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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being unrealistic re step son?

132 replies

FoodAllTheFood · 20/07/2020 08:48

DH has a son who lives with us most of the time. He is 10, nearly 11. He is a good kid and we get on well.

However, recently I'm starting to think that DH really needs to get him to do more for himself and around the house.

Right now he does nothing by way of chores. Obviously that isn't his fault but I mean he isn't made to or asked. You have to literally shout sometimes to get him to brush his teeth morning and night. Reading the thread about suncream had me thinking, there is absolutely no way he would think about suncream on a sunny day and DH would definitely still apply it for him.

He has never washed a dish or helped hoover or dust. He's never helped with a meal, even a cold one like making a sandwich for lunch etc...

AIBU to say that this isn't really great parenting? I feel like he is being set up for just having no clue as he gets older. I want to start tackling this before he gets into real teenager stage i.e. making him do some chores, not all the time but a couple of things a week.

I just keep thinking this is a child who will be in secondary school in really not that long and he would need help to make a sandwich still or wash a plate or make his bed.

OP posts:
Evelefteden · 20/07/2020 10:58

All kids should help maintain the family home. Starting from toddlers putting their toys back after playing.

If a mother decides to unburden her children of chores she is teaching her children that it is the mothers role within the house to do all the work. That particular mother might be happy with it but your sons future wife might not be when her husband is sitting on his arse slack jawed watching his wife clean his mess up - teaching your dd that it’s her sole responsibility to pick up every one else’s shit to adding to her burden.

My kids are not slaves and they just do small things like washing up, hovering, wiping down things, cleaning the bathroom out, keeping their bedroom orderly and putting their washing away. They are 7&4

FoodAllTheFood · 20/07/2020 10:58

@Rinoachicken

Does he get pocket money OP? I just got my 10yo a gohenry card and to earn his pocket money he has to do the chores I’ve specified - might help with the motivation!

Doesn’t have to be loads either, whatever you can afford - but it all adds up. For example, DS has to tidy his room (£1), do his drumming practice (£1), loss the dishwasher (£1) etc - it all adds up!

Not yet but this is something I definitely don't mind doing.
OP posts:
contrary13 · 20/07/2020 10:59

@AintNoMaryPoppins - it was very sad. What was sadder, though (for me, at least), was the fact that the last 'phone conversation I ever had with my strong, funny, loving grandmother... when I dutifully asked how my uncle/cousins were, she burst into tears - and admitted that he and his sons treated her like the maid, she felt like a drudge, and was very lonely.

Why lonely? Her life-partner (not parent to her sons, and who had been very resistant to the move north, but went because they adored my grandmother) had died 11 months earlier, and she had no one to talk to in an evening, after an entire life of always being part of a family and its chaos. She was expected to be at her son's house (no room at the inn for her, despite the spare bedrooms!) for 0630 in order "to get the children up and ready for school"/make breakfast for them/get my uncle up in time for work - she spent her entire day cleaning their massive house, ferrying children around for after-school classes, appointments, etc., making the daughter's dance costumes, making dinner "for the family". And then, as soon as she'd served the dinner once my uncle returned to his sparkling clean house... she was "expected to leave".

My father and I conspired to have her come visit us for a while - during which time, we were going to try to convince her not to return. I lived in a 2 bedroomed flat at the time, and I was adamant that my daughter would be able to share with me, and my grandmother could live with me, instead. She was a huge part of my childhood, taught me valuable life-skills, loved me despite my many flaws, and I wanted to repay that by ensuring she was looked after "in her old age". Not treated like an employee by her own son/grandchildren. Because yes, my cousins treated her the same way that their father did. For years, my grandmother hated my aunt for leaving him them, but really? By the time all of this happened, I think she understood why my aunt walked out. Anyway. The day we were going up there? I'm getting my daughter ready to go out for the day with my mother, so that my father and I can... I don't know... rescue my grandmother, I suppose... it's early, maybe 7'ish, when my mother uses her emergency key to my front door. And tells me that my grandmother had dropped dead, with a heart attack, in hospital at 0435 that morning. She'd been admitted to hospital with a minor heart attack "probably caused by stress", the previous day - and my uncle hadn't even notified his brothers. I've always said she died from a broken heart, and my remaining uncle takes that to mean because her life-partner had passed not long beforehand... but nope. It was because of her youngest son's entitled behaviour towards her at the end.

