Grown men who can't drive

[madcatladyforever]

AIBU or what! Just had a row with my DS who is not talking to me because he can't drive at 40 years old. There is no good reason why not, he's done all the lessons just can't be bothered to take the test.
His wife ferries him about everywhere despite the fact she's in very poor health and shouldn't even be on the road in my opinion.
He wanted me to collect him for the weekend a 7 hour round trip and I said no, I have slipped discs and I'm on tramadol, I can't drive for 7 hours.
I don't see why we should be unpaid chauffeurs all the time and I'm not doing it any more.
Not being able to drive completely limits their lives, they can't live in a rural area which they want to do, he can only take a job there is public transport too and he can't drive to any big store out of town and pick up furniture or tools or whatever.
It is driving me mad and I said to his wife, stop ferrying him about, he needs to get his license. What happens if you have to go into hospital - who is going to drive you there and back.
Now he is furious with me for "interfering" but if your mother can't say it who can.
I get the test is scary but if we never did anything because we were nervous we'd never achieve anything in our lives.

I can think of many reasons it would come in handy (abandoned in a remote location/trapped/held hostage etc), it is just blows my mind that it isn't considered important in the UK. I am so grateful I grew up where I am and was instilled with the value of self reliance and independence.

You really are the gift that keeps giving, @Timekeeper1.

"Is it an automatic rule of Mumsnet that anyone who can't drive, is automatically a dependent type who demands to be "ferried about"?"

Yes.

Yes, and it's the absolute selfishness of her husband to just let her juggle it all that to me, signifies the attitudes on here.

Plenty of men that do drive still leave it all for the wife/partner. Plenty of driving men have no interest or involvement in their children's life or extracurriculars.

The lack of driving could possibly be a symptom, but it's definitely not the cause.

@DeeTractor

"Is it an automatic rule of Mumsnet that anyone who can't drive, is automatically a dependent type who demands to be "ferried about"?"

Yes.

Then it's a more narrow-minded place than I ever realised!

There is no need to be so rude to me @Timekeeper1 seriously -you're just shouting your experience to me because you had a blind parent and had to catch the bus.

I am not being 'rude', nor 'shouting' my experience. Maybe have a look at your own rude and snarky posts to me. I simply posted that because I felt you were being short-sighted. You never know when you will need to drive, you never know when your situation can change in the blink of an eye. My post was simply to serve as a timely reminder. It seems though you didn't pick up on it.

@GinDaddyRedux wanna be my driving martyr friend?

[quote Timekeeper1]@DeeTractor Even disregarding my own situation (which taught me things can change in the blink of an eye so never presume you won't need your licence), it's still considered an important life skill in Australia to drive. I can think of many reasons it would come in handy (abandoned in a remote location/trapped/held hostage etc), it is just blows my mind that it isn't considered important in the UK. I am so grateful I grew up where I am and was instilled with the value of self reliance and independence. The attitude coming from some in the UK is something that my mind simply cannot process. Imo it is laziness and a lack of drive (for want of a better word, sorry). Dad's work accident where he went blind simply reinforced that. It shows why the UK attitude is not a good attitude to have.[/quote]
I moved out when I was 18. I worked in a school for 30 hours a week which paid me £800 a month. I had an evening job which paid me £50 per week. I attended university part-time in the evenings.
Out of my main monthly earnings I paid:
£260- my share of the rent
£40- my share of gas and electric
£80 travel to get to my two jobs and to my university course
£20- my share of the water bill
£70 my share of the council tax
£6- my share of the tv licence
£30- my share of the internet and sky bill
£200 on food
I put £30 away every month for Christmas to be able to afford to buy presents
£50 per month left for additional costs like dentist visits, university course books, family birthdays.
The money I earn from my second job (£50 per week) I spent on having one night out a week, toiletries and the odd new item of clothing because I was 18-23 and life was grim and tough enough without missing out on a social life.
How could I have curbed my lazy British attitude into learning to drive? I wish I had been as resilient and independent as you 😏

*A lot of properties in the UK do not have a front garden, even if it does if it doesn’t already have a dropped curb you need permission from the local council to have the curb dropped and you must use their approved contractor. Your garden also has to be a certain length (I think it’s about 4m) and so for many people their front garden simply isn’t long enough even if they do have a front garden. Some councils also only allow a certain number of driveways per road, where as others insist a driveway is water permeable, so you then have the cost of installing the actual driveway.

I live in an expensive borough, I don’t think I have ever seen a front garden more than about 2m long and very very few houses here, including large detached homes have front gardens. If I wanted a home with a front garden here I would need around £4,000,000.*

:O That sounds absolutely horrific, @SimonJT Truly terrible! Someone should do something about that, and get it all changed, maybe via your local council.

@Timekeeper1

*A lot of properties in the UK do not have a front garden, even if it does if it doesn’t already have a dropped curb you need permission from the local council to have the curb dropped and you must use their approved contractor. Your garden also has to be a certain length (I think it’s about 4m) and so for many people their front garden simply isn’t long enough even if they do have a front garden. Some councils also only allow a certain number of driveways per road, where as others insist a driveway is water permeable, so you then have the cost of installing the actual driveway.

I live in an expensive borough, I don’t think I have ever seen a front garden more than about 2m long and very very few houses here, including large detached homes have front gardens. If I wanted a home with a front garden here I would need around £4,000,000.*

:O That sounds absolutely horrific, @SimonJT Truly terrible! Someone should do something about that, and get it all changed, maybe via your local council.

Yes, I’m sure the local council will magic up excess landmass and made it cheap enough for everyone to have a front garden.

