Husband let child get sunburnt

[ReddyHell]

Name changed.

My DH took my DD (14 and a red head) out all day doing an archery course, locally to us (we are rural but almost next door to the adventure center) . I insisted on taking hats and quizzed about sunblock but they rushed off before i could watch them apply it. They returned after 8 hours and DD has bright red burn over her face and arms. I had cross words with them both, but aimed it at DH who just said "she wouldn't keep her hat on" to which replied "you're the parent, either make her keep the hat on or come home".
DD is notoriously laid back and lacking in any common sense which is why I checked about the hat before they left because I half knew my DH wouldn't even cross his mind. I just can't trust DH to parent properly and support my totally normal safety advice and take affirmative action.
AIBU to be utterly fed up with DH?

As parents, you have responsibility to educate your children on potential dangers.

I would assume, as a light skinned red head, that by 14 she should be well educated by her parents on what might happen to her if she isn’t careful in the sun. If she failed to heed the advice and to use the precautions that you had supplied her with, I would supply aftercare treatment but I would not be up in the middle of the night fawning over her. I would also be cross with her for not following safety rules, I wouldn’t be cross with DH.

She could choose to be living independently from you in as little as two years. I went to uni at 17, as did hundreds of teens, in a city far from home. You have a short amount of time left to teach her to be responsible for herself and that includes managing the after effects of her careless behaviour herself too.

@TinySleepThief

Regardless of whether she should/ shouldn’t have taken responsibility for herself, the fact is she wasn’t so your DH should have taken action.

What action should he have taken because so far I fail to see how he could have stopped her burning.

He couldn't force a hat on her or hold her down and apply suncream. He couldn't physically remove her from the situation and as I explained above if he told her she couldn't do the activity unless she was protected and she ignored if threats of removing her phone or pocket money etc didn't get her to comply what other options did he have?

Well sure, she’s ignored all that because her parents have been pandering to her for 14 years!

If I was the parent, I would have gone home and left her 🤷🏼‍♀️ The activity centre was practically next to their house after all!

@Savingshoes

A burnt child is an abused child. You and your DH are unlikely to be around when the skin damage truly affects her... She'll be well into adulthood and could develop skin cancer.

Jesus Christ what a load of crap. We must be terrible then, he's beetroot red, it's the silly buggers own fault and the same for the OPs teenager. They are old enough to know what to do.

This is the problem with the generation coming up now and the ones after that more than likely. Too many coddled children where parents don't/won't let them think for themselves.

I could worry about the future of this country, if I could be bothered.

My DD3 is much the same, always has to learn the hard way, you can never tell her anything and shes a lot older!

Perhaps your DD will now laarn from her painfull experence!

Personally I wouldn't let a 14yo burn in my company as I'm all too aware of the lifelong damage it can cause. I'm quite surprised at the number of posters who appear so blazé about skin damage - it only takes one bad burn to massively increase your chances of cancer and if the DD is pale and red-headed she's already at a massively increased risk as it is!

This isn't the same as forgetting to practise piano or do homework - bad burns as a teenager can lead to cancer as an adult - there's a direct link so I'm not sure why some people are just insisting they'd leave their children to it!

This sounds like competitive parenting to me. DH has been labelled the bad parent who harmed the 14 year old and can’t be trusted to parent properly. Op is the good parent, the saviour who would never have let this happen and is now proving that by nobly staying up into the night tending the child whilst bad dad sleeps on.

IMO parents who act like this, constantly trying to prove that they are the better, more giving and loving parent are deeply insecure. They don’t feel lovable and so try to earn the child’s love by being better than the other one. It doesn’t work. Children love who they love regardless of a merit system. They are just as likely to love a feckless, irresponsible parent as the one who fulfils all their nutritional and health needs.

When D.C. were little I looked after them during the week while DH worked and then at weekends he’d be in charge while I worked. On weekdays they had organic, home cooked, well balanced meals and limited screen time. When DH was in charge they often had crisp sandwiches or a takeaway pizza in front of endless episodes of Rugrats. Clearly that made me the good responsible parent and more worthy of love? Luckily it doesn’t work like that. D.C. loved and still love each of us
equally but differently. We each bought different things to parenting. Neither was perfect but each style was valid.

YABU. Your daughter is old enough to deal with suncream herself. Stop babying her or she will never learn to be independent! I honestly thought she was going to be a toddler when i opened up the thread

@pregnancydiet

Oh and practically I'd advise buying her some p20 factor 30 or 50 that she can put on in the morning everyday of summer as part of her getting ready routine. If she forgets, it's on her.

Please don't do that. 'All day' sunscreens do not work link. The British Association of Dermatologists does not recommend them link

If I was the parent, I would have gone home and left her 🤷🏼‍♀️ The activity centre was practically next to their house after all!

Well I have to say I would have done the same, there is no point arguing with someone who doesn't believe they are in the wrong and that there will be consequences, it's just a watse of breath.

