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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grown men who can't drive

925 replies

madcatladyforever · 20/07/2020 11:51

AIBU or what! Just had a row with my DS who is not talking to me because he can't drive at 40 years old. There is no good reason why not, he's done all the lessons just can't be bothered to take the test.
His wife ferries him about everywhere despite the fact she's in very poor health and shouldn't even be on the road in my opinion.
He wanted me to collect him for the weekend a 7 hour round trip and I said no, I have slipped discs and I'm on tramadol, I can't drive for 7 hours.
I don't see why we should be unpaid chauffeurs all the time and I'm not doing it any more.
Not being able to drive completely limits their lives, they can't live in a rural area which they want to do, he can only take a job there is public transport too and he can't drive to any big store out of town and pick up furniture or tools or whatever.
It is driving me mad and I said to his wife, stop ferrying him about, he needs to get his license. What happens if you have to go into hospital - who is going to drive you there and back.
Now he is furious with me for "interfering" but if your mother can't say it who can.
I get the test is scary but if we never did anything because we were nervous we'd never achieve anything in our lives.

OP posts:
Missthechips · 20/07/2020 20:37

I'm late 30s and don't know how to drive. Had one lesson in my twenties and freaked out! DH was a late learner and I'm grateful we have the ability to jump in the car whenever. We don't use the car much as live in the middle of a big town but it's so handy when you need it. Big regret if mine if I'm honest.

GoldenOmber · 20/07/2020 20:37

I would guess that given this is Mumsnet, a fair number of the non-drivers here will have children.

popsydoodle4444 · 20/07/2020 20:38

I have a different take on this.

I've done 6 months of driving lessons;one a week.

At £26.50 a pop it's not cheap,I've had minus Xmas/holidays etc about 21 lessons.

I'm not a good driver,it took ages for stuff to embed.Everytime I got back into the car it was like starting over again.I struggled badly,I'd spend the night before my lesson awake with anxiety.
My instructor even asked me if I was sure I wanted to carry on.

After 6 months of lessons a lot of people would be ready for their test.I was nowhere close.Unless you or your DIL were in the car with him during those lessons you then you don't know what sort of driver he is.

popsydoodle4444 · 20/07/2020 20:38

I have a different take on this.

I've done 6 months of driving lessons;one a week.

At £26.50 a pop it's not cheap,I've had minus Xmas/holidays etc about 21 lessons.

I'm not a good driver,it took ages for stuff to embed.Everytime I got back into the car it was like starting over again.I struggled badly,I'd spend the night before my lesson awake with anxiety.
My instructor even asked me if I was sure I wanted to carry on.

After 6 months of lessons a lot of people would be ready for their test.I was nowhere close.Unless you or your DIL were in the car with him during those lessons you then you don't know what sort of driver he is.

Alex50 · 20/07/2020 20:40

It does limit you if you can’t drive, there are certain places you can’t get to without a car. You can get a taxi but you still needed to get in a car. It’s not always possible to get a taxi either. It also limits you where you can live. It limits you in the hobbies you can do, jobs you can do, not because of your qualifications but locations, where I work we have many different sites, if you had to visit 3 of these sites in one day by public transport it would take at least 3 hours on a bus, it would take 30 mins in a car.

Crimeismymiddlename · 20/07/2020 20:40

A 38 year old non driver here! Learning as my life will be a lot easier-and I live in an area of great public transport. I would never ever expect to be ferried around, never ask for a lift and feel a little guilty getting them. Adults know how to use a bus time table.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 20/07/2020 20:40

Waxonwaxoff0 do you limit your activities because of this? How old is your child?- some ages are worse than others for schleping stuff

Rewis · 20/07/2020 20:45

The problem is not the lack of driving. It's him asking for rides. I can drive, but I don't own a car cause I really cannot justify owning one at the moment. But I also don't expect rides.

People (not just men) who casually expect someone else to chauffer them is just crap.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 20/07/2020 20:46

Only he's 7. I don't limit activities, no - but to be fair he doesn't do many and there is lots going on locally. He does swimming and Beavers at the moment, both within walking distance from our house and is going to start a musical instrument soon which he can also do locally. He's not sporty at all so isn't interested in doing anything along those lines.

