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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grown men who can't drive

925 replies

madcatladyforever · 20/07/2020 11:51

AIBU or what! Just had a row with my DS who is not talking to me because he can't drive at 40 years old. There is no good reason why not, he's done all the lessons just can't be bothered to take the test.
His wife ferries him about everywhere despite the fact she's in very poor health and shouldn't even be on the road in my opinion.
He wanted me to collect him for the weekend a 7 hour round trip and I said no, I have slipped discs and I'm on tramadol, I can't drive for 7 hours.
I don't see why we should be unpaid chauffeurs all the time and I'm not doing it any more.
Not being able to drive completely limits their lives, they can't live in a rural area which they want to do, he can only take a job there is public transport too and he can't drive to any big store out of town and pick up furniture or tools or whatever.
It is driving me mad and I said to his wife, stop ferrying him about, he needs to get his license. What happens if you have to go into hospital - who is going to drive you there and back.
Now he is furious with me for "interfering" but if your mother can't say it who can.
I get the test is scary but if we never did anything because we were nervous we'd never achieve anything in our lives.

OP posts:
ProfessionalWeirdo · 21/07/2020 18:37

My mum never learned to drive, and consequently my dad had to ferry her everywhere.

Some years ago I had foot surgery, and couldn't drive whilst my foot was in plaster. DH, DS1 and DS2 were all able and willing to drive me anywhere I needed to go, but all the time I was aware that I was taking up their time and preventing them from doing something else.

That was the point at which I realised why my dad was so keen that I should learn to drive as soon as I was old enough: the household needed an additional driver. I also realised just how much I value my independence - something which I wouldn't have if I didn't drive.

Elai1978 · 21/07/2020 18:38

@ladyflumpalot the 17s on my Civic are about £130 fitted and rears on my M3 about £250.

cherish123 · 21/07/2020 18:44

I guess it's specific to the individual. I learnt at 17 and in my 40s and couldn't imagine not driving. I think it gives you a freedom and independence. However, I live in the countryside. If you live in the town, it's easier as you can walk or use public transport. I must admit, I think it's quite odd when adults don't drive.

Aloux · 21/07/2020 18:57

I'm a grown woman who can't drive, because ive chosen not too.
it's actually not a necessity to have a car for me I don't need one. If people stop giving him lifts then he might want to drive, but it's his life and choices .

SurroundedByIdiotsEverywhere · 21/07/2020 18:58

YANBU but it should be adults in your main title, not Men, I would say more Women don't drive in this sort of situation!

But being honest, if you are taken everywhere by others then why would he bother,? You've both coddled him, which you are now trying to change!

Middersweekly · 21/07/2020 19:06

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not being able to drive. Lessons cost money, cars cost money to buy and maintain then there’s insurance etc. Some people simply cannot afford it and/or don’t have anyone who can teach them. Most non-drivers I know have a scooter or bicycle to get about and use public transport. It’s the fact your DS feels entitled to lifts everywhere that’s the problem. I had DH teach me to drive because we simply couldn’t have afforded it any other way. I passed my test first time at age 23! Can your DS not ask his partner to teach him?

Fwaltz · 21/07/2020 19:16

My criteria when internet dating included the following:
Must be able to drive
Must be able to swim
Shouldn’t still live with parents

I think those are all things that make you have a fighting chance of being an adult! Your son needs to get a grip and stop being dependent on people for transport.

playthegame · 21/07/2020 19:16

My DH doesn’t drive. Has never needed to. We live in a big town with excellent public transport.
He also does not expect me to ferry him around all the time. He is always quite shocked (and grateful) when I offer him a lift somewhere.

I don’t think all non drivers are expectant of lifts everywhere.

FelicisNox · 21/07/2020 19:33

Not only are you not being unreasonable but a big well done you!

Your son is selfish and he needs to be told that he is putting a strain on others.

If he doesn't want to drive (it's not for everyone) then fine but he has no right to expect others to run around after him, especially when those others are in poor health.

Your points are entirely valid and I'm glad you've stopped enabling him. It's time for him to grow up and start taking responsibility for himself.... he also needs to think of his wife if she is that poorly.

I'm sure many will say: he's a grown man, it's his choice, mind your own business. Well I've no time for that spineless rhetoric. There's a time and place for minding your own and there's a time for speaking your mind and this was it.

Bravo.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 21/07/2020 19:39

Must be able to swim

Now this is an interesting one. I’m always surprised by how many adults can’t swim. Bus drivers, train drivers and cabbies can all drive for you - no one can swim for you. You can get a train to the marina if you want to go on a boat trip, but if you fall over the side and can’t swim, someone will have to rescue you even if you drove there. No one ever falls behind the wheel of a car and suddenly has to drive to safe their life - yet somehow not being able to drive carries a far worse stigma.

