Am I being unrealistic re step son?

[FoodAllTheFood]

DH has a son who lives with us most of the time. He is 10, nearly 11. He is a good kid and we get on well.

However, recently I'm starting to think that DH really needs to get him to do more for himself and around the house.

Right now he does nothing by way of chores. Obviously that isn't his fault but I mean he isn't made to or asked. You have to literally shout sometimes to get him to brush his teeth morning and night. Reading the thread about suncream had me thinking, there is absolutely no way he would think about suncream on a sunny day and DH would definitely still apply it for him.

He has never washed a dish or helped hoover or dust. He's never helped with a meal, even a cold one like making a sandwich for lunch etc...

AIBU to say that this isn't really great parenting? I feel like he is being set up for just having no clue as he gets older. I want to start tackling this before he gets into real teenager stage i.e. making him do some chores, not all the time but a couple of things a week.

I just keep thinking this is a child who will be in secondary school in really not that long and he would need help to make a sandwich still or wash a plate or make his bed.

@speakout my children are currently playing between 10-11 hours a day. They also spend 20-30 minutes doing chores including emptying a dishwasher. What terrible childhoods they have 🙄😂

We didn't really have set chores because enforcing that became more of a chore for me than doing the actual chores. However, my sons know how to do all domestic chores and wouldn't dream of saying no when asked.

The best investment in time I ever made was "training" them to clean the bathroom and note step by step instructions on their phones. I'm not going to say they do it all along but it's very handy to say "DS1 can you clean the bathroom and DS2 do the hoovering while I get dinner on." They're 17 & 19yo now but this started young.

What I did do they were very young, was establish a routine where they strip their beds and out the bedding in the machine every Monday morning. It was inspired, it means I have never touched a teenage boys sheets

I agree with you, OP. My step-son is nearly thirteen and has no life skills whatsoever. He has been left completely clueless by his parents’ refusal to teach him the basics. I can only guess at his mother’s motivation (he lives with her and stays with us two weekends a month) but I think his father still feels so guilty about splitting from the boy’s mum twelve years ago, that he can’t bring himself encourage any activity that might not be immediately met with enthusiasm. I try to gently encourage things which I think might be helpful: something went wrong with the car, and DP said he’d fix it. I suggested he and DSS fix it together. That suggestion, along with all other similar ones, was rejected as DSS expressed a preference for watching telly. In the last six months he has learned to pour himself a bowl of cereal (at my absolute insistence), which he initially did with shaking hands and a look of abject terror on his face. Until very recently, he’d never been on public transport. I took him on the tube and he was, again, terrified. My six year old confidently navigates the Underground, because I have always got her to plan our routes and guide us. I can’t bear the thought of her looking lost and immediately becoming a target when she starts travelling alone. How will DSS cope when his pals suggest a trip into London without parents?

I just think it’s so very unfair on him. His lack of skills will be compounded when he realises his peers are so ahead of him, and then he’ll be reluctant to join in with their activities, as he’ll no doubt be uncomfortably aware he’s behind.

I don’t recall my DC sitting still whilst I cause the mess around them how funny 😂 OR that I am sitting on my backside whilst they sweep and clean this is possibly the worst and best argument against DC contributing to a household I have ever heard 😂

Everyone lives in a house, in a team in a family. It is not 1940 where women slave for 16 hours a day to make the home nice for everyone. Everyone in the house creates dust, mess, food waste, laundry and if you work as a team together to clean up your living environment you are not teaching your DC housework skills you are teaching your DC teamwork, fairness, independence. DC made a cake together yesterday, they had great fun and cleared it all up after

I had a socially distant garden gathering this weekend for my birthday and my DC and I tag teamed the whole thing, everyone had a bit of a job to do, got it done in half the time and then could sit and enjoy it. Same for clearing up, everyone helps out and pitches in, DC love having independence, they can make their own choices on when they do their laundry (as I am not going to do it). Yes they still piss me off a lot when they hoard 50 cups and plates in their room or squeeze toothpaste everywhere but I did not bring them up to think that adult women are responsible for the entire mental and physical load.

