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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Grown men who can't drive

925 replies

madcatladyforever · 20/07/2020 11:51

AIBU or what! Just had a row with my DS who is not talking to me because he can't drive at 40 years old. There is no good reason why not, he's done all the lessons just can't be bothered to take the test.
His wife ferries him about everywhere despite the fact she's in very poor health and shouldn't even be on the road in my opinion.
He wanted me to collect him for the weekend a 7 hour round trip and I said no, I have slipped discs and I'm on tramadol, I can't drive for 7 hours.
I don't see why we should be unpaid chauffeurs all the time and I'm not doing it any more.
Not being able to drive completely limits their lives, they can't live in a rural area which they want to do, he can only take a job there is public transport too and he can't drive to any big store out of town and pick up furniture or tools or whatever.
It is driving me mad and I said to his wife, stop ferrying him about, he needs to get his license. What happens if you have to go into hospital - who is going to drive you there and back.
Now he is furious with me for "interfering" but if your mother can't say it who can.
I get the test is scary but if we never did anything because we were nervous we'd never achieve anything in our lives.

OP posts:
DilemmaADay · 21/07/2020 10:46

@GinDaddyRedux I mean for journeys that would be a 3 hour round trip for example, and ones that require you going significantly out your way for the non driver. Of course it it was a small journey I wouldnt expect it

Alex50 · 21/07/2020 10:50

Imagine having a car on your drive which only your partner can drive, they have gone to work on the train, you need to get somewhere but you have to wait until they come home from work. Or your daughter is stranded somewhere, she can’t find a taxi, you can jump in your car and pick her up.

GoldenOmber · 21/07/2020 10:55

Imagine having a car on your drive which only your partner can drive, they have gone to work on the train, you need to get somewhere but you have to wait until they come home from work

Why would I not just get public transport or a taxi or cycle or walk? I would never choose living anywhere that I was reliant on someone else to take me to places. And I’d say the same to my daughter!

Mintychoc1 · 21/07/2020 11:02

OK, so that happy city dwellers who know with absolute certainty that there is nothing, nothing at all, worth seeing anywhere other than in their city.....what happens if , dare I say it, you have friends or family who don’t live in the magical city? Do you just never visit them, unless they kindly live near a railway/bus station?
What happens if they get ill and you need to get there in the middle of the night?
I’ve lived in tiny villages and big cities. I’m currently in a tiny village, I like it here and I have no plans to move. My kids say they never want to live in a city. Shall I therefore not bother to teach them how to cross a busy road?

Like I say, it’s all about life skills. None of us know what lies ahead, and so the best thing we can do when we’re young is open as many doors as possible, to keep our options open.

The smugness of big city people always astounds me - I won’t learn to drive because I have everything I need right here - now that’s parochial!!

Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/07/2020 11:06

@Alex50 I don't have a partner so I don't "wait for them to get back from work" to take me places. I don't need anyone to drive me anywhere, I use public transport or my own 2 feet. It's not rocket science.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/07/2020 11:11

@Mintychoc1 I don't understand why you are so bothered about how other people choose to live. My lifestyle doesn't require a car. I don't have any family members who would rely on me to go and get them if they were ill. Anywhere I want to go to, I can get to on public transport. I don't know anyone who lives so rurally that I can't get the train to their nearest station and then get a cab from there.

I don't particularly want to spend loads of money on driving lessons "just in case."

SimonJT · 21/07/2020 11:16

@Mintychoc1 I live in London (fairly central, zone 1), I regularly go to the forest of dean to take my son to see his grandma. I have a car, I usually get the train to where I’m going then a cab to her house. It takes about three hours on the train with one change, the cab ride is about 15-20 minutes. Driving takes around four hours (if traffic is good) and that doesn’t include a break after two hours to check my blood sugar, have a wee etc. I tend to use the train (or fly) when travelling in the UK as when I get to my destination I don’t need my car and it’s often difficult to find secure parking.

Iwalkinmyclothing · 21/07/2020 11:18

Imagine having a car on your drive which only your partner can drive, they have gone to work on the train, you need to get somewhere but you have to wait until they come home from work.

Imagine being so dependant on a personal car that the only thing you can think to do in this scenario is sit around waiting for someone to drive you rather than using any other form of transport.

Or your daughter is stranded somewhere, she can’t find a taxi
And if this is the scenario and you have been drinking so cannot drive to get her, or your car is in the garage for repairs, or you are away on holiday and not available to drive to her- what would you do then? You'd look at all other ways of helping her. See if you can send her an uber, for example. You wouldn't think that just because you couldn't immediately hop in your car and drive somewhere that you were helpless, would you?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 21/07/2020 11:20

Imagine having a car on your drive which only your partner can drive, they have gone to work on the train, you need to get somewhere but you have to wait until they come home from work.

