Am I being unrealistic re step son?

[FoodAllTheFood]

DH has a son who lives with us most of the time. He is 10, nearly 11. He is a good kid and we get on well.

However, recently I'm starting to think that DH really needs to get him to do more for himself and around the house.

Right now he does nothing by way of chores. Obviously that isn't his fault but I mean he isn't made to or asked. You have to literally shout sometimes to get him to brush his teeth morning and night. Reading the thread about suncream had me thinking, there is absolutely no way he would think about suncream on a sunny day and DH would definitely still apply it for him.

He has never washed a dish or helped hoover or dust. He's never helped with a meal, even a cold one like making a sandwich for lunch etc...

AIBU to say that this isn't really great parenting? I feel like he is being set up for just having no clue as he gets older. I want to start tackling this before he gets into real teenager stage i.e. making him do some chores, not all the time but a couple of things a week.

I just keep thinking this is a child who will be in secondary school in really not that long and he would need help to make a sandwich still or wash a plate or make his bed.

YANBU OP, and there’s nothing worse than a grown man who is unable to look after himself, which is what he’ll grow into if he’s not taught and expected to do things now.

My DS is 12. He does his own washing; loads or unloads the dishwasher; he would dry up for me before we had a dishwasher; he can cook basic meals; he mows the lawn; he vacuums; he cleans up if he spills something; he puts the bins out. I don’t think making do any of these things for himself is unreasonable. The other day he did some jobs outside because he said they needed doing and it was bugging him.

Just to add, there are now additional needs or anything and he is a very clever lad. He is just babied an awful lot I feel.

You can and should discuss this with dh, then leave it to him to implement. He should be helping out around the house and be taught to apply suncream correctly (ie, use enough).

Having to remind dc to brush teeth is pretty normal.

The one thing you can do is start cooking with dss. It should be fun and a bonding experience for you two - make it about foods he likes. He will pick up the basics like kitchen safety and how to work the oven/ hold a knife and learn to make some fav dishes.

Do you have any children, OP?

I’ve always said I’m not raising a son to be another woman’s burden. I’m not discounting the fact that he might be gay of course, I just don’t think he will.

My DS is 12. He does his own washing; loads or unloads the dishwasher; he would dry up for me before we had a dishwasher; he can cook basic meals; he mows the lawn; he vacuums; he cleans up if he spills something; he puts the bins out. I don’t think making do any of these things for himself is unreasonable. The other day he did some jobs outside because he said they needed doing and it was bugging him

Jesus, that seems completely alien to me. Honestly DSS would not have a clue how to even begin doing any of those things.

I also don't know whether this is unreasonable or not but it things like, DH wouldn't ever leave him alone either. I'm not talking about in the house but say if he was in the car and needed to nip in a shop, he'd really not like leaving DSS in the car by himself whilst he went in. Or he'd not allow him to walk to school (which is literally down the road from our house) on his own say or he'd never let him just walk the dog up and down the road on his own etc...

Does the son see his dad doing his fair share of chores around the house and cooking? I’d get your dh to get him involved with that first. It’s best led by him so it doesn’t feel like a sudden punishment coming from you!

And make sure he cleans up after when he cooks!

Having to remind dc to brush teeth is pretty normal

Oh I totally appreciate this but this is like a battle every morning and night because he doesn't want to do it. You end up having to shout at him sometimes which isn't nice.

No I don't have any children.

Definitely not being unreasonable. My stepson is the same and it's been a massive uphill battle to try and instill some initiative into him. Luckily my dh listens to me but he still falls into the habit of doing everything for him. He's nearly 14 now and we've been actively working on this since he was 10.

I don’t know any young people who think about suncream. Most of the ones I know are in their teens and twenties. It’s not related to their sex either. A few start becoming obsessive in their mid twenties and the few red heads might be more careful, but on the whole most are unbothered. It seems a strange thing to fret about.

I'm not fretting about suncream, that was just because of another thread this morning where people were saying their younger children know how to apply it themselves, I was just saying I read that thinking DH would definitely still sit their applying it to DSS for him, like his face etc...

He will thank you later OP. Start off with him making a sandwich and letting him walk the dog a short way.

Sit there**

My son is 14 nearly 15. But from being around 11 he washed his own plates, hovered upstairs and was responsible for tidying his room daily and putting his washing away. I have a list on is noticed board which says everything I expect from his each morning. Like.... make bed, brush teeth, take washing down, put any clean washing away, tidy bedroom.

I don't think the 12 year old who does jobs in the garden of his own volition is that typical of most 12yos to be honest. We expect my dss (meant to say nearly 13, not 14, typo) to clean up spills after himself, bring down his dirty washing and put it in the basket, put his clean clothes away, make his own breakfast and lunch, help tidy up at the end of the day, and take care of his personal hygiene without being nagged, put his own sun cream on. This is still way too little for my liking but when he's at home he doesn't have to lift a finger and his mum does literally everything. If you ask him to do something, even if it's something he's done a hundred times, he will make out like he doesn't know how to. I've had to fight to get this far to be honest and it does worry me greatly that he's growing up without the skills to look after himself.

