Grown men who can't drive

[madcatladyforever]

AIBU or what! Just had a row with my DS who is not talking to me because he can't drive at 40 years old. There is no good reason why not, he's done all the lessons just can't be bothered to take the test.
His wife ferries him about everywhere despite the fact she's in very poor health and shouldn't even be on the road in my opinion.
He wanted me to collect him for the weekend a 7 hour round trip and I said no, I have slipped discs and I'm on tramadol, I can't drive for 7 hours.
I don't see why we should be unpaid chauffeurs all the time and I'm not doing it any more.
Not being able to drive completely limits their lives, they can't live in a rural area which they want to do, he can only take a job there is public transport too and he can't drive to any big store out of town and pick up furniture or tools or whatever.
It is driving me mad and I said to his wife, stop ferrying him about, he needs to get his license. What happens if you have to go into hospital - who is going to drive you there and back.
Now he is furious with me for "interfering" but if your mother can't say it who can.
I get the test is scary but if we never did anything because we were nervous we'd never achieve anything in our lives.

@GinDaddyRedux It’s hilarious, isn’t it? He’s gorgeous too. The whole package. But Deirdre from Milton Keynes wouldn’t date him as he doesn’t have a driving licence. I’ll have to tell him, he’ll be gutted 😂.

"Six figure bankers" from "NYC" or from London can also be extremely parochial. In fact some of the most parochial people I've met are middle class born and bred Londoners.

@Graciebobcat

Well, thanks for that. Indeed that can be true.

The point however that HermioneMakepeace I felt made so well, is that people don't all make the same choices.

If you live in NYC, or Hong Kong, or Tokyo, or Kuala Lumpur, or any of the cities I've mentioned that I've lived in, you're living a completely different life to someone who needs their car to commute to a business park 4 miles out of town from where they live, then go do the school run and take their DD to football practice.

Can we not accept people are all different and that Hermoine's example is a man who doesn't even need driving to come into his thinking, who is living a successful and independent life as it is?

I think also our little bit of humour above is in response to the "I would never ever date anyone who didn't drive" stuff that is stated every twelfth post on here.

It seems rather limiting is all. Hermione's example is perhaps a great gorgeous chap who would be amazing fun and has made a success of himself, but nope, he can't drive so forget any of his other qualities..

Which brings me to the other thing. For all those on here moaning that your DH doesn't drive... what else does he do to make the family unit work? Why do you focus on this one thing, when the whole point of a couple (aside from love and other obv stuff) is to bring together your skills and contribute different things?

Mumsnetters are so preoccupied about perceived advantages, they're even looking at labelling their DHs as being some sort of cheeky fucker, its relentless and wearing.

My ex didn't drive, wouldn't drive. I went into it with an open mind but always being the presumed driver aka sober responsible person did become grating over time. As soon as he told me that he had no intention of learning because I would apparently "cash in" my designated driver points and he wouldn't be able to have a drink when we go out - I was done really. I also have a friend who cannot drive for a medical reason and she is an absolute sweetheart, never imposes and I will gladly give her a lift.

Hermione's example is perhaps a great gorgeous chap who would be amazing fun and has made a success of himself, but nope, he can't drive so forget any of his other qualities
Funny enough any man I’ve met who hasn’t learnt to drive, aren’t on the majority hugely successful gorgeous bankers, they tend to be quite nervy, unsure Individuals. It’s not attractive to me. I don’t even want to share a car with my partner, I want to be able to drive off somewhere when I like, as my DH does too.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Hermione's example is perhaps a great gorgeous chap who would be amazing fun and has made a success of himself, but nope, he can't drive so forget any of his other qualities Funny enough any man I’ve met who hasn’t learnt to drive, aren’t on the majority hugely successful gorgeous bankers, they tend to be quite nervy, unsure Individuals. It’s not attractive to me. I don’t even want to share a car with my partner, I want to be able to drive off somewhere when I like, as my DH does too.

Well that's your experience. Sorry to hear you've met these "nervy, unsure individuals", if that's not attractive to you then so be it. I'm sure there are plenty of folk who are prepared to look past their reluctance to own a massively depreciating hunk of metal with a polluting internal combustion engine.

Hermione and I are sharing our experiences, and I know plenty of nice successful people who don't drive. It's not an issue for them, or their partners, because they don't live a lifestyle that involves just driving off to a country pub, or to Screwfix, or to DC's classes, or drop-offs, or working at a business park or school.

Some of my friends work in cities, they have above-average disposable incomes, no need to do any of the things I mentioned above, could own any car they wanted within reason, but couldn't give a toss.

That's the beauty of an internet forum. Everyone in theory should be prepare to accept difference.

In reality, so many MN users think everyone, literally everyone, must surely live a 30+ minute drive from the nearest town, needs to drop off their DCs at a school that's a 40 minute walk without a car, has an elderly DP they need to ferry around, and can't get to "the shops" without one.

What if however your closest shops were Regent Street, your DCs go to a private school ten mins walk away, your elderly DPs also live in a city? Mind. BLOWN.

Some of my friends work in cities, they have above-average disposable incomes, no need to do any of the things I mentioned above, could own any car they wanted within reason, but couldn't give a toss yes I am from and live in London, and work in finance. Plenty of people don’t own cars but they all learnt to drive.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Good for them for having a dormant skillset. They should list it on any dating profile just in case concerned Mumsnetters who want to book foreign holiday with them in six years time, can be sure that the driving can be shared on the hire car and they can have their justified allocation of glasses of Merlot.