Family to me means a team where you support each other either emotionally or physically.

OP I could have written this myself except in my case my DSS is 13 and my DH still cuts his food up for him!

He can't sleep on his own, he can't even make a cold drink for himself, he doesn't do any chores at all, he leaves his rubbish around and expects it to be picked up, he leaves dirty dishes around and expects them to be cleared up.

He leaves his clothes thrown on the floor next to the washing basket and his wet towel crumpled in a heap on the floor.

He leaves poo marks all in the toilet and also leaves the toilet seat up.

He is a fantastic example of a mollycoddled child and I feel hugely sorry for whoever ends up living with him later on in life.

I don't go around picking up after him, DH and I have had so many arguments with the way he parents his DS but I refuse to get into an argument about it now, i just let DH run around after him

I do all the washing in the house but i only wash whats in the washing basket in his room - if its thrown next to it i refuse to wash it, so the next time he comes over looking for his favourite shorts/tshirt/towel i point to where he left them and remind him again if he wants it washed it goes IN the washing basket - not next to it.

Wow, you really have tp have a VERY serious cpnversation with your DH! This boy isn't a young child, he is a teenager who can and should learn to take the responsibilities and to grow being independent! Basic life skills are a must and your DH had been taught to do many things, I suppose. Ask him, where could he go if he wouldn't have been taught how to take care of himself!

I feel similarly to @Menora.

I don't think it's wrong for kids to clean up mess made as a family. So long as they are not expected to do everything.

I've got into a routine with my son now where I go off and do the food shop and when I get back I expect him to have done his bit of the house which involves tidying the living room, hoovering ready for floors to be mopped, and stripping the beds and bringing down the washing.

Cannot tell you how nice it is to get back to that space cleaned and those tasks done and then he relaxes while I make us a nice lunch and finish the other jobs (like mopping floors and cleaning bathroom, washing etc).

It takes about - well the time it takes me to go and do a food shop so about just over an hour, once a week. Can't see that as being a bad thing, and yea he will tidy stuff of mine - for example I wash up but he grabs any mugs or glasses left in rooms including in mine.

It just helps him to think of the house as our shared space that he also has responsibility for - hopefully in the same way he will feel when he is married or living with someone. I want him to just automatically understand what needs doing and sort it (obviously age-appropriate, not expecting him to have done this independently when he was younger) - it doesn't take long when there are two of you doing it. I'm pretty sure any future partner will be happy about it, because in my view I'm just instilling into him that all members of the household are responsible for the upkeep of the space.

Plus it saves me time - time I then spend with him doing fun stuff together the rest of the day.

Childhood is a relatively modern concept, though. And @Cactuslove, you admit that you spent a lot of time watching your mother - so learned how to hoover/cook/keep a house going from that. That's great.

But a lot of children today don't have that.

A lot of my friends do everything for their children, because they feel guilty about having to work outside of the home, in order to keep rooves over their heads. Or because they're competing with stepmothers who, rather weirdly, "don't make" the child pick up after themselves, etc (absolutely no offence intended, OP, because they're probably just as frustrated as you are!).

My son's friends are 15, 16, 17 years old - and they have no idea how to work a washing machine, cook a basic meal for themselves, where the ironing board is even kept... They're not little children anymore. They're bordering on being young men, adults who may very well expect their girlfriends, or wives, or mothers to continue clearing up after them, smoothing away the debris they leave in their wake... and be grateful for doing so.

My son was allowed to use a masonry drill for the first time the other week, to put our new house sign up - he was supervised, he watched plenty of Youtube videos on how to do it, he did a fantastic job! Watching his face light up with pride at his accomplishment... and knowing that he's just one step closer to being an adult I don't have to worry about (too much)... was great. His friends don't have that. At all. And there are plenty of Youtube videos out there on how to change a duvet cover, for example - so why aren't these young adults watching them? Taking a little pride in their daily accomplishements? Developing self-respect? Reassuring their parents that it's fine; they've got this...?

