Grown men who can't drive

[madcatladyforever]

AIBU or what! Just had a row with my DS who is not talking to me because he can't drive at 40 years old. There is no good reason why not, he's done all the lessons just can't be bothered to take the test.
His wife ferries him about everywhere despite the fact she's in very poor health and shouldn't even be on the road in my opinion.
He wanted me to collect him for the weekend a 7 hour round trip and I said no, I have slipped discs and I'm on tramadol, I can't drive for 7 hours.
I don't see why we should be unpaid chauffeurs all the time and I'm not doing it any more.
Not being able to drive completely limits their lives, they can't live in a rural area which they want to do, he can only take a job there is public transport too and he can't drive to any big store out of town and pick up furniture or tools or whatever.
It is driving me mad and I said to his wife, stop ferrying him about, he needs to get his license. What happens if you have to go into hospital - who is going to drive you there and back.
Now he is furious with me for "interfering" but if your mother can't say it who can.
I get the test is scary but if we never did anything because we were nervous we'd never achieve anything in our lives.

@Chanjer

Being able to drive and owning a car are not the same thing. I don't own a car

Being able to step up and drive when needed is imo a very useful skill.

Spend 20 odd years driving non drivers about and then see how you feel about people that won't learn

And it's not even that people expect to be driven that's an issue for me, cos you know, I'm gonna drive there myself, taking people in a car is no problem. In most other situations where you do favours for others that's a 2 way street. In the instance of driving it isn't. That can be jarring

It's a basic skill everyone should have

Totally agree with you I've grown up on an island, so essentially remote & limited bus service. Passing test at 16 was right of passage for us & totally expected you would drive yourself

@Chanjer

Being able to drive and owning a car are not the same thing. I don't own a car

Being able to step up and drive when needed is imo a very useful skill.

Spend 20 odd years driving non drivers about and then see how you feel about people that won't learn

And it's not even that people expect to be driven that's an issue for me, cos you know, I'm gonna drive there myself, taking people in a car is no problem. In most other situations where you do favours for others that's a 2 way street. In the instance of driving it isn't. That can be jarring

It's a basic skill everyone should have

Totally agree with you I've grown up on an island, so essentially remote & limited bus service. Passing test at 16 was right of passage for us & totally expected you would drive yourself

Your post title is extremely insulting , nothing wrong with 'grown men' who don't drive,. Sexist?! What is wrong is your '40' year old son acting like an 18 year old!

I agree with the others about any grown adults (man or woman) not driving through choice is a PITA. BIL doesn't drive. He could but will not take the test. Why would he? His missus (and my DH when he's visiting) ferry him everywhere. Funny thing is, he's a fucking expert on driving though. Always willing to critique the driver's driving whether it's yelling at the wife that she could have pulled out then, that she changed gear too soon or that she missed the turn off.... she's so lucky to have him correcting her. How else would she learn?

@NameChange84

I dated one who couldn’t drive, one who didn’t have a car and one who just preferred it when I drove.

In fact, I’ve never dated a guy who would pick me up etc. It’s really irritating and grating after a while. I tend to find they treat you like their mother and a taxi service and they are always unwilling to contribute to any costs incurred such as petrol or parking expenses etc.

I wouldn’t mind if it was a shared responsibility or due to a health condition but otherwise it’s a massive bloody turn off from past experiences and tends to go hand in hand with immaturity, “meanness” and mummy issues.

Completely get when you are coming from, totally agree

@HouchinBawbags once again, that's someone being a dick that has absolutely nothing to do with his lack of driving. I bet driving isn't the only thing he knows best about/uses to berate his wife with.

And it's not even that people expect to be driven that's an issue for me, cos you know, I'm gonna drive there myself, taking people in a car is no problem. In most other situations where you do favours for others that's a 2 way street. In the instance of driving it isn't.

You do realise returning favours don't have to always be the exact same thing right?

I tend to pay my way either in actual money, or paying for the food /drinks or buying something while we're out.

I have certain skills that while they aren't anything special, do come in handy at times.

