MIL and Birthday Cake

[moremoneylesstime]

Hey Mumsnet!

For as long as me and DP have been together, I've always had this feeling that his mother does not like me. Some comments, uninvitations? and demoted to 'baby sitter' type of things.

So I am not sure if my judgment is a little compromised.

However, we finally saw her for the first time this weekend since lockdown started and it lined up with DD2 (5) bday which fell the day after. Perfect!

She sent DP a text in the morning saying she was bringing up a small Madeira cake, I assumed the small type you have with a cup of tea. But what she actually bought was a massive girls unicorn birthday cake. Which she then made us all sing happy birthday to DD while she carried it out and I just felt like crying.

I don't know why, maybe cause we were meant to be abroad and I tried to overcompensate by blowing money I didn't really have on an expensive cake which is still nearly untouched in my fridge.

Am I being unreasonable to think you do not go to someone's house the day before their child's birthday and then pull out a massive birthday cake?!?! Knowing full well that you've already bought one?!?!? And you are excited to present it to your child on their birthday???? Which was then ruined!!

Or should I think how my daughter sees this which is probably 'yay two cakes!'

Was this acceptable or am I just looking for reasons to dislike this women? I could really use some honesty please!

Thank you so much!

I think she was overstepping the mark and undermining you by bringing the cake. It’s up to the parents to sort out the birthday cake, not the gp. If the gp wanted to bring a birthday cake, she should have checked with the parents first.

I don’t think it was a difference in upbringing. I think she was deliberately trying to upstage you, and steal the limelight.

My mum and mil are lovely, but I’d have gone bats hit crazy over this.

They’ve had their kids and chance to throw small children’s birthday parties.

We have a happy medium, my mum pays her cake maker friend to make the kids cakes, which I / birthday child specify the theme of. MIL has a fried that does ballon displays. Same goes.

Don't message her but file it away and factor it in to future plans. Next time you can say, Please don't bring a cake like last time MIL, I want to do that myself. Etc. "I doubt it even crossed your mind, but just in case, please don't do stockings for DD."

She's a cow.

FWIW, messaging her would be weak and give her ammunition, OP. You need to pick your fight and not back down, even if MIL and BIL kick off. What worried me before was that you seemed to be doubting yourself. It seems you realise where the problem lies. You know her calling SIL while you were around was just another way of trying to put you down, presumably by saying she gets on well with your SIL so the problem must be you. The 'small madeira cake' was purely a fig leaf to defend herself if you kicked off which shows she knew she was in the wrong and didn't care. Good luck.

My mil did this with my sons birthday to "save me the trouble" even though I had already made it then she said she didn't know if she liked gluten free cake but she has always eaten it before 🤷‍♀️ ds had two cakes dudnt eat her dry bakery offering scoffed mine

She didn't ask either just showed up with it I made her take most home as it won't get eaten ex husband made me keep some so we left it for him to eat and we ate mine he was pissed off with dry cake and binned it

She may dislike you or have her own issues, not necessarily to do with anything about you personally. It's very possible you're both, not deliberately but subconsciously, feeding the issue with oversensitivity.
I'd be glad that she thinks so much of her grandaughter than she brought a cake, which if it was over the top at all was probably because she hasn't seen any of you over lockdown and was - well - celebrating a double event! Phone her and tell her how kind she was to do that and what a lovely time you had.
Five is a great birthday - enjoy it and be happy that you have two cakes - give some to the neighbour's kids if you have too much!

This would upset me too, OP. It’s the sort of thing my MIL would do too, she hasn’t but only because DH managed to stop her!
Yes, your DD will be happy to have 2 cakes, but MIL clearly did it to upstage you.

Yet another mother in law thread. She brought a birthday cake what a bitch! Next thing she'll be wanting to buy Christmas presents!
Or introduce the child to her friends! Ir hug her grandchildren!

I'd go no contact if I were you

Your MIL sounds like a bitch.

Shame your DH can't see the bigger picture.

