Grown men who can't drive

[madcatladyforever]

AIBU or what! Just had a row with my DS who is not talking to me because he can't drive at 40 years old. There is no good reason why not, he's done all the lessons just can't be bothered to take the test.
His wife ferries him about everywhere despite the fact she's in very poor health and shouldn't even be on the road in my opinion.
He wanted me to collect him for the weekend a 7 hour round trip and I said no, I have slipped discs and I'm on tramadol, I can't drive for 7 hours.
I don't see why we should be unpaid chauffeurs all the time and I'm not doing it any more.
Not being able to drive completely limits their lives, they can't live in a rural area which they want to do, he can only take a job there is public transport too and he can't drive to any big store out of town and pick up furniture or tools or whatever.
It is driving me mad and I said to his wife, stop ferrying him about, he needs to get his license. What happens if you have to go into hospital - who is going to drive you there and back.
Now he is furious with me for "interfering" but if your mother can't say it who can.
I get the test is scary but if we never did anything because we were nervous we'd never achieve anything in our lives.

Why? I can't drive. I've never needed to - I live close to town and I get a train/other public transport if I need to go further. I don't ask anyone for lifts. What word do I need to have with myself?

It depends on your location/lifestyle/circumstances as well.

A car would be a real waste of money for me. I cycle to work or get the train (currently wfh). I prefer to walk of cycle from A to B (within my local area). I live close to a train station that gets me in city centre in 10 minutes (takes twice as long in the car and parking a nightmare and expensive).

If i'm taking a trip somewhere i'll go by train.

@SimonJT Learning to drive isn't cheap, but it is an expected fact of life. Like paying rent or mortgage or paying taxes. It never occurs to anyone to not do it, because not doing it isn't an option, like not paying rent or mortgage isn't an option. Some things you do because you have to do them. End of story.

@Waxonwaxoff0 I guess because you've always had someone else to drive you, right? The day will come when due to medical or family emergency that you need transport and there is none around, then you'll realise. If you just selfishly rely on others, of course you yourself won't consider it 'essential'.

@managedmis

Very un sexy

What is unsexy? Grown men who can't drive?

Be fascinating to go back in time and speak to the [x] number of people I dated before I learned to drive when I turned 30. Understand just how hard those folk had to struggle to overcome the sheer unsexiness of not driving.

Or maybe, just maybe, we were living in big global cities, enjoying a world that isn't limited by car usage, not shuttling back and forth between school, the retail park, the business park, holiday cottages, and in laws?

Some people are so myopic. I can drive, I have done for around a decade. But before I drove, I had a fantastic life. I didn't want for anything that a car could give me.

Imagine someone choosing not to get with one of my best mates because he doesn't drive, yet he lives in a superb spot in a major city, has great friends, enormous disposable income, kind and hugely generous soul....

...oh but he doesn't drive, so who will share the driving when we go to Cornwall?

[quote Timekeeper1]@Waxonwaxoff0 A lot of things are bad for the environment. But driving is an essential life skill.[/quote]
It really isn't.

" Or walk? How very primitive."

Walking is primitive!! Jesus wept I've heard it all now.

Oh jeez @Rosiesma the word suspicious was supposed to be tongue in cheek, and the examples are how I feel about the idea of not driving.

Thanks for the essay though!

@Timekeeper1 erm, no. I am a single parent, I have no one to drive me. I use this thing called the bus, or the train. Have you not heard of them? Do they not have public transport where you live? Sometimes I even walk!

In an emergency I'll just take a cab.

I find it bizarre when adults can't drive.

Also wouldn't be with a man who couldn't drive. Watched my friend do it and what a ball ache that was.

Timekeeper1 I seem to remember you live in Australia so your experience of what is considered manliness etc may seem slightly odd to many posters on what is primarily a UK site. The UK is also a small and heavily overpopulated country where many people do live in urban or semi-urban areas and were pollution issues are quite apparent. Public transport is not brilliant but it does exist in urban areas.

I come from continental Europe where non-reliance on cars is actually quite common and public transport generally well developed. I don't think any of my circle of university friends drove and there was hardly any parking space at my university. Most of our teachers didn't drive either.

Even in my current UK job we don't have anything like enough parking spaces for all our employees (let alone students) to drive to work.

@Rosiesma

When we meet new people and it comes up in conversation that my DH doesn't drive I often see suspicion in peoples faces. People then often go on to probe why he dodesn't drive. I wonder if people think that DH has been banned from driving for some reason. DH has just never taken any lessons or had a licence. It is true thou some people are suspicious.

Learning to drive isn't cheap, but it is an expected fact of life. Like paying rent or mortgage or paying taxes. It never occurs to anyone to not do it, because not doing it isn't an option, like not paying rent or mortgage isn't an option. Some things you do because you have to do them. End of story.

What utter BS . It never occurs to anyone to not do it?! Oh MN. This place is as crazy as ever.

A lot of things are bad for the environment. But driving is an essential life skill.

