MIL and Birthday Cake

[moremoneylesstime]

Hey Mumsnet!

For as long as me and DP have been together, I've always had this feeling that his mother does not like me. Some comments, uninvitations? and demoted to 'baby sitter' type of things.

So I am not sure if my judgment is a little compromised.

However, we finally saw her for the first time this weekend since lockdown started and it lined up with DD2 (5) bday which fell the day after. Perfect!

She sent DP a text in the morning saying she was bringing up a small Madeira cake, I assumed the small type you have with a cup of tea. But what she actually bought was a massive girls unicorn birthday cake. Which she then made us all sing happy birthday to DD while she carried it out and I just felt like crying.

I don't know why, maybe cause we were meant to be abroad and I tried to overcompensate by blowing money I didn't really have on an expensive cake which is still nearly untouched in my fridge.

Am I being unreasonable to think you do not go to someone's house the day before their child's birthday and then pull out a massive birthday cake?!?! Knowing full well that you've already bought one?!?!? And you are excited to present it to your child on their birthday???? Which was then ruined!!

Or should I think how my daughter sees this which is probably 'yay two cakes!'

Was this acceptable or am I just looking for reasons to dislike this women? I could really use some honesty please!

Thank you so much!

But she's not a kind grandmother, OP. As PPs have said, if she'd meant well, she'd have checked with you well in advance, instead of a sneaky 'small madeira cake' fig leaf the day before the birthday with a happy birthday song. If she wanted best for her DGC, she'd try and play nicely, not undermine you.

It'd be a visit the day after the birthday from now on too, OP , to stop this happening again.

If throwing it away gave you some peace then good for you. Don't doubt yourself.

@moremoneylesstime

I agree with PPs saying it's not about the cake, it's about your MIL trying to usurp your role, especially if she knew you had already bought a cake. My MIL sometimes oversteps the mark but she wouldn't do something so attention seeking.

I think you did the right thing by throwing it away! Your DD doesn't need two cakes but you let her have two celebrations which I think is perfect. Don't feel bad at all!

I'd have Said oh that's lovely, we'll save it for tomorrow and then just stuck it to one side and used the cake you bought on her birthday instead.

I refuse to reward bad behaviour.

It's rather childish to get into a rivalry over cakes and what is essentially arguing over what? The "territory" is a person - Op's dd! She's not giving out prizes for the best cake.

Its like turning up to a wedding in a white lacy dress No that's upstaging the bride. A 5 year-olds birthday tea isn't about you, it's about making the child enjoy her day. The birthday child has the "stage".

Your not crazy, she deliberately did that, as to why who knows but it would annoy the hell.out of me, you say you think she doesn't like you so you have every right to be pissed off. Just ignore it though don't let her see it

I don’t blame you for throwing it out, but I would have frozen it in slices and given your mil a slice, every.single.time she visited. Should it be every six months. 😁

Good on you for binning it.

I dont like the sound of your MIL at all. I'm afraid I'd listen to your instincts and question her motives. She has a history of trying to undermine you. Exhausting, upsetting, unnecessary but not uncommon.

I think it’s difficult when you don’t have a good relationship with someone so things like this you over think and worry about.

I’m in the same boat, my MIL is selfish and rude. Don’t let this bother you so much, your DD won’t think anything of it other than two cakes

I can see how this would have touched a nerve but your daughter would not have picked up on it at all and will just be impressed by two cakes.

I think grandparents and birthday cakes is a bit of a thing though and potentially difficult to navigate. When our kids have birthdays we've discussed the matter with both grandparents and made it clear who is making the cake (us or one of them). Nobody has every turned up with an extra cake thankfully.

Your overreacting 100%

It's not about you, it's about your daughter and she will love it

You should say something directly addressing her behaviour whilst wrong footing her with concern.

“MIL I’m concerned you felt you needed to lie about the birthday cake. Do you not feel able to give your GD gifts openly?”

Both my grandmother and my mil have done this. I wonder if a generational thing where they just don’t give two shits if there actual mother has brought them one.

By the way I refused them both and actually sent them back home with it 😬

If she ever accuses you of using her as a babysitter again, I would play her at her own game and say, sorry you feel like that. We thought you wanted to have her over. But if you feel like that, she wont stay over again. You need to establish boundaries. The more she gets away with being a cow, the more she'll push the boundaries and the more she'll think she can get away with. Life's to short to put up with such bullshit. Why should you. Keep on the right side of polite, but put her in her place. She's the grandmother. You and DP are the boss. If she doesn't like it, tough. She has to suck it up or shut up and behave appropriately. You shouldn't have to put up with feeling undermined and it's outrageous to slag you off behind your back. What a bitch. I've suffered the same and deeply regret not establishing thise boundaries with my exMIL. In the end, I snapped after another one of her shitty games. Well, more than snapped. I ended up having huge argument and we don't speak. (Hurray). But not the ideal outcome, I think

God, some of you love a good drama. It's cake. You're literally pissed off about cake. Get a hobby.

It's one thing to ask mil not to bring a birthday cake (unless discussed) next time,

it's another thing to throw the cake in the bin.

Op has said herself that is punishing her dd- throwing away her gift. It also puts dd in a difficult position if she's asked by her gran