Grown men who can't drive

[madcatladyforever]

AIBU or what! Just had a row with my DS who is not talking to me because he can't drive at 40 years old. There is no good reason why not, he's done all the lessons just can't be bothered to take the test.
His wife ferries him about everywhere despite the fact she's in very poor health and shouldn't even be on the road in my opinion.
He wanted me to collect him for the weekend a 7 hour round trip and I said no, I have slipped discs and I'm on tramadol, I can't drive for 7 hours.
I don't see why we should be unpaid chauffeurs all the time and I'm not doing it any more.
Not being able to drive completely limits their lives, they can't live in a rural area which they want to do, he can only take a job there is public transport too and he can't drive to any big store out of town and pick up furniture or tools or whatever.
It is driving me mad and I said to his wife, stop ferrying him about, he needs to get his license. What happens if you have to go into hospital - who is going to drive you there and back.
Now he is furious with me for "interfering" but if your mother can't say it who can.
I get the test is scary but if we never did anything because we were nervous we'd never achieve anything in our lives.

Would you take a drop in earnings/jobrole to keep food on the table

No, I’m still not following you. Would I be prepared to earn less if it meant I could still earn? Under what circumstances do you picture this happening, and how would it relate to me not driving?

@evilharpy

GinDaddyRedux You seem to have a massive chip on your shoulder.

I have a lifestyle that requires driving. I've lived in London where driving wasn't required as public transport was plentiful and quicker anyway, and while I could drive then I didn't bother to have a car. But that's not the life I have now. During normal times I have to drive every day. Visiting family requires driving, visiting the supermarket requires driving, any sort of day out anywhere requires driving. I am not willing to have to do all this driving myself if there's a second, functional adult around. I'm not likely to move back to a major city. So yes, if I was looking for a potential partner I would rule out non drivers.

Why do Mumsnetters say "you have a chip on your shoulder" if someone disagrees with them?

I mean seriously.

I drive. I live semi-rural and I drive almost everywhere.

I didn't drive when I lived in global cities. So occasionally I add this perspective to counterbalance the whole "I have to drive every daaaaayyy" stuff.

No, I’m still not following you

Stop trying then

People seem to have an issue on understanding the difference between knowing how to drive and owning a car. I live in London - I could definitely get on without a car but choose to habe one.

I know plenty of people without a car but they know how to drive and will hire a car when needed.
However I went to a friends wedding early this year and I literally had about 15 people who don’t drive asking me for a life. Many who I’ve only ever met once or twice and guess what - not one of the people who did get in my car chipped on for petrol - or thought to buy me a drink etc.

Would you take a drop in earnings/jobrole to keep food on the table

Oh, you mean, would the non-driving city-dwellers be prepared to move somewhere more suburban/rural if they lost their job and could only find a new one outside a city?

Well, that depends on the person, surely? It’s not a “failure of imagination” to have a good understanding of your own career and finances and be able to make realistic predictions about your own future.

I’ve lived in London my whole life (not counting brief stints abroad) and for most of my twenties I had no money and no career. I still managed to live in or just outside London. I own two houses (rented out) which gives me financial security. I’m a freelancer, which isn’t the most stable career, but it does mean I’m not tied to a particular job or employer so I don’t have to worry about being made redundant or being transferred. I’m well aware that I’m insanely fortunate and privileged, but I really can’t imagine any situation where I would need to move to a more rural area. Even if I was less fortunate I’ve build up a pretty good CV and am willing to muck in and turn my hand to different things to earn a living (I did tutoring, copy editing and web design as day jobs when I was starting out in my own career), so even if my actual career failed I’m confident I’d still be able to find work in London.

I am one of the ‘good’ non-drivers with a medical reason for not having a license, so I’m sure people like Chanjer will backtrack at hearing that and say “oh no no, I didn’t mean YOU, I meant those people who could drive but don’t.”

But the thing is, when you say that non-drivers are useless/helpless/reliant on people to ferry them around/can’t live independently, then yes you DO mean me. You might mean that it’s okay for people like me to be useless/helpless/spending our lives waiting around for lifts from others but you’ll still think that’s how we live. Which just isn’t the case.

The OP’s son needs to get his act together, whatever his reasons are for not driving. I wouldn’t dream of asking my mum to make an hours-long round trip to take me to places.

@Chanjer

I'm loving the regular chucking around of the aspirational multimillionaire non driver

If only I'd known a driver's license would be an obstacle to a 6 figure lifestyle

I feel so deflated

Or perhaps a drivers licence has nothing to do with anyone's success in banking?

And I used the example Hermione provided as a refutation to the "you must have a driving licence to work" nonsense I was reading?

A driving licence isn't an obstacle to success. Having a narrow world vision where everyone does the same things is potentially an obstacle.

I forget that we should all be driving to some school four miles away, then off to my "in laws" to drop off the kids after school, then Vue cinema and Frankie and Benny's at the weekend, followed by a bit of Howdens because new kitchen, and then maybe a country pub.

fuck that for a laugh

and could only find a new one outside a city?

Or take a job locally that required a license

I just thought it was funny that in the early pages people were being berated for being so entitled to think that most anyone could learn to drive and then by page 20 odd we're at "need a license? Ugh do you think I want to be a DPD driver?

I just thought it's funny to see the argument come right around, plus I'm kinda offended. Most DPD drivers don't want to be DPD drivers ime

I forget that we should all be driving to some school four miles away, then off to my "in laws" to drop off the kids after school, then Vue cinema and Frankie and Benny's at the weekend, followed by a bit of Howdens because new kitchen, and then maybe a country pub.*

Sounds horrific tbf

I agree with you fully OP, but definitely more for all adults rather than specifically men only.

