Am I being unrealistic re step son?

[FoodAllTheFood]

DH has a son who lives with us most of the time. He is 10, nearly 11. He is a good kid and we get on well.

However, recently I'm starting to think that DH really needs to get him to do more for himself and around the house.

Right now he does nothing by way of chores. Obviously that isn't his fault but I mean he isn't made to or asked. You have to literally shout sometimes to get him to brush his teeth morning and night. Reading the thread about suncream had me thinking, there is absolutely no way he would think about suncream on a sunny day and DH would definitely still apply it for him.

He has never washed a dish or helped hoover or dust. He's never helped with a meal, even a cold one like making a sandwich for lunch etc...

AIBU to say that this isn't really great parenting? I feel like he is being set up for just having no clue as he gets older. I want to start tackling this before he gets into real teenager stage i.e. making him do some chores, not all the time but a couple of things a week.

I just keep thinking this is a child who will be in secondary school in really not that long and he would need help to make a sandwich still or wash a plate or make his bed.

Yeah the schedule thing was more just an idea so that DH was involved in the asking even if he wasn't here rather than just me as it's me who'll be with him mostly at the times these things will be getting done if you seem what I mean? So if there's no schedule, it likely will just be me asking him to do things and not his Dad.

I'm only throwing ideas around anyway, this is obviously something I'll have a proper conversation with DH about for how to do this in the long run. For now I'll just try introducing 'helping' me with bits of stuff.

Another one we've done which went well has been doing some DIY/household bits:

Got them to build a small flatpack and do some repainting
Plant some tomato seeds and keep them alive
I don't know if yo have pets, but animal care is also good for routine, responsibility and being less bloody selfish

All helps to frame as life skills and growing up, instead of chores and giving up the 5 star service he's probably getting now.

Oh i am certainly not trying to berate my SS. I love him a great deal, I spend a lot of time one on one with him. I completely understand that it's his dad who has never pushed for him to do anything for himself. I just want to find a way to slowly move on from that.

I have this conversation with my husband all the time. He's not doing our son any favours at all.

I can give you an extreme example of how your step-son's life might turn out, if he isn't taught some basic life-skills and expected to execute them.

My uncle was the youngest of 3 brothers. My grandmother (who lived in the SE) had absolutely doted on him and he was very spoilt and very entitled. As an adult, when he didn't get his own way, he'd sulk - and we all learned not to play board games with him from a very young age. He marries, they move to the Midlands, my aunt does everything for him until... one day... she simply walks out. He insisted that their 3 children (then between 3 and 9 years old) remain with him, full-time... and gets his 9 year old daughter to start picking up the household chores in her mother's stead. My grandmother, in the SE, literally sold her house in her 70s, and moved up there... where she took over the role of "housekeeper" for a man in his 40s. When asked if she'd lost her marbles, she said "he needs someone to make his bed for him in a morning - there's no one else..."

There was no one else, because, unlike her older sons, she'd not taught him how to do things for himself/others.

Because of that extreme glimpse into what life might be like for me in the future (because, as a mother, I understand my grandmother's maternal urge to take care of her child - even though he was a grown man with children of his own), I started teaching my son how to pick up after himself when he was a toddler. He's 16 now, does all his own washing, walks the dog, can cook (rather well, actually), helps with the garden, and DIY tasks around the house. It doesn't sound like a lot, but in comparison to some of his friends, whose mothers moan constantly in our SM group about how lazy their sons are... it'll do, for now. Oh, and he also knows how to not only make his own bed - but how to change the bedding, too!

Maybe phrase chores as "lifeskills" to your DH when you're addressing this issue, OP. Encourage him not to allow his son to turn into the sort of man most of us women despair about, one way or another. Because right now, believe me, he's actually not doing your stepson any favours at all

Honestly I think the things you mention make a difference to your life but not really to his

And? OP isn't the maid, so what if she would appreciate a little help around the house. We should all learn to do things to help others. It's called not being selfish. Sometimes kids need a little push not to be selfish.

Yes, it would be nice for them to help out but it's not vital

I don't think everything we get our kids to do has to be vital to their survival. There's nothing wrong with asking a nearly teen child to help out with some minor things around the house. Especially things like making his own breakfast, that is so basic and OP shouldn't have to run around making an 11 year old child a bowl of cereal or tidying his room for him. It's crazy.

I’m a little bit amazed that he wakes you to ask for breakfast of cereal/toast. I hope you get him to start that ASAP. I think it’s unfair to effectively keep a child unskilled so I think your ideas are fab, OP.

Mine are now 16 and 17 (girls but irrelevant would have done the same for boys)
Since late primary they have had chores and jobs in the house

Putting washing up away
Unpacking shopping
Pet chores
Taking recycling out and bins on bin day
Cleaning up after themselves
Hoovering etc

DD17 basically can do everything now including ironing.

