people drive in dead of winter but when it comes to a night out , they need driven there n back.... all non drinkers by the way and not even a hint of a blush. Just expectation.

@Chanjer

Anyone who can't drive needs to have a word with themselves tbh

What a stupid comment! Not very educated person if they are this ignorant to not realise there's a whole load of medical reasons why someone can't drive.

All the folk who are also saying they wouldn't have dated someone who couldn't drive.... Good luck with that 👍. Just because your partner can drive just now doesn't mean they will be able to in 10 or 20 years.

Just had a row with my DS who is not talking to me because he can't drive at 40 years old

That's not why he's not talking to you, though, is it? Why do you deliberately misrepresent the situation in the first line?

Now he is furious with me for "interfering" but if your mother can't say it who can.

He's forty years old. It's just as pathetic for you to tell him how to live his life as it is for him to ask you to chauffer him around. Mind your own business and ignore him when he asks you to mummy him. You refer to him in the thread title as a grown man but that's obviously not how you see him, and claiming that his mother has some special right to tell him how to act shows that you want to treat him like a child.

There is no doubt that having your own personal transport is one of the most selfish things that has become embedded in rich societies.

Despite what many might think on here, the vast vast majority of the world do not have their own personal transport and in our society we have it for convenience and accept that we permit a level of enhanced environmental damage to give those that can afford it the ability to get in a car and go somewhere even when it is in walking distance or there is communal transport available.

It's not as convenient being a non driver as a driver, but you certainly don't need to rely on drivers to resolve your transport needs and if you budget the cost of driving into public transport and taxis you will be better off and actually think about using transport.

One of the main reasons that there is no proper public transport options in rural areas is the diversion of resources into providing car centric facilities in society.

It OK saying that I need a car to get to get kids to school but why are the schools so far away from where kids live, or why are workplaces out of town with no transport links. At least out of town shopping centres are going the way they should have gone years ago.
Those saying someone sharing your car when you drive is selfish should maybe realise that one of the most selfish things you see every day is one person occupied cars driving past good public transport options because, God forbid, they might have to wait 20 minutes for a bus or get a bit cold.

But asking someone to drive 7 hours for you is taking the piss, but like PP have said this is a piss taking personality and not exclusive to being a non driver.

So not UR to not drive but UR to be a piss taker about it.

^^ great post

By the by is anyone else reading this thread title in Brittany Murphy's voice from Clueless...

"You're a virgin who can't drive"

Agree with Totalpeas, its a total turnoff for me if a man can't drive. I accept this is sexist but I can't help it. It's just so unmasculine. One of my friends made her husband learn to drive when she was pregnant. He just let her ferry him about for years. So lazy. (and feeble)

It's just so unmasculine.

Do they hand out penises only when you produce a drivers licence?

If a group of friends arranged a lunch at a pub in the countryside (too far for a reasonable taxi fare), a non-driver would be annoyed if it wasn't accessible by public transport and/or the drivers didn't offer them a lift. Non-drivers do expect to be planned for and consideration taken of them.

No more annoyed than if they arranged it while I was at work, or couldn't get childcare, or if I couldn't afford it, which isn't at all. Life happens. I haven't died, and nor to my knowledge has anyone else by me not attending an event because of any of the reasons above.
Do you feel the need to plan for others in those eventualities too? Should they change their lives in case you should want to meet them on a day they're at work, or can't get childcare? Should any shift working friends quit so they can be available on a day you want them to be?

Can't get somewhere? Don't go, at work when it's arranged? Don't go, can't afford it? Don't go.

Stop trying to arrange other people's lives around your own assumptions.

Agree with Totalpeas, its a total turnoff for me if a man can't drive

I agree too, I’d never date a man that couldn’t drive.

I wonder if the "being unable to drive is so unmasculine" brigade just really long for a big macho manly masculine driver man to drive them around so that they don't have to do it themselves and they can sit in the passenger seat looking glamorous while Mr Testosterone looks after them. 🤔

(Imagine a man coming on here and saying women drivers are so unfeminine...)

If a group of friends arranged a lunch at a pub in the countryside (too far for a reasonable taxi fare), a non-driver would be annoyed if it wasn't accessible by public transport and/or the drivers didn't offer them a lift. Non-drivers do expect to be planned for and consideration taken of them.

Am I missing something about friendship? Don’t friends generally take one another’s circumstances and feelings into consideration, given these are people you supposedly like and actively choose to spend time with?

I can’t imagine deliberately arranging an activity for a group of friends that would make life difficult for one of them. Surely if you were desperate to go to this very particular country pub you would either suggest the outing to people who do all drive instead, or - shock horror - do something nice to include a friend and actually offer them a lift?

I have a friend who hates spicy food - therefore I don’t suggest we go for an Indian. That same friend probably wouldn’t suggest an all you can eat barbecue restaurant given I'm vegetarian. It’s simple consideration for people you care about. Apparently this simply couldn’t happen in your world. You’d either go to the country pub and sit seething that you’d had to give some ‘CF’ a lift - even though you organised the outing knowing that was the only way they could attend - or you’d go to a city centre pub and sit seething there because it’s not an inaccessible country pub, all because that selfish bitch Carol hasn’t got a car.

That’s all before we consider that, if going to a pub, most people would try to take as few cars as possible anyway?