MIL and Birthday Cake

[moremoneylesstime]

Hey Mumsnet!

For as long as me and DP have been together, I've always had this feeling that his mother does not like me. Some comments, uninvitations? and demoted to 'baby sitter' type of things.

So I am not sure if my judgment is a little compromised.

However, we finally saw her for the first time this weekend since lockdown started and it lined up with DD2 (5) bday which fell the day after. Perfect!

She sent DP a text in the morning saying she was bringing up a small Madeira cake, I assumed the small type you have with a cup of tea. But what she actually bought was a massive girls unicorn birthday cake. Which she then made us all sing happy birthday to DD while she carried it out and I just felt like crying.

I don't know why, maybe cause we were meant to be abroad and I tried to overcompensate by blowing money I didn't really have on an expensive cake which is still nearly untouched in my fridge.

Am I being unreasonable to think you do not go to someone's house the day before their child's birthday and then pull out a massive birthday cake?!?! Knowing full well that you've already bought one?!?!? And you are excited to present it to your child on their birthday???? Which was then ruined!!

Or should I think how my daughter sees this which is probably 'yay two cakes!'

Was this acceptable or am I just looking for reasons to dislike this women? I could really use some honesty please!

Thank you so much!

I did think that.

My own mother never visits and here I am treating a women who has generously gifted my DD a whole cake like a villain.

But WHY?!? Why would you bring a cake, when you know there is already a cake? I can't get my mind round it.

Might have to chalk this down to a difference in upbringing and disappear a month each side of any birthdays.

She can be selfish and impulsive at times but I do know she loves the DC.

I did think that.

My own mother never visits and here I am treating a women who has generously gifted my DD a whole cake like a villain.

But WHY?!? Why would you bring a cake, when you know there is already a cake? I can't get my mind round it.

Might have to chalk this down to a difference in upbringing and disappear a month each side of any birthdays.

She can be selfish and impulsive at times but I do know she loves the DC.

Good News: Your DD's over the moon having double birthday cake so her birthday wasn't spoilt.
Bad News: Your MIL is a conniving, prized bitch and unless your DH comes round, has your back and gives his DM an earful then I'm afraid you have a DH problem too.

In your position, I'd be biding my time until I could repay the favour and steal her thunder - remember revenge is a dish best served cold - mwahaha.

Have just seen your update. 'Small madeira cake' is undecorated IMO. Don't doubt yourself. Unfortunately, you might need to react more strongly in future to stop her playing games with you, though pick your battle so she cannot make you out to be unreasonable.

Good luck.

PIL tried this with DH’s recent birthday. FIL texted me the day before to say they were bringing a cake over with them for DH’s birthday lunch. So cheeky! My swift reply was “Lovely to offer, but all sorted, thanks..I’ve just collected his bday cake from the baker. Yum, chocolate 😊”

I think it was lovely of her, and I am sure your daughter loved it.

She was definitely trying to upstage you but as pp said, DD will think 2 cakes yummy. You’ll know to watch out for similar antics from MIL next year.

What a nasty thing to do! She purposely lied and concealed what she was going to do because she knew it was wrong !

That’s just not on, and your feelings aren’t in any way clouding your judgement. She was a sly, spiteful woman who wanted to ruin your birthday cake surprise.

Don’t freeze your cake. Toss hers or, if you can’t, freeze hers then ‘forget’ it. I’d be making it very clear that she wasn’t going to be repeating that. Whether you do that directly or indirectly is up to you.

I’d also be making sure she only came after future birthdays too.

I think it's odd if MIL knew that you had already got a cake and was probably trying to out do you. My MIL is always surprising my DC with gifts etc but would never buy a big cake without asking as she knows it's something that I will have sorted.
I do get on well with my MIL and my DC are very lucky to have her. We have clashed in the past when I felt she was overstepping but I just confronted the issue head on rather than let it fester into the resentment you read about on here. Honestly I would send her a message saying you appreciate she cares for DC but you had the cake under control and would appreciate she checked with you in future.

Well having a mother in law that never visited or bothered I would be happy .

It was definitely not lovely of her. It was a dick move.

Is she sometimes quite manipulative?

I find it hard to trust people who are sometimes manipulative because I am on guard and never know if they are being genuine. I always think there's something more to it.

