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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband let child get sunburnt

299 replies

ReddyHell · 20/07/2020 02:40

Name changed.

My DH took my DD (14 and a red head) out all day doing an archery course, locally to us (we are rural but almost next door to the adventure center) . I insisted on taking hats and quizzed about sunblock but they rushed off before i could watch them apply it. They returned after 8 hours and DD has bright red burn over her face and arms. I had cross words with them both, but aimed it at DH who just said "she wouldn't keep her hat on" to which replied "you're the parent, either make her keep the hat on or come home".
DD is notoriously laid back and lacking in any common sense which is why I checked about the hat before they left because I half knew my DH wouldn't even cross his mind. I just can't trust DH to parent properly and support my totally normal safety advice and take affirmative action.
AIBU to be utterly fed up with DH?

OP posts:
PrayingandHoping · 20/07/2020 08:50

I an red head and pale skinned and learnt to be independent enough to know to use sun cream long before I was 14!!!

Yes your DH could have reminded her as he was there but I wouldn't land the blame solely on him. Your DD really needs to learn some responsibility for herself and independence.... she shouldn't need reminding to but sun cream on.

TinySleepThief · 20/07/2020 08:51

If she wasn’t going to be safe then he should have brought her home. It’s not really rocket science.

How exactly do you propose bringing a 14 year old home who doesn't want to go home....

Mmmmycorona · 20/07/2020 08:52

My 2 yo dd knows that we put suncream on to ‘stop you getting burnt’. I’m sure a 14 yo could understand.

Stircrazyschoolmum · 20/07/2020 08:55

I’m willing to bet your DD is far more capable than you believe her to be.

I wonder if her ditzy behaviour is a way she has found of getting love/reassurance from her parents? She’s the eldest of three girls, perhaps she’s freaking out a bit at being ‘grown up’ and unconsciously wants to be babied and reassured you are there for her? (You sounds very kind, and we all like to be looked after on some level!)

As humans we learn through our experience (if it’s hot and I touch it, it hurts!) That doesn’t mean you want her drowning, pregnant or getting run over so it’s time for some frank and honest chats. It’s time to go back to ABC.. Actions Bring Consequences. My 13 yr old DS went to the skate park with no sun cream the other day. Now his nose is bright red and peeling.. he is mortified and won’t forget next time!

I get that you worry for her and want to protect her but helicopter parenting isn’t setting your DS up for the wider world and at 14 she’s going to be out there very soon. What about DofE, rangers or cadets? Can you instil some life-learning through responsible third parties?

pregnancydiet · 20/07/2020 08:56

@MrsNoah2020 they work better than no suncream. They're the only one my son isn't allergic to and he's never burned (we do take other precautions though).

Kaykay066 · 20/07/2020 08:56

I have a red head too, I used to stick the one application stuff on him before school if it was hot, could you, if you were worried about them lacking any kind of common sense applied it yourself or made her and told her hat on or no privileges or however you discipline her? If there are no consequences for not doing as she’s told then how will she learn and if she will never be able to make decisions you or your husband should just do it, so yes be annoyed at him letting her get burned isnt good but I hope it’s taught him and/or him to be more vigilant and id be having him look after her now too, aloe Vera lotion in rye fridge is nice plenty fluids and pain killers for your daughter.

arethereanyleftatall · 20/07/2020 09:00

Yabu.
How are you babying her? Well, based only on your few posts so far...

  1. 'Before I could watch them apply it' . This is weird op. Seriously. Far far more damaging potentially than a bit of sunburn.
  2. 'I do let her fail. She failed her piano test 3 times as she didn't practise.' 3 times?!? So, a piano test costs about £100 if memory serves. You didn't let her fail. You kept paying for her to repeat it till she passed.
  3. 'I'm up with her now (3am) checking on her.' This is absurd op. Absolutely absurd. Again, she's not dealing with the consequences of her failure to apply suncream in her own. She has mummy there mopping her weary brow.

You are really really not helping your daughter here. Truly. Stop babying her or she will never learn. Common sense and independence are far far more valuable qualities than a A grade.

I'll wager she didn't have hyperthermia at all, that she went through a bottle of calpol a month as a baby, and has been to the doctors more times than I've had hot dinners.

You really need to let her sort her own problems out.

BlackSwan · 20/07/2020 09:01

I had a lazy nanny who let my 3 year old get sunburnt to the point of the back of his neck bleeding. That was a firing offence. This is irresponsible (and your daughter should also carry some of the blame) but i think you have to move on.

Robotindisguise · 20/07/2020 09:05

OP if she’s extremely academically bright she may lack common sense. This is common and a delay so will hopefully make up in time. However. The way to make that up is to have better expectations of her. It would be reasonable to say WTF at your DH in private, but I sincerely hope you said clearly to your DD it was her responsibility, her skin and she has no one to blame but herself, or she’ll never make those connections

tara66 · 20/07/2020 09:05

SKIN CANCER. So surprised at votes. Redheads are mostly likely to get it. There are many different types. NHS is quite slow dealing with this condition. I have had it and it is disfiguring. I have always hated the sun and never spent too much time in it. See some of photos on facebook of people with skin cancer on face - not nice. May take 30 - 40 years for it to occur.

Pinkyyy · 20/07/2020 09:06

I missed the part where you're sat up with a teenager at 3am for a bit of sun burn Grin

mrsBtheparker · 20/07/2020 09:07

I have two dds aged 15 and 12. They're both crap at things like this

Maybe that's because parents are unwilling to begin to let go and allow their children to take some responsibility for themselves at a much earlier age. Reading many of the posts on here, not on this subject particularly, it does seem to this old lady that parents are starting to let go later and later and it's their children who suffer.

