Grown men who can't drive

[madcatladyforever]

AIBU or what! Just had a row with my DS who is not talking to me because he can't drive at 40 years old. There is no good reason why not, he's done all the lessons just can't be bothered to take the test.
His wife ferries him about everywhere despite the fact she's in very poor health and shouldn't even be on the road in my opinion.
He wanted me to collect him for the weekend a 7 hour round trip and I said no, I have slipped discs and I'm on tramadol, I can't drive for 7 hours.
I don't see why we should be unpaid chauffeurs all the time and I'm not doing it any more.
Not being able to drive completely limits their lives, they can't live in a rural area which they want to do, he can only take a job there is public transport too and he can't drive to any big store out of town and pick up furniture or tools or whatever.
It is driving me mad and I said to his wife, stop ferrying him about, he needs to get his license. What happens if you have to go into hospital - who is going to drive you there and back.
Now he is furious with me for "interfering" but if your mother can't say it who can.
I get the test is scary but if we never did anything because we were nervous we'd never achieve anything in our lives.

[quote Timekeeper1]Getting a job is also a very important reason too. www.clickliverpool.com/features/25733-the-top-reasons-why-you-should-learn-to-drive/[/quote]
Better hand back my career as an actuary (chief risk assessor), should probably tell my boyfriend to quit his job as an actuary seeing as he can’t drive.

@corythatwas I think it's an Indian article, but the situation there with rapes,assaults,kidnapping and just the general way women are seen and treated will not be fixed even if all women did drive. And yes it's an article/list aimed at women.

The linked article is from India. If I lived in certain parts of India I would hesitate to get on a bus alone, because unfortunately in some parts of India that really isn’t safe for women.

But I think it’s safe to assume that most of us are not living in Delhi, in the same way most of us are not living in the Australian outback.

My last two workplaces had no parking. Employees were encouraged to find green ways to get to work - either public transport or by using their bike purchase scheme. Yes I do sometimes get taxis, which actually want to drive people around so they can pay their own bills. When I have large item needing removal, I pay someone to do that, again that is how the economy works surely. By providing a service.

I don't ask anyone to give me lifts, as I said, hardly anyone in my family does drive and the one person that does has a two seater sports car.

[quote Timekeeper1]@blurpityblurp Clearly you've never heard of driving to meetings, functions etc. Fancy thinking you only need a licence to be a delivery driver! (facepalm)[/quote]
My employer provides transport to functions and meetings, whether that be a taxi, train or aeroplane.

The amount of groups I've run where people have said I can't drive can you pick me up. Nope.

That is ridiculous. You're tarring all non-drivers with that brush. It is a certain type of forward person who just outright asks for a lift.

i'm sure not all non-drivers are this outwardly assertive.

I've never asked anybody for a lift. Not even to a funeral.

Some drivers are not backwards coming forwards asking a favour. This is not a trait that you can pin on non-drivers. You sound a bit obsessed with this one thing that your son hasn't done.

You're entitled to say no to him when he treats you like a taxi, but stop acting like all non-drivers are entitled asking for lifts.

@blurpityblurp how do you know it’s easier to drive to Tesco’s when you don’t drive?

Social workers need to drive out to people's homes. That's one job. IT as well. Veterinarians? Travel to homes/farms. GPs? Same thing. I could go on and on.

Last thing I'll post on this, but on a site I just perused, these replies came up in answer to why employment ads list 'must have driver's licence' (and/or own car/transport):

^You have to go pick stuff up from vendors when at a desk job. You still have to go out to clients when you have a desk job. You still have off-site meetings when you have a desk job. No one wants a junior slave who can't go pick up friday arvo pizza and beer working their desk job.

User #91362 8026 posts
I'm on a desk job and 1/3 of the time I am driving to data centres....

I can't see why anyone doesn't need a drivers license.

People with drivers licences are usually more independent. They aren't always relying a public transport. Some jobs aren't near public transport. May also be asked to travel (drive) to another office or to see a client or something. It's a qualification most jobs like you to have.

having met people that are of age to get a drivers licence, but dont "feel the need"
to get a drivers licence and dont have a medical condition that precludes them from driving. I think of it as a shortened way of saying, we are really only interested in hiring people that can tie their own shoes and wont be confused by the elevators.

Cos you may be asked to go out and collect the mail, drive to a training course, drive somewhere else to pick something up, drop something off.

"I do not have a license nor do I feel I need one"
If having a license is a requirement for jobs that you are wanting to apply for then just go and get your licence. You don't need a car, you don't need to drive to work, you just need the driver's licence. Do you know how to drive in case of an emergency? If yes, then just get your licence. If no, learn. It could really be needed one day.

Can anyone shed some light on this?

And if anyone is curious; I do not have a license nor do I feel I need one. I'm 23.
I'm guessing but it may have something to do with character. Unfortunately you are in the minority as most people own a car and a license. Character you may ask?. Well if you've lost you license then I doubt any business would want a potential employee with a character that lends itself to that. Given that MOST people have a license then chances are if you do not have one you've lost it.
A less paranoid reason may just be that it's handy to have people in the office that can drive on the off chance it's needed. I have an office job but for projects I sometimes cannot wait for a part or whatever and just drive down and pick stuff up. It's very handy for the business. There are enough potential employees around that have licenses meaning why would any company restrict themselves to someone with less qualifications which MAY come in handy in the future. No one wants to pay taxi rates each time they need you to travel somewhere to pick something up fast.

