Husband let child get sunburnt

[ReddyHell]

Name changed.

My DH took my DD (14 and a red head) out all day doing an archery course, locally to us (we are rural but almost next door to the adventure center) . I insisted on taking hats and quizzed about sunblock but they rushed off before i could watch them apply it. They returned after 8 hours and DD has bright red burn over her face and arms. I had cross words with them both, but aimed it at DH who just said "she wouldn't keep her hat on" to which replied "you're the parent, either make her keep the hat on or come home".
DD is notoriously laid back and lacking in any common sense which is why I checked about the hat before they left because I half knew my DH wouldn't even cross his mind. I just can't trust DH to parent properly and support my totally normal safety advice and take affirmative action.
AIBU to be utterly fed up with DH?

Yeah, yabu.

Time to teach your 14 year old how to wear a sunhat and apply suncream.

I spent a lot of my childhood in NZ, in the days where you were more likely to apply 'baby oil' to 'get a tan' than sunscreen. I still rarely wear it as I rarely burn unless I'm sitting still in the sun and that's almost never.

But these days I make sure any children are well protected as we know how much damage it does.

I'm trying to remember to put it on my face before I go out in a 'this horse has already bolted' fashion as I have a pink/dry flaky skin area on my nose and I'm worried about it (but I have been more worried about COVID & not wanting to have anyone that 'up close and personal near my face) but I think I'll make an appointment this week withnthe 'skin' GP.

So these days I don't think it's good parenting to let children burn if they won't listen, even though it's on par with lessons I'd let them learn for themselves. For me, this is too risky for future melanomas etc. Like letting them 'learn the lesson' of walking out in front of a car while you just watch them.

@ReddyHell. It's possible to be 'Able & Talented' as well as having SN. SN's are often overlooked in girls. I'd definitely be getting it checked out. & I'd be none too happy with DH either! If he realised she needed it, he should have made her wear her hat & sunscreen, he's a bloody idiot.

Does the 14 agree with you that it's Bad Dad's fault she's got sunburn and is now having to have 1-1 overnight care? Sounds quite exhausting!

She needs to be accountable for her actions. Gosh when ds who was 11 started senior school they were told they were responsible for their uniform and ensuring they had they the correct PE kit and equipment for the school day. Excuses like blaming parents didn't wash and they would be given detention if it was repeated pattern of behaviour.

Legally she’s probably Gillick competent

@Porcupineinwaiting Oh I’m sorry I hadn’t realised you were the Thread Police. I consider myself Officially Told.

Thank you for pointing out the toe curling error of my ways.

If I was spending the day in the sun, and my companion was starting to look a little pink i would mention it. This applies if it's my husband, Mum, friend or child...... it's being caring. Sometimes other people can see it before the person getting burnt feels it!
That said, I wouldn't force an adult to do anything about it if they weren't bothered. My 14 year old though? hmmmm, I think I still have a responsibility to protect him.
I'd be a bit annoyed in your place OP. I find Mumsnet very blasé about the dangers of sunburn.

Totally agree with Incredibly Sad. You said it better than I did!

@CaMePlaitPas

Yeah, yabu.

Time to teach your 14 year old how to wear a sunhat and apply suncream.

Where do you get the idea that she hasn't been taught? There's a difference between never having been taught and simply forgetting.

I still have to have a go at my dh to put au cream on op. And he’s not 14! And I have to really have a go at my kids to put it in as well.. yes sometimes kids learn from
Mistakes and mishaps and other times it take them longer. Your dh is the adult and should have been a bit more assertive I think. Just because you SHOULD be able to do something ( by mn standards anyway) doesn’t mean you WILL or CAN. don’t beat yourself up. Maybe the agony of sunburn will make her more careful in future?

@devildeepbluesea

All these posts about how the British don't take sunburn seriously....missing the point by a country mile folks.

The point all the sensible posters are making here is that the person in question is 14 years of age and appears not to have learned any common sense or ability to self-care. At 14, NT people should have grasped the consequences of no sun cream, or no bike helmet, or no seat belt. If they haven't then the parents are doing something wrong.

If your child is at risk of burning and eventually getting cancer, isn't it the right thing to do as a responsible adult to remind them and protect them? Whether they're four or fourteen?

One bad burn is all it takes for people to develop skin cancer, yet on here it's just a lesson to be learnt

@ReddyHell

I really don't see that I am treating her "like a baby". How? As I've said, she has a history of being actually physically harmed by not either following advice or by not seeing the consequences. I have also allowed her to fail on lots of occasions to try and help her understand consequences etc. I couldn't care less about the missed homework, exams etc but exactly how much harm do I need let her come to before it's not seen as "babying"?

I think the point is you are blaming the other parent. You should care about the exams and when she expresses regret about not studying you should ask her what she’s going to do differently the next time. Re the sunburn thing you need to have a discussion with her and tell her about the serious consequences of skin cancer etc. You need to teach her to understand and modify her behaviour (and yes that should include light punishment in some instances but it might not in others). Main thing is it’s not your DHs fault.

One bad burn is all it takes for people to develop skin cancer,

Same for a lot of things. Which is why parents need to instil a sense of self responsibility way before teenage. And yes let them fail.

Realistically a handful of bad sunburns as a teenager is better than burning every month as a 20 something old. Or are you suggesting OP continues to check her dd for sun cream when she's in her 20's?

Can I make a suggestion?

Coloured sun screen.

A bright blue stripe across her nose so you can see it has been applied. She will probably hate it but if she does then that is an incentive to put on sun block before she goes out and to wear a hat.

