MIL and Birthday Cake

[moremoneylesstime]

Hey Mumsnet!

For as long as me and DP have been together, I've always had this feeling that his mother does not like me. Some comments, uninvitations? and demoted to 'baby sitter' type of things.

So I am not sure if my judgment is a little compromised.

However, we finally saw her for the first time this weekend since lockdown started and it lined up with DD2 (5) bday which fell the day after. Perfect!

She sent DP a text in the morning saying she was bringing up a small Madeira cake, I assumed the small type you have with a cup of tea. But what she actually bought was a massive girls unicorn birthday cake. Which she then made us all sing happy birthday to DD while she carried it out and I just felt like crying.

I don't know why, maybe cause we were meant to be abroad and I tried to overcompensate by blowing money I didn't really have on an expensive cake which is still nearly untouched in my fridge.

Am I being unreasonable to think you do not go to someone's house the day before their child's birthday and then pull out a massive birthday cake?!?! Knowing full well that you've already bought one?!?!? And you are excited to present it to your child on their birthday???? Which was then ruined!!

Or should I think how my daughter sees this which is probably 'yay two cakes!'

Was this acceptable or am I just looking for reasons to dislike this women? I could really use some honesty please!

Thank you so much!

Your daughter is just thinking "Yay! Two cakes!"

I think your feelings towards your MIL are clouding the issue.

Unicorn birthday cake is fine! Your daughter will be pleased with 2 cakes. You are over thinking this.

As other pp have said, your dd will be delighted to have had two cakes. However it is odd for her to bring a birthday cake without telling you first.

I think what she did was unacceptable. Bringing a second cake is weird but to put candles on and bring it out singing happy birthday is not really on without asking. However presumably you will do the other cake tomorrow on her actual birthday? So the day isnt really ruined and your cake will still get its moment?

And your daughter will definitely just be thinking "yay two cakes!"

She's rude and overstepping. You dislike her, but if you didn't it would still be weird for her to bring that sort of cake.

How do you stand up for yourself when she relegates you to babysitter for example?

If she actually said she was bringing up a ‘small‘ cake, then I reckon she knew she was treading on your toes, but was determined to get her cake centre of attention. She probably didn’t want to give you the opportunity of saying no, so didn’t give you the full picture. I say pick your battles: this is just a cake. Next time you are planning anything, make sure you get all the information from her, this way if she does something that you are upset about you can call her out on it. I am not advocating you start a war with your MIL, but I am speaking from experience. I would always advise that you call people out on things like this. There is no need to be rude or mean spirited, but just say things like ‘I thought you said you were bringing a small cake? And you didn’t mention it was a birthday cake. I already had one’ ... In my case I gave an inch and she took a mile. I wish I had stood up for myself sooner. But like I say, this is just a cake and really not worth you fretting over it.

She lied about bringing a small Madeira cake to deny you the chance of saying "Lovely thought MIL but I've already got her birthday cake I've gone to a lot of trouble over and we will be using that."
I'd be pissed off. It's weird but Birthday Cake wars are a recurring theme on forums. I never had it from my mother or MIL but some grandparents seem oblivious to the fact that they loved doing these things so much with their own young children, might just mean that it's equally precious to those children in turn when they become parents. Either that or they don't give a shit.
Christmas Stocking wars are another one. You might want to head that one off!
Of course your daughter is perfectly happy, thank goodness, but it was nasty to you and sneaky on your MIL's part, if it were innocent, there would have been no "small Madeira cake" bollocks.

Competitive caking!
I think PPs are being overly kind about MIL’s motives. Why lie that it was just a “small Madeira cake”, unless she wanted to lull your suspicions before parading her massive fuck off cake into the house and stealing your birthday thunder?
Now your cake is demoted to being the second cake - not special, just “Oh God, yet more cake, no thanks we’re all full”.
I would have been livid, OP. It was at best thoughtless and inconsiderate, and at worst a calculated ploy to overshadow your efforts. Keep a beady eye on her in future - I bet there’ll be more competition to come!

Did she sneak it into the kitchen without you and your DH seeing and then randomly stroll out with the candles alight?

I'm having trouble picturing it in my head.

It was massively pushy of her by the sound of it but I think your child will just be thinking 'Yaaaaay two cakes'.

Thank you! I do keep trying to remind myself my daughter loves cake, this is a win.