However had this happened I've no doubt this it would have led to the OP posting a thread lamenting that no only had her DH allowed their child to get sunburn but also about how her DH had abandoned their child.

*Dd

She could have ADD/ADHD (usually characterised by concentration and attention difficulties, daydreaming or hyperactivity, and impulsivity like getting into danger) or executive function problems, ie not being able to organise self to remember belongings, meet deadlines, keep tidy etc. you need to get on to that as the strategies you are trying so far are not working. They will disable her when you are not with her.

But yes, I think under the circumstances of her difficulties I can understand why you are cross with DH.

Ridiculous babying. She is old enough to look out for herself and I certainly wouldn't be sitting up all night with her either. If she's not good at remembering (like most teens) put the sun cream in her bedroom the night before and remind her then. She should be capable of seeing it and being reminded. My 13 year old has been raised to be independent and think for herself, admittedly there are lapses of common sense but on the whole she can do it when it's required.

Honestly, re-reading the OP, I don’t think this is about the kid or the sunburn at all. It’s about the husband and OP wanting to justify being furious with him. Maybe I’m reading between the lines too much, but the posts all seem to end with a valedictory snipe at OP’s husband. Something else going on here and the daughter is in the crossfire.

@ReddyHell sorry but I think although your dh should probably have encouraged more the "blame" does lie with your dd. Even at 6 dd is expected to put suncream on herself when at school. If 6 year-old can manage it then I'm sorry but there is no excuse for a 14 year old not being able to. Especially as you say she has no other issues.

Your dh should have tried harder but ultimately at 14 your dd needs to learn to manage herself and whilst I don't think you are necessarily baying her, I do think you are excusing her lack of thought in order to chastise your dh.

Are there bigger issues in your relationship with him to drive such anger at him over something that isn't realistically his fault?

I'm surprised at the laissez faire attitude to sun damage here. One bad burn in childhood CAN cause skin cancer. My fair skinned DM had her first skin cancer in her twenties so has spent at least 40 years being super careful. She still has a new skin cancer turn up at least annually and she is utterly fed up with suffering for damage done in her teens. Sun damage is no joke and not just a rite of passage or a learning curve that everyone should go through.

I was assuming adhd characteristics as well as usually with adhd it’s out of sight out of mind; as in it needs to be in front of their face to remember it. My 4 year old will apply her own sunscreen when prompted and I go round and reapply so I don’t see how a 14 couldn’t unless there is an additional issue with remembering. In which case a UV wristband may be a good Idea (my sister uses on my nephew who is autistic).
It changes colour when it has absorbed uv to a certain amount so acts as a visual reminder to apply the sunscreen, helpful for those with autistic or adhd characteristics that just can’t remember otherwise

YANBU I nag my teens to put on sun cream and even my mother the other day! I hope she’s ok, i got terrible sunburn as a teen once and it was awful. Your dh knowing your dd could have been more insistent but prob just opted out of the battle. Since when did we stop parenting teens and expect them to make their own decisions sensibly?

YABU and whether you like it or not, you are babying her. What else you you have to remind her to do? Brush her teeth? Change her sanitary towel?

I wonder what you'll do when she's 14 & still letting the lobster look rock. She may feel it's inevitable.

If I let the kids get a sunburn I would hope my DH wouldn't get into a rant about it.

Sorry but I agree with everyone else. You’re babying her (and him - you were actually going to watch him put sun cream on?!)

OP, I get you.

I have a very bright DS who can think and reason in ways that astound me but he has very few practical skills or natural common sense.

I think his brain is just wired differently, that’s all.

I do need him to learn how to manage the practical stuff for independent living, but I haven’t figured out the best way to do that yet. Luckily, it will be a few years before he leaves home, so there’s hope...

@TinySleepThief

Regardless of whether she should/ shouldn’t have taken responsibility for herself, the fact is she wasn’t so your DH should have taken action.

What action should he have taken because so far I fail to see how he could have stopped her burning.

He couldn't force a hat on her or hold her down and apply suncream. He couldn't physically remove her from the situation and as I explained above if he told her she couldn't do the activity unless she was protected and she ignored if threats of removing her phone or pocket money etc didn't get her to comply what other options did he have?

If she wasn’t going to be safe then he should have brought her home. It’s not really rocket science.

You’re looking for an excuse to be ‘utterly fed up’ with your husband.
Your teenager is 14. Most children take responsibility for their own sun cream in primary school. You know this, there’s no way you can’t. If they’re NT, then this is 100% on your DD and hopefully she’ll be more careful next time.
You don’t need a reason to be fed up with your husband, if you’re unhappy, leave him. This is a ridiculous ‘reason’ though.

Wow. She should 100% be taking responsibility for her own sun protection at 14 years old. If she can't, you need to investigate why.

My academically able, talented and very articulate DD1 who didn't seem to learn from this sort of natural consequences turned out to have ASD. I was shocked beyond belief and never would have believed it if it hadn't been for CAMHS.

I would have been cross with my DH for allowing that to happen too. It isn't an appropriate natural consequence.