My son still gets plenty of time to be a teenager. And he's never been bribed to do his chores... simply taught that he's a part of a family, not the be-all and end-all of it. My only house "rule" is that if you make a mess? Then you clear it up so that no one else has to. We're all responsible for our home's upkeep... and because of that? We all have more time to be able to do the things we enjoy doing together.

Say to him 'We're going to stop babying you and give you more responsibility', sell it to him and get him on board.

Sounds like your DH is overcompensating; wanting to make his son happy and going to an extreme (mollycoddling) to do this.

Your DSS will end up being very 'different' at secondary school. Most children develop common sense and street saviness, but your DSS won't have any of this if your DH continues to baby him. He could end up being younger than his years which may make it difficult for him to make friends. Not to mention the implications into adulthood. If the mollycoddling continues, your DSS won't be able to live independently and who would want a partner who they would have to treat like a baby?

You need to sort this with your DH ASAP. You don't necessarily need set chores. Start small, e.g. tell your DSS that you and DH are popping out over lunchtime and he can make a sandwich for himself. Tell him that it would be a big help if he could help with washing sometimes and show him how to put a load of washing on. Or tell him you're very busy and could he do the dishes. If you show him the basics (like the washing), hopefully overtime he'll do these things on his own.

I keep reading on MN about men who are useless domestically, don't lift a finger and can't look after the home, kids or themselves. If you're raising a son or SS to be this way then their future wives/partners will not thank you.

Your DH is relishing the dependence he's encouraging his son to have but you can be the balance here. Discuss with DH to agree a way forward, draw up a checklist and explain to SS then help him to learn and do these things. It may take time to bed in.

Waking you up to get him his breakfast, my arse! Can't he open a packet of cereal or is it eggs benedict every morning?

Waking you up to get him his breakfast, my arse! Can't he open a packet of cereal or is it eggs benedict every morning?

😂😂 Nope, just the regular cereal or toast!

Yanbu. It's good that you are seeing this when his own parents seem pretty useless.
Nothing worse than a grown man being pathetic and clocking out of family life or even for himself because he was enabled by everyone around him.
And I dont think it's normal for a 10yo to not brush his teeth every morning- he is just lazy because there arent any consequences.
My ds is only 4yo and he will do little chores like make his bed(a good attempt), put his clothes away, tidy toys up, all dishes in the kitchen sink etc.
I really think its poor parenting when people complain about their kids not doing anything- they either were not made to/ had bad examples from parents.
I think that you are right to tackle this now before that horrible, lazy teen comes along. And you do have a say in enforcing this as he lives in your house too!

My kids done no chores ever. They bought their plates out after dinner and out their Diderot clothes in the washing that’s it. Didn’t harm them none they are now 32 and 27

I don't call them chores on this house. It's just normal things you do to make life easier for everyone. You'd never excuse them leaving empty crisp packets lying around, its the same once they're done with a piece of clothing, put it in its place( the laundry hamper).

I'm interested in how people get more than one child to co operate without it degenerating into 'why should I do xxxx when he/she isn't doing xxxx?' one child perceiving the other to have an 'easier' chore and therefore refusing to do theirs, one child saying that the other caused whatever chore THEY are supposed to do and therefore not doing it ('I'm not clearing up THOSE toys! XXXX got them out!') etc etc.

My kids used to turn a simple request to tidy up into World War Three. They could argue, fight, storm out, lock themselves in rooms for HOURS and could outlast me by some margin.

They're all fine now in lovely clean homes, but just getting them to co operate with simple household chores that didn't directly benefit them (like making their own breakfast - they'd all do that fast enough) would often reduce me to tears.

Or maybe my children were just particularly feisty, argumentitive specimens.

zaphod usually i point out that Dd gets to go to bed same time as ds (who is older) and that's not fair either. That shuts her up.

zaphod mine do that, it’s certainly a slog. Ds2 never does anything wails my 5yo when asked to tidy. Ds2 just turned 2! But the 5yo can help get his breakfast, starting to help lay the table (why do I always do EVERYTHING?? He asks) , help with the cutlery and plastic plates from the dishwasher, mostly dress himself. It’s painful but getting there!

