Am I being unrealistic re step son?

[FoodAllTheFood]

DH has a son who lives with us most of the time. He is 10, nearly 11. He is a good kid and we get on well.

However, recently I'm starting to think that DH really needs to get him to do more for himself and around the house.

Right now he does nothing by way of chores. Obviously that isn't his fault but I mean he isn't made to or asked. You have to literally shout sometimes to get him to brush his teeth morning and night. Reading the thread about suncream had me thinking, there is absolutely no way he would think about suncream on a sunny day and DH would definitely still apply it for him.

He has never washed a dish or helped hoover or dust. He's never helped with a meal, even a cold one like making a sandwich for lunch etc...

AIBU to say that this isn't really great parenting? I feel like he is being set up for just having no clue as he gets older. I want to start tackling this before he gets into real teenager stage i.e. making him do some chores, not all the time but a couple of things a week.

I just keep thinking this is a child who will be in secondary school in really not that long and he would need help to make a sandwich still or wash a plate or make his bed.

Was your DH a single dad for a few years, OP? Because this reminds me of the dynamic between my my DSis's DH and DSS. And like you, my DSis became his main carer whilst her DH worked long hours.

I don't know how he was with chores, but my BIL had certainly babied him for a few years and given in to him when he refused to eat veg. My DSis gently brought in changes to this, and of course when she had her own DC, there would be veg every day and her DSS has overcome his fussiness. (His dad had still been cutting crusts for him when making sandwiches.)

Is it maybe a case of overcompensating because the mum isn't in their lives as much as most children's mums are? I think that was the case with my BIL; his wife had left them both and he had been raising him alone with the help of his ex MIL. That did change later, though his dad's home was still his primary residence.

The DSS has grown into a lovely young man, 23 now and married with two little ones. He's also joined the army.

Does he get pocket money at the moment? Maybe linking some chores to him getting his pocket money would be a good start? Easy things like pulling the bins in/out, loading and unloading the dishwasher, setting and clearing the table etc. You would need to get your DH onside and try and get him to see that his DS needs to have some responsibilities in the home. If he sees him doing chores he may then see him as a bit more grown up and allow him more freedom outside the home to walk to school or pop to the shop.

@PurpleDaisies

That sounds like a good place to start then. Get him making his own breakfast and putting the stuff away/washing it up.

Then get him cooking with his dad-maybe they plan one new meal a week together including buying the ingredients/adding them to the weekly shop.

Yes this sounds like a good plan.

We did used to bake together which he enjoyed but sort of went off as he got older which is fine but he's never cooked a meal. I'll try and get him more involved in that with either me or DH.

Today his bed sheets need changing and I was going to do it later but I think I may leave it until later on and ask him to do it, I'll stay and tell him how.

He doesn't get pocket money no but this is something I have suggested to DH in the past.

He always agrees but it never seems to actually come to pass. He'll get him to tidy his room once and then just revert back to the way it was before. I think the only way we'll get this to work is to come up with a schedule and to stick at it even if there is some resistance. I.e. Monday hoover upstairs, Wednesday help Dad cook dinner etc etc... with some additional things for every day like brush teeth, make bed, make cereal, bring glasses out of room and wash etc...

Was your DH a single dad for a few years, OP?

Not single in the sense that he has always seen his mum either one or a couple of days a week but yes DSS has always lived mostly with him.

If you are home with him most maybe just get him to help. So at breakfast instead of pouring his cereal and milk ask him which cereal he's having and suggest to him he help himself to it.
At lunchtime, again if it's a sandwich get him to butter the bread whilst you prep the filling so he's helping but learning as well.
As for the bedding say something like , come on you can help me strip the sheets then I'll show you how to put the pillowcase on.

It's a subtle way of getting him to do half then next time you say remember how we did it last time? Do you think you could do it yourself? And then it becomes his job

He'll get him to tidy his room once and then just revert back to the way it was before.

That’s normal though isn’t it? I’m a grown up and that happens here!

I would be really wary of introducing a schedule like that. That looks like he’s being punished for doing something wrong.

It would be miles better to introduce new positive responsibilities like cooking, looking after his own room etc because he’s got so grown up now.

