Grown men who can't drive

[madcatladyforever]

AIBU or what! Just had a row with my DS who is not talking to me because he can't drive at 40 years old. There is no good reason why not, he's done all the lessons just can't be bothered to take the test.
His wife ferries him about everywhere despite the fact she's in very poor health and shouldn't even be on the road in my opinion.
He wanted me to collect him for the weekend a 7 hour round trip and I said no, I have slipped discs and I'm on tramadol, I can't drive for 7 hours.
I don't see why we should be unpaid chauffeurs all the time and I'm not doing it any more.
Not being able to drive completely limits their lives, they can't live in a rural area which they want to do, he can only take a job there is public transport too and he can't drive to any big store out of town and pick up furniture or tools or whatever.
It is driving me mad and I said to his wife, stop ferrying him about, he needs to get his license. What happens if you have to go into hospital - who is going to drive you there and back.
Now he is furious with me for "interfering" but if your mother can't say it who can.
I get the test is scary but if we never did anything because we were nervous we'd never achieve anything in our lives.

"Imagine having a car on your drive which only your partner can drive, they have gone to work on the train, you need to get somewhere but you have to wait until they come home from work"

Yes, everyone that can't drive sit gazing forlornly out the window at the cars hoping that some kind samaritan driver will notice them and offer them the salvation of a lift to Tescos. They never leave the house otherwise, poor souls.

People who can't drive AND live on their own must be fucked. 🙄

Have you not heard of RAC/AA breakdown service, and don't they have garages/mechanics where you live?

I've got breakdown cover. Nearest garage is 10 miles away. Unfortunately I've yet to find cover that involves someone instantaneously teleporting to me and then pointing a sonic screwdriver at the car and shouting 'fixed it!' Anything that cannot be patched at the roadside can mean the car off the road for 24 hours +. In the meantime, I need to drive to work and drive to check on my horse. Thus, even with breakdown cover and a mechanic, a breakdown, or even just fixing regular wear and tear, causes several logistical problems.

I can factor this in and have back-up plans, but having a car is not all easy and is not always about freedom - it's a different set of dependencies.

If they're drinking they wouldn't be able to drive anyway...?

Ever heard of a designated driver? (something which my non-driving mates will never be).

@DeeTractor the difference is if you’re on your own you wouldn’t have a car on the drive, if you’re in a relationship, one drives and the other one doesn’t, you are more reliant on the driver, there are certain places you can’t get to without a car.

No definitely not being conned. The thread is very low and I have done a lot of driving since last MOT . I went because there is a puncture and that is when the guy mentioned the other tyres. The tyres on my car I quite large so definitely not £50 !

[quote Alex50]@blurpityblurp I never said hubby I said partner, male or female, you made patriarchal.

What if you have an abusive partner and children, packing up the car with children is a life saver.[/quote]
How far are you willing to go?

What if there's an alien invasion and you need to run away in your car?

What if there's a zombie apocalypse but people that have driving licences are immune?

What if someone drags your child in a car and you can't follow because you're on foot?

Let's turn it around.

What if the car spontaneously combusts ? That seems a common occurrence on the leaving your child in the car threads.

" the difference is if you’re on your own you wouldn’t have a car on the drive, if you’re in a relationship, one drives and the other one doesn’t, you are more reliant on the driver, there are certain places you can’t get to without a car"

So it's the existence of a car that stops the non driver making their own way somewhere? If a car was there, even if they can't use it, they're rendered incapable of using any other transport until their chauffeur returns?

"Ever heard of a designated driver? (something which my non-driving mates will never be)."

What if none of you want to do it though? Do you draw straws? Someone is still possibly being put out to drive others around. (I know the answer to this will be "we all take a turn!!!". You can take a taxi as well. 🤷‍♀️)

I went because there is a puncture and that is when the guy mentioned the other tyres. The tyres on my car I quite large so definitely not £50 !

Punctures are often a sign that tread is low/ tyre worn. And if you buy all the tyres at once, wear should be reasonably even and they should need changing at roughly the same time. Doesn't seem to me you're being conned.

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble there’s way more abusive partners than aliens 😂 it’s not unusual at all look at the statistics on abuse on partners. So much easier to throw a couple suitcases and say 3 children in a car than to get on public transport.

What if you have an abusive partner and children, packing up the car with children is a life saver.

