Grown men who can't drive

[madcatladyforever]

AIBU or what! Just had a row with my DS who is not talking to me because he can't drive at 40 years old. There is no good reason why not, he's done all the lessons just can't be bothered to take the test.
His wife ferries him about everywhere despite the fact she's in very poor health and shouldn't even be on the road in my opinion.
He wanted me to collect him for the weekend a 7 hour round trip and I said no, I have slipped discs and I'm on tramadol, I can't drive for 7 hours.
I don't see why we should be unpaid chauffeurs all the time and I'm not doing it any more.
Not being able to drive completely limits their lives, they can't live in a rural area which they want to do, he can only take a job there is public transport too and he can't drive to any big store out of town and pick up furniture or tools or whatever.
It is driving me mad and I said to his wife, stop ferrying him about, he needs to get his license. What happens if you have to go into hospital - who is going to drive you there and back.
Now he is furious with me for "interfering" but if your mother can't say it who can.
I get the test is scary but if we never did anything because we were nervous we'd never achieve anything in our lives.

It's up to him and none of your business. Maybe he doesn't take his test because mummy is still interfering with his life at 40.
So what if he doesn't want to drive, I don't drive, a fully grown woman in my 50's. I've always worked near public transport and saved a fortune not having to run a car.
Not stopped me from doing anything, there are always taxis, trains, busses or heaven forbid somebody going your way who'll give you a lift.

@Timekeeper1

"Standing about waiting for buses and fussing with train times and fares"

Yep, and imagine doing grocery shopping and using buses or trains. Carting big bags of food? Even soil/potting mix? Plants? It's an utter nightmare and NO WAY would I put up with that. You can't just suddenly decide to go out to grab McDonalds or go to a movie when it's late and past bus/train time. A car enables you to go where you want, when you want. Anyone who has ever had to rely on public transport will tell you it is not a solution.

Grocery shopping? How primitive, mine gets delivered to my kitchen by ocado.

I could drive to McDonalds, but the nearest car park would be almost a mile away and very expensive. I could drive to the cinema, but the nearest carpark is two miles from the cinema, expensive and it closes at 10pm, so the car would likely be locked in the carpark over night.

Past bus/train time? They’re 24 hours a day.

Some things you do because you have to do them.

A lot of people don't have to drive though. It might be easier, it might be more convenient or whatever but not everyone NEEDS or HAS to drive.

Depends on the man and the circs. DP currently doesn't drive at 29 due to a combo of cash flow & time (his 20s were blighted by horrible circumstances) issues and then lockdown sort of kyboshed him finishing stuff off. I don't mind at all because I know how keen he is to drive and that he will do it, he loves cars. He's seen how nervous a driver I am, too and it's spurring him on, I think! He's fabulous and supportive if I'm stressed in the car.

Useless ex didn't learn and despite citing very mild dyspraxia, I think it really boiled down to laziness and lifestyle choices in his case. He has a legitimate"reason" but I don't think it is his real reason. He is simply lazy- same reasons he's still at home at almost 31 with no move out in sight. This way, he gets everything done for him/people running round after him, he can keep his money to splurge and fritter on luxury goods and he can avoid responsibility some more. He is also too uptight to allow himself to be seen to be bad at or fail anything, even though no one is The Stig in their first lesson.

@HowFastIsTooFast Well said! It costs far more money in the long run, to not have a car. And being able to go ANYWHERE whenever YOU want is a major bonus. I feel some people are being overly-defensive because they realise what they're missing out on? I feel that explains some of the posts on here.

@Badbadbunny

I know I'm going to get shot down for saying this but: I was once asked out by a very attractive man, who couldn't drive. His inability to drive completed emasculated him (IMO) and despite the fact that he was really good looking, I decided not to date him.

Yep, my first serious boyfriend didn't drive. It was what broke us up. I was fed up with ferrying him around all the time. It was just about OK on dates and days out that benefited us both. But as time passed, he started expecting me to pick him up from work, take him shopping, take him to "boy's" pub nights etc. It really clouded my view of him and took away the "manly" attributes.