Imagine only having one car that your partner is currently using and you need to go somewhere? What would you do then? Well, you could do the same.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 21/07/2020 11:26

OK, so that happy city dwellers who know with absolute certainty that there is nothing, nothing at all, worth seeing anywhere other than in their city.....what happens if , dare I say it, you have friends or family who don’t live in the magical city? Do you just never visit them, unless they kindly live near a railway/bus station?
What happens if they get ill and you need to get there in the middle of the night?

As I've said before , I'm not a big city dweller.
I go to many places. I went to Scotland on my own with DD, went to Weymouth etc.
There's the whole of London between me and my best friend(other friends live in the same county). I visit them, sometimes they visit me, sometimes we meet in the middle. With my best friend I have actually always gone to hers.

My family lives in a different country, car or not I'm not making it there in the middle of the night. When my dad died it still took me a whole day to make it there, flights and airports are lengthy liKe that. Again,on my own with DD because OH had to work.

I can do all kinds of stuff if I want to. If anything, these types of comments show drivers as being limited not the non drivers.

Morgana7 · 21/07/2020 11:30

If there’s an emergency I can get an Uber, use one of the 5 local taxi firms, get a train, walk or there’s a bus stop outside my front door.

I like walking long distances even in the rain so I never let the fact I don’t drive stop me getting somewhere a bit more rural.

I never rely on anyone for a lift. I think the only time a family member gave me a lift last year was when I was ill. I was happy to pay for a taxi but they insisted and wouldn’t take no for an answer. Any other time I will always just get a bus or taxi.
My DP has a car and he has said that if I ever get a car he will still want to be the one driving us places as he hates being a passenger.

I don’t know why drivers care so much about non drivers. I’m sure there a few selfish ones who expect lifts everywhere, but the majority of us will be so used to getting public transport that it wouldn’t enter our minds to impose on others.

Yes, it might not be as quick for me to get to a holiday destination than if I’d just been able to drive there. I love long train or bus journeys with my headphones in listening to podcasts and music though.

If every adult in this country had a car then the traffic would be a complete nightmare and it would be awful for the environment!

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 21/07/2020 11:32

@Alex50

Imagine having a car on your drive which only your partner can drive, they have gone to work on the train, you need to get somewhere but you have to wait until they come home from work. Or your daughter is stranded somewhere, she can’t find a taxi, you can jump in your car and pick her up.
Imagine being so limited in options ,imagination and resourcefulness that unless you have a car(can't afford one, broke down, you're over the limit, incapacitated for whatever reason etc) you can't do any of those things.
GinDaddyRedux · 21/07/2020 11:32

OK, so that happy city dwellers who know with absolute certainty that there is nothing, nothing at all, worth seeing anywhere other than in their city.....

Don't try and make city dwellers seem absurd by putting words in their mouth. That's a shit form of argument.

what happens if , dare I say it, you have friends or family who don’t live in the magical city? Do you just never visit them, unless they kindly live near a railway/bus station?

Like a PP said, not everyone's parents live in the UK! Expand your vision.

What happens if they get ill and you need to get there in the middle of the night?

See above...people have different ecosystems. We don't all live in little towns somewhere where folks are a 20 minute drive across country fields etc.

LindaSchef · 21/07/2020 11:34

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Mintychoc1 · 21/07/2020 12:01

I’m not fussed about whether people narrow their horizons or not. I’m just justifying the view of the people who said they wouldn’t date a non driver (unless there was a medical reason for it).
Choosing not to learn to drive for no medical or financial reason is just a bit pathetic really.
But each to their own !

blurpityblurp · 21/07/2020 12:11

OK, so that happy city dwellers who know with absolute certainty that there is nothing, nothing at all, worth seeing anywhere other than in their city

Who has said that? Many city-dwellers on this thread have travelled widely, and credit the fact that knowing how to navigate public transport systems gives you the confidence and skills to be able to travel off the beaten track. I've travelled across central and eastern Europe and many parts of the Middle East and Asia, getting around by bus and train. Driving doesn't give you those skills, and someone who'd always been car-dependent would likely struggle.

