Am I being unrealistic re step son?

[FoodAllTheFood]

DH has a son who lives with us most of the time. He is 10, nearly 11. He is a good kid and we get on well.

However, recently I'm starting to think that DH really needs to get him to do more for himself and around the house.

Right now he does nothing by way of chores. Obviously that isn't his fault but I mean he isn't made to or asked. You have to literally shout sometimes to get him to brush his teeth morning and night. Reading the thread about suncream had me thinking, there is absolutely no way he would think about suncream on a sunny day and DH would definitely still apply it for him.

He has never washed a dish or helped hoover or dust. He's never helped with a meal, even a cold one like making a sandwich for lunch etc...

AIBU to say that this isn't really great parenting? I feel like he is being set up for just having no clue as he gets older. I want to start tackling this before he gets into real teenager stage i.e. making him do some chores, not all the time but a couple of things a week.

I just keep thinking this is a child who will be in secondary school in really not that long and he would need help to make a sandwich still or wash a plate or make his bed.

Children "burdened" with househol chores!! My youngest DGS feels he is being burdened by having to go to school. I found when my DKs were young 3 or 4, they wanted to help, they didnt see prepping,cooking,washing up as chores, they were all fun things to do with Mum. Unfortunately, at around 8 or 9, it wore off, seemed to co-inside with them going off to middle school

My 12yo does his own laundry, loads the dishwasher (not very well to be fair), can make a couple of basic meals (mainly involving pasta and passata but stretching to bolognese on a good day) with minimal interference from me, change his bed linen, empty the recycling bins, and do some tidying and polishing. He doesn’t do many of these things willingly but he does do them with a bit of prodding. I’m with a couple of other posters here. I’m damned if I’m raising a son who needs looking after by a woman. Men like that are pathetic and deeply unattractive.

As a child even though my DM was a SAHP I always 'helped' from a toddler as did my siblings, this didn't mean that my bedroom was tidy or that I became a domestic goddess but I knew how to load a washing machine.
I applied the same approach with my DC and as both DH and I work full time they both understood that we shared chores. From an early age they were able to pour cereal an get a drink (plus turn on the TV so I could have a lie in). They always helped to put away their toys and assisted in other age appropriate tasks such as laying the table.

By the time they started secondary school I would do the washing and then they would help sort and collect their clothes. They understood if they didn't add their dirty clothes to the pile they din't get washed. Then this progressed to more skills such as operating the washing machine, the dishwasher, the hoover, the iron. Never as set chores on a schedule, more of a this is how we operate as a family.
I did stop doing their washing when they were about 15 and they started to do their own which was their choice.

At 18 they were both able to head off to uni with basic skills.

My grandma always said re children and housework that it was such a shame Enthusiasm was inversely related to ability

'Although essential to teach children to cook I have never asked my kids to do chores.
Learning to unload a dishwasher or hoover are not life skills that need to be taught and can be done as necessary when child is an adult and has a place of his/her own.'

It's not just teaching lifeskills - For me it's as much about the fact I don't want to be running around doing everything when I have two perfectly healthy and able children ( 8 & 10) who can help out, keep things tidy and look after themselves to a degree.
It was a happy day for me when they learned how to separate laundry and put a wash on!

It was a happy day for me when they learned how to separate laundry and put a wash on!

I wouldn't want anyone putting a wash on- that's my area!

I don’t get all this ‘kids should be allowed to enjoy childhood,’ and ‘they can learn it when they’re adults’ nonsense.

Just because my DS does a few jobs around the house doesn’t mean he doesn’t get to be a kid and enjoy himself. Doing the odd bit of housework isn’t polluting his innocence FFS.

Yes you can learn to vacuum when you’re older, but it’s not just about being physically able to do a task, it’s about instilling standards and learning how to maintain them. Even the laziest person can put the vacuum round once in a while when the place becomes a tip, but that’s not keeping a clean and tidy home.

Having a clean and tidy living environment is better for a person’s MH, and so is being productive. It’s nt just about practical skills, it’s life skills. One of the things I drum into my DS is that if he does things as he goes along they won’t build up into a massive problem. If he leaves his room to get into an absolute tip it’ll be much more effort and stress to then tidy it up. The way to avoid stress and arguments is to do small things so they don’t become big things.

Also, if you’re worried about somebody seeing the state of your living space then you know it’s not good enough. Keep it in decent shape and you never have to worry. It’s just a much more healthy way to live.