I was banned from her funeral, too, incidentally, because I made no secret of how furious I was at what had happened to her, and my uncle didn't want me "making a scene" (which I wouldn't have, but at the life-partner's funeral I made it very clear to him precisely what I thought of him, so he already knew how I felt about the situation). My daughter (who was then 3) and I made one of the cakes my grandmother had taught me how to bake as a child, together, instead, then went to the park and watched all the old musicals that she'd introduced me to in the evening. It's just turned 20 years since all of this happened, and it still makes me very angry. I refused to speak to the uncle in question, or his sons, after my grandmother's death - and when my uncle died? I was invited to attend his burial - but politely declined, shall we say. The daughter is lovely, though. She's obviously a lot younger than me, but we talk from time to time, and she's... a very happy, very competant SAHM... whose sons help tidy their toys away when they're done playing. She's teaching them life-skills, because her father wasn't - and she saw how that turned out. My grandmother would be very proud of her.

So yes; for the lack of life-skills having been taught, a previously close-knit family was blown wide apart by a death that, had those skills been taught in the first place... probably wouldn't have happened. And that is very sad.

stepbackfromthecircles · 20/07/2020 11:02

I have an 8 year old and a 5 year old. This morning my 8 year old made herself a salad for breakfast and supported my 5 year old to get her breakfast and make her snack for school. My 5 year old asked where her clothes were and was dressed and brushing her teeth by the time I was dressed. They will make beds and do the bits of the dishwasher we deem safe for them to do. They also empty the bins. Some of my friends are horrified that I 'let' this happen but they are willing because they always have had jobs to do. I'm raising independent children and that includes being part of a team and hygiene.

Oh, and my 8 year old showers, washes hair successfully, brushes teeth and applies hand cream. Both of mine could make a decent snack and are on their way to being better cooks than I am. Children will change their ways, they just need the opportunity. It is viewed here as being part of the family team. He will change but he needs to be given the chance. Good luck!

Spinnyspiney · 20/07/2020 11:02

My DS (10) and DD (8) - clean rooms, make beds, tidy. Fold their clothes from laundry and put them away. Hoover. set and clear table, load and empty dishwasher. And generally pick up after themselves. They also make their own breakfasts a ,lot of the time.They can put a laundry load on properly, including checking pockets, not mixes darks with colours with whites.
DS can be really slow and awkward but has learned he can do it and it'll take 10 mins and be done or be a pain in the butt and take half a day but he'll still have to do whatever it is, and until the chore is done he can't play or watch tv.
I would not be picking up after a child that age any more than necessary.
The little one is keen but needs help sometimes but still has to get on with it as she's learning.
Start small and build.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 20/07/2020 11:04

My 11 yo has specific chores - clearing the dishwasher, putting clothes away etc. Can also cook if needed, does a lot of gardening without being asked.

But I still have trouble getting dc to notice when things need doing!

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 20/07/2020 11:05

My 6 yo has jobs of helping to bring the shopping in and taking recycling out (harder to mess up!)

Genevieva · 20/07/2020 11:07

I think this is an issue in most households, regardless of whether the children are step or not. I am guilty of doing too much for my kids. My son was not interested in pocket money until he was about 12 and wanted to pay a monthly subscription for a server. We still have issues with harrumphs every now and then, but he knows the score. Girls are a bit easier in my experience - there are many more things they want to buy so the incentive to earn pocket money is greater.

Zaphodsotherhead · 20/07/2020 11:09

You can also try pointing out to your DH that when your DSS is in secondary school they will send kids home to an empty house (if school has to be shut in an emergency). There is no expectation that an adult will be in to look after them. They are expected, at that age, to be independent enough to stay alone in a house.

So suggest to your DH that it's time to start preparing your DSS for this eventuality. He needs to be able to get to and from school alone, to make himself food, keep himself safe etc, because school will expect that as a basic minimum.

Plus he'll have the piss ripped out of him if Dad is still walking him to school and not letting him out to meet his friends without being there...

RedOasis · 20/07/2020 11:11

Reading some of the posts on here , I do wonder what some people contribute to their own mess fixing? Kids who apparently do it all including tidying their parents mess - when do they get the time to just be kids? Just a thought.... demonise me if you want ...

BlingLoving · 20/07/2020 11:16

I think there's a big difference between how many chores a child is expected to do and a child being infantilised when they're getting older. The former is a parental choice and broadly, comes down to personal values eg some families have lots of chores, others have chores in exchange for pocket money, others don't have regular chores but are asked to step up at certain times.

But infantilising a child, especially one who will be starting high school soon, is a much more serious issue. Whether you feel breakfast making is DSS' responsibility or not, he does need to know how to make himself something basic at this age. He also needs to be confident being left alone or doing things alone - surely your DH is not planning to drive him to high school every day? So if nothing else, he needs to learn to be confident out and about alone ahead of getting a bus/walking to high school very shortly.