What a horrible attitude. If your boyfriend/husband/partner became unable to drive due to illness or disability, would they become less "manly"? What does "manly" mean, anyway?

"It’s unbelievable how blinded people are by their own privilege. Learning to drive is the same as getting a degree.
Not everyone needs to, not everyone wants to, not everyone can afford it.
If you hate non-drivers so much, just never offer them a lift and move on with your life."

All of this. On planet MN you're supposed to have thousands saved up for your child's driving lessons, car, tuition fees and house deposit before they can walk. (Maybe that's why there's all these families living on "only" 70k+ that are perpetually skint.) I must ask my parents why they neglected me so badly by providing exactly none of these things, but no doubt I'll just get some excuse about how they needed to money to keep a roof over our heads or something.

If learning to drive is so middle class why are all professional drivers such utter geezers?

ffs

That's a classic MN "won't somebody think of the poor"

-hard eye roll

@Timekeeper1 But perhaps the mentality/priorities are simply different where you are? Until I came onto MumsNet, it never occurred to me that people would have your attitude.

Funny, I was going to say the exact same thing myself

"@HowFastIsTooFast Well said! It costs far more money in the long run, to not have a car. And being able to go ANYWHERE whenever YOU want is a major bonus. I feel some people are being overly-defensive because they realise what they're missing out on? I feel that explains some of the posts on here."

People are defensive because they're tired of being accused of being selfish/immature/"unmanly" (wtf)/ lazy/ etc. I suspect you know that though.

@GinDaddyRedux I think most people know that medical conditions such as epilepsy are different. I thought this wouldn't need to be said.

@bibbitybobbitycats Did you miss this part of that person's comment? he started expecting me to pick him up from work, take him shopping, take him to "boy's" pub nights etc. A man who needs to rely on a woman to drive him places is truly a turn-off for me also. I guess because it shows a lack of independence.

It's people's own choice whether to drive. But I will say that I was really glad I'd learned when my mother became frail and infirm and needed a lot of support. It made providing that support so much easier.

I feel the same about any adult that is a non driver. I say this having grown up in a rural northern town with shit transport links. There's always a pile on theose threads about how having a car say in London, with the public transport there is set up well. Then maybe that's different. There's no busses anywhere round here before 8am or after 630pm.

It would be a massive turn off for me if I met someone who was a non driver. I have just got back from a long walk with my kids and a couple of their mates who come from a non driving household. They were amazed by the place 20 mins drive away we have just been.
I think it's very important to be able to get about under your own steam. It affects every aspect of your life. Opens up so many more options for everything.

Timekeeper you sound very bizarre. How do you not understand some people literally do not have spare money to pay for kids driving lessons? Plenty of people use public transport with no issue. Heavy shopping can be delivered. Most people who live in London don’t even own a car, I actually don’t know anyone who has one, I know several non drivers and people I know who moved to London from elsewhere sold their cars when they moved here

@tectonicplates

Learning to drive isn't cheap, but it is an expected fact of life. Like paying rent or mortgage or paying taxes. It never occurs to anyone to not do it, because not doing it isn't an option, like not paying rent or mortgage isn't an option. Some things you do because you have to do them. End of story.

What utter BS . It never occurs to anyone to not do it?! Oh MN. This place is as crazy as ever.

It's complete bilge. I grew up in Central London, never felt the need to drive.

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

This is exactly it. There's some serious narrow-mindedness on this thread because so many people live in areas where it's important perhaps to them to drive around.

I think so much of the "why don't grown men drive" comes from women who grow up with cars, or who drive themselves, seeing it as "attractive" if a man drives. It's already been stated on this thread.

Similarly, if an event is taking place and someone doesn't have a car to get to it, then lifts on here seem to come with the muttered backhand "but they're CF'ers to accept the lift, they should really drive, they don't have any reason not to".

When I didn't drive, I'd make sure I picked up the tab for whatever the driver was having wherever we were going. I'd jump on the Tube to an easier place for pickups.