I don't have children, and I own a house separate from my partner. Owning a separate house or having separate money is far more important in terms of escaping abuse than having a car, but I'd never say that everyone needs a separate home just in case they end up in an abusive relationship because that's clearly not realistic for most people. And it's likely that an abuser would control access to a car. Having a car wouldn't necessarily make much difference unless you live somewhere so rural you really can't physically leave without one.

Stop playing the "what if" game. Anyone can "what if" their way to anything. If you have to invent ultra-specific hypotheticals that don't apply to most people to justify why you feel everyone should make the same life choices as you, it shows you don't have much of an argument.

Surely the abusive partner scenario is an argument for why you should live somewhere that taxis/public transport are a good option? Your partner can’t easily stop you using those, but if you’re totally reliant on cars then all the abuser would have to do is take the car keys and you’re fucked.

[quote Alex50]@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble there’s way more abusive partners than aliens 😂 it’s not unusual at all look at the statistics on abuse on partners. So much easier to throw a couple suitcases and say 3 children in a car than to get on public transport.[/quote]
And what if the abused family owns just one car, registered in the abusive partners name? How do you pack up the car and escape in s car belonging to the abuser, which they can then report stolen?

Come off it. There's some reaching going on

But surely you know what you want out of life and make your life choices accordingly? I’ll never not live in a major city. That’s a personal choice, it’s not right for everyone, but I can be reasonably confident that rural living is not in my future. Besides if someone’s life changes and they suddenly need to drive they can just learn.

Exactly! Even in the high unlikely event that I might wake up tomorrow and decide I want to swap London for a rural village or market town, I couldn’t do it that very second. I would need to find a job, a place to live, either sell or rent out my current house... surely I could start taking driving lessons while all this was going on? All the ‘But what would you do if you lived up a hill in Pembrokeshire?!’ crowd seem to think not learning to drive is some kind of irreversible decision. It’s not gender reassignment surgery for Christ’s sake - I could Google ‘driving lessons’ plus my postcode and be on the phone within seconds if I wanted to do so.

OK, so that happy city dwellers who know with absolute certainty that there is nothing, nothing at all, worth seeing anywhere other than in their city.....what happens if , dare I say it, you have friends or family who don’t live in the magical city? Do you just never visit them, unless they kindly live near a railway/bus station? What happens if they get ill and you need to get there in the middle of the night?

How many ‘happy city dwellers’ have several very close friends and relatives who live in highly inaccessible locations - enough to make this a major issue? How often would you be visiting these people even with a car? Four or five times a year? Do they never make the effort to come to you? Let’s say I’m going to go to this remote spot five times a year - I can probably handle having to book a taxi from the nearest train station in advance every couple of months.

I’m amazed at the amount of free time all these car owners have. They’re all aghast at non-drivers not being able to get to remote beaches or mountain valleys... how often are they going?! From where I live, within an hour or two, I can be in Brighton, Broadstairs, Whitstable, Lyme Regis, Southend, Eastbourne, Hastings... that’s a choice of seven off the top of my head, before you even consider holidays abroad or travelling further within the UK. I’m almost certainly going to run out of free time/annual leave before I run out of options.

there’s way more abusive partners than aliens

Sadly, that is very true. However, I have yet to meet a woman (they might exist) that have stayed with an abusive partner or were unable to leave mainly because they can't drive.

If OH suddenly turns abusive /we break up/has someone else/whatever I have plans A,B and C which mostly rely on having funds and a good support network, none of them rely on a driving licence. We can only afford one car anyways, so unless I'm stealing his, I'm not going anywhere.

...happy city dwellers who know with absolute certainty that there is nothing, nothing at all, worth seeing anywhere other than in their city.....

I know that there are lots of things worth seeing outside my town. I've seen a lot of them. I use these things called trains. I plan to see a lot more, when circumstances permit. I have a list of places I want to visit, or re-visit, by train that I probably won't reach the end of in my lifetime.

For the type of holiday I enjoy, a car would more often be an inconvenience than a benefit.

I don't drive. A big chunk of my life was in London. Another big chunk in a small town, with a railway station. I've never felt impeded. I love my independence, left home at 16, never relied on others. Bought my first house at 25. Not having a car means less possessions and costs, and awfully crowded and stressful traffic generally eating up brain power (all to satisfy the status quo?). I love travelling about on buses and trains, I travel all over, and through to Europe too. My life is engineered to suit my wants and preference, I do not need to "work around" not having a car. It is a lifestyle and state of mind. Everything I buy is delivered, apart from when I savour a proper shopping trip to the market, where I convene and socialise at my leisure. My work is always within public transport links, and should these ever fail, shock horror, there are taxi's (although cannot remember this happening more than a couple of times in my life!)
I feel sorry for people who use driving as a badge to their independence, as all I see are people who drive to limited places on crowded roads, within an insular world of carparks and schools and big supermarkets and generally low denomination, high profit activities. You drive to the coast? Great. I can get a train and read half a book on the way.
I'm organised so planning travel is easy, and it comes naturally over time anyway.

