Grown men who can't drive

[madcatladyforever]

AIBU or what! Just had a row with my DS who is not talking to me because he can't drive at 40 years old. There is no good reason why not, he's done all the lessons just can't be bothered to take the test.
His wife ferries him about everywhere despite the fact she's in very poor health and shouldn't even be on the road in my opinion.
He wanted me to collect him for the weekend a 7 hour round trip and I said no, I have slipped discs and I'm on tramadol, I can't drive for 7 hours.
I don't see why we should be unpaid chauffeurs all the time and I'm not doing it any more.
Not being able to drive completely limits their lives, they can't live in a rural area which they want to do, he can only take a job there is public transport too and he can't drive to any big store out of town and pick up furniture or tools or whatever.
It is driving me mad and I said to his wife, stop ferrying him about, he needs to get his license. What happens if you have to go into hospital - who is going to drive you there and back.
Now he is furious with me for "interfering" but if your mother can't say it who can.
I get the test is scary but if we never did anything because we were nervous we'd never achieve anything in our lives.

@dodgeballchamp In that case, they take most of their lessons in their dad's/mum's car before they take a few formal ones to finish up for the test. But again, it's about priorities and education. Getting your licence simply isn't considered optional where I am. I am just coming from that perspective. Also, most people don't live in the inner city. So London is completely different.

What a horrible attitude. If your boyfriend/husband/partner became unable to drive due to illness or disability, would they become less "manly"? What does "manly" mean, anyway?

It's probably why some men are so against wearing masks. They think judgy women will find them 'unmanly or some other such nonsense.

@Coffeepot72

I know I'm going to get shot down for saying this but: I was once asked out by a very attractive man, who couldn't drive. His inability to drive completed emasculated him (IMO) and despite the fact that he was really good looking, I decided not to date him.

At least you were honest about it.

I'm pretty disgusted at all the people on here who postively hate a characteristic of their spouse, yet willingly entered into a relationship/marriage with them; only to use that characteristic as a stick to beat them with and bitch about them on social media. Talk about abusive.

I feel some people are being overly-defensive because they realise what they're missing out on?

In my case, we didn't use to have a car and now we do. So nope.

I still can't see how anyone who finds having to wait at a bus stop or dig out the bus fare too difficult can possibly complain about other people being childish or unmanly.

As for walking being primitive- it may be but it is also extremely good for you. My parents were fitter and more mobile at 80 than many of their friends by the time they reached 60. Walking is good for the legs.

Tbh there are somethings like make me inwardly roll my eyes when people say them 1. I can’t drive, 2. I can’t cook, 3. I don’t go out after dark/walk on my own/walk in the woods.

Unless there’s a medical reason, everyone should be able to drive. It’s a life skill.

[quote Timekeeper1]@HowFastIsTooFast Well said! It costs far more money in the long run, to not have a car. And being able to go ANYWHERE whenever YOU want is a major bonus. I feel some people are being overly-defensive because they realise what they're missing out on? I feel that explains some of the posts on here.[/quote]
Absolutely it's the freedom that driving brings. We live in a semi-rural place with a poor bus service (as do my non-driving parents) and after spending my teens perpetually tied to the last bus home, the joy of being able to visit friends without a time limit or go spontaneously to a late cinema showing or dinner by the coast hasn't diminished for me even after 16 years owning a car.

My parents can't even see a film that starts later than about 8 as they wouldn't be able to get home afterwards. There are some gorgeous parts of their county, stately homes etc that are just off limits to them as they're not served by public transport. I would hate it, and I just can't understand their reluctance to drive.

@Devlesko

It's up to him and none of your business. Maybe he doesn't take his test because mummy is still interfering with his life at 40. So what if he doesn't want to drive, I don't drive, a fully grown woman in my 50's. I've always worked near public transport and saved a fortune not having to run a car. Not stopped me from doing anything, there are always taxis, trains, busses or heaven forbid somebody going your way who'll give you a lift.

not driving meant i paid off my mortgage nearly 7 years early, transport around here is very good and i do alot of shopping online, so yes, i am proud of being at the stagei am in life.

Rosiema, your points are all ones that I agree with, you're viewing my post and other posters', through your own filter. We all do that. I have in mind my own experiences and interactions with people and that shaped my post.

My mum made all four of us learn to drive and I'm glad of it. I do recognise the privilege in that although it took me SIX tests and two years to eventually pass.

I have a job that involves a lot of driving (now not so much because of covid) but significant travel that I wouldn't be able to do if I couldn't drive. I love my job so again, that's my personal filter in action.

I honestly don't mean to berate anybody who doesn't drive, for whatever reason. My SIL has a licence but is too terrified to drive. I don't mind picking her up and she has no problem with the bus.

@KingOfDogShite Thank goodness there are more normal people coming on here commenting. I have been truly stunned at some of the things I've read on here. Just..... eff me dead! Speechless.

There are some gorgeous parts of their county, stately homes etc that are just off limits to them as they're not served by public transport. I would hate it, and I just can't understand their reluctance to drive.

My parents were in this situation. Their rationale was that unless we look after the environment it won't be gorgeous for anyone.

Not driving is fine, but it does require organising your life around that in order to maintain independence.

My db is a firm non-driver. He travels all over Europe and further afield on the train. He has seen more of the world than most people I know. He just plans his journeys carefully.