Isn't it the same as anything though? Not being drivers doesn't make people entitled cheeky fuckers... rather there are some cheeky fuckers who can't drive, same as there are cheeky fuckers in every walk of life.

There is a woman on our village who can't drive and is constantly asking for lifts... but she's constantly asking for everything. It's not limited to her inability to drive.

It's early and my words aren't working so I hope the above makes some semblance of sense.

Funny enough any man I’ve met who hasn’t learnt to drive, aren’t on the majority hugely successful gorgeous bankers, they tend to be quite nervy, unsure Individuals.

Well, I can’t imagine that the drivers you’re meeting are wealthy and well-travelled New York bankers either. I personally wouldn’t date anyone who didn’t live in a major city. We all have our preferences.

OP I think you're doing the right thing. Put yourself first. He can get a taxi.

GinDaddyRedux You seem to have a massive chip on your shoulder.

I have a lifestyle that requires driving. I've lived in London where driving wasn't required as public transport was plentiful and quicker anyway, and while I could drive then I didn't bother to have a car. But that's not the life I have now. During normal times I have to drive every day. Visiting family requires driving, visiting the supermarket requires driving, any sort of day out anywhere requires driving. I am not willing to have to do all this driving myself if there's a second, functional adult around. I'm not likely to move back to a major city. So yes, if I was looking for a potential partner I would rule out non drivers.

I think unless medical reasons or finances prevent it, everyone should learn to drive, or at least have a go. It’s a life skill.

Even if you live somewhere where driving isn’t needed (the eligible NYC banker!), you don’t know that you’ll always live there.
I have a dishwasher, and I hope I always will, but it’s still useful to know how to wash up by hand, just in case! Same with my washing machine.
There’s something inherently unattractive about someone who chooses not to learn common life skills, dismissing them at a young age as “unnecessary “, and therefore limiting their options in life.

I dont really understand posters who speak so disparagingly at times about ‘mumsnetters’

When they are actually a mumsnetter

I'm loving the regular chucking around of the aspirational multimillionaire non driver

If only I'd known a driver's license would be an obstacle to a 6 figure lifestyle

I feel so deflated

Even if you live somewhere where driving isn’t needed (the eligible NYC banker!), you don’t know that you’ll always live there.

But surely you know what you want out of life and make your life choices accordingly? I’ll never not live in a major city. That’s a personal choice, it’s not right for everyone, but I can be reasonably confident that rural living is not in my future.

Besides if someone’s life changes and they suddenly need to drive they can just learn. If you’re 45 but haven’t been behind the wheel of a car since you were 18 you’d need to re-learn anyway and it’s unlikely you would have retained many skills or memories. I’m worried about all the posts suggesting that once you own a licence you can just pop behind the wheel of a car easy peasy even if it’s in a foreign country and you’ve not driven in thirty years. Driving is an active skill that needs to be maintained. I certainly wouldn’t be in a car with someone who’d passed their test decades ago but not ever driven since. Far safer to learn when you actually need it.

Just out of interest non driving types

Have you ever implied you'd do X for Y rather than rely on charity/handouts/benefits?

Someone cited a "tragic failure of imagination" amongst those who couldn't imagine that others lives were different from theirs but I'd suggest that the bigger failure of imagination is that your lifestyle will continue in perpetuity

I spent 13 years with a man who couldnt drive. It was n absolute fucking pain in the arse in the end. Nothing wrong with him just lazy.

Dp was with someone who couldnt drive too, relied on him for everything, wouldnt even get a bus and it did get him down at times
Now we can both drive. We share a car and it's great. Hes the main driver but I step in or have car when needed

If you can get yourself about then fantastic. Unfortunately I've been used by friends who cant drive.. oh ghost can you just run me down to asda, can you take me shopping, can I get a lift everyday to work, etc
Piss off

Just out of interest non driving types

Have you ever implied you'd do X for Y rather than rely on charity/handouts/benefits?

What?

@Chanjer no cos I never ask anyone for lifts, I get myself around.

@Mintychoc1 but I would never want to live anywhere that I needed to rely on a car to get around. I don't drive because I live in a large town with everything on my doorstep and great public transport, I've no desire to live anywhere else.

I knew that sentence would be troubling

I thought the line you omitted cleared it up but anyway

Would you take a drop in earnings/jobrole to keep food on the table

Have you ever implied you'd do X for Y rather than rely on charity/handouts/benefits?

I have no idea what this means. I’ve never used charity, handouts or benefits.

What on earth are you babbling about?

it's posts like these that mean I can't wait for self-driving cars to become the norm,

You'll have a long wait. It'll never happen in our lifetime, whatever the developers claim. Maybe, just maybe, it'll happen in a few specific areas and on segregated/controlled roads, but there's no way it will become commonplace on all roads this century. There are far too many issues with the tech and road infrastructure needs a massive redesign to facilitate it - the costs of that alone would be hundreds of billions. The best we'll get is more automation and safety features, i.e. lane control and automatic braking becoming the norm rather than only available in top of the range cars. Electric cars widespread - yes, and maybe more automation with a qualified driver at the wheel - yes, but those who don't have a licence aren't going to be hailing a driverless cab this century except in a few strictly controlled areas/road corridors.