Grown men who can't drive

[madcatladyforever]

AIBU or what! Just had a row with my DS who is not talking to me because he can't drive at 40 years old. There is no good reason why not, he's done all the lessons just can't be bothered to take the test.
His wife ferries him about everywhere despite the fact she's in very poor health and shouldn't even be on the road in my opinion.
He wanted me to collect him for the weekend a 7 hour round trip and I said no, I have slipped discs and I'm on tramadol, I can't drive for 7 hours.
I don't see why we should be unpaid chauffeurs all the time and I'm not doing it any more.
Not being able to drive completely limits their lives, they can't live in a rural area which they want to do, he can only take a job there is public transport too and he can't drive to any big store out of town and pick up furniture or tools or whatever.
It is driving me mad and I said to his wife, stop ferrying him about, he needs to get his license. What happens if you have to go into hospital - who is going to drive you there and back.
Now he is furious with me for "interfering" but if your mother can't say it who can.
I get the test is scary but if we never did anything because we were nervous we'd never achieve anything in our lives.

• I think I'm perfectly reasonable wanting my son to learn to drive so I can very occasionally get a lift to the hospital. I am his mother not a complete stranger and I've spent his entire life being available for him, so far it's been all one way not both ways.*

I kinda wish he never learns to drive because,from what you say, otherwise you'll have the painful realisation that he doesn't give a shit, and driving or not has nothing to do with it.

I've tried and failed my test many times. I cant face any more attempts.

I'm happy to walk, bus, train, taxi... people are always offering me lifts and it's annoying, I'd much rather make my own way most of the time.

And it does stop him from doing things, he's had to turn down two jobs recently because he can't drive and is unable to help his family out at all plus lost an affordable house purchase because it wasn't on a bus or train route to the great distress of his wife.

Thanks for the replies, he is pissing me off royally at the moment in case you can't tell!

We can't get a train to visit families up north because we have a toddler who needs a nap - he can do that in a car but not on public transport where we have to get three tubes/trains then a taxi, plus we'd have to lug the massive group 1 car seat on the trains!

And I got a right dressing down from MIL for skipping one of the family gatherings so I have to drive us to them for an easy life.

Next week will be interesting- I might take his licence to the rental agency and put him on as a second driver and then hand him the keys once we are off the big motorways!

Sorry for the hijack OP but as you can see we have the same problem!

Love the way really bitchy, sour people have nothing better to do than make really nasty, bullying anonymous comments.
Thank God i don't know people like you in real life.

@madcatladyforever so he's a selfish arsehole. Still nothing to do with him not driving. You need to accept the not driving is a symptom not the cause. He's entitled,selfish and doesn't care about anyone's needs but his.

And you seriously believe he'd go out of his way to give you lifts if he could drive? Come on...

Timekeeper1 why on earth have you copied and pasted a huge string of other people’s posts from a forum in a foreign country, that clearly don’t apply to many parts of the UK??

I wouldn’t have any interest in any of the jobs you’ve listed, and you don’t need a car to do most of those jobs here. For example my vet doesn’t drive because his veterinary practice is in Central London so there’s absolutely zero chance he’d ever be called out to visit “a farm.” My dad owned an IT company and although he did drive, I don’t remember him ever having to make house calls. Very few people in IT make house calls unless they are an engineer or it’s literally their job description to visit people’s homes.

Most of my job is working from home, and most meetings I attend are ones that I organise. 90% of all work meetings/events I have to attend are in central London where no one drives if they can possibly avoid it. When I do have meetings or work events outside of London, the client pay for my train ticket and/or arranges a car service to collect me. And I’m much more likely to be sent to a meeting in NYC than a meeting somewhere rural so having a car wouldn’t really be of any help.

I’ve never seen a job application that made a driving licence a requirement, except for really crappy jobs which I wouldn’t apply for anyway.

@madcatladyforever

Love the way really bitchy, sour people have nothing better to do than make really nasty, bullying anonymous comments. Thank God i don't know people like you in real life.

Wow, you came on here to insult ''grown men who can't drive''

Listen to yourself.

Presumably your DIL knew he didn't drive when she married him. If it was that much of a deal breaker then she shouldn't have married a non driver.

@blurpityblurp so if it’s so easy why don’t you drive?

I know how to drive. I’m not allowed to for medical reasons. Even if I did drive I wouldn’t have a car because it would be a pointless expense for something I would never use.

Even in London I would refuse to take an uber. I would refuse to go in one regardless of where I lived.
I don’t take Ubers either, what’s your point?

@Helen87609

YANBU.

My SIL doesn’t drive through choice. She never demands a lift but we get a lot of “can you pick me up on your way through” (it’s never on the way) and having to arrange all family plans to be somewhere she can get to easily or one of us gets a guilt trip or we’re just about to leave with a really grumpy baby and she’ll “just jump in with us” and add 30 mins to the journey. Never offers to pay the toll bridge. She also does a job where you’d usually need to drive (think community nurse) and complains when she gets a job in the suburbs and has to get there 🤷‍♀️

I think this is the unrealized reality. Non-drivers think they never put anyone out. But the reality is before you invite a non-driver anywhere you've already done the mental gymnastics on how they are going to get there.