As a child I did nothing in the house (it was strictly a female only role), as an adult it hasn’t prevented me looking after myself.

My son is five and with a bit of supervision (and accepting low standards) he can strip his bed sheet and pillow case and put it in the washing machine, puts his clothes in the lights or darks washing basket, puts clean clothes away, loads and unloads the bottom of the dishwasher, vacuums, puts his toys away, puts the cats/dogs toys away, clears his plates etc from the table, fetches beer ‘daddys juice’ from the fridge.

I don’t think he would be a useless adult if he didn’t do the above as a child, but when hes a teenager he’ll be grumpy, lazy and communicate via grunts so I’m taking advantage of child labour while I can.

Thanks, I'll definitely speak to DH. I have said things before and he has got him to like tidy his room say but it will never be a regular thing, it just goes out the window after a day or two. I think we need to set up an actual routine now and stick to it. I know I certainly had chores to do at that age.

DH would support me I think but he can be a bit lazy himself in the sense that I think he'd struggle not to go back on it and start doing it for him if it was a bit of a battle at first iyswim?

The thing is, I often have DSS a lot on my own as DH works long hours so he'll be with me before and after school so whilst I think DH would definitely support me and speak to DSS and implement the changes, I think it would likely have to be me a lot of the time actually pushing him to do them. I'm not concerned about our relationship, we have a good one and I'd say a strong one, he's lived mostly with us for a good while now and I do a lot for and with him.

DH does do stuff around the house, admittedly not as much as me but I am home a lot more.

You’ll get a range of responses- for what it’s worth I’m not sure not doing your own washing aged 10 will mean you’ll be incapable as an adult and I’m sure lots of people don’t learn this until later, but, I would expect him to do some things for himself. For example, my 7 and 5 year olds empty and load the dishwasher and the bigger one can make himself a drink or breakfast cereal and will get snacks for himself from the cupboard, but wouldn’t do anything involving prep like buttering bread etc. They both help cook tea when the adult has the energy
I guess secondary school is a good watershed- I’d expect a secondary school child to be able to make a decent snack and clear up after themselves completely independently.

See even the PP above who's DSC makes their own breakfast. DSS has never done that even if it's just cereal or toast.

OP - have you spoken explicitly to your DP about this? What does he say?

My DSS14 is exactly the same; totally clueless and zero initiative, because he's never been given the opportunity to develop it.

It's less of an issue for me because he's not with us full-time, but it still drove me mad for years. It feels like such a shame because not only is he not learning the skills, he also isn't getting to feel the pleasure of a job well done, or of having achieved something difficult by himself. Sure, a load of laundry isn't exactly climbing Mount Everest, but it's these small moments of learning to take pride in your own actions that really help further down the line.

I started having these conversations with DP (and MIL, actually, who's the same) in front of DSS – "Hey, DSS is smart and capable, give him a chance to try it himself", "How about you give DSS the pleasure of taking charge of this for us?" and I did notice DSS starting to back me up on some of it, telling his dad to let him try.

But it's clearly such a core part of their relationship and the way DP shows love (his love language is very much 'acts of service') that it's not got very far. Every time DSS tries to step up, they both feel like it's a rejection of DP and so DSS will give in – partly because it's just easier to sit back and be waited on, and partly because he knows how much DP loves to take care of him.

I've decided to stay out of it as much as possible now; when DSS is with me, he participates in everything we're doing. That's OUR thing now, and a part of OUR relationship, and I let DP parent how he sees fit.

Not easy, though – and might be worth a proper sit-down conversation with your partner about it.

On a weekend where we stay in bed for a little bit, DSS usually gets up earlier than us and goes and plays games downstairs. He would come up and wake us up to say he was hungry and DH will go and make him breakfast.

That sounds like a good place to start then. Get him making his own breakfast and putting the stuff away/washing it up.

Then get him cooking with his dad-maybe they plan one new meal a week together including buying the ingredients/adding them to the weekly shop.

Is your DSD yr5?
Going up to high school is a big change, your DH also needs to bear this in mind and start encouraging a bit more independence and responsibilities, otherwise he is going to struggle. High schools do not baby their pupils.

Ladybee28, I've had some conversations with DH about it but I've not yet sat him down and laid out what I think we should do.

I think like your partner, he thinks doing everything for him is a show of love.

My only concern is I do think there will be some resistance at first. I don't think DSS will do these things without a bit of a fight initially which I don't necessarily mind but I feel we would need to just stick to it and not just give up when it gets a bit hard which I think DH will struggle with.