Some "desk jobs" may require visits to other offices, clients, suppliers, etc. My first IT job involved me driving to a few clients each week using the company car. Car maintenance was paid for by the company.

I've had a few jobs where a current driver's licence was required. In one job, I was there for over 3 years, then out of the blue a manager wanted me to use one of the departmental cars to do something somewhere.
If I'd replied "sorry, I don't have a drivers licence" it would have been very inconvenient for them.
In other words, the requirement's there just in case you need to drive a company car. When you apply they'll ask "do you have a licence" if you say "yes", and then later you drive a company car and get caught driving without a licence, the company can pass the fine onto you.

I expect it simply means at some point the employee may be asked to drive somewhere, pick someone up from the airport or deliver something in a hurry. Being able to go directly to a place without waiting for a bus/taxi etc. is quite useful
I guess only someone without a license wouldn't see the benefit of having one.

I am not suggesting that the OP fits into this category, but the statement made my laugh as I had two friends who were like that.
They were both talented and intelligent but had absolutely no "get up and go" as evidenced by a lack of desire to obtain a drivers licence. They were quite happy to live an easy life at home and bum lifts of Mum and Dad until they were well into their twenties.

One of them only got a licence and moved out of home when he knocked his girlfriend up (obviously too lazy to even use protection)
The other didn't get her licence until well into her 30s, is still living at home, working in a job that is well below her career potential as she missed the boat on good jobs and career development in her 20s becuase she didn't have transport.

I got my licence at 23, but only for the convenience of having a common type of ID.
Still, there have been jobs where I've been asked to take the office car down the street to pick something up. It wasn't on the job spec, as it only needed one person in the team to be able to drive. If it hadn't been me, someone else would have done it.
Likewise, there were times I was asked to go drive to the sister office across town to scum an emergency resupply of particular forms. Again, not technically part of the job, but being able to drive was useful on the day.
It's also useful for things like if you go on vacation – a hire car can be a great idea for getting around a bit faster. You can also do things like drive your friends home from parties in their cars, switch off on long driving trips, help friends with cars move house, that kind of thing.

Fair enough if a job requires the ability to drive. For example if I am a graphic designer required to visit clients in an outer suburb then I can understand how an employer would rate my driving ability as important as my proficiency with Adobe Photoshop. As you implied, it's a business need.

I'm going to go all out here and sound harsh.
I guess you live in a major capital city where the public transport is good. Try living anywhere else where you can't just catch a train or great bus service. I'm a firm believer that every adult should at least attempt to get their license even if they do not own a vehicle or do not perceive the need to get one.
Often a job may require you to transport yourself to a client's place, pick something up etc. Also, it shows your employers that amongst other things:
You are self reliant. You don't have to rely on any one else for a lift etc.
You choose to learn things even if you don't have a current use for it
In case of emergency you can drive a vehicle, even don't own a vehicle or the one there is not yours
You aren't lazy or slack because you didn't get your license

I have lived in Sydney all my life and like Dezhem, felt like there was little need to learn to drive. I still somewhat agree with the OP that driving can be unnecessary if you live in a city with decent public transport but driving is a skill worth having and the sooner you get it the better it is.

Speaking about IT only, for the most part employers put down "current class C drivers license" in the off chance Client X out in Whoop Whoop has a problem with System Y and you're the only one available who can fix it. Of course Whoop Whoop is a three hour drive and Client X has simply forgotten to plug in the power cable.
When a job ad states "current C class and reliable vehicle" then that is a clear indicator they are going to send you on the road with some regularity.

Funny you should mention that, my mum was telling me just the other day how a friend of hers didn't get her license until she was 31 when her boss wanted to transfer her into a sales position. She said, "Oh, I suppose I'll need to get my driver's license then!" The employer didn't realise she didn't drive and told her she had 3 months to learn. So she did, as she wanted the new job. Unfortunately not that simple anymore with the 120 hours requirement though, so good to build up hours gradually if you can so if you're put in that position you're at least on your way.^

I do believe that this form of shaming is going to be a thing of the past though. It was announced a few days ago in Dublin (where I live) that they are building 600 houses in a suburb in South Dublin and there will only be 300 car parking spaces. If you want to live in that area that is on about 4 bus routes + a station then you don't need a car parking space. It's progress.

I think this is called wanting it both ways. Yes he seems to want you to drive him around and most of us have said he is unreasonable to expect this and YANBU to say no.
It follows that you can't expect him to drive so that he can do things for you.
I'm most cases the ideal is that you can help each other, I agree, but I thought this thread was about people who can't drive relying on those who can.

What absolute guff. I've driven him around for 40 years without any complaining until recently when my disability means I can't do long distances any more. I think I'm perfectly reasonable wanting my son to learn to drive so I can very occasionally get a lift to the hospital.
I am his mother not a complete stranger and I've spent his entire life being available for him, so far it's been all one way not both ways.
I'd love to see my parents faces if I just said no I can't help you, you don't drive me around any more.