I don't drive either.
The road is definitely a safer place without me. I have a medical excuse I live in the city close to amenities tram, bus, taxi.
It inhibits my life lots too I'd love to be able to drive to a remote spot or to the beach, public transport is rammed on a sunny day.

@Helen87609

YANBU.

My SIL doesn’t drive through choice. She never demands a lift but we get a lot of “can you pick me up on your way through” (it’s never on the way) and having to arrange all family plans to be somewhere she can get to easily or one of us gets a guilt trip or we’re just about to leave with a really grumpy baby and she’ll “just jump in with us” and add 30 mins to the journey. Never offers to pay the toll bridge. She also does a job where you’d usually need to drive (think community nurse) and complains when she gets a job in the suburbs and has to get there 🤷‍♀️

I think this is the unrealized reality. Non-drivers think they never put anyone out. But the reality is before you invite a non-driver anywhere you've already done the mental gymnastics on how they are going to get there.

I imagine many IT workers won't need to either.

Yep I work in the IT industry, decent amount of working from home jobs even before covid and for when I worked in an office fellow developers were entirely office based.

@madcatladyforever

And it does stop him from doing things, he's had to turn down two jobs recently because he can't drive and is unable to help his family out at all plus lost an affordable house purchase because it wasn't on a bus or train route to the great distress of his wife.

If she married him knowing he couldn’t drive and wasn’t ever going to start then I suppose fair enough, but otherwise it sounds like he’s incredibly selfish and entitled. You are entirely justified in refusing to drive him around to places. And his wife probably should too, but I don’t think that’s something you can change alas.

Most people who don’t drive for whatever reason manage to get houses and jobs. It sounds like his refusing to drive is a symptom of the deeper issue here, not the cause.

I know a few non drivers & while none of them demand lifts regularly, it is a pain. If we go on holiday together, it’s me who picks one up and goes out of my way. And it limits choice - I don’t tend to go to my favourite restaurants cos they are not on bus routes - so I don’t have to drive people around but never get my choice of where to eat. Or if I do I have to pick up and drop off. After a few decades it gets wearing. And none of them think about the cost of ferries/parking/petrol unless I ask for a contribution. I exempt people who can’t drive for medical reasons.

@madcatladyforever your comment at 18.37 was just pure nastiness. Calling a woman a horrible bitch is so not a good look.

"plus lost an affordable house purchase because it wasn't on a bus or train route to the great distress of his wife"

How is any of this your problem? And I take back what I said about him being selfish earlier, if your last few posts are anything to go by I'd be less than inclined to do anything for you either.

@blurpityblurp To demonstrate that even ordinary desk jobs require a licence. Also, so your vets don't make house calls over there? Even in the cities here, vets offer the service of house calls to euthanase a pet, to make it less stressful on the pet and the owners. All vets do this. So you're saying vets where you are don't offer that frontline service?

the client pay for my train ticket and/or arranges a car service to collect me
Charming. And you honestly see nothing wrong with this attitude? Making clients pay for your train tickets and arranging car services to collect you? I'm shocked at the selfishness and laziness and entitlement. But I shouldn't be. I should be used to this attitude on here by now. There is no way I would be a client of someone so unprofessional. Imagine having to get a train ticket money to see your client. Doesn't exactly fill one with confidence that the person they are paying for is professional, responsible, and trustworthy. I am just..... I should hide this thread. I thought by now, I had read it all. But someone almost boasting about getting a client to give them train ticket money? That, is just a new low in utter incompetence and unprofessionalism. If I had to ask my client for money for a train ticket, I'd be so humiliated. I just. am out of here at that, before I lose all faith in humanity.

I just think that a lot of non-drivers just don't get how they are making decisions based on their restrictions. They would never dream of planning a day out at a beach or other remote location inaccessible by public transport.
This.
I know a couple who are 35/45 and choose not to drive. No children. They live in a city with a good bus service. A holiday in the UK requires extraordinary compromises to fit round public transport. So many places are inaccessible if you can't drive.

Our clients are CEOs of large international businesses, they wouldn’t dream of working with a client who drove themself to a meeting. It is industry standard for clients to arrange and pay for transport, sometimes that means a private aeroplane.

But someone almost boasting about getting a client to give them train ticket money?

My employers pay for train tickets if they want me to go somewhere out of the office. They also pay for petrol for my colleagues who are driving there. This is called 'expenses', and it's something that lots of jobs have. It's weird that you are so shocked and offended by this.

I think it's pretty weird nowadays for an adult not to drive. The only one I know is the 58-year-old office odd bod.

To demonstrate that even ordinary desk jobs require a licence.

But ordinary desk jobs usually don't require a license in the UK. It would actually be illegal for employers to insist on a driving license for a job that didn't involve driving (discrimination due to disability).