GinDaddyRedux · 20/07/2020 20:53

@Longdistance

It bugs me when grown adults are like this. It’s different if there’s a medical condition, but it’s the pathetic hopelessness of it. We know a couple like this, they are always asking for lifts. If you mentioned you were going somewhere they’d invite themselves along to visit town/place/shop. They’re oldest kids drive now, so they’re probably a taxi service to them. I would never have married my dh if he didn’t drive. Yanbu to not offer lifts, he’s a grown adult and needs to sort this himself.
it's posts like these that mean I can't wait for self-driving cars to become the norm, so that you and others like you have to find a new differentiator to be spiteful about.

I drive, but I find it so funny that so many British folk get tetchy at the thought of someone not being able to. It's like, what is it to you? You can always not offer lifts. You could always, you know, expand your horizons a bit and consider life without a car, and then be able to actually, you know, empathise with other's choices.

GinDaddyRedux · 20/07/2020 20:55

@Kazzyhoward

Dh and I are in our 40s and have never learned to drive. We have always got by just fine.

And yet another who lives/works in a city with good public transport.

And these examples aren't valid, because someone managed to live somewhere that works for them?

Would you like all the examples of non-drivers to be specially selected CF'ers who live rurally but constantly beg and thumb for lifts? So as to prove your thesis that everyone needs to drive?

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 20/07/2020 20:57

@Kazzyhoward

Dh and I are in our 40s and have never learned to drive. We have always got by just fine.

And yet another who lives/works in a city with good public transport.

Why is it such a shock that people who don't drive live in places (not necessarily cities) that are suitable for that?
GinDaddyRedux · 20/07/2020 21:01

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

Exactly, but I think this poster is so keen to see examples of people for whom not driving means they're automatically a CF who relies on dozens of people for lifts etc.

My relatives never had a car, they're now in their 60s. They've had the most wonderful life in London, Brighton and European cities. They're very fortunate of course to have had good jobs and been v.affluent, don't get me wrong, but they've never ever missed a car.

Some people just can't see past a car. Personally, even as a driver, I remember the joys I had when I didn't have one.

zingally · 20/07/2020 21:03

YANBU.

I mean, it's totally okay if you don't want to drive, but it's NOT okay to expect others to ferry you around!

For me, a partner who couldn't drive would be a massive turn-off. Personally, I DO kind of believe that unless you've got a medical reason as to why you shouldn't drive... You should at least have a licence. You may choose not to drive, but you should always have the skill to fall back on. I personally see it as an essential part of "adulting".

MitziK · 20/07/2020 21:09

@zingally

YANBU.

I mean, it's totally okay if you don't want to drive, but it's NOT okay to expect others to ferry you around!

For me, a partner who couldn't drive would be a massive turn-off. Personally, I DO kind of believe that unless you've got a medical reason as to why you shouldn't drive... You should at least have a licence. You may choose not to drive, but you should always have the skill to fall back on. I personally see it as an essential part of "adulting".

And I'd say more essential part of 'adulting' for many people is to concentrate upon keeping a roof over their heads and the council tax paid before anything else.
LetitiaMartin · 20/07/2020 21:13

it’s the pathetic hopelessness of it.

I am neither pathetic nor hopeless. Stop with the insults.

I had a very enjoyable day out with a friend last summer. We took a train to Town A, had a lovely leisurely scenic walk to Town B, had a meal, then caught the train back from Town B.

If there had been a car involved, we'd have had to find and pay for all day parking on arrival at Town A, the driver wouldn't have been able to have a drink with the meal, and we'd have had to go back to Town A to pick up the car at the end of the day, instead of getting on the train to go straight home. And we were both able to relax, read, look out of the window, do whatever we wanted, on the train.

blurpityblurp · 20/07/2020 21:18

It does limit you if you can’t drive, there are certain places you can’t get to without a car. You can get a taxi but you still needed to get in a car. It’s not always possible to get a taxi either. It also limits you where you can live. It limits you in the hobbies you can do, jobs you can do

For some people it limits them, for other people it does not. I don’t understand why car drivers are so narrow minded and assume that everyone’s life is like there’s.