There's not much I hate more than someone trying to manipulate me. I do everything I can to fight against it. It means I can't enjoy the moment when someone who has repeatedly been manipulative towards me in the past actually does something nice/normal.

I understand this. My mum has form for overstepping. It’s hard to explain, because it makes you feel ungrateful.
It’s them taking over. My oldest is 18 and I have to tell my mum not to make a cake EVERY year, because as his mum, that’s my job. She’s had a lifetime of making cakes for me (we enjoy baking) and now it’s my turn to have that role.
It just feels undermining.

I think it was done with the best intentions. Doesn’t sound like she thought about it from your point of view, though, and maybe didn’t promote as a birthday cake when spoke to you as she wanted to surprise you too. I may have felt a tad irritated b6 it, but it would be forgotten. The birthday was your daughter’s, and as long as she was happy, I really don’t think you should be giving it headspace two days later.

Two cakes - Yay for your daughter!
A cake isn't a good hill to die on though but you're quite right to be irritated. It's petty and there will probably be plenty more to come.
What does DP have to say about this? Hopefully he has your back in other things?

And from now on, for every family event- large or small- ask her to bring a cake.

Some years my DS ended up with three cakes because relatives turned up on different days and brought different cakes. There can never be too much cake in life imo

Op this is a power struggle that she intends to win. She is saying that she is the no.1 woman in your DP's life and no.1 in your DD's life. She will use every opportunity she gets to put you in your place - which as far as she's concerned is about the same place as the dog poo she last stepped in.
For whatever reason, she is not prepared to accept you for what you are - her DS's partner and her DGD's mother. Whether she thinks you're not good enough (a common problem) or can't bear to see someone else having any sort of say in 'her' family, who knows. But it's time your DP learned where his priorities should be, or you'll be facing a lifetime of this. Does he always kow-tow to his mother?

There has been occasions where DP has admitted to me that she has said some pretty mean things about me.

Mainly misunderstandings, where I have said something and she's taken it the wrong way.

I honestly tip toe round her so much tho so the fact she thinks I'm internationally trying to insult her makes me feel like she is searching for a fight.

She has thrown out that we have it good with her and how grateful we should be to have her and she regularly has DC overnight, which she asks to do, but then uses it as ammo in an argument to somehow make me feel like a user.

I don't know, lockdown has been crazy and if I'm honest it's been nice not having to see her for a while.

I love my girls too much to reduce contact with her, I just wish I didn't have to be in this situation

It's the parent's job to sort the cake. (They can organise someone else to do it if not channelling Mary Berry very well)
So maybe OP feels that MIL has tried to be Mum?
I'd be a bit pissed off, too. But would freeze slices to eat from frozen when needed. Frozen cake is superb.

She's definitely overstepped and she did it deliberately. She knew you woul have organised a cake.

Forwarned is forearmed OP.

My MIL, who is lovely most of time, did this, and also presented our children with extra stockings on Boxing Day from Father Christmas.
From some of things she has said over the years it has become apparent that she is trying to relive her own children’s childhood through her grandchildren.
My DH asked her to kindly stop making birthday cakes (but all other cakes are fine and gratefully received), and stockings from Father Christmas. She grumbled a bit, but, as the sun shines out of DH’s backside she couldn’t complain too much!

I feel like if I were to message her, she would cry and call BIL who would call DH and shout at him.

BIL looks after her a lot, and MIL gets on very well with SIL.

To the point that she even called SIL while she was here, just to tell her she would be calling her later

So I know it's just a me problem and not an everyone problem

It's the parent's job to sort the cake
That isn't the case in every family. It's not an universal rule handed down with the ten commandments eg in DH's family, the godparents buy the birthday cake. In my friend's family, her SIL bakes all the birthday cakes.

My DD's birthday is in the summer and we have ended up spending it at MIL's as we have been visiting for the summer (dh is from a different country) I've had to put up with mil and sil (who hate me) planning DD's celebrations. I've sat on the sidelines like a spare chair, gritting my teeth. As dd has got older she has insisted on not being at MIL's on her birthday for exactly that reason. I've also noticed that dd has wised up to some of MIL's manipulative behaviour and the fact mil is not actually interested in DD's life For example, she expects dd (12) to phone her up and ask about her but while visiting us hasn't attended a single school assembly, dance performance, gymnastics competition etc.
My point is your dd will eventually see your mil for what she is. Play the long game.