If someone doesnt want to drive and arranges public transport to suit them, I dont mind at all. It's when it crosses into inconveniencing others where it's a pain. I don't know if it's just me, but I always find the non-drivers are the ones that never seem to offer petrol money when you give them lifts as well ....

I am one of the ‘good’ non-drivers with a medical reason for not having a license, so I’m sure people like Chanjer will backtrack at hearing that and say “oh no no, I didn’t mean YOU, I meant those people who could drive but don’t

You're correct, I obviously didn't think people reading would be stupid enough to think that "anyone" meant people with legal medical exemption. Fuck it even blind people should be driving. And children

*Just out of interest non driving types

Have you ever implied you'd do X for Y rather than rely on charity/handouts/benefits?*
I've claimed benefits before when I was made redundant, I would of done the same even if I'd been able to drive

@DilemmaADay

I give lifts all the time as I don't drink. I never ask for petrol money or would ever expect it. Would be aghast if someone offered unless a super long journey.

My friends and I tend to work with an assumed reciprocity on such things, not had offence taken or a problem so far.

/facepalm

On the converse side - relying on being able to drive can shoot you in the foot.

I live in a VERY rural village with no public transport. Houses are pricey and mostly owned by retired people. No problem whilst they are still fairly active, but it only takes one medical problem that removes their driving licence and they are stuck.

My friend (not elderly or retired) broke her arm and couldn't drive for six weeks and is now planning to move back closer to town. Never take being able to drive for granted and plan your life accordingly.

My partner doesn't drive and it's a PITA

blurpityblurp
Well, I can’t imagine that the drivers you’re meeting are wealthy and well-travelled New York bankers either. I personally wouldn’t date anyone who didn’t live in a major city. We all have our preferences meow! And you think that about me because? I agree we all have our preferences that’s my point, I wouldn’t choose a non driver, just like I wouldn’t pick a vegetarian...no one has to justify why.

@Chanjer

I am one of the ‘good’ non-drivers with a medical reason for not having a license, so I’m sure people like Chanjer will backtrack at hearing that and say “oh no no, I didn’t mean YOU, I meant those people who could drive but don’t

You're correct, I obviously didn't think people reading would be stupid enough to think that "anyone" meant people with legal medical exemption. Fuck it even blind people should be driving. And children

I will try to explain again, perhaps in smaller words.

Non-drivers who have medical reasons for not driving are not helpless charity cases who rely on lifts from others. We can live perfectly normal independent adult lives.

Now, either you think that’s true or you don’t.

If you think it’s not true, then you think people like me are helpless charity cases who need lifts from you everywhere, but you’re prepared to allow that from us because we can’t help it. In which case,

Or you think it IS true, and people like me can get around and function perfectly well all by ourselves even though we can’t drive. In which case, you need to accept that people who choose not to drive can also get around and live perfectly well by themselves.

What about people who've lived their entire lives in poverty then @Chanjer? I suppose we should get a car too? DH doesn't have a legal medical exemption as such (only constant pain; he had surgery on his legs & uses a stick) but getting a car would sink us financially. We barely afford to pay the rent, as it is.

Or do we have to wait until his joints inevitably completely wear out & he needs replacements before we are deemed worthy?

@SisyphusAndTheRockOfUntidiness

Sorry to hear of these things that must be horrendous for him.

No, people like yourself don't exist in certain person's universes. You're just CF'ers waiting to cadge a lift, or adults that failed to grow up.

It's not something that just applies to men! I had a friend who didn't drive and was an absolute menace for cadging lifts. I've also seen an awful lot of older women who have never driven and are left stranded with a perfectly good car when their partner dies. I think it's an essential life skill for everyone who is physically capable of driving.

Or take a job locally that required a license

I know my own life, and the chance of me ever being in a position where my only employment option required driving is so remote as to be completely implausible. A requirement to speak Chinese would be more likely but I'm not learning Mandarin just in case. Besides, most adults have at least some choice over their future. Okay some people have fewer choices than others (depending on qualifications and career history) but you factor in your own individual circumstances when considering your future.

Most DPD drivers don't want to be DPD drivers ime grin
I'm not being a snob about delivery drivers - I've been poor and done some really shit jobs in my life. But it all goes back to individuals having different options depending on their circumstances. Even if I lost everything and had to take a 'pay the bills' job asap I'm confident I could still find one that was a) in London and b) didn't involve driving. That's my life and my circumstances. Other people are different.

TBH I don’t think I’d be interested in dating a New York banker whatever his driving status, but maybe he’d come in handy rescuing me from all those Australian kidnappers

What about people who've lived their entire lives in poverty then @Chanjer? I suppose we should get a car too?

I don't own a car as I've said repeatedly throughout the thread

The issue is not car ownership

OnlyFoolsnMothers I wasn't being bitchy. If you don't live in New York (I assume most/all of us don't) then you're not likely to spend enough time with high powered Manhattanites to be able to develop a relationship.

It's just statistics. Cities spend far more money on public transport than anywhere else because population density requires it, and there's huge inequality in terms of rural areas being neglected when it comes to public spending. Therefore it's much harder to be a non-driver outside of major cities. And unfortunately most 'top jobs' do tend to be clustered in major cities. So it's only logical that non-drivers living in more rural areas are unlikely to be secret bankers or whatever.

It's not fair, and it's a huge source of economic disparity. A major concern in my industry is where the next generation of talent will come from, and the fear that the industry will become completely dominated by upper middle class people, because so many young people lack access to industry opportunities due to not living in London. If I hadn't grown up in London and then inherited a house here, I wouldn't be doing the career I do, or be with the partner I'm with. So I'm not saying any of this to be judgy or snobby, because I know that I'm privileged. Just that a non-driver living in Manhattan is very different from a non-driver living in Mansfield.