MIL and Birthday Cake

[moremoneylesstime]

Hey Mumsnet!

For as long as me and DP have been together, I've always had this feeling that his mother does not like me. Some comments, uninvitations? and demoted to 'baby sitter' type of things.

So I am not sure if my judgment is a little compromised.

However, we finally saw her for the first time this weekend since lockdown started and it lined up with DD2 (5) bday which fell the day after. Perfect!

She sent DP a text in the morning saying she was bringing up a small Madeira cake, I assumed the small type you have with a cup of tea. But what she actually bought was a massive girls unicorn birthday cake. Which she then made us all sing happy birthday to DD while she carried it out and I just felt like crying.

I don't know why, maybe cause we were meant to be abroad and I tried to overcompensate by blowing money I didn't really have on an expensive cake which is still nearly untouched in my fridge.

Am I being unreasonable to think you do not go to someone's house the day before their child's birthday and then pull out a massive birthday cake?!?! Knowing full well that you've already bought one?!?!? And you are excited to present it to your child on their birthday???? Which was then ruined!!

Or should I think how my daughter sees this which is probably 'yay two cakes!'

Was this acceptable or am I just looking for reasons to dislike this women? I could really use some honesty please!

Thank you so much!

@lukasiak Aren't you charming as well? Calling people awful because you feel differently! And you posted twice-for god's take take a sedative and get off MN if it bothers you so much

When would the grandparents celebrate dds birthday? If not seeing her on birthday we would normally have a birthday cake with grandparents too.

[quote EKGEMS]@lukasiak Aren't you charming as well? Calling people awful because you feel differently! And you posted twice-for god's take take a sedative and get off MN if it bothers you so much [/quote]
Three times actually, four now.
And the fact you had to immediately resort to personal attacks means that you know I'm right, so I'll say it again: Grow up and stop being so egotistical. Your child's birthday is not about you, and tbh, they and everybody else present would probably prefer a choice of cake.

I mean, I was with you up until the throwing the cake away.

Your MIL is bonkers but you can just find her ridiculous and laugh to yourself instead of letting it wind you up.

Some people are ridiculous - you can’t change them, but you can change how you respond to them (i.e. don’t be ridiculous yourself).

@WorraLiberty

Did she sneak it into the kitchen without you and your DH seeing and then randomly stroll out with the candles alight?

I'm having trouble picturing it in my head.

It was massively pushy of her by the sound of it but I think your child will just be thinking 'Yaaaaay two cakes'.

OP didn't say there were candles

My FiL brought a (cheap supermarket) cake to my niece's birthday, which my niece preferred to the one her mother had spent a whole day making. Granted this was annoying, but that's 4 year olds for you and the cake he brought wasn't anything special. However my sil moaned a lot about this, then a week later when they came over for a family birthday at ours, guess what, she brought a cake! Even though I had already made one. So she did the exact same thing she complained about her father doing, only worse really, as the one she brought was a big home made one rather than a small shop one.
My advice - Just don't see any in laws ever, it's the only solution!

@FunTimes2020 she did somewhere - candles and singing

lukasiak Again,it's not ego,it's massive overstepping by the grandmother. Please stop telling me to "grow up" it makes you seem ancient

@EKGEMS

lukasiak Again,it's not ego,it's massive overstepping by the grandmother. Please stop telling me to "grow up" it makes you seem ancient

Which you only take issue with because of your ego. You chucking a little girl's birthday present from her grandmother in the bin is soothing your own ego. So, if you are somebody who moves through life doing shit like that to satisfy your own ego. You only make yourself look stupid, having a tantrum over a cake. And if it's really about your MIL overstepping her bounds, you're giving her exactly what she wants. But it's not about the MIL, that's a redherring. The other cake was better and it hurt your ego. If it was about the cake, op would've also cared when she thought it was going to be a shitty, crusty fruit cake. So yes, grow the fuck up and stop making everybody else's days about you.

OP. I'm glad you took the posts that have been helpful and ignored the rest. For what it's worth, everyone should shut up about what an evil mother you are for (shock horror) snapping and chucking away the cake. You know What, I think its funny. And i think your DD is not going to get PTSD for being one cake down here. What I've read is that your MIL has been grinding you down for years. And a cake has made you snap. And i think its good you are going to handle her differently now. You're 100% ok OP. Bollocks to those who are branding you worst mother on the planet for tipping some pissy cake in the bin. Get over it everyone. There's a much bigger picture here

It's just cake what's the big deal? However, your daughter will be traumatised for the rest of her life over you throwing away the cake.

Basically, everything is your fault, OP. That's life as a mother I'm afraid.

Did you actually buy your cake in a shop? That's the worst thing you can do on MN.

Has anyone suggested parenting classes yet? Or giving your MIL chocs and flowers? I feel my Bingo card is missing a few.