There are LOTS of things I would let my kids do wrong to learn a lesson from, however, getting sun burnt is defo not one of those times to teach a kid a lesson. Almost verging neglectful in my mind.

One bad burn is all it takes for people to develop skin cancer, yet on here it's just a lesson to be learnt

No, it increases the chances just like many other things. I don't get why people are so terrified of the sun in the UK. It definitely explains the increase in vit D deficiencies though.

A lack of vitamin D can lead to bone deformities such as ricketss_ in children, and bone pain caused by a condition called osteomalacia in adults.

Newer studies suggest low levels of vitamin D can be linked to numerous health problems including diabetes, pain in your muscles and bones, high blood pressure, multiple sclerosis and even some types of cancer.

I agree that your DH should have taken more responsibility. Unfortunately men do not notice these things so well.

Lazy men choose not to notice these things.

Shit fathers can't be arsed to learn how to parent.

Vindictive fathers do nasty things to upset mothers.

Decent, normal, nice, present in the moment fathers are no less capable than mothers of noticing things. At all!

It's this infantilising "ugh men, what are they like eh?!" attitude that perpetuates the lack of responsibility expected of fathers and the default mothers will think of everything.

In this case, the child is 14 and knew it was a super hot day and that she was exposed. She should have taken the initiative to put on suncream. He could have reminded her but if she didn't want to then she needs to learn the hard way that actions have consequences. Instead she has sunburn and mum sitting up with her at 3am to keep an eye on her... very strange.

It sounds like there is so much tension already between mum and dad in OP's home that she is perhaps extra likely to see reasons to criticise him at the moment.

*Lazy men choose not to notice these things.

Shit fathers can't be arsed to learn how to parent.

Vindictive fathers do nasty things to upset mothers.*

I think it's more of an out of sight out of mind issue, which tends to be predominantly men in this instance as they don't use suncream or sunscreen products(lipbalms,foundation etc) as much .

OH doesn't burn and never uses suncream. It would rarely cross his mind that DD might need it. He'd probably insist on a hat and drinking loads on a hot day though.

I have a pale skinned 18yr old who came home from a cricket match last weekend burnt to a cinder 🙄. The last thing I said to him as he left was 'don't forget suncream, mask, sanitiser'.

This is about the 4th time he has got burned since he was about 13 and each time he berates himself because he forgot, or it was a bit cloudy so didn't bother or some other such excuse. It was quite bad but we have been talking about burning (even when it's not so sunny) as long as I can remember and he's only home because of lockdown, I wouldn't normally remind him.

I roll my eyes and say nothing! This time he walked in the door and before I could speak he just went 'yes I know I know, stupid'. I just said 'that's what you said last time'.

You can't 'make' them wear it as a teen, you just have to equip them with the knowledge from a young age. And they will all forget or choose not to at least once.

Re the sunburn thing you need to have a discussion with her and tell her about the serious consequences of skin cancer etc. You need to teach her to understand and modify her behaviour (and yes that should include light punishment in some instances but it might not in others). Main thing is it’s not your DHs fault.

It sounds like the OP has had exactly those conversations with her DD already.

I love how the DH isn't at fault for her getting burnt when he was with her and watching it happen but the OP is at fault for bringing up her DD wrong. Why isn't the DH also responsible for not having taught her to manage her own sunscreen?

By taught, I don't mean just deliberately letting her learn from the consequences of getting burnt because that's a shitty and dangerous thing to do.

I love how the DH isn't at fault for her getting burnt when he was with her and watching it happen

It's not like he sat there watching her sizzle and steam like a sausage.

Given OP's penchant for exaggeration (the whole awake at 3 am checking on a 14 yo thing) I actually wonder how burnt DD really was.

@ReddyHell

Please google 'executive function' it's all part of the (dis)organisational thought processes that affect daily life.

People with executive function deficits are often described as having no 'common sense' In general. they display most of the characteristics you've posted about your DD.

Kids with executive function disorder cannot just absorb 'common sense' by repeated instructions, chiding and shouting, they need to be parented differently.

If your DD does have this, and from your posts it sounds as though it's a possibility, then you need to change your expectations of her and change your parenting techniques to help her with her difficulties.

Currently all you are doing is telling her she has a problem and offering no help or solutions. That will never change the situation.

Also, lots of people who have difficulties in those areas present emotionally as around two thirds of their chronological age.

Please investigate.

@titchy

One bad burn is all it takes for people to develop skin cancer,

Same for a lot of things. Which is why parents need to instil a sense of self responsibility way before teenage. And yes let them fail.

Realistically a handful of bad sunburns as a teenager is better than burning every month as a 20 something old. Or are you suggesting OP continues to check her dd for sun cream when she's in her 20's?

Surely there's a difference between a minor in your care, and a grown adult living away from home?

Yes, burning increases the risk of cancer by a fairly high amount. The UK has such a laid back attitude to sunburn - why wouldn't you do all you could to protect your child while they're young?

By the time the damage is done, it's too late and you can't turn back the clocks. As a redhead, OP's DD is already more susceptible than most - why on earth would you increase her risk further?

She's fourteen, not a baby.

The UK has such a laid back attitude to sunburn - why wouldn't you do all you could to protect your child while they're young?

Does it? I found most people terrified of the sun. SPF foundation, lipbalm, hand creams every single time they leave the house. People that won't let their kids play in the garden because they've ran out of suncream. The "one burn will give you cancer!" "This is life and death" stances. At the beach I wear long sleeves, suncream,glasses a hat and sit under an umbrella people. And so on.

I'm not commenting on the rights or wrongs of the above btw, but there definitely isn't a laid back attitude to the sun in general,much less sunburns in the UK.