And the main one who A LOT of people use, due to my job I look after a lot of children to either give their parents a break or because they need to work, particularly in the summer holidays.

I think its a bit embarrasing when adults rely on family or friends to ferry them around...
I know someone almost 40yrs old and his parents pick him up 5 days a week to get him to work and due to his work hrs, relies on them to pick him up at night too(often around 10.30pm) its a 40min round trip..., he works in a rural area, bus service being only every 2hrs. Ridiculous

Title sounds a bit sexist... men don't have any more reason to need to drive than women.
Some people can't afford a car or lessons so I wouldn't say all non drivers are a pain, but expecting people to ferry you about is! I think yanbu to stop driving him. It sounds like he would benefit from trying hard to get a license and he could access a vehicle.

@Badbadbunny

Owning and maintaining a car is bloody expensive.

Only if you want it to be. I'm driving a 12 year old car which I bought new for £7k. The costs of ownership/use over the 12 years is thousands less than the alternative costs of public transport/taxis etc.

Not everyone wants a £300 per month leased BMW!

I’ve not been driving long (and I’m 38!), and I agree with this. Our car did cost a fair few thousand to buy but it’s a 4x4 and should be a gas guzzler. I haven’t put fuel in it since the end of March and I do drive 2-5 times a week (locally, but still!).

[quote ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble]@HouchinBawbags once again, that's someone being a dick that has absolutely nothing to do with his lack of driving. I bet driving isn't the only thing he knows best about/uses to berate his wife with.[/quote]
Actually driving is the only thing he's a dick about really. He's a decent kinda bloke but SIL has to drive him round like he's one of the kids. However, as I said, he does have a habit of being a "back seat driver", telling her what to do and when. Her driving is just fine and she has the license to prove it. He should shut up at the very least (or better yet, prove he knows what he's on about and pass his own bloody test and get a license!)

It would put me off massively.

@KeepingPlain

A friend's husband did loads of lessons and then decided not to bother taking the test. So he drives if my friend is in the car but can't drive alone or on motorways. They have 2 kids and it's a pain in the arse for her.

So he keeps paying for a new provisional licence every few years, rather than paying for a test and a full one? That's so intelligent...

You renew it every ten years with a new photo. Like every other licence.

@madcatladyforever

My ex husband couldn't drive when I met him either. He liked to go away every weekend on various jollies, guess who had to drive hundreds of miles all the time. After a few months of this I refused to drive him anywhere and said if you want to go on all these long trips then learn to drive. So he took lessons and passed his test. Then spent the next 20 years criticising my bloody driving the cheeky sod. I also found out he's racked up a huge credit card bill for the lessons, almost a grand!!! Who spends a grand on driving lessons :-o

You’ve got to be joking now? Driving lessons easily cost £1,000 plus these days. My lessons were £65 EACH. I probably had around 20 lessons. Not excessive amount by any means.

Don’t complain about someone not driving and then, when they do learn, how much it cost them to do so. You’re hard to please OP.

@InTheShadowOfTheMushroomCloud

One of the reasons I couldn't stand living with my exh was because he refused to learn to drive ( and actually share any of the other chores) ... he then learned after I left him. But could only learn in an automatic....

What's wrong with only being able to learn in an automatic?! There's a huge number of genuine and legitimate reasons why someone couldn't drive a manual. I have Arthritis in my knee. I know someone with dyspraxia who can't drive manual only automatic. Learning difficulties, issues with the left arm, or left foot. No left foot or leg. The list goes on.

Please don't be so judgemental

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken What frightens you about it?

It's dead easy, honestly! Just remember that all vehicles are driving in the same direction and therefore no head on collisions and provided you keep to 60-70mph (and stay in the left lane if it makes you most comfortable) then it's no different to any other road.
The only difference really, is that you gather speed to join, rather than stopping at a junction on a regular road. Get up to about 55-60mph on the entry slip way, indicate to join and the other drivers in the left lane will either slow down to let you in or will change to the middle lane. Just don't slow down to join, make sure you're doing 55-60mph minimum.