Now that I drive, I'm always giving lifts without a moment's thought, because the universe pays it forward, I'm not a weird grasping tight person who gripes about someone else not paying exactly the same bills as me in my private life.

@DeeTractor People are defensive because they're tired of being accused of being selfish/immature/"unmanly" (wtf)/ lazy/ etc. I suspect you know that though.

Well that is genuinely how they come across. Perhaps it didn't occur to some that that is exactly how it looks.

I think that if there's no good reason to not take your test (finances, disability, have failed multiple times already etc) then adults who chose not to be able to drive are selfish.

I've often (not always) found that non-drivers underestimate fuel costs (or quibble when you tell them how much half the fuel cost is!) and don't even say thank you for doing them a favour. I've had a non-driver huff and puff and bitch and moan because I needed to stop on a long drive and have a proper break whereas she complained that it was eating into her holiday time

GinDaddyRedux
For me what's unsexy is any hint of manchild behaviour.
So if I met a guy and our lifestyles meant one or neither of us didn't need to drive then that wouldn't bother me at all, but if I met someone in my current area with poor public transport then a man not driving would probably put me off. If he genuinely managed to cycle or walk everywhere and we weren't limited by him not driving them that wouldn't put me off, but if I got the general sense that his world was small (eg wouldn't be able to go for his ideal job because it doesn't fit the bus routes, all dates have to involve me doing lifts, limited places to visit if I wasn't driving him) then I'd question his approach to life. Long term I know I would be a deal breaker if he wouldn't be able to do the childcare because he can't pick them up, I ended up having to choose between burning money on taxis or being his driver, me always having to do the lifts for children's clubs because he can't, me having to ferry him around to his things etc. Not driving in that situation comes under the same category as men who are deliberately incompetent so their partner will pick up after them.

I want a partnership and not responsibility for a man child m

@Chanjer

If learning to drive is so middle class why are all professional drivers such utter geezers?

ffs

That's a classic MN "won't somebody think of the poor"

-hard eye roll

What? Nobody’s saying that no WC people ever learn to drive.

Isn’t it obvious, though, that people with less money can’t always afford non-necessities as soon as they’d like? And that there might not be a parental budget for teenagers to have driving lessons in some homes (nor sufficient pocket money)?

i choose not to drive but i don't expect lifts from anyone, so anyone who wants to bitch about that can fuck right off.

@moita l think they choose not realise. Also don’t start me on the crap directions non-drivers like to give

I think most people know that medical conditions such as epilepsy are different. I thought this wouldn't need to be said.

How many people who are judging others for not being 'manly' enough are asking for a full medical history first?

"Well that is genuinely how they come across. Perhaps it didn't occur to some that that is exactly how it looks."

And some drivers on this thread are genuinely coming across as arrogant, sneering arseholes who can't grasp that not everyone has the same experiences that they do.

[quote Timekeeper1]@SimonJT Learning to drive isn't cheap, but it is an expected fact of life. Like paying rent or mortgage or paying taxes. It never occurs to anyone to not do it, because not doing it isn't an option, like not paying rent or mortgage isn't an option. Some things you do because you have to do them. End of story.

@Waxonwaxoff0 I guess because you've always had someone else to drive you, right? The day will come when due to medical or family emergency that you need transport and there is none around, then you'll realise. If you just selfishly rely on others, of course you yourself won't consider it 'essential'.[/quote]
Is this a joke post?

You think this person needs to "realise" that they might be challenged one day if they need a medical emergency? Like they couldn't find their way to 999 on a phone keypad? As for a family emergency, my aforementioned uncle needed to go see his DW ten days in a row and had to use taxis. They were available when he wanted them, no problems at all. Add the total cost of around £400 to his regular taxis, and it's still less than buying and running a car.

As for the post to SimonJT, it's so beyond parody I can't even comment. Pity that Robbie Williams and Ricky Gervais didn't realise they "had to drive" in order to live properly.