@blurpityblurp Last time I checked, this board was an international forum with people from all around the world. I recall posters saying they were from Canada, America, New Zealand, Italy, etc etc.

Might it not have been a good idea then not to call people lazy and without values because they don't arrange their lives according to Australian circumstances?

I grew up in Sweden where skiing is a life skill, and spotting the signs of frostbite, and knowing how to rescue someone from a hole in the ice. I am willing to concede that you may be a fully functioning adult in Australia without any of those skills. So why can't you concede that you can live e.g. in a village in the south of England and be independent through cycling, walking and public transport, and that values and skills are not useless because they are adapted to a different culture?

@SimonJT

The attached image is a fairly average set of newbuilds that have been popular for the last at least 15 years in the UK. New housing developers also like building garages that are too narrow for a car to actually fit inside!

That, is hideous. Wow, sorry yikes but I thought new builds would be modern with a front/back yard and driveway/car port. That, is absolutely terrible! I could never live like that, with walls adjoining and no yard. If I was going to give up suburban living, and live on top of each other like a tin of sardines, I would want to live in a luxury highrise to make up for the loss of lifestyle. If people argue against that type of 'building', surely council would stop making them?

That sounds absolutely horrific, @SimonJT Truly terrible! Someone should do something about that, and get it all changed, maybe via your local council.

Where I live all the streets were laid out around 1900 with narrow pavements and not very wide streets, because land was already expensive in those days. Bit late to change them now without pulling people's houses down and they might not like that.

You never know when you will need to drive, you never know when your situation can change in the blink of an eye.

I cannot imagine any hypothetical situation where I would need to drive, and my life has been pretty dramatic and varied.

To use the pandemic as an example: I didn’t use any form of public transport for 2-3 months (by choice: there’s a tube and train station and numerous bus stops a 3 minute walk away). I also couldn’t get any online grocery slots for at least the first couple of months. It was perfectly fine and apart from one outing to a local historic site/forest being slightly too long a walk for my comfort, I wouldn’t have been able to make use of a car even if I’d had one.

If people argue against that type of 'building', surely council would stop making them?

And then were would people live? Most people in the UK can't afford the kind of housing standard that would be normal in Australia or in Scandinavia or any other place where land is plentiful. If affordable housing isn't built they'll be homeless.

My dad was a non driver. My mum bought me driving lessons for my 17 th birthday, though I didn't want them (because she was fed up of ferrying us around). I hated learning to drive and it took me five tests to pass.

But Jeeeze am I grateful to her in hindsight. It's so much easier to get that over and done when you're young. I'd have avoided it totally as an adult. For financial reasons as well as nerves.

So yes, I saw it as part of my own parenting, to make sure that my own kids had their driving license before they flew the nest.

"That, is hideous. Wow, sorry yikes but I thought new builds would be modern with a front/back yard and driveway/car port. That, is absolutely terrible! I could never live like that, with walls adjoining and no yard. If I was going to give up suburban living, and live on top of each other like a tin of sardines, I would want to live in a luxury highrise to make up for the loss of lifestyle. If people argue against that type of 'building', surely council would stop making them?"

This has to be a troll.

If councils make land available for larger buildings (and I suppose they'd have to fund the added cost out of taxes if they wanted anyone to afford them), they would basically have to cut down the trees and build over the greenery of southern England, at least. That would have hideous consequences for people's health.

I've often not had cars, when living somewhere with decent transport links (although I'm not denying that getting the groceries with a newborn strapped to my front wasn't challenging...), or when too skint to own one (started out on a motorbike for that exact reason).

Some places and living styles it's fine. Some places taxis are cheap and plentiful, so it's fine. Some it's not.

My BIL lives in some mildly remote bit of Scotland, he has 2 kids, and has never bothered learning too drive (he uses these words himself). So his 72 year old mother drives up there to visit him and the kids, or his ex-wife picks her up from the airport (his ex is lovely, as is MIL - BIL is fine, but bone-idle in many ways). I do think that he is indeed leaning on other people rather than make a bit of effort himself personally.

Actually I have decided that everyone should know at least another language or two. Especially with all the foreign holidays people take. To not do so is just lazy, curbs your independence and it's relying on other people to translate/learn your language.

Plus how do you expect to negotiate your own hostage situation or get help from a remote farm when you've been abandoned in an unpopulated area.

Come on then, get cracking! It's a life skill!!

If people argue against that type of 'building', surely council would stop making them?

Obviously (many) British people don’t find them unspeakably terrible.

If we wanted houses with loads of open space and no neighbours we’d move to Australia. Or North Wales. Or NotLondon.

@MeadowHay Are you learning in a manual? Just wondering because a manual can be complicated and I've found a lot of women just prefer to learn to drive an automatic, it's so much easier if you have anxiety and difficulties learning.

If people argue against that type of 'building', surely council would stop making them?

This thread is getting more ridiculous with every page.

We have a shortage of housing. You're allowed to build practically anything these days. The government really aren't interested in whether new builds are beautiful or not. I've seen some absolute monstrosities - the ones in that photo actually look nice.

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble It's actually a reason used in Australia. Get the keys while they're sleeping/out of the room or whatever, and race out and into the car.

Or what if you're at a dinner with friends, the driver has had a medical emergency and no one else can drive? And an ambo could take a while getting to you? Just because you haven't thought of these things, doesn't mean they don't make sense or are 'ridiculous'.

There is literally no point learning manual now, electrics are all auto. I can drive both and always go for autos.

It would be like learning to use a twin tub or chucking the kettle out & using the hob to boil water.