My advice would be to try it when the motorway is dead quiet. Join and then come off at the next exit, which will likely only be a mile or 2.

There are FAR more accidents on regular roads than on motorways (I've just looked it up to make sure I'm correct and yep, motorways accounted for only 6% in 2018! The most were on main roads....

There are FAR more accidents on regular roads than on motorways (I've just looked it up to make sure I'm correct and yep, motorways accounted for only 6% in 2018! The most were on main roads....

Yep. My DD has a black box in her car and she gets bonus points for driving on motorways as they are statistically safer.

Love the way really bitchy, sour people have nothing better to do than make really nasty, bullying anonymous comments. Thank God i don't know people like you in real life.

I would call berating your son for not being able to drive, sticking your oar into his marriage, acting like the wounded angel when he accuses you of interfering (which is exactly what you’re doing) and then fighting about it online with anyone who disagrees with you pretty ‘bitchy and sour’. Have you ever considered that maybe you’re the arsehole?

I also found out he's racked up a huge credit card bill for the lessons, almost a grand!!! Who spends a grand on driving lessons :-o

Someone who’s crap at driving and shouldn’t be doing it?! Only he’s getting relentlessly nagged by a bitter, controlling, interfering relative?

It depends where you grew up. A friend of mine is a banker and grew up and still lives in NYC. Nobody there drives.

He isn't being unreasonable to not drive. He is being totally unreasonable to expect everyone to cater to his every whim.

This. If someone doesn't want to learn to drive then that is their right (I don't drive myself), but they can't expect others to constantly ferry them around - and expecting you to do a 7 hour round trip is definitely out of order!

Making clients pay for your train tickets and arranging car services to collect you? I'm shocked at the selfishness and laziness and entitlement. But I shouldn't be. I should be used to this attitude on here by now. There is no way I would be a client of someone so unprofessional. Imagine having to get a train ticket money to see your client. Doesn't exactly fill one with confidence that the person they are paying for is professional, responsible, and trustworthy. I am just..... I should hide this thread. I thought by now, I had read it all. But someone almost boasting about getting a client to give them train ticket money? That, is just a new low in utter incompetence and unprofessionalism. If I had to ask my client for money for a train ticket, I'd be so humiliated. I just. am out of here at that, before I lose all faith in humanity.

This made me laugh out loud. It’s got to be the most overdramatic, nonsensical rambling I’ve ever seen on MN - and Christ knows it’s not short of competition. ‘Lose all faith in humanity’? A client paying your travel expenses is ‘a new low in utter incompetence and unprofessionalism’? You’d be ‘so humiliated’? People take major corporate fraud more lightly!

I would seriously consider some kind of counselling.

I completely see your point, @madcatladyforever, and I absolutely agree with you. You might not be able to force him to learn, but I'm betting that between your honest feedback and his wife's growing disgruntlement, it will happen sooner rather than later.

Must admit I do judge most people who don't drive in the absence of medical conditions. I have an inordinately high number in my friend group back home (8-10) and they all say they dont need to but live pretty insular lives. Only drin/go out for meals in same small market town, shopping at corner shops rather than supermarkets, and it's such a mission trying to organise them to come to mine for a night, despite only being 30 mins drive away - takes a week of discussion to get them to catch at train, whilst my driving mates will agree the night before and happily drive up.

If they're drinking they wouldn't be able to drive anyway...?

@HermioneMakepeace

It depends where you grew up. A friend of mine is a banker and grew up and still lives in NYC. Nobody there drives.

Exactly!! I've cited examples of this earlier in the thread that get ignored.

People are so insular on here.

It's like, if you live in a market town, and your mates live in an adjoining town, then this gives you the right to opine "everyone should drive, it's a life skill!"

Meanwhile six figure banker in NYC is enjoying a fabulous life, but parochial UK folk would "never date them" because they don't have a driving licence so couldn't get to Market Harborough without ordering a taxi. "A grown person who doesn't have their independence, how unattractive!"