Your dss is lucky to have you op. I think it’s poor parenting to not teach children chores.

suitablecat - you see, if that was one of mine, they would just say, 'right, I'll go to bed earlier from now on then.' And then refuse to lift a finger. Honestly, they would have chopped off their own heads if it meant they could get out of helping in the house.

timeisnotaline, I think it was having five very close in age that made it hard. There was never that much of an age gap, so they could always find at least one brother or sister that was perceived to 'not be doing anything' to use as an example of why THEY didn't need to do anything. My eldest DD is ADD and found, say, tidying her room almost impossible. She'd shut herself in and read a book. Whereupon her four brothers and sisters would refuse to do THEIR rooms because 'XXX isn't doing hers, she's just reading!' When I tried to persuade XXX to put down the book and tidy, she'd not know where to start (ADD, you see) so I'd go in to help her, whereupon all the others would down tools because 'it's not fair, you're helping XXX and you're not helping MEEEEE!'

So I'd go round 'helping' the others, which would consist of them refusing to do anything because 'I didn't make that mess, that was (AN Other brother or sister). And me ending up doing it all in tears of frustration.

Gosh zaphod that sounds hard. I couldn’t even handle having two close in age! Although might stretch to three suitably gapped . I hope it’s all worth it now yours are older.

Admittedly my teenagers don't do chores but am trying to start now, my fault as I've always done everything.. they do get own breakfast etc but just starting to get them hoovering, cleaning bathroom etc
Bad mum 😔

@Zaphodsotherhead if you find a solution, please post it on here. Mine have subverted the arguing about housework. My 6 year old has always been awesome at laundry. He could read the instructions about whether or not to tumble dry something before he could read words. My 8 year old recently accused him of hogging the laundry. They always want to do the mopping, which my 6 year old is probably just slightly worse at than the average 6 year old (which isn't great). Why they can't just do the job I asked them to, I've no idea.
Please put these toys away.
'Can I water the plants?'
Well look out of the window (at all the water falling from the sky) and tell me what you think?

A note to those new to child labour - you have to scaffold well for it to be successful. If you are starting with 'put your own clothes away' then declutter the drawers so everything fit in easily. Use coats hangers that is don't require complex skills. Make sure they can reach everything.

Also break down instructions so that your think you are patronising them, then one degree more. Hopefully they will enjoy being more grown up.

His parent needs to be doing actual parenting, not just disappearing off to work to leave you to parent his kid. He chose to breed, he needs to be a parent and not palm his kid off onto the nearest woman. I’m sure he does ‘work hard’ or whatever, cool, but he also chose to produce a kid, and is falling short, hugely. A NT 12yr old who is utterly dependent on his fathers wife, like a baby, means his father has failed. The boy should know basic life skills and be building on them, massively. Stop this weird pandering, OP, there’s no need for it.

@timeisnotaline ad @Love51

Thank you for the solidarity. It was horrific (see my posts in thread about messy houses messing children up!). Absolutely awful. DS2 (who is now 26) says, whenever I mention the mess they'd refuse to clear up growing up, 'well, you should have MADE us clear up!' And I point out that, when they were small, I used to bend over them, holding their arms and making them scoop up their toys to shove back in the toy box and they would scream and cry - and that was the last time I ever managed to MAKE them do anything!

They are all lovely now! Clean homes, they all know how to clean and tidy, in fact, same son was indignant when he went to Uni at how many of his cohort came to him for advice on how to cook and how to use a washing machine! He didn't know how they didn't know how to do it!

I bit my tongue, because I could only assume the HE learned by some kind of psychic procedure.

zaphod
I think your kids were particularly unhelpful!
Had this briefly with DSS and DSD when they didn't want to do anything which helped their sibling, but they were otherwise quite helpful! I pointed out that when I asked them to do something like put dishes in the machine it wasn't reasonable to leave their brothers/sisters on the side. The jobs were for the benefit of everyone in the house.
Maybe ours were just more willing to bend than others!