@LolaSmiles

GinDaddyRedux For me what's unsexy is any hint of manchild behaviour. So if I met a guy and our lifestyles meant one or neither of us didn't need to drive then that wouldn't bother me at all, but if I met someone in my current area with poor public transport then a man not driving would probably put me off. If he genuinely managed to cycle or walk everywhere and we weren't limited by him not driving them that wouldn't put me off, but if I got the general sense that his world was small (eg wouldn't be able to go for his ideal job because it doesn't fit the bus routes, all dates have to involve me doing lifts, limited places to visit if I wasn't driving him) then I'd question his approach to life. Long term I know I would be a deal breaker if he wouldn't be able to do the childcare because he can't pick them up, I ended up having to choose between burning money on taxis or being his driver, me always having to do the lifts for children's clubs because he can't, me having to ferry him around to his things etc. Not driving in that situation comes under the same category as men who are deliberately incompetent so their partner will pick up after them.

I want a partnership and not responsibility for a man child m

I wasn't driving when I met my DW. I couldn't take her to places that needed a car so our world was "limited" according to you.

In fact however my DW didn't view me as deliberately incompetent. She viewed me as a successful city dweller who would begin driving when it made sense for our lifestyles and when we leave the city, which we did. I've ended up with quite a nice car history in the end, all in my 30s and 40s I admit,.........

.....but I guess if I was the chap who consistently drove everywhere since a teenager and now owns a Volkswagen T-Roc or Tiguan or whatever the fuck those joke Tonka toys are called, then yeah I'd be the hero and not the man child I always was

And even if I hadn't started driving, perhaps there are other significant ways I contribute. I won't be crass about it, but perhaps our financial world is significantly affected by my earnings.

People contribute to relationships in different ways. I thought Mumsnet would be progressive in some respects, but actually it's a lot of "men should drive otherwise they're children".

@BogRollBOGOF

Not driving is fine, but it does require organising your life around that in order to maintain independence.

How organised did I have to be in order to walk four minutes to the Tube and jump on the next train (15 an hour or so).

Seriously...
not
everyone's
life
is
the same

"Tbh there are somethings like make me inwardly roll my eyes when people say them 1. I can’t drive, 2. I can’t cook, 3. I don’t go out after dark/walk on my own/walk in the woods."

And if there's one thing that makes me outwardly roll me eyes it's when people spout tired shit like "it's a life skill".

@KingOfDogShite

Tbh there are somethings like make me inwardly roll my eyes when people say them 1. I can’t drive, 2. I can’t cook, 3. I don’t go out after dark/walk on my own/walk in the woods.

Unless there’s a medical reason, everyone should be able to drive. It’s a life skill.

And this is the sort of thing that makes me roll my eyes.

[quote Timekeeper1]@HowFastIsTooFast Well said! It costs far more money in the long run, to not have a car. And being able to go ANYWHERE whenever YOU want is a major bonus. I feel some people are being overly-defensive because they realise what they're missing out on? I feel that explains some of the posts on here.[/quote]
Here owning any vehicle is expensive. Parking spaces easily add £40-60k to the price of a property, or you can buy a parking space for £20-30k ( www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-69331293.html). Carparks are also very expensive.

I have a car, I can go anywhere I want whenever I want using public transport and I often do because it is both cheaper and faster than driving.

What? Nobody’s saying that no WC people ever learn to drive.

People quite clearly are saying that it's prohibitively expensive for a significant part of the population and that it's an entitled view I'm expressing

I got a license quick to make myself more employable, as have lots of others before, as my accreditation otherwise isn't great

[quote Timekeeper1]@HowFastIsTooFast Well said! It costs far more money in the long run, to not have a car. And being able to go ANYWHERE whenever YOU want is a major bonus. I feel some people are being overly-defensive because they realise what they're missing out on? I feel that explains some of the posts on here.[/quote]
That’s not how poverty works. Spending £1k on lessons and tests plus another £1k on a car, another £1k on insurance is the obstacle. If you only have £30 a week to spare for transport, it’s going to go on bus fares not on one driving lesson.
Do you think people who “choose” to rent instead of conjuring up a 10% house deposit to buy are just too stupid to realise they’re not making sound investments or too lazy to apply for a mortgage?

I roll my eyes when people say driving is an essential life skill. Is it really that hard to grasp that everyone's situation is different and what is essential for you might not be for someone else?

Driving a 'life skill' and a 'fact of life'

Just when you think Mumsnet has hit peak First World entitlement, arrogance, and privilege, yet another thread pops up to prove you wrong.

I shouldn't be surprised, but...

Sorry that link didn’t work.

www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-69331293.html

I can't drive for health reasons but neither does DH drive. It means that I have to do all the shopping etc on foot/bus in all weathers and it's a total pain. He looked into learning but it's very expensive so in the end he couldn't. I know it's not his fault but it would make life so much easier (I have mobility issues) and so much freer - the ability to just go wherever, whenever sounds like a dream come true. Sadly though I don't think it'll ever happen!

Yep, and anyway it's a bad comparison. Driving isn't cooking. With driving you either have a license or you don't, you either have a car or you don't.

There are so many levels of cooking, and many people say they can't cook but actually they can, just that they can only do "normal" meals and not gourmet stuff. Or they can cook for two but not for a dinner party, or that they can make spaghetti bolognese but not bake a loaf of bread. It's not even remotely the same thing as driving. Making a simple meal is an essential life skill. Making a big, complicated meal with obscure ingredients isn't.

I moved countries at 23.
I have a job.
Do all the school runs, doctors appts, most playdates and parties.
I visit and have friends, local, hours away and even in Scotland.
I take DD for long days out into London(we don't live in London), fairs,parks,lidos, farms etc.
I go out and sort most things for myself independently.
OH drives but sometimes works away for months, and can't say I miss him or I'm rocking away in a corner, a blubbering mess because the driver is gone.

What exactly is not independent about my life ? How is my life lacking in skills?