It's essential to your life. Not everyone's. Being reliant on a car can be worse than not having one in the first place - what happens when it breaks, or if it's stolen. I've known people not come into work or miss social events because their car isn't running- they're totally dependent on it and cannot find a way around it being unavailable. That inconveniences people and it can hardly be considered independent to rely on something so much you're totally incapable of going anywhere or doing anything without one.

@Timekeeper1 There isn’t a need to learn to drive here. It is only needed if it is specificallt for a job, such as a HGV driver. It isn’t an end of situation, any adult with basic levels of critical thinking is able to realise that not everyone has a need for the same things.

I can drive, I have driven once since early March. If I couldn’t drive I could have got an uber, it would also be much cheaper. My boyfriend can’t drive, doesn’t like it so won’t go back to having lessons, he’ll be a lot richer for it.

"Standing about waiting for buses and fussing with train times and fares"

Yep, and imagine doing grocery shopping and using buses or trains. Carting big bags of food? Even soil/potting mix? Plants? It's an utter nightmare and NO WAY would I put up with that. You can't just suddenly decide to go out to grab McDonalds or go to a movie when it's late and past bus/train time. A car enables you to go where you want, when you want. Anyone who has ever had to rely on public transport will tell you it is not a solution.

My exh never learnt to drive. He used to use it as a tool to control me. I couldn't go anywhere too far or for too long in case he needed a lift anywhere. He's coming up for 50 and still hasn't learnt. His new gf is now his chauffeur.

Well, it sorts friendships out pretty quickly then. 🤣
It’s about what you find important in a friend or a partner. I’m unsettled by people who don’t have a decent number of books in their house. It seems a deep and disturbing character flaw, unlike not driving.

It’s unbelievable how blinded people are by their own privilege. Learning to drive is the same as getting a degree.
Not everyone needs to, not everyone wants to, not everyone can afford it.
If you hate non-drivers so much, just never offer them a lift and move on with your life.

Yep, and imagine doing grocery shopping and using buses or trains. Carting big bags of food

I was so fit before I could drive! Now I’m 3 stone overweight and OH weighs the same as he did 40 years ago.

Also @Rosiesma your question about costs intrigued me, so I worked it out.

My insurance (including breakdown cover) and fuel cost me about £11 a week when I break it down. If we take your figure of £20 per week that leaves me £468 a year towards servicing and repairs.

There's no road tax or MOT where I live and I'm capable of checking my own oil and tyres.

With the added benefit of being able to go anywhere on my own time-scale, easily visit places/friends that aren't on bus routes and transport more stuff than I could on the bus, then even if it did cost a bit more it would definitely, for me, be well worth it. I'd be hard pressed to get a paddleboard and a portable BBQ on the bus ;)

When we meet new people and it comes up in conversation that my DH doesn't drive I often see suspicion in peoples faces. People then often go on to probe why he doesn't drive.

Yes, my DH doesn't drive because of epilepsy, he doesn't drink either, so if I'm not drinking because I'm driving the comments are even worse. The amount of people who feel free to pass comment in really quite rude ways is astonishing. So many people say they make exceptions for disability, but then it requires him to detail his medical history to anyone who questions his non-driving.

@Pinkyandthebrainz

I find it bizarre when adults can't drive.

Yeah so my uncle and aunt who both have epilepsy....utterly bizarre that they don't risk everyone's safety on the road by gambling with the sun flashing through trees on a dual carriageway. Bizarre!

My aforementioned good mate. He's always grown up in a city. Managed to do incredibly well in entertainment but is mainly travelling (not at the mo of course) abroad a lot. He still lives in a major city. Gets driven everywhere. Doesn't have to go to "in-laws" or holiday cottages. Bizarre that he hasn't chosen to drive!

The two people at my old work, 23 and 25, who have no intention of ever driving. They're young well-off males, both Europeans, work in finance, live in central London. Could easily learn to drive in terms of finance. But they don't want to. They can see the future in terms of city dwellers and vehicles.

What I find more bizarre @Pinkyandthebrainz is how narrow some people's world view is. How what they do, is clearly what everyone should do.
How when they're shouting at traffic, they fail to see that perhaps those who forgo being part of the traffic, are perhaps heroes rather than bizarre.

Oh no i forget...they're actually all CF'ers waiting to ask for a lift.

@HowFastIsTooFast

My apologies for the 'essay' must be because I don't drive it's skewed my view of a public discussion forum.
🙄

@tectonicplates It certainly doesn't where I am. But perhaps the mentality/priorities are simply different where you are? Until I came onto MumsNet, it never occurred to me that people would have your attitude.

@Rosiesma It's essential to your life. Not everyone's. Being reliant on a car can be worse than not having one in the first place - what happens when it breaks, or if it's stolen. I've known people not come into work or miss social events because their car isn't running- they're totally dependent on it and cannot find a way around it being unavailable.
That makes no sense at all. If their car breaks down, if there is public transport where they are, they can get that.

If there is no public transport where they are, they could never get into work or appointments anyway, so what's the difference?

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

It’s unbelievable how blinded people are by their own privilege. Learning to drive is the same as getting a degree. Not everyone needs to, not everyone wants to, not everyone can afford it. If you hate non-drivers so much, just never offer them a lift and move on with your life.

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