They are not very good at cooking, they can make cakes and basic dinners but nothing very complicated. I think that’s my next goal

@contrary13

I can give you an extreme example of how your step-son's life might turn out, if he isn't taught some basic life-skills and expected to execute them.

My uncle was the youngest of 3 brothers. My grandmother (who lived in the SE) had absolutely doted on him and he was very spoilt and very entitled. As an adult, when he didn't get his own way, he'd sulk - and we all learned not to play board games with him from a very young age. He marries, they move to the Midlands, my aunt does everything for him until... one day... she simply walks out. He insisted that their 3 children (then between 3 and 9 years old) remain with him, full-time... and gets his 9 year old daughter to start picking up the household chores in her mother's stead. My grandmother, in the SE, literally sold her house in her 70s, and moved up there... where she took over the role of "housekeeper" for a man in his 40s. When asked if she'd lost her marbles, she said "he needs someone to make his bed for him in a morning - there's no one else..."

There was no one else, because, unlike her older sons, she'd not taught him how to do things for himself/others.

Because of that extreme glimpse into what life might be like for me in the future (because, as a mother, I understand my grandmother's maternal urge to take care of her child - even though he was a grown man with children of his own), I started teaching my son how to pick up after himself when he was a toddler. He's 16 now, does all his own washing, walks the dog, can cook (rather well, actually), helps with the garden, and DIY tasks around the house. It doesn't sound like a lot, but in comparison to some of his friends, whose mothers moan constantly in our SM group about how lazy their sons are... it'll do, for now. Oh, and he also knows how to not only make his own bed - but how to change the bedding, too!

Maybe phrase chores as "lifeskills" to your DH when you're addressing this issue, OP. Encourage him not to allow his son to turn into the sort of man most of us women despair about, one way or another. Because right now, believe me, he's actually not doing your stepson any favours at all

That's very sad.

Unfortunately you'll get a lot of posters saying how their child didn't wash a plate until 18 and is fine so expecting children to do any chores whatsoever is unnecessary. Bonkers to me.

To me it's not really about whether they'll be fine or not when they leave home. It's about having another person in the house who is perfectly capable and able to help out or even just do things for themselves but isn't. Why is that acceptable? Most people think it isn't acceptable from a spouse. Children are able to contribute a small amount from a certain age and in my opinion, they should because that's what happens when you live in a home with other people, you don't just sit back whilst someone else does everything whether or not that person is your parent. Obviously children being children need a a nudge and push to do this but it doesn't mean they shouldn't.

My grandson is 8, when he saw some very ripe bananas in a bowl recently he asked if her could take them home to make banana bread. Apparently no ripe(ish) banana is safe from him, apart from dealing with the hot oven he does it all himself. Stop doing stuff for him, he should be getting his own lunch, a sandwich or the like, if he doesn't he'll go hungry.

@Shizzlestix

I’m a little bit amazed that he wakes you to ask for breakfast of cereal/toast. I hope you get him to start that ASAP. I think it’s unfair to effectively keep a child unskilled so I think your ideas are fab, OP.

Thanks, yes I'll be doing this from tomorrow. You're right it is really not okay that he can't or won't make his own bowl of cereal. Like I say, he isn't daft he knows how to make it, he has just never been made to so doesn't.

I honestly don't think he'd know how to work the toaster though so that's something I'll show him.

Is he moving up to secondary school soon? Maybe tie it in with that, as he will end up looking like an idiot in front of his friends who get public transport to school if his dad won't even let him walk down the road or if he goes to a friends house for a sleepover and they have to sort out their own bedding and get their own food and he doesn't have the first clue.

I’m a grown ass woman and I can’t bake to save myself! Kids need skills, they need boundaries, they need responsibility. From a very young age my mother had me doing all
Sorts including cleaning the bathroom... looking back I think it was too much too soon - there has to be a balance between childhood/middle/adulthood and I don’t think that was necessarily the right way. I find I’m much lesss strict with my two, however , I am pushing more and more for them to ‘learn new skills’ so that they don’t end up loss and useless when left to their own devices. Toda is as good a day as any to implement some changes in your life which will benefit ss. He may be moody and kick up a fuss, but kids love nothing more than being told your proud of them and the effort they are making, and of thinking ‘I did that’. Start now and give him skills he can use throughout his life

@FoodAllTheFood

My DS is 12. He does his own washing; loads or unloads the dishwasher; he would dry up for me before we had a dishwasher; he can cook basic meals; he mows the lawn; he vacuums; he cleans up if he spills something; he puts the bins out. I don’t think making do any of these things for himself is unreasonable. The other day he did some jobs outside because he said they needed doing and it was bugging him

Jesus, that seems completely alien to me. Honestly DSS would not have a clue how to even begin doing any of those things.

I also don't know whether this is unreasonable or not but it things like, DH wouldn't ever leave him alone either. I'm not talking about in the house but say if he was in the car and needed to nip in a shop, he'd really not like leaving DSS in the car by himself whilst he went in. Or he'd not allow him to walk to school (which is literally down the road from our house) on his own say or he'd never let him just walk the dog up and down the road on his own etc...