Page28 · 21/07/2020 19:42

Commenting as someone who lives with a partner who's in his early 40's and doesn't drive, I can fully understand this post.
My partner actually passed his driving test (many years ago, way before I met him!) but he lived a typical 'lad' life and didn't bother sending off the paperwork so his licence expired and he has never bothered to take his test since.
I'm not going to lie, it has been very frustrating for me and us as a family so I can understand everything you're saying.
It has been like this for the past 14.5years for me and I'm used to driving everywhere and always being the driver, I think if we had the money then I'd get my partner to have lessons and pass again but unfortunately aren't in the financial position for that to happen.
If your son can afford to pass his test, then I think he should do it for the sake of his wife's health (and yours too, if he's expecting you to taxi him around!) as well as for himself.
I don't think you're being unreasonable, I totally get it. (from one very fed up personal taxi service driver! 😅)

expatinspain · 21/07/2020 19:43

I don’t drive and I’m a grown woman of 41. I walk or take trains or buses. I went straight from boarding school to living and going to uni in central London. Lived in zone 1 for 12 years and then another 6 years in zone 2. I didn’t need a car, so what would have been the point of learning to drive. It’s something I’m considering now as I live in Spain and the public transport is more limited than London for longer journeys (fine to get about in my town), but up until now it literally hasn’t been necessary.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 21/07/2020 19:44

I'm sure many will say: he's a grown man, it's his choice, mind your own business. Well I've no time for that spineless rhetoric. There's a time and place for minding your own and there's a time for speaking your mind and this was it. Bravo.

‘Spineless rhetoric’? Don’t make me laugh. The OP has had over 20 years to voice her opinion on this. Instead, she’s carried on giving lifts. Only now, when she wants to be ‘ferried about’ (why is it ALWAYS ‘ferried about’ on MN?) does she speak up, and then act surprised when she’s told to keep her opinions to herself? ‘Bravo’? Forgive me if I don’t join you in three cheers.

user1490954378 · 21/07/2020 19:50

I've never learned to drive, but I've been an inconvenience to anyone. Someone used that word in one of the replies describing non drivers, which I think is ridiculous. Most people are able to use public transport and walk. There are a lot of people who drive literally everywhere, I know lots of people who do this! If he isn't keen on taking his test, maybe there is a reason. Maybe he just doesn't want to!! Ffs leave him alone and let him live his life the way he wants, it's just a car!!

LadyEloise · 21/07/2020 19:52

I have such admiration for my colleague who at the age of 50 approximately learned to drive because she had a very difficult commute by public transport to her new job, which she needed, after being made redundant.

DeeTractor · 21/07/2020 19:53

"I'm sure many will say: he's a grown man, it's his choice, mind your own business. Well I've no time for that spineless rhetoric. There's a time and place for minding your own and there's a time for speaking your mind and this was it."

"Spineless rhetoric" 🤣 how dramatic.

No, the time was 20 odd years ago if it was so important to the OP that her son should drive. As already pointed out it's only now a problem when she wants something from him.

PrincessBuggerPants · 21/07/2020 19:54

My mother's endless fury that I didn't pass my driving test until I was 24 is one of the reasons I still have issues with driving now OP.

It is my responsibility ultimately, but working through her inappropriate level of involvement made the whole thing take longer.

I'm still not as enthusiastic a driver as she would like Wink

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 21/07/2020 19:54

Now this is an interesting one. I’m always surprised by how many adults can’t swim.

Yay! I'm half an adult! I can definitely swim, in various bodies of water too.

Annabanana1234 · 21/07/2020 20:01

I’m in my mid 30’s and can’t drive. I have 2 dc and a dp who can drive. It’s definitely something I want to do but it’s so expensive!

I’ve never expected my mum to run around after me though or my partner for that matter!

murakamilove · 21/07/2020 20:10

I agree, but I don’t care what gender people are - if you don’t drive YOU need to arrange transport rather than rely on good will!

DanceItOut · 21/07/2020 20:16

It’s not unreasonable to not learn to drive. It is unreasonable to expect someone else to drive you around though. If you don’t learn to drive (unless there is a medical reason for it) then that is a choice and yes it limits life but if they are fine with that then that’s fine. However they then shouldn’t be expecting others to ferry them around.

GinDaddyRedux · 21/07/2020 20:21

@murakamilove

I agree, but I don’t care what gender people are - if you don’t drive YOU need to arrange transport rather than rely on good will!
Maybe those who offer "good will" shouldn't offer it so bitterly, or as some sort of "CF'er hunting device".

I offer lifts all the time. I don't need my mates to prove to me they can arrange other forms of transport.

Some really tight miserable people in this thread

MyWitzEnd · 21/07/2020 20:27

Lazzzzzy

tenlittlecygnets · 21/07/2020 20:34

@mytearsareonfire - for heaven's sake, this thread is not about you! It's not about people who have physical conditions that mean they are unsafe to drive!

It's about entitled twits who don't drive because they can't be arsed to, yet expect lifts. Like op's son.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 21/07/2020 20:36

Can we go back to swimming?Grin

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