There is no where I’d ever want or need to go that I couldn’t access without driving myself. That’s because my life and my life choices are different from yours.

It’s silly to talk about restrictions because everyone is restricted by something. The area you live in and the educational and career choices you’ve made restrict your choice of jobs and hobbies far more than being able to drive or not. There are tons of things about my life that most of the posters on this thread wouldn’t have access to, I’m not bitching about how “limited” you are because you didn’t make the same life choices as me, because everyone is different and wants different things out of life.

I’m not going to wake up tomorrow with a desperate urge to move to the Highlands or become a lorry driver, so it’s illogical to talk about me being “limited” by not being able to do them.

blurpityblurp · 20/07/2020 21:20

assume that everyone’s life is like there’s.

*theirs, obviously. Sorry I didn’t notice my phone had autocorrected it.

daisypond · 20/07/2020 21:21

I think it's pretty weird nowadays for an adult not to drive. The only one I know is the 58-year-old office odd bod.
I completely disagree. Most adults I know do not drive - either don’t have a licence or don’t have a car - that includes people of all ages from 20 to 80, including those working shift jobs -because there’s no need in a large city.

TeetotalKoala · 20/07/2020 21:27

I have no issue with adults being non drivers, as long as they are self sufficient!

You will have a fight on your hands if you've been enabling him for so long. Did you ever make him get public transport anywhere as a teen, or did you just drive him?

I grew up in Zone 3 of London so was self sufficient on public transport at 12. Sometimes my parents would give me a lift but I rarely asked, I just assumed I'd make my own way there. It means that now I can navigate public transport confidently. I'm keen for my children to learn the same independence and won't be encouraging driving lessons immediately. I didn't learn to drive when I lived there, but when I moved somewhere that only has hourly buses after 7pm and no Tube, I learned pretty damn quickly.

DdraigGoch · 20/07/2020 21:27

@Chanjer

Anyone who can't drive needs to have a word with themselves tbh
ODFOD. If someone chooses not to drive but doesn't mooch off of other people as a result, that's fine. It's those who choose not to and then are constantly scrounging lifts where there is a problem.
Judystilldreamsofhorses · 20/07/2020 21:28

Neither my male DP nor I drive. I had about 500 lessons and my instructor eventually gently said he thought it was not for me.

DP grew up in a city centre, went to uni in a big city, and we now live ten minutes walk from the city centre - he’s never even had a lesson.

We do online grocery shopping, and I genuinely can’t remember the last time I was in any sort of vehicle.

Skyla2005 · 20/07/2020 21:29

Good on you for saying it how it is. If your daughter in law refuses aswell he will have to do it won’t he Time to man up and help his wife and mum for a change

TeetotalKoala · 20/07/2020 21:30

@zingally

YANBU.

I mean, it's totally okay if you don't want to drive, but it's NOT okay to expect others to ferry you around!

For me, a partner who couldn't drive would be a massive turn-off. Personally, I DO kind of believe that unless you've got a medical reason as to why you shouldn't drive... You should at least have a licence. You may choose not to drive, but you should always have the skill to fall back on. I personally see it as an essential part of "adulting".

I would see self sufficiency as an essential part of adulting more so than having a licence. Drive, don't drive. But do not expect others to do it for you.
springrollover · 20/07/2020 21:41

@Chanjer

Being able to drive and owning a car are not the same thing. I don't own a car

Being able to step up and drive when needed is imo a very useful skill.

Spend 20 odd years driving non drivers about and then see how you feel about people that won't learn Grin

And it's not even that people expect to be driven that's an issue for me, cos you know, I'm gonna drive there myself, taking people in a car is no problem. In most other situations where you do favours for others that's a 2 way street. In the instance of driving it isn't. That can be jarring

It's a basic skill everyone should have

Totally agree with you I've grown up on an island, so essentially remote & limited bus service. Passing test at 16 was right of passage for us & totally expected you would drive yourself