My younger ds is 12 and especially during lockdown I've started asking him to help so something like, could you start washing up? Start with the glasses and cutlery. Then I take over to do the larger plates, or I'll ask him to run the hoover around.
With laundry they all bring their washing down and dump in laundry basket, I have to remind them to strip beds but they'll put the clean sheets on and put their washed clothes away.
I don't have a list of chores for each of the older 3 but they do jobs as and when I ask them.

What I mean by revert back to the way it was is that DH will do it for him the next time it needs doing rather than again saying 'your room needs tidying again X'.

Perhaps not a schedule but it needs to not be a one off thing. I can just picture it, DH would agree, get him to hoover once and then it would never happen again.

My ds is thev same age. He's very capable in cub camp- but seemingly useless at home. His little sister is v capable and likes doing jobs. I'm determined not to fall into the trap of allowing his conscious incompetence, but it's a battle and i often feel like the only time I.speak to.him is to nag. But I'm aware I'm bringing him up to be someone's housemate etc one day. He can make bfast, lunch, put washing out, Hoover his room, kill shit on.fortnite.

Both kids need nagging to clean teeth, wash faces and use a plate.

Of course, I'd definitely start with some smaller stuff and help out. I'm not expecting him to just know. Like I say, if we did the bed sheets together tonight rather than me doing it on my own today thats a start and then next time I can ask him to try on his own/ask me if he gets stuck/help a little less.

I definitely think things like breakfast need sorting asap because he's not daft. He knows how to make a bowl of cereal, he's just never been made to do it for himself so doesn't.

I just think DH needs to be stronger in implementing these things regularly rather than just once. Things like, he never brings his dirty washing down. After a bath it's just thrown on the bathroom floor. He may be asked once to bring it down but after that DH will just do it or I will if I'm the only one in the house. That needs to be an every day thing imo.

And then things that help out the wider house like hoovering and washing up can be pocket money chores? When we get to that stage.

Now is a good time, secondary school isn't far away and he needs to be independent. I would suggest with your Dh to come up with a chore list (stacking dishwasher, helping with gardening, tidying room are starting points) and him to take over responsibility for his personal care (I was reminding about teeth at that age too but we made a checklist!) every few months it can be reviewed. In return pocket money can be a little more but with the expectation they budget for things out of it (a lesson in its self).

Now is a good time, secondary school isn't far away and he needs to be independent. I would suggest with your Dh to come up with a chore list (stacking dishwasher, helping with gardening, tidying room are starting points) and him to take over responsibility for his personal care (I was reminding about teeth at that age too but we made a checklist!) every few months it can be reviewed. In return pocket money can be a little more but with the expectation they budget for things out of it (a lesson in its self).

YANBU but I would say it is not unusual. My Dc didn’t do anything at that age and are helpful terms who can cook etc.

Just gently and naturally involve him in things alongside you both. Don’t introduce it like a punitive regime.

It’s definitely good to be thinking about these things-they need to start at some point.

My DC is 12 and wouldn’t brush teeth unless reminded, hates wearing sun cream so would never suggest it, doesn’t help with housework unless specifically asked and doesn’t help make dinner.

My older (young) teens do all those things though, so those years seem like a good time to learn!

Or my youngest is just really lazy

I have a 15 YO DSD & 12 YO DSS who do absolutely nothing at their mums and expect to do nothing at ours.

They expect to be waited on hand and foot. Ask them to do simple tasks and it’s met with a ‘why should I attitude’. They can’t put rubbish in the bin, use the toaster, cook anything for themselves (the 12 YO isn’t ‘allowed’ to use the microwave at home as his mum thinks it’s too dangerous.

IMO the patents are doing these kids no favours.

I would tackle this now as in my case it causes resentment.

Their dad wants it to be ‘fun’ when they come but that means we do everything for them. And it’s now really grating on me.

At 13 years old I remember I was cleaning my own room, doing some washing & cooking a meal once a week. The 15 YO can hardly use the toaster, can’t cook a single meal, can’t strip a bed, can’t do anything that means having the think for herself.