It is a pleasure, not a chore.

I've had work colleagues practically force me to take a "lift home" from them - twice this has happened (not in London obviously). On one of those occasions, after I stressed I really didn't need a lift, and then ended up accepting out of politeness (to keep refusing began to feel like I was battling her), as soon as we got on the road - in her filthy car full of fast food rubbish - she quipped, "I'd hate to have to get the bus!". So there it was.... I was just an ego boost for her to feel somehow superior! I could have laughed except I had reluctantly forfeited my routine which I happen to like, yet her mind could not grasp this concept whatsoever when I said that it works just fine for me. Her "independence" consisted of driving drove to work and back (1/4 mile) and sometimes circling the centre to find a car parking space to go to tk maxx. That seemed to be about it. She never walked anywhere, and lacked awareness about the area she even lived in. I don't want to live like that.

Another work colleague (living with parents at my age) talked to me about how "of course you've got to think about getting home". Think about it? I've got it planned in my head about five minutes after the event is confirmed! No stress. Complete independence. I don't need to shout out to the world what my travel plans will be. Yet when you don't drive, others assume their authority over the travel situations involving you because you're deemed somehow travel disabled. I end up having to make it very clear - no lift wanted, expected, or ever requested. It's a choice.

You think I miss out because I don't follow the crowd and drive around aimlessly making other people lots of money? I don't think so! I may pass my test soon, I may not. It's not at the top of my agenda.

I am not having kids.

Just another perspective for you.

What if you have an abusive partner and children, packing up the car with children is a life saver.

So having children, plural, with an abuser is just something that can happen, totally beyond your control... but not learning to drive so you can escape said abuser is unforgivably lapse?

It does seem odd that the driving defenders on here get themselves into an awful lot of scrapes that require a car for an emergency exit strategy. Meanwhile, I've spent the best part of 50 years not having to do a moonlit flit from a kidnapper.

@MilerVino

It does seem odd that the driving defenders on here get themselves into an awful lot of scrapes that require a car for an emergency exit strategy. Meanwhile, I've spent the best part of 50 years not having to do a moonlit flit from a kidnapper.

Haha yep!

The desperation of some posters is writ large in their endless justifications for car ownership.

Meanwhile, I've spent the best part of 50 years not having to do a moonlit flit from a kidnapper.

Well, if you will insist on living your boring unadventurous parochial big-city life...

You need to hang around out of town Big Tescos if you want to get kidnapped. Or possibly the Australian Outback, or a mountain in Wales; I get confused by all the different glamorous and exciting lives the driving posters live.

Perhaps I should pop down to the beach and put a sign round my neck. 'Please kidnap me. And on the way back, can we go via Tescos, I need something big that can only be moved via car, what with me not having the wit to use a shopping trolley and a bus'.

I've had work colleagues practically force me to take a "lift home" from them - twice this has happened

It is so weird when people do this. “Oh I couldn’t let you walk!” You really could, you know, I have feet and everything.

I'm trying to remember what film it was - possibly the 1997 film A Life Less Ordinary, but I'm not sure - where a man kidnaps a woman, forces her into a car and tells her to drive (possibly at gunpoint, I can't remember), and she says but I can't drive, and the guy gets really confused by this. I can't find the scene.

I'm in 20s and can't drive. Tried to learn and took my test but became so anxious I bombed it and felt like it's safer for me NOT to drive!

However, I absolutely do not expect to be ferried around! I will get public transport or a taxi as often as possible. If I'm offered a lift I will of course accept it, but I don't expect it.

@Badbadbunny

Prime example. Am just sitting waiting to have my tyre looked at at garage...the guy has just told me all my tyres need changing and will cost about£350

Are you sure you're not being conned? All 4 tyres won't suddenly need replacing at once - surely you got warnings about wear at the last MOT? And what kind of car is it? I've never paid more than £50 for a new tyre. I strongly suggest you take it elsewhere for a second opinion.

Tell that to my fecking expensive 245/40 R18 tyres. £104 each on my last change and as I drive an all wheel drive car they all need changing at the same time or it trips the drive train warning light every time I drive anywhere.