There is a massive difference between 10 and 12. For starters your ds isn’t at secondary yet. I also think the post you quoted isn’t typical. My dd has just turned 12. She keeps her room tidy, puts her washing away, makes her breakfast, stacks / unstacks the dishwasher some of the time and does some extra care tasks for me due to my disability.

I think it's parenting choices.

I also think it is nice to be unburdened of chores as a child.

Although essential to teach children to cook I have never asked my kids to do chores.
Learning to unload a dishwasher or hoover are not life skills that need to be taught and can be done as necessary when child is an adult and has a place of his/her own.

I did zero chores as a child - it was very easy to work it out when I got my own place.

Oh and dd also puts shopping away.

@Whatisthisfuckery

YANBU OP, and there’s nothing worse than a grown man who is unable to look after himself, which is what he’ll grow into if he’s not taught and expected to do things now.

My DS is 12. He does his own washing; loads or unloads the dishwasher; he would dry up for me before we had a dishwasher; he can cook basic meals; he mows the lawn; he vacuums; he cleans up if he spills something; he puts the bins out. I don’t think making do any of these things for himself is unreasonable. The other day he did some jobs outside because he said they needed doing and it was bugging him.

Mine are like this. Very, very rarely do I have to load or unload the dishwasher. They mop, vacuum, hoover -I do normally make a list and then they pick. Please do not raise a man child -but the boy's father needs to step up here and have a conversation with you -start small. Water the plants, washing up etc and then move onto mowing the lawn.

Like another poster, I wonder if it's connected to your DH having been a single/main resident parent for a while.

My DS's dad did everything for him and actually became annoyed if DS tried to do stuff himself. He had been a single parent for about 3yrs when we met. He definitely over-compensated for DS's birth mum walking away.

He was also very anxious about DS walking to school alone, riding a bike, playing out, etc. His own childhood had been full of neglect and abuse so those feelings and fears were understandable, but I could not get him to understand that he was preventing DS from becoming a well-rounded human by forbidding him to do more or less anything outside of the house or alone.

DS is now in his mid 20s and still incredibly reluctant to do things for himself/alone despite having the ability to do so. He perceives the world as a very scary place and his sense of risk is massively out of proportion.

As a SP without children of your own, its very hard to push the parent to acknowledge that their child needs to gain independence.

@speakout

I think it's parenting choices.

I also think it is nice to be unburdened of chores as a child.

Although essential to teach children to cook I have never asked my kids to do chores.
Learning to unload a dishwasher or hoover are not life skills that need to be taught and can be done as necessary when child is an adult and has a place of his/her own.

I did zero chores as a child - it was very easy to work it out when I got my own place.

I guess we'll agree to disagree on that. As a PP said, is it not also about just helping out a little too though?

I do almost everything in the house which by default means I do almost everything for DSS, it would be nice sometimes to think I don't have to faff about making his bed, changing his sheets, washing his dishes from his room because he is going to sort it or at least help me do it. I'm not expecting some sort of child slave but just some small things to help out every now and then.

I do understand this won't happen overnight and I'm not expecting it to but I don't see a problem starting to make changes so he does a little more for both himself and the house in general.

My DC who are around that age can cook, make me cups of tea, bake, hoover, tidy own rooms, empty the dishwasher and groom the dog.

They live here and I am not their servant. They have to help me out. They get pocket money every month as a result.

I have 2 DSS 11 and 12 and when they are at our house they do get asked to do things to help out, they do the basics like tidying their room and picking up and taking their washing through and then folding and putting it away when its washed, they scrape their plates and will occasionally help wash some dishes.
They will help tidy the living room too but it does take a lot of prompting. Its often better to set a series of very specific tasks like pick up the building blocks then put the books back in the bookcase rather then just say tody the living room and and I only ask them to do this once in a while.
They make their own breakfasts and lunches though unless I'm making something big for everyone
But I have 2 younger children and the eldest one helps a bit with very simple things and she's only 4 so it would be insane for them not to do a few basic things to help too.

This has just reminded me of a time I was on holiday with DH's relatives. One of his adult, 20-something male relatives was sat at the table and asked me "where is the sugar" and apparently I responded "in the kitchen". He then looked at me blankly and in disgust as I was supposed to get up and get it for him so everyone said afterwards. It went totally over my head.

Does he get pocket money OP? I just got my 10yo a gohenry card and to earn his pocket money he has to do the chores I’ve specified - might help with the motivation!

Doesn’t have to be loads either, whatever you can afford - but it all adds up. For example, DS has to tidy his room (£1), do his drumming practice (£1), loss the dishwasher (£1) etc - it all adds up!

Sorry posted too soon - mean to say it all adds up - if he does everything on the list then he ends up with about £5 at the end of the week which is then his to spend as he chooses (Vbucks for fortnite usually!)