🤦🏼‍♀️

Why didn't OP just cut up the cake and give pieces to departing guests rather than throwing it in the bin? Anyway it is not unusual for relatives to bring cake to children's parties.

I would tell daughter quietly after MIL leaves that that was a nice practice birthday cake. Then I would enjoy all the extra cake in the fridge!

I would always advise that you call people out on things like this. There is no need to be rude or mean spirited, but just say things like ‘I thought you said you were bringing a small cake? And you didn’t mention it was a birthday cake. I already had one’ ...
Perfect advice

And it wasn't about the cake, that's why you can't let it go. It's indicative of all the other put downs and the way she treats you. It's the principle of what she did, rather than "Just cake"

This is reminding me of the King Alfred thread but not as much fun. I'm assuming lockdown is making people cranky because all this drama (over a granny wanting to sing happy birthday to her GDD and see her blow out candles) is hilarious.
MIL couldn't have won. If she hadn't brought her own cake, OP would have been complaining about singing happy birthday twice or having to put candles on OPs expensive as an expensive holiday cake, a day early.
Sometimes cake is just cake and that's definitely the best approach to take when it's a DCs' birthday.

You’re bothered because your MIL is a nasty piece of work who is manipulative and unkind and did this to upstage you and upset you under the guise of a kindness for your daughter. Otherwise why did she lie about what she was bringing?

And you’re probably also bothered because you’ve never called her out on her shitty behaviour but more importantly, neither has your partner.

She needs talking to to be put in her place, it needs to come from your partner and to hell with what his stupid brother has to say. He can’t allow his mother to be a dick to his wife.

It's an overstep, but your daughter will just think 'more cake'. Perhaps a gentle word with your DH about it being an overstep to clear the air. I suspect this isn't a battle worth having with MIL.

PS. Lots of cakes freeze.

I get why you threw the cake away @moremoneylesstime - it was the final straw. It's good you're planning to speak up before you get that frustrated next time - can I strongly suggest you practice first? It's all too easy to freeze in the moment because you suddenly get the 'oh my god am I overreacting' doubt, but you can easily get around this by running through the scenarios first. And then when she does or says something you've already decided that that specific thing was hurtful, and you've got your words ready to go.

You also need a couple of follow up phrases for if she acts as if your calm, measured words are an attack on her. 'that's not what I said and not what I meant, I just asked you to not xxx' 'I'm sorry you feel that way perhaps we should leave for now' etc etc.

And yes, any and every time she asks to have a sleepover 'are you sure, I don't want to impose, I know you said to xxx that you didn't like being used'. Every. Damn. Time.

It might help to treat her as an anthropological specimen you're learning about - this sort of mind trick gives you emotional distance from the matter at hand so that you can take your time to react healthily, and not out of guilt or fear. And that gives you the best chance of restoring boundaries so that your DC can enjoy a good relationship with their GM, without having to see their mother being treated badly.

Hmm... I've had similar gestures from MIL and my mum, neither of them want to give up being "the" Mum.

It's a really special feeling being the one to I can kind of understand why. It's magic to experience the firsts as Mum, or watch their reaction when you present them with the birthday centrepiece cake, or witness the joy of seeing their faces on Christmas morning after you've lovingly planned and put it all together.

I'm betting that it was all about her and nothing to do with you. Though it all depends on your past experiences of her...

It is likely that she's just selfish and thoughtless, but if she's done it with you in mind, that is unkind and a bit nasty.

Anyway it is not unusual for relatives to bring cake to children's parties.

I'm surprised to hear this. I think it's very rude to turn up with a birthday cake to a birthday party unless it was pre-arranged.

People on here who are saying "it is just a cake", "grow up" (funny they don't aim that at the game-playing MIL) are gullible and naive, and cannot see the games the MIL is playing. She deliberately lied to OP and her partner. She lied because she knew what she was doing was wrong.

It is the principle of the thing. If MIL gave the DC a bowl of ice cream for breakfast, would you dismiss it as "oh it's just ice cream, grow up!"? Where does it stop? Where do you draw the line? It's not all about the MIL and she needs to be told to stop making everything about herself.

Well at least you know what to get her for Christmas. A nicely wrapped broomstick.

Some of you are awful people. Ruining a little girl's gift from her grandmother because it hurt your ego? Horrible, childish behavior. Making everything all about you.

The gift was agreed as Madeira cake. Why did the GM feel the need to tell them that’s what she bringing then? Clearly she knew the etiquette. Why no just ask if shoukd could bring the fuck off big cake she’d seen?

I can see that it would be annoying but your daughter will definitely be thinking, YAY two cakes so don't let MIL win by allowing it to get to you, try to think "YAY two cakes" yourself as well :p