Grown men who can't drive

[madcatladyforever]

AIBU or what! Just had a row with my DS who is not talking to me because he can't drive at 40 years old. There is no good reason why not, he's done all the lessons just can't be bothered to take the test.
His wife ferries him about everywhere despite the fact she's in very poor health and shouldn't even be on the road in my opinion.
He wanted me to collect him for the weekend a 7 hour round trip and I said no, I have slipped discs and I'm on tramadol, I can't drive for 7 hours.
I don't see why we should be unpaid chauffeurs all the time and I'm not doing it any more.
Not being able to drive completely limits their lives, they can't live in a rural area which they want to do, he can only take a job there is public transport too and he can't drive to any big store out of town and pick up furniture or tools or whatever.
It is driving me mad and I said to his wife, stop ferrying him about, he needs to get his license. What happens if you have to go into hospital - who is going to drive you there and back.
Now he is furious with me for "interfering" but if your mother can't say it who can.
I get the test is scary but if we never did anything because we were nervous we'd never achieve anything in our lives.

@DeeTractor Even disregarding my own situation (which taught me things can change in the blink of an eye so never presume you won't need your licence), it's still considered an important life skill in Australia to drive. I can think of many reasons it would come in handy (abandoned in a remote location/trapped/held hostage etc), it is just blows my mind that it isn't considered important in the UK. I am so grateful I grew up where I am and was instilled with the value of self reliance and independence. The attitude coming from some in the UK is something that my mind simply cannot process. Imo it is laziness and a lack of drive (for want of a better word, sorry). Dad's work accident where he went blind simply reinforced that. It shows why the UK attitude is not a good attitude to have.

[quote Timekeeper1]**@SimonJT* Parking spaces easily add £40-60k to the price of a property, or you can buy a parking space for £20-30k ( www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-69331293.html). Carparks are also very expensive.*

I simply do not understand that at all, it makes no sense. Unless you live inner city terraced houses (almost no terraced houses at all in Australia) or a high rise apartment, you'd have a front yard/driveway, right? So since it's on your own property, you shouldn't need to pay thousand of $ (sorry, I don't have the pound symbol). I simply don't understand how on earth you could pay that money, unless you are in a high rise or terraced house. Your front yard is free.[/quote]
A lot of properties in the UK do not have a front garden, even if it does if it doesn’t already have a dropped curb you need permission from the local council to have the curb dropped and you must use their approved contractor. Your garden also has to be a certain length (I think it’s about 4m) and so for many people their front garden simply isn’t long enough even if they do have a front garden. Some councils also only allow a certain number of driveways per road, where as others insist a driveway is water permeable, so you then have the cost of installing the actual driveway.

I live in an expensive borough, I don’t think I have ever seen a front garden more than about 2m long and very very few houses here, including large detached homes have front gardens. If I wanted a home with a front garden here I would need around £4,000,000.

I’m registered blind and my dh is epileptic so we both can’t drive.

So your husband or DC can drive you, @Devlesko ? How wonderful that they are there for you.

Imagine if neither of them had their licence....

I’ve lived in five countries in three continents and never needed a car, been reliant on lifts/taxis, or felt that I was missing out on not driving.

I don’t have the slightest desire to live or visit anywhere “very rural” and I can’t imagine my life will ever take me to any of those places (not counting foreign holidays).

People do what’s right for their life choices.

If you don’t drive you are still relying on someone with a vehicle, whether its a bus, coach or taxi, trains don’t go everywhere you need to go

I have legs. I can often rely on those to complete the bits of my journey that a train/ tram/ bus/ taxi will not cover or for which I do not wish to pay to cover.

Also, do you not regard trains as vehicles? How do you class them?

assume you live in one of the big cities.

Nope just a small town. In fact it's so small it's considered a suburb of a bigger one (but not a massive one, think Watford for example) .

It's just that my life mostly suits not having a car and I'm fairly independent. If I really couldn't manage without, I'd probably try driving a car but I doubt it would be that good of an idea given my anxiety about it and eye sight issues.

The attached image is a fairly average set of newbuilds that have been popular for the last at least 15 years in the UK. New housing developers also like building garages that are too narrow for a car to actually fit inside!

I assume you live in one of the big cities.

Not necessarily. My ILs didn't. My parents didn't. I know people who don't. If you think about it, car ownership is a recent development. People used to be stronger walkers. Probably quite healthy.

Is being kidnapped and held hostage in an abandoned area a major problem in Australia?

Not quite seeing how being able to drive would help in that situation.

@blurpityblurp Last time I checked, this board was an international forum with people from all around the world. I recall posters saying they were from Canada, America, New Zealand, Italy, etc etc.

It's one thing not being able to drive (for whatever reason) but not ok to expect to be ferried about all the time.

My DP on,y started driving ,ast year aged 40. We have been together for two years and it caused major rows. Because unfortunately because of my disability i can’t drive. And it’s totally changed our lives we go out and about everywhere now.

@QuimJongUn Make your DH do the shopping then, he may change his attitude about driving quick smart then!

See I find this hard.

On the one hand I think YABU - I don't think it's any of your business really and I also don't think anyone is obligated to learnt how to drive. It's perfectly possible to live without driving. For context I'm in my twenties, autistic and have severe anxiety and I've hard nearly 40hrs of (ongoing) lessons and am still driving a very small limited area on lessons and still stalling almost every lesson. It really may not be possible for me to learn at all but my parents aren't aware of the severity of my anxiety and they are in denial about my coordination difficulties etc and don't even know about my autism diagnosis.

On the other hand I think if you don't drive, especially where theres no additional needs or reasons why it may be particularly difficult to learn, you can't rely on other people to ferry you about all the time. I used to live a 2hr drive away from my DPs, 3hrs via train. Only my DF drives and there is no way in hell I would ever have asked him to drive up to collect me and take me to visit. Me and DH would just get the train. We never ask for lifts anywhere either but we will occasionally accept one if offered.

I can think of many reasons it would come in handy (abandoned in a remote location/trapped/held hostage etc)

How the hell would being able to drive help with being held hostage?

Or if you're trapped somewhere?

You're just being ridiculous now.

@Timekeeper1, be serious, you cannot honestly be saying that because driving is essential for life in rural areas of Australia, people in urban areas of Britain for whom driving is not essential must drive anyway?

@madcatladyforever

You cannot expect someone else to drive so that they can help you out.

Why not, he expects me and his wife to help him out all the time. And its a sad day when families don't help each other out if they can. I would hate not being able to help my mum out. She can't drive anymore as she's too old and I'd be there like a flash if she needed hospital treatment and a ride home.

I think this is called wanting it both ways. Yes he seems to want you to drive him around and most of us have said he is unreasonable to expect this and YANBU to say no.

It follows that you can't expect him to drive so that he can do things for you.

I'm most cases the ideal is that you can help each other, I agree, but I thought this thread was about people who can't drive relying on those who can.

"I can think of many reasons it would come in handy (abandoned in a remote location/trapped/held hostage etc)"

Does this happen to you often?

I have plenty of friends who don’t drive: can’t drive, don’t think they need a car in zone 3 London, can’t afford a flash car so don’t bother- I drive a 2013 hatch back that costs me a hell of a lot less than Uber’s and a travel card.
Every single friend who doesn’t drive at some point requires a lift; they may not ask directly but you try leaving them after a meal when it’s raining to catch the bus- and if they don’t require a lift you feel Obligated to choose a spot to meet convenient for them. I can’t bear it!

I have a good friend whose DH doesn’t drive, he just doesn’t want to. So much is put upon her. They have 4 children that need ferrying about to various things and she is the only one who can do most them. It’s not a fair share of responsibility.

Yes, and it's the absolute selfishness of her husband to just let her juggle it all that to me, signifies the attitudes on here. Of course some are happy not to drive - when they have someone else ferrying them everywhere. That's what I mean about selfishness and the bad attitude. One should want to drive, if only not to put the whole load on someone else. But these types of people don't care about anyone but themselves. They've got it good, they have a maid driving them everywhere.

Timekeeper1 but it’s still a British forum, based in the UK, where the majority of posters are British, that takes the UK as standard unless stated otherwise. It’s still really rude to visit a foreign country forum and yell at everyone for not behaving exactly like your country when the physical landscape and factors in your country are completely different. (Being “held hostage in a remote area” ffs.)

It’s like me visiting an Australian forum to yell that all Australians should wear thick wool jumpers and roast turkeys and make hot chocolate for Christmas, because of the danger of catching cold, and refuse to listen to people pointing out that December is summer in Australia and therefore pretty warm.

@EngagedAgain

It's one thing not being able to drive (for whatever reason) but not ok to expect to be ferried about all the time.

Is it an automatic rule of Mumsnet that anyone who can't drive, is automatically a dependent type who demands to be "ferried about"?

Is it also an automatic rule that everyone on here has to be tight and disgruntled about offering lifts?

I've accepted lifts for about a decade, and given lifts for about another decade.

No one seems to accept the concept of "paying it forward". I don't count who accepts lifts. I don't offer anything that would fundamentally inconvenience me but I don't live my life looking for things to grumble about

Seriously people, it's a lift. Either offer them in good faith, or stop offering altogether. It's so passive aggressive it's hilarious.

Dad's work accident where he went blind simply reinforced that. It shows why the UK attitude is not a good attitude to have.

If my dad had gone blind, how would him being used to driving had helped at all? Wouldn't it have been much better that both he and my mum were used to walking everywhere and making use of whatever public transport there was?

I am so grateful I grew up where I am and was instilled with the value of self reliance and independence.

What about values of looking after our environment?

A lot of us have explained that in the UK you can sometimes get away without driving even outside of the big cities. I have pointed out repeatedly that there are concerns around pollution. Isn't it better then that those of us who can do so without inconveniencing others make an effort to use the most environmentally friendly mode of transport we can- which is often going to be a bicycle or Shank's mares?

Why is it lazy when my son walks 3 miles to work rather than use a car? How does it inconvenience anyone? How is it not a good choice?

@Timekeeper1

I have a good friend whose DH doesn’t drive, he just doesn’t want to. So much is put upon her. They have 4 children that need ferrying about to various things and she is the only one who can do most them. It’s not a fair share of responsibility.

Yes, and it's the absolute selfishness of her husband to just let her juggle it all that to me, signifies the attitudes on here. Of course some are happy not to drive - when they have someone else ferrying them everywhere. That's what I mean about selfishness and the bad attitude. One should want to drive, if only not to put the whole load on someone else. But these types of people don't care about anyone but themselves. They've got it good, they have a maid driving them everywhere.

Are they happily married? Does DH perhaps contribute in other areas perhaps (and I'm not automatically suggesting finance here either before people start).

If they're happily married and accept each other's limitations, then who's business is it to be so concerned about who is "selfish".

I mean, who would seriously post an angry face about someone else's situation that has no relevance to them?