Grown men who can't drive

[madcatladyforever]

AIBU or what! Just had a row with my DS who is not talking to me because he can't drive at 40 years old. There is no good reason why not, he's done all the lessons just can't be bothered to take the test.
His wife ferries him about everywhere despite the fact she's in very poor health and shouldn't even be on the road in my opinion.
He wanted me to collect him for the weekend a 7 hour round trip and I said no, I have slipped discs and I'm on tramadol, I can't drive for 7 hours.
I don't see why we should be unpaid chauffeurs all the time and I'm not doing it any more.
Not being able to drive completely limits their lives, they can't live in a rural area which they want to do, he can only take a job there is public transport too and he can't drive to any big store out of town and pick up furniture or tools or whatever.
It is driving me mad and I said to his wife, stop ferrying him about, he needs to get his license. What happens if you have to go into hospital - who is going to drive you there and back.
Now he is furious with me for "interfering" but if your mother can't say it who can.
I get the test is scary but if we never did anything because we were nervous we'd never achieve anything in our lives.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken exactly.

@XDownwiththissortofthingX

Driving a 'life skill' and a 'fact of life'

Just when you think Mumsnet has hit peak First World entitlement, arrogance, and privilege, yet another thread pops up to prove you wrong.

I shouldn't be surprised, but...

I know right

I was a late learner, I’m glad I did. Public transport where I live is crap and DD would be very limited to what a activities she could do if I couldn’t get her there. DH works long hours so we would be very stuck for things to do. It was fine when DD was small but got harder and more expensive not to be able to drive.

I have a good friend whose DH doesn’t drive, he just doesn’t want to. So much is put upon her. They have 4 children that need ferrying about to various things and she is the only one who can do most them. It’s not a fair share of responsibility.

@GinDaddyRedux Have things like needing to see a specialist, ie specialist medical appointments and such even entered your head? Especially if a person is semi-rural or rural and the buses timetables don't match up? I guess not. Perhaps you grew up in the inner city, too, so these thoughts never entered your head because there is always a taxi somewhere 24/7. That isn't the case for many people. And as the daughter of a father who went blind in her teen years and mother who due to medical issues couldn't drive, getting up at 4:30/5am in the morning to catch the 6:02am bus (no trains, and a taxi would cost may $400 one way) into the nearest town for a medical appointment or job appointment that lasted 20 mins, then having to hang around until 5:20pm when the only bus returning home (one bus in/out per weekday) would depart, I know from experience it is no life at all! And doing the fortnightly grocery shopping or buying heavy goods (no delivery to RURAL areas) to bring back on the bus and have to carry it back from the bus stop, when your car drives you right to your own home) - IMPOSSIBLE!

I guess the privilege on here is not coming from those who drive, but from those who live in the city and so have never needed to stop and consider these things.

Do you think people who “choose” to rent instead of conjuring up a 10% house deposit to buy are just too stupid to realise they’re not making sound investments or too lazy to apply for a mortgage?

You say that @AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken but there was a divorce thread this morning (about the marital home and who should get what) in which the OP very seriously explained that her STBXH hated renting, he hated it so very much, she told us, that he had just had to buy a house as soon as he got his first real job. Poor lamb.

Or only everyone else shared his hatred, we would all have got on the property ladder at 21.

If^

I don’t go out after dark/walk on my own/walk in the woods.

Are you a man? I don’t know any woman who would “roll her eyes” at women taking the precautions many women feel they have to take as a matter of course to avoid unwanted violent or sexual attention. Personally I do all of those things, but women being vigilant about avoiding putting themselves into situations where they might be raped is a perfectly reasonable (albeit it’s sad they have to) mentality considering the world we are living in.

I don't get how independence is seen as driving a car. Or, what is so wonderful about independence, what do you want to be independant from?
My dh or dc usually drive me if the rare chance happens I can't get there on my own steam. Weird concept that I'd want to be independant from my family.

You reap what you sow OP. I say this specifically for your situation. You can't complain that your son is 40 and can't drive when it seems you molly coddled him, being his personal chauffeur for years until he got his chauffeur wife. If you wanted him to drive you shouldn't have ferried gim everywhere.

Nice drip feed there, @Timekeeper1. If you said literally anything like this in the first place you would not have had such a harsh response. If you had even said that for YOU not driving would not have been an option due to your circumstances that would be fine. But no, you had slate all non-drivers as weird, immature, literally no one where you live doesn't drive because that's just so strange, it's essential, blah blah blah.

Some of you sound so overly reliant on your cars that it worries me. Like you would really struggle to cope if they were gone. Develop new skills, work out how you would manage if you couldn't drive- it will be good for you to broaden your horizons a bit! An adult stumped at the thought of coping without a car? How unattractive. I could never date anyone so limited. Honestly, if you're not up to date on how to get around without a car, you're really lacking in life skills. Are you even real? No one will want to have sex with you. One day someone will want to divorce you for your need to have a car. I'm amazed you have any friends, you must be driving them all mad with your insistence on going to places with good parking rather then growing up and getting a bus.

@Sirzy

Nobody should be forced into driving. It’s much better actually for people to be sensible and know driving isn’t for them than to do it even if they may not be safe on the roads.

That said it isn’t unreasonable for anyone to say no to giving lifts either if it doesn’t fit with them

This! My dad tried several times to learn but eventually admitted defeat, he just didnt have the skills and would have been a danger on the road.

I hate driving! I have a cheap little run around car but i always try to walk / get public transport unless essential.

I haven’t been inside a car in probably two years. In my entire adult life, I’ve rarely been inside a car except when abroad (taxis). I just have no need for them.

Different people have different lifestyles.