I think your plans to get him doing things and teaching him as you go is a good one. DS is a bit younger and we've started doing things like getting him downstairs to set the table or insisting he takes his plate to the sink etc. He's about to start being in charge of vacuuming (although there's pocket money linked to this) but this is his first regular rather than ad hoc chore. He can, at a push, get himself a sandwich or a snack - but hates doing it and whines constantly! Grin

nannybeach · 20/07/2020 11:17

whatisthisfuckery, I am impressed!! Course all kids vary, my oldest DD, used was meant to wash up at a teen, would do it 3 or 4 times really badly leaving food on, then ex H would do it, which defeated the object. I think its great and absolutely essential to teach them life skills, without them, this is why we have so many snowflakes.

Thinkingg · 20/07/2020 11:18

Is it you doing the chores, or your DH? I feel like until your DH is on board, this is a battle you can't win - he will just undermine you.

Bumpsadaisie · 20/07/2020 11:19

My son is 9 in October. I wouldn't say we major on the chores/independence compared to some families I know but he can:

  • make a cup of tea
  • make flapjacks by himself
  • put his washing away in drawers (terribly messily but hey ho)
  • remember to get his wet trainers and lunchbox out of his bag after school
  • strip his bed and have a go a putting new sheets on
  • and he is a wizz at hoovering my car (in fact that is his special job!)

Daughter is 11, off to secondary soon, she can

  • cook a simple meal (pasta and homemade tomato sauce with grated cheese/boiled egg/beans on toast
  • clean the bathroom (smells like a detergent factory in there after, but hey ho!)
  • hoover/dust
  • put her washing away
  • change her bed
  • and is independent in relation to homework etc - so she knows what she has to do and does it asking me for help if needed.

I expect them both to shower themselves, remember to wash hair every other day, put their dirty clothes in the wash, hang up towels, brush teeth.

I also expect them to be totally ready for school before they go on their iPads in the morning.

Other kids we know do more though. Some make their own packed lunches, wash their own clothes, do ironing etc and DIY.

I think we are probably middling in terms of what we expect.

Thinkingg · 20/07/2020 11:24

Just saw that it's you doing most the chores. In which case, teach DSS (gradually, with plenty of scaffolding and encouragement) and stop doing them yourself. If DH objects, then he can take over the chores instead!

FoodAllTheFood · 20/07/2020 11:26

@Thinkingg

Is it you doing the chores, or your DH? I feel like until your DH is on board, this is a battle you can't win - he will just undermine you.
It is mainly me because I'm here more but DH does do things when he is.

It's not that I think DH would undermine me to be honest. I think he would agree and speak to DSS. It's keeping DH on the path of letting him do it himself that I think we will struggle with especially if DSS puts up a bit of a fight.

I also want DH to be involved in the asking but I don't see how we can really do this without some sort of pre arranged schedule/checklist as he just isn't here a lot of the time in the week.

OP posts:
Devlocopop · 20/07/2020 11:27

I'd definitely be up for giving pocket money for various stuff

No, no and no. It sends the message that doing the chores is optional, they can forgoe the money. So the chores get left undone and you or your Dh ends up doing it.

I am a SAHM with two teenage sons. No fucker pays me to do household chores.

Start small, and yes a "schedule" of sorts sets out the exectations. For a 10 year old the minimum they should be doing is putting their laundry into a laundry basket, stripping a bed and remaking one. In a morning they can fold the top of their duvet cover down to technically fold it in half, open a window and air the room and the bed. Later someone just flips the top half back into place for a made bed.

Teach him to make his own breakfast, cereal will be easy but buttering toast is a skill Grin

He should be setting a table and helping to clear it and wipe it down. Load stuff into the dishwasher etc. In primary school, they make a mess during art etc then the children clear it up, all the paint, or cut paper off the table and the floor.

This is teaching him the first steps to being a responsible adult.

And I had the misfortune to live with some right lazy fuckers in my first year of uni in a house. One 18 year old man had never even removed a supermarket pizza from a box, cut off the plastic and put it in an oven. Never. Couldn't even cook pasta. So if he couldn't cook for himself he certainly wouldn't clean a toilet after himself. Boak.

Cactuslove · 20/07/2020 11:28

I never had any chores. I think I was just like your DSS. I suppose its all about parenting choices. I loved hanging around my mum so learnt a lot by watching even if I wasn't 'doing'. I enjoyed a childhood unburdened by responsibility. I am able to keep my home going, I didnt need to be taught how to vacuum to be able to now for example. I cook and clean and manage all my laundry. I suppose everyone parents differently but don't think I'm any worse off for having not had chores as a child.