But I can't stop feeling irritated by it, bear in mind this was Friday. We gave her our cake yesterday. And today I'm still bothered about it.

Whenever stuff has happened in the past I've always been the type to lower my head and not say anything. But I just feel so irritated by this!

Thanks for all your replies!

This isn't about having 2 cakes. Your MIL wanted to upstage you and be the one in the spotlight. She couldn't possibly be more obvious about it.

Your daughter will be so excited.

Slice up the other one into big chunks and freeze it.

Yes she should have asked/told you I'd be quite miffed too in one way but equally I love cake - more cake the better.

Yours will be the best cake though as it's on her actual birthday.

Your daughter will be so excited.

Slice up the other one into big chunks and freeze it (as in the MIL's cake not yours).

Yes she should have asked/told you I'd be quite miffed too in one way but equally I love cake - more cake the better.

Yours will be the best cake though as it's on her actual birthday.

It could be worse, she could have said she was bringing a birthday cake and brought a Madeira! Definitely go with the theory you child is lucky to have 2 birthday cakes.

Very rude and unpleasant behaviour from Mil. Certainly not about ‘be pleased you have two cakes’.

YANBU at all! My MIL tried to do a similar thing for my daughter's 1st birthday. Fortunately I heard her mentioning it and set her straight.

Yes this is definitely a loaded gesture. Either she thought you wouldn't have organised a cake or she knew you did and wanted to get in there first. What she did wasn't out of kindness, it was definitely a calculated move. I guess there's not much you can do about it now but I'd be tempted, next time a birthday comes up, to say something like, 'Oh we're organising our child's cake as usual so no need to buy one. It just ends up in the bin and it's such a waste'

I was working Friday and as DP is still WFH they arrived before I returned.

DP text me that morning saying his mother was bringing tea cake.

When I arrived I saw the cake in the kitchen and did not say anything. I didn't know what to do.

Even when she started singing, I just joined in and smiled.

I even started to think my DP was in on it, when they left I asked to see the message she sent and she did say 'small Madeira cake'

I feel like I am going crazy, even DP is in the two cakes group and I don't know why I can't let this go.

Thank you again for all your replies

It's a tough one because when my DD was 5 MIL brought her some Frozen dolls from the States - must have been 6 mini dolls of all the characters when I'd scrimped and saved to buy 2 of the Barbie sized dolls, but you know what - she played with them all, had a great birthday and nearly a decade on it really doesn't matter!

Give your DD a slice of your cake for breakfast tomorrow and you'll be the best mum ever

I don't like this, it isn't her place for a start. I have seen this before at a party. Friend had made a home made birthday cake, told everyone about it and the MIL, without telling anyone, went and got one professionally made. My friend was really upset, it put the focus entirely on MIL and she even made sure to take photos of the two cakes side by side, so people would notice how much better the professional cake was - as you would expect.

It was a dominance move, a way to make my friend feel rubbish and for everyone to see how nice the MIL was. Joke was on her as everyone there thought she was a giant dick. Anyone with a MIL who likes to be the matriach will recognise this behavior, unfortunately, others may well see it as a kind gesture.

I honestly couldn't care how many birthday cakes my dd was given. I'd just think 'wow so many people went to the effort' etc. Obviously I don't know your exact dynamics but on the surface I think you've over reacted.

No reasonable relation would bring a large birthday cake the day before a child's birthday and expect a song, OP, without explicitly clearing that in advance with the child's (in practice almost always) mother. All the 'small cake' shows is that she knew she was being unreasonable and wanted a fig leaf to protect herself if you kicked off. I suspect you shouldn't doubt your feelings in this case and, in the future, with this MIL.

I don't know why, maybe cause we were meant to be abroad and I tried to overcompensate by blowing money I didn't really have on an expensive cake which is still nearly untouched in my fridge.

Surely if you were going to have been abroad, that's a major expense and any cake would be small in comparison.

Regardless of her motive it only matters if you let it.

It's def not ruined and your daughter will love it BUT your MIL is a bit of a dick because she lied about the size for a reason and wants it all about her

I did think that.

My own mother never visits and here I am treating a women who has generously gifted my DD a whole cake like a villain.

But WHY?!? Why would you bring a cake, when you know there is already a cake? I can't get my mind round it.

Might have to chalk this down to a difference in upbringing and disappear a month each side of any birthdays.

She can be selfish and impulsive at times but I do know she loves the DC.