Imagine having a car on your drive which only your partner can drive, they have gone to work on the train, you need to get somewhere but you have to wait until they come home from work
Like where? There's a tube and train station right across the road, numerous bus stops and the buses here run 24/7. Seven supermarkets within walking distance including one on the ground floor of my apartment building. Three GP surgeries, two cinemas, two hospitals, and umpteen restaurants and cafes all within easy walking distance. There's literally nowhere I'd need to get to urgently that I can't access by walking or public transport. Genuinely, name one single hypothetical situation where I'd need to drive.

you have friends or family who don’t live in the magical city? Do you just never visit them, unless they kindly live near a railway/bus station?
No, I don't know a single person who lives rurally. I have plenty of friends who don't live in London but no one who lives somewhere so remote you can't get there by train/bus. I'd assume anyone living in a very remote area with zero public transport has a car, and if they have a car then obviously I don't need one to be able to visit them, do I?

What happens if they get ill and you need to get there in the middle of the night?
If someone gets ill in the middle of the night they should call an ambulance, their out of hours GP line, or someone who lives locally. Why would someone living rurally phone someone in London (many hours drive away) for urgent help?

None of us know what lies ahead, and so the best thing we can do when we’re young is open as many doors as possible, to keep our options open.
Most of us have a pretty good idea of what our futures will look like based on our current life/education/career choices. Do you really imagine that your life in 20 years time will be enormously different to the life you live now? I'm pretty sure that focusing on my education, my career, and building up my property and investment portfolios has given me far more "options" for my future than driving would. Besides if someone's life changes and they need to learn to drive, they can just learn. It's hardly a skill only teenagers can master!

crosseyedMary · 21/07/2020 12:12

This thread is almost as polarized and combative as a vegans vs meat eaters thread 😳

MilerVino · 21/07/2020 12:12

I do find it interesting how many of the 'driving is essential' crowd have bought into the idea that driving is about freedom and independence. The reality is that you have become dependent on your car. I didn't drive for well over a decade. During that time I always kept my horse on a yard I could get to by bike or, although time-consuming, on foot. Then I started driving again and got a car. I had to move him to another yard and found one that was ideal, but not on a public transport route, too far for me to cycle, and well outside walking distance.

Now I could wax lyrical about how freeing it is driving and how it opened up my choice of where to keep my horse, and that would be true, but only part of it. The reality is that I now need a working car to do something very simple - go and visit my horse. I've only got to trip and twist an ankle so I can't drive, and I can't go and see him but will instead have to pay the yard owner to look after him until I can drive again.

That's not independence and freedom, is it? That's dependence on a car. If the car breaks down, I'm stuffed. If my bike broke I'd fix it, use the spare bike, or walk. (I can afford a spare bike, I cannot afford a spare car). And sure if I injured myself active travel like that was also difficult - but it was much easier to find alternatives for a 4 mile round trip than it is for a 30 mile round trip.

And the car opens up more jobs - which is fortunate because running the car means I really need one of those jobs. I saved a fortune cycling everywhere rather than driving.

So be wary of buying into the narrative that driving = freedom. You're just tying yourself to a different set of responsibilities.

Badbadbunny · 21/07/2020 12:17

If the car breaks down, I'm stuffed.

Have you not heard of RAC/AA breakdown service, and don't they have garages/mechanics where you live?

HandbagDog · 21/07/2020 12:17

I think that's a very fair post, @MilerVino. There's certainly no harm in pointing out that some of the 'driving is freedom' rhetoric comes from the same capitalist/consumerist space as 'Because you're worth it!' which monetises the idea of self-esteem into buying shampoo or whatever.

blurpityblurp · 21/07/2020 12:17

Exactly. There's nowhere I can't get to, and I've travelled all over the UK and all over the world. Never needed a car.

And we're being called parochial by people who need to wait for hubby to get home before they can go to the supermarket! Grin

Grandmi · 21/07/2020 12:23

Many people do not drive because the cost of lessons,buying and running a car is way beyond what they can afford!

Grandmi · 21/07/2020 12:30

Prime example. Am just sitting waiting to have my tyre looked at at garage...the guy has just told me all my tyres need changing and will cost about£350 ! A lot of people just do not have that kind of spare cash !

Badbadbunny · 21/07/2020 12:47

Prime example. Am just sitting waiting to have my tyre looked at at garage...the guy has just told me all my tyres need changing and will cost about£350

Are you sure you're not being conned? All 4 tyres won't suddenly need replacing at once - surely you got warnings about wear at the last MOT? And what kind of car is it? I've never paid more than £50 for a new tyre. I strongly suggest you take it elsewhere for a second opinion.

Alex50 · 21/07/2020 12:52

@blurpityblurp I never said hubby I said partner, male or female, you made patriarchal.

What if you have an abusive partner and children, packing up the car with children is a life saver.

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