QuestionMarkNow · 20/07/2020 09:10

I voted YABU because I really think that at that age and with her skin type+reminders, she should know better.

However, it also looks like she is immature and is still unable to not look after herself properly.
And I suspect it spans over lots of different areas too.

It might also be that she is right in the middle of a teenage crisis where anything a parent says is wrong and she obviously knows better.

Time to teach her to be more responsible overall whilst she matures a bit more and stop being stubborn (not easy, ds2 is like this atm...)

Poppinjay · 20/07/2020 09:10

How exactly do you propose bringing a 14 year old home who doesn't want to go home....

Is this a serious question?

14 year olds are still children. If you can't get them to do something they don't want to do, you've got far bigger issues than a bit of sunburn occasionally.

You tell them to get in the car and they do it. If they refuse, you use whatever behaviour management techniques you usually employ. How do you think schools do it? Confused

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/07/2020 09:12

I suspect that the OP won't be coming back but just in case she does - even if she doesn't have any developmental delays, she may have ADHD. Her inability to plan ahead and foresee consequences could well be linked.

As to whether this is her fault or your DH's, well it's really a combination. Of course it's hers, because she IS old enough to know better - but on the other hand if her father knows full well that she frequently "forgets" or doesn't do the right thing, then he should have helped her out, not just let her burn.

I burnt several times as a teen in the UK (also redhead, pale skin) and it isn't at all pleasant. Worst was revising in the back garden for my O levels - I fell asleep, oops! - and the burn just kept developing after I went indoors. Mum gave me calamine lotion but it just dried the skin out (bad idea) and next day my whole chest/shoulder area was one massive blister, which burst when I rubbed it (it was itchy). Now THAT was fucking painful. But my own fault, of course.

However, there is no need to be sitting up with her unless you believe she actually has heatstroke, which I've also had and is truly horrible.

I also don't agree that, in the UK, she needs to be wearing sun screen daily. I live in Australia now and I don't wear it daily either, but I probably would have as a youngster. Vitamin D is made through sun exposure and we need to have some sun to make it - not too much so that we burn of course, but some.

However, for any length of time in the sun, sunscreen is imperative. She needs to learn this, and fast.

DCIRozHuntley · 20/07/2020 09:13

I agree that your DH should have taken more responsibility. Unfortunately men do not notice these things so well.

Good lord. If a man can hold down a job, drive a car or organise a night away with his mates he can remind a kid about sunscreen.

They're both to blame, your daughter should be taking (lots) more responsibility at that age but it would have been kinder for her dad to remind her, or to ostentatiously apply his own suncream to give her a kick up the bum to do hers.

Ickabog · 20/07/2020 09:15

14 year olds are still children. If you can't get them to do something they don't want to do, you've got far bigger issues than a bit of sunburn occasionally.

Been a while since I was a teenager. However, a teenager refusing to do something they don't want to, sounds like pretty normal teenager behaviour. Confused

MrsNoah2020 · 20/07/2020 09:15

[quote pregnancydiet]@MrsNoah2020 they work better than no suncream. They're the only one my son isn't allergic to and he's never burned (we do take other precautions though). [/quote]
Sure. But the earlier post was suggesting that the OP's DD could put on a "once a day" sunblock when dressing, and then not have to worry about re-applying. That is dangerous advice that I see all the time on MN.

Standrewsschool · 20/07/2020 09:15

Actually, I’m also wondering why the father needed to be there all day, especially as it was near to you. Why didn’t he return home, whilst she was doing the course?

TinySleepThief · 20/07/2020 09:18

Is this a serious question?

Yes in this instance it was a serious question. If she doesnt follow the rules on protecting herself in the sun and doesnt do as she is told in wearing a hat then i very much doubt she would comply and get in the car and go home. She isn't going to care if she has privileges taken away because she thinks she is in the right, it would most likely have just resulted in her being even more stubborn about the situation. Sometimes no amount of behavior management is going to resolve a situation.

Letseatgrandma · 20/07/2020 09:23

The reason she's like that is because you and your husband blame each other when she fucks up.

This.

Hopefully, what she has now learnt, is that sunburn hurts and as a red head she should take precautions in future. Hopefully now, she’ll wear a hat/put on daily sunscreen/stay in the shade.

Hopefully, what she hasn’t taken from this is that getting sunburnt over the weekend was her dad’s fault.

Your daughter and your husband both sound rather forgetful-are they similar?

I’d get onto Amazon today and get her to choose a hat she likes and a sunscreen she likes, so she takes ownership of this one in future.

MsTSwift · 20/07/2020 09:26

My just 13 year old went on a spanish exchange alone last year and didn’t get burnt. I see this babying of teens all the time it’s atrocious parenting. It’s like people struggle to move on from the mindset of parenting toddlers.

PhilCornwall1 · 20/07/2020 09:27

How exactly do you propose bringing a 14 year old home who doesn't want to go home....

If this is a problem with a 14 year old, then there are other issues too.

Fine, if they won't come home at that point, they will eventually. By that time, their bedroom would be unloaded of all the nice things they like (tablets, laptop, etc.). They wouldn't be going out for a while once in, phone if they have one handed over.

Life would probably be pretty shit for a while, but they'd learn.

Rwoolley · 20/07/2020 09:30

Goodness me

Most children 7+ know how to apply sun cream, our local schools have policies where they don't apply cream to children in y1 and over due to safeguarding.

Unless she has developmental delays the fault with your child being so unable to care for herself lies squarely with you and your husband

Porcupineinwaiting · 20/07/2020 09:31

She's 14. Stop getting between her and the consequences of her (in)actions and she will learn quite quickly.

IME most teens/young adults get caught out by the sun a few times then learn to take care. She will learn more quickly if you stop blaming daddy.

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