Your MIL is an arsehole. Your husband needs to grow some balls and stand up to her. You are 100% not the problem here. She is. Don’t ever doubt that.

Strange move on mil part. Would irritate me, but I agree with picking your battles - just be hyper alert to her shenanigans from now on. Buy some nice serviettes and cut up the unicorn cake and let your dd deliver to slices to all your neighbours. It'll get rid of it, leaving your lovely cake to be eaten over the next few days, it's a bit of fun for dd as everyone will say happy birthday to her and you have the satisfaction of seeing it all leave your house and it'll maybe sedate the urge to kick off about it !!

@fairlyplump

I think it was lovely of her, and I am sure your daughter loved it.

It wasn't lovely at all.

One-upmanship

It'll happen again

@Aquamarine1029

This isn't about having 2 cakes. Your MIL wanted to upstage you and be the one in the spotlight. She couldn't possibly be more obvious about it.

This with sprinkles on. I’d be really upset too.

I agree with sending a lovely message thanking her for the cake. She did this to upset you. Don’t give her the satisfaction. But, definitely start pulling away from her, she’s toxic.

I'm going to say this gentle, but it's not about you. It's about your daughter. When she looks back on her childhood as an adult, would you prefer to remember the store brought cake or the wicked unicorn cake that her Granny made her with all the love in the world? It's a nice memory for your daughter. Besides, you can never have enough cake. Freeze one and you'll be feasting on cake for a month.

Well your dd will always love you (her mum) more than her grandmother so I don't really understand the "upstaging you" angle.

As you say, your dd is delighted.

I have a "tense" relationship with my mil. My advice is - pick your battles.

You won't be best friends but if you can rub along and tolerate the niggles then it's far more beneficial for the whole family. I don't think birthday cakes are an important "boundary".

Otherwise you'll either be a ball of seething resentment by the time dd's 10 or you'll have fallen out completely.

@back2good

Your MIL sounds like a bitch.

Shame your DH can't see the bigger picture.

Really? That's the bigger picture? Not what's best for her dd? Your life camera is very small.

I feel it's only fair to add that I threw her cake away in anger after she left.

Which I know is not going to make me very popular as I've effectively threw not MIL cake away but my OWN daughters cake away.

I wasn't thinking about it like that while I scraped that nice cake in the bin though. I just thought that by that cake being here somehow made my cake less nice.

It's hard to explain and I know I'm being a little crazy. And mean.

'Kind grandmother brings birthday cake to granddaughter she hasn't seen in months! Mother throws it in the bin not 5 minutes after leaving!'

You can never have enough cake!

lucasiak I agree. I'm taking the comments from posters saying they'd "loose their shit over this/ go batshit crazy" with a pinch of salt.

It would be selfish to ruin your dds birthday celebration with a row, especially a "batshit" one!

I'm guessing that involves completely losing your temper in the manner of an angry insane person.

Oh crikey Op. It's done now. You'll have to tell dd it went stale I suppose. Don't drag her into your mil issues if they have a good relationship.

Hope you've calmed down now

Hey prettybluepugeon you apparently take offense to ANYONE posting negatively about Mother in laws but you need to realize we don't all have people in our lives who are delightful and lovely! What this woman did was the equivalent of a large dog coming over and pissing on and marking the territory of a small dog

I would have thrown it away too.

I don’t know if people are being deliberately obtuse here, but it’s like turning up at a wedding in a white lacy dress. You just don’t do it.

A nice thing to do would to have been to contact you a month before the birthday and ask if you’d be ok with her making the birthday cake.

It’s not nice to turn up to a kids birthday with a great big birthday cake when you know the parents have gone to a lot of effort to buy one themselves.

It's not best for DD to grow up watching her own mother be constantly undermined, spoken poorly of and outdone by her grandmother. On purpose.

And OP's husband needs to have a word with his mother about boundaries. She deliberately lied to both of them to get her way, knowing OP had already made a cake for her own daughter.

It's not just about the cake. It's about a pattern of behaviour that needs to be stopped now.