FoodAllTheFood · 20/07/2020 11:30

@RedOasis

Reading some of the posts on here , I do wonder what some people contribute to their own mess fixing? Kids who apparently do it all including tidying their parents mess - when do they get the time to just be kids? Just a thought.... demonise me if you want ...
To be honest, most of what I want is doing things for himself with the odd bit of helping generally in the house.

Like I want him to be able to make his own food (to a degree i.e. breakfast and a sandwich at lunch), to wash his own glasses from his room, to bring his own dirty clothes down to the laundry basket, to tidy his own room and help change his own bed sheets, hoover his own room etc...

I think the occasional chore for the general house too i.e. every now and then, help make dinner for us all or dry the dishes whilst I wash, set the table etc...

I'm not expecting him to do everything in the house but I don't see why he can't do more of his 'own chores', so the things that are for him.

OP posts:
Itsjustabitofbanter · 20/07/2020 11:31

I actually agree with a schedule. Actually written down and put on the wall. I’ve got one on the wall for each of my 3 children, a list of daily chores with a number of points that they get for doing each one, when they get a certain number of points they get x amount of money. There’s even extra chores for bonus points. Dd 2 is 9 years old and literally cooking sausage on toast for the family right now, she’s been given the go ahead for a hamster if she pays for it herself Grin

Evelefteden · 20/07/2020 11:34

Children burdened with relentless house hold tasks not being able to enjoy childhood Grin

Japanese children clean the entire school as part of their school day!

Western culture is so lazy compared to theirs

AintNoMaryPoppins · 20/07/2020 11:37

@Cactuslove

I never had any chores. I think I was just like your DSS. I suppose its all about parenting choices. I loved hanging around my mum so learnt a lot by watching even if I wasn't 'doing'. I enjoyed a childhood unburdened by responsibility. I am able to keep my home going, I didnt need to be taught how to vacuum to be able to now for example. I cook and clean and manage all my laundry. I suppose everyone parents differently but don't think I'm any worse off for having not had chores as a child.
See I don't get this argument about children just being allowed to be children and unburdened from this or that.

Yes a lot of childhood is about being fun and being a kid, but a lot of it is also about learning. Children go to school, they don't like it or enjoy it a lot of the time but they go, would you suggest they shouldn't so they can enjoy their childhood unburdened by having to go to school 5 days a week? That's an extreme example I know but the principle is the same to me, childhood is just as much about learning as it is about being fun.

To me, the life skill is not the chore itself, yes you can learn to hoover at 20 rather than 12 but the lesson is that you aren't the only person in the home and you shouldn't sit back doing nothing whilst someone else is treated like a slave doing everything for you. It's about learning to not be selfish and to contribute. That's the lesson, not how to work the hoover, but how to work as a team and help out others.

It may have worked out well for you and I'm not suggesting you are any of the above things. But as per a PP about her uncle, it certainly can lead to selfish, entitled behaviour. It's not something I'll be risking with my children.

speakout · 20/07/2020 11:37

I suppose its all about parenting choices. I loved hanging around my mum so learnt a lot by watching even if I wasn't 'doing'. I enjoyed a childhood unburdened by responsibility. I am able to keep my home going, I didnt need to be taught how to vacuum to be able to now for example. I cook and clean and manage all my laundry. I suppose everyone parents differently but don't think I'm any worse off for having not had chores as a child.

I totally agree.

I think childhood is such a lovely carefree time, we have the rest of our lives to be bogged down by responsibiities and chores. Like you Cactuslove I didn't have chores as a child and easily managed to run a home of my own.
I watched my mother and would sometimes help if I wanted to, but there was never any obligation to do so.

I actually question the value of having children do set chores. Is it to "teach" them how to do it ( lets face it there is not much skill in emptying a bin), or is it to instill some kind of ethic in a Calvanistic way? It seems even a little punitive to me insisting that a child must empty a dishwasher rather than play.

missymousey · 20/07/2020 11:41

Agree with PPs, he could be doing a lot more. Can you frame it in terms of being a member of the team, everyone doing their bit to run the household? If he begins to feel the pride that comes with being capable and contributing then chores might not seem like a punishment! There's a really good book called Boundaries with Kids, all about how you're raising a future adult and you constantly have to review what you're doing as they grow. Might be worth you and DH having a read.

titchy · 20/07/2020 11:42

say if he was in the car and needed to nip in a shop, he'd really not like leaving DSS in the car by himself whilst he went in. Or he'd not allow him to walk to school (which is literally down the road from our house) on his own say or he'd never let him just walk the dog up and down the road on his own etc...

That's pretty bad tbh....