It’s sad, as their parents can’t see they aren’t helping them become independent adults with life skills.

I’ve now detached and I let their dad run round after them like toddlers.

Yeah, mine could do sandwiches, use the toaster, do toasted sandwiches, pour a bowl of cereal, cook frozen food, heat up beans etc by 11. My eldest by 14 could bake and decorate a cake and put together a flat pack double bed.

I don't think there is anything wrong with this nor slowly implementing a schedule or checklist whatever you want to call it. It means DC know exactly what and when they are to do things and can get used to the routine. I know my DC would definitely prefer knowing when things were to be done rather than being unexpectedly interrupted to go and wash up or whatever. If he is receiving pocket money for the things he does, it's not punishment, it's a give and receive situation which is perfectly normal.

I'd start with smaller stuff, or 'help Food/Dad with X' and then gradually move on to him doing it by himself. It doesn't have to be dressed as a punishment, especially if he's receiving pocket money in return. Soon when he's at secondary school he'll want a bit of his own money and I don't think there's anything wrong with getting children to earn a little bit of that by helping out at home.

This won't happen overnight but I think moving toward this is definitely not unreasonable.

Instead of a chore list, I would come up with a list of things you think he should be able to do by X ages.

Examples being:
Change sheets by 10
Wash and Iron School uniform before secondary school
Make a meal to a 3 day budget by 16

It doesn't all need to be daily grind, but life skills too.

I would also be presenting it to your DH as it being an aspect of parenting. By 16 he needs to be able to be capable of looking after himself if he needed to and how are you going to get him there. I have often fallen into thinking I should do everything for my DC to show I love them but my own mother reminded me this is not good enough parenting!

I'd start by teaching him some breakfasts, get him doing that. Do more of the fun things like cooking, and then implement a more infrequent chore. Saturday mornings get up change sheets. Next week, show him how to wash the sheets, next week get him to wash them and put them away.

Honestly I think the things you mention make a difference to your life but not really to his. They are exceptionally easy to learn later. My DS is 18 and off to uni and this summer he is loading emptying dishwasher, hanging up/folding laundry, learned to cook about 8 dishes/full meals, mowing lawn, he's dismantled the greenhouse for us, figured out how to use the electric mop, cleans his own room and bathroom, changes bed etc., as well as learned to drive (test cancelled due to Covid for the moment, but he's a good enough driver in my opinion), From nought to zero in a few weeks.

nought to 60 I meant!

Thanks. Some good suggestions.

I'm not overly fussed about having a set schedule or anything. It's more so that DH mostly knows this is to be a regular thing, not just a once and then leave it. I think we really need to make moves to make this into a regular thing that DSS knows about and is involved in. As I say, I'd definitely be up for giving pocket money for various stuff, I don't want it to be a punishment but even though DSS might not see it, I do think it's important to start.

I don't want it to just be me every time having to ask him to do this or that at random times. The point of a list was more so that DH could implement it even if he wasn't here if that makes sense? So say on X day, DSS knows that he is to help cook dinner or wash up even if Dad is still at work and can't physically ask him to do it.

I dont think a child of that age not doing much for themselves is at all unusual but it is a good age to start helping out more. I had to teach quite a few girls in my hall of residence at university how to cook basic meals and use the washing machines etc - not knowing how to do basic stuff isnt doing anyone any favours. Depending on the temperament of you, your DH and your DSS a set list of chores might not work - you dont want to spend the next few years arguing about getting simple things done but its worth finding a way for your DSS to learn valuable life skills and help out more- for everyone's sake

Yeah the breakfast thing will definitely be starting from tomorrow. I'll do the sheets with him tonight too and see how it goes.

I have a DS - he is now 22 and still doesn't always think to do chores voluntarily. He has, however, managed to live away from home and shop, cook, clean, launder his own clothes successfully.

At the age of 10/11 I wouldn't expect any DC to do chores. Yes, it would be nice for them to help out but it's not vital.

I think you are on scary territory posting this on AIBU. You will get pounced upon for berating your stepson. If he was your own biological son then maybe you are allowed to complain about them. Fwiw I have two stepsons and they also didn't do chores- just like my biological son.