You have son problems alright! He is not independent and that's the problem.

Yeah I have the same problem with DH. We live in London so don't own a car and so occasionally hire one. He expects me to ferry him up to Birmingham a few times per year to visit his relatives and also on driving holidays. We are going on a driving holiday next week, 3.5 hour drive, and I've not only planned the whole trip from activities to accommodation, but I'll expected to drive and cook every night.

He learnt to drive at 18 and never drove again after getting his licence. I made him promise to learn to drive before our baby was born and we even paid for a bunch of lessons? Has he even tried to drive since the birth 2.5 years ago? No of course not.

Sometimes after we've done a day trip in a hire car he'll come inside and have a nap while I entertain a toddler and cook dinner.

His family think it's a funny quirk and even suggested we drive down to visit them in their holiday house in mid France in autumn - no fucking way am I driving him 12 hours while he sleeps or reads his phone in the back.

Sorry for the rant but I'm just pissed off.

@blurpityblurp how do you know it’s easier to drive to Tesco’s when you don’t drive?

It’s pretty basic common sense that travelling a few miles to a supermarket is less challenging and requires fewer skills and less resourcefulness than travelling across Ecuador by bus or inter-railing through Central Europe. Thus the argument that ALL car drivers have loads of skills and qualities like confidence and independence and ALL non-drivers are meek dependent little mice who sit at home waiting to be taken places is bollocks.

Besides I do know car drivers and I grew up with both parents driving. Learning to travel the world and learning to navigate the public transport systems of foreign countries has certainly taught me far more than learning to drive would have done.

@ffslearntodrive Yeah it sounds like your husband not driving is the biggest problem you have there doesn't it 🙄

@ffslearntodrive

You married him knowing he doesn't drive... I presume he has other qualities?

@blurpityblurp so if it’s so easy why don’t you drive?

[quote DeeTractor]@ffslearntodrive Yeah it sounds like your husband not driving is the biggest problem you have there doesn't it 🙄[/quote]
Exactly!

blurpityblurp Even in London I would refuse to take an uber. I would refuse to go in one regardless of where I lived.

I am his mother
true, but he isnt a child, why are you allowing him to manipulate you by behaving like one?

He expects me to ferry him up to Birmingham a few times per year to visit his relatives and also on driving holidays
so why not tell him no, that doesnt work for you anymore?

what is the matter with you people?
If someone says 'Jump' why do you feel compelled to say 'how high?' rather than 'jump yourself mate'

@ffslearntodrive he's a selfish ,lazy fucker which has nothing to do with his ability to drive. Not driving doesn't stop him from organising trips,cooking for everyone, entertaining the child while you have a rest etc.

Would you still resent it if all you had to do was just drive and enjoy yourself because he sorted/took care of everything else ?

In all the posts over the years about non driving adults not one of the non drivers expect lifts. Ever. It's amazing, as in real life every non driver (through choice, not medically) I've ever met wants a lift. They say things like 'are you going to so and so, I'll come with you' or 'what time are you leaving, I'll just come with you, I'll fit in with you'.
Or ' I'm going to the party too, but I'll have to wait till DH gets home to take me so I'll be late'......hence the drivers say that they'll pick you up.
Non drivers that I've known see themselves as no trouble and don't expect any lifts. You'd never understand unless you're a driver. It's a subtle guilt trip.

I don’t know how anyone can even consider being in an adult relationship with someone who can’t get themselves from A to B. It would be like being married to some kind of man child.
You shouldn’t be driving anywhere whilst on tramadol OP , never kind going on a long journey. He should sort himself out.

Social workers need to drive out to people's homes. That's one job. IT as well. Veterinarians? Travel to homes/farms. GPs? Same thing. I could go on and on.

Is this an argument for all adults needing to drive? Like I'm suddenly going to turn into a veterinarian at short notice. Surely you know if you're going to apply to a job where that sort of thing is likely or not?

Dh is an archaeologist. For 20 years he worked for an urban firm where a licence was not required. He walked to work and to sites across the city. Then they switched to more rural work and he got a licence. Still doesn't mean he hadn't saved masses of money and done his bit for the urban environment during all those years he walked to work.

I am an academic. There are no conceivable circumstances under which I would need a licence to do my job. If the buses stop running it would only take me a little over an hour to walk to work- I could manage that. I lived for 42 years of my life without a car, I was fine. My brother is 55, still fine. My mum and dad are 88, no problem.

Most GPs in the UK live in built-up areas and many do not need to drive. Most vets in urban practices won't need to either. I imagine many IT workers won't need to either. When I require IT support, I ring my IT support centre and they talk me through it on the phone.

Social workers probably do need to, but doesn't mean everybody else should have to just to encourage social workers. Let them get on with it!

Many employers actively try to deter employees from driving. Like mine, like BarbedBloom's.

So yes, of course workers who need to drive for their jobs need to get licences. Any such employer would be right to sack them if they didn't.

But if those of us who can manage without do so, then pollution will be less and fewer people will die of respiratory disorders. Is there a problem with this?