@SimonJT Parking spaces easily add £40-60k to the price of a property, or you can buy a parking space for £20-30k ( www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-69331293.html). Carparks are also very expensive.

I simply do not understand that at all, it makes no sense. Unless you live inner city terraced houses (almost no terraced houses at all in Australia) or a high rise apartment, you'd have a front yard/driveway, right? So since it's on your own property, you shouldn't need to pay thousand of $ (sorry, I don't have the pound symbol). I simply don't understand how on earth you could pay that money, unless you are in a high rise or terraced house. Your front yard is free.

Timekeeper1, why should your experience in a country very different from the one where this board is located be held as some kind of general rule for everybody, regardless of where they live? Surely from an environmental pov you should be praying that everybody who can avoid contributing the global warming should make their very best effort to do so?

Obviously there will be people who can't. But equally there will be people who while they may not live in inner cities will find the inconvenience of walking a few miles a small price to pay for the environment. My parents did. Small market town, limited bus service.

@Waxonwaxoff0

I roll my eyes when people say driving is an essential life skill. Is it really that hard to grasp that everyone's situation is different and what is essential for you might not be for someone else?

I agree. However it's nigh on impossible for dozens of users on this thread it seems.

We don’t have “front yards” in Britain.

Stop projecting the norms of a foreign country onto a British forum.

@Timekeeper1 if you live in Australia you will obviously have different experiences. This is a predominantly UK based site. Australia is a lot more rural and a LOT less densely populated than the UK. There are plenty of places here where a car isn't a necessity.

I simply do not understand that at all, it makes no sense. Unless you live inner city terraced houses (almost no terraced houses at all in Australia) or a high rise apartment, you'd have a front yard/driveway, right? So since it's on your own property, you shouldn't need to pay thousand of $ (sorry, I don't have the pound symbol). I simply don't understand how on earth you could pay that money, unless you are in a high rise or terraced house. Your front yard is free.

Even in the suburbs, a lot of houses have been converted into flats, so a house which used to be for one family can now be accommodating four or five familes. There aren't that many parking spaces on everyone's driveway.

@blurpityblurp

We don’t have “front yards” in Britain.

Stop projecting the norms of a foreign country onto a British forum.

You couldn't adapt to the helpful hint she posted (driveway) and do the legwork yourself?

Just no need to be pedantic. I knew what she meant.

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

I moved countries at 23. I have a job. Do all the school runs, doctors appts, most playdates and parties. I visit and have friends, local, hours away and even in Scotland. I take DD for long days out into London(we don't live in London), fairs,parks,lidos, farms etc. I go out and sort most things for myself independently. OH drives but sometimes works away for months, and can't say I miss him or I'm rocking away in a corner, a blubbering mess because the driver is gone.

What exactly is not independent about my life ? How is my life lacking in skills?

I assume you live in one of the big cities.

I simply do not understand that at all, it makes no sense

Timekeeper1, given MN is a British site why can't you understand if posters cite British experiences? Plenty of semi-detached houses and even some detached houses don't have a front drive in the UK. Parking space is scarce. Everything is on a different scale. I can actually walk to the next town from my own.

Roads get horrendously packed even outside of cities and it is often quicker to get around on foot. Certainly much quicker to get around by bike in many parts of the country.

In southern England at least, it is also often possible to access villages and the countryside by train or bus. Dh and I are working on a project that involves recording countryside features: we only take the car if we absolutely have to, can easily cover 3-4 villages on foot in an afternoon.

[quote Timekeeper1]**@GinDaddyRedux* Have things like needing to see a specialist, ie specialist medical appointments and such even entered your head? Especially if a person is semi-rural or rural and the buses timetables don't match up? I guess not. Perhaps you grew up in the inner city, too, so these thoughts never entered your head because there is always a taxi somewhere 24/7. That isn't the case for many people. And as the daughter of a father who went blind in her teen years and mother who due to medical issues couldn't drive, getting up at 4:30/5am in the morning to catch the 6:02am bus (no trains, and a taxi would cost may $400 one way) into the nearest town for a medical appointment or job appointment that lasted 20 mins, then having to hang around until 5:20pm when the only bus returning home (one bus in/out per weekday) would depart, I know from experience it is no life at all*! And doing the fortnightly grocery shopping or buying heavy goods (no delivery to RURAL areas) to bring back on the bus and have to carry it back from the bus stop, when your car drives you right to your own home) - IMPOSSIBLE!

I guess the privilege on here is not coming from those who drive, but from those who live in the city and so have never needed to stop and consider these things.[/quote]
There is no need to be so rude to me @Timekeeper1 seriously -you're just shouting your experience to me because you had a blind parent and had to catch the bus.

I'm sorry you experienced this stuff growing up. Does it give you the right to assume that I could never imagine it?

Of course I know rural areas are a devil to get around without a car.

Why however does that give certain posters on here the right to say "driving is a LIFE SKILL" just because that's their lived experience?

Just as I haven't been using my city life to say "driving isn't a life skill" , perhaps others could drop the life skill nonsense and accept that horses are for courses, and rural people rely on cars more - it doesn't apply to everyone everywhere.

I couldn’t cope without my car. The city I live in Was built for the car. A local journey that would take 10 mins in a car takes an hour on a bus. I have to go to my horse twice a day 6.30am. There is no public transport to the village, a taxi would have to wait an hour while I finished my jobs. Then again in the evening. There is also picking up heavy objects for my parents and taking them to the tip, if you didn’t have a car it would be impossible. If you don’t drive you are still relying on someone with a vehicle, whether its a bus, coach or taxi, trains don’t go everywhere you need to go. If you’re happy not driving fine, i’m so glad I have a car outside my front door that I can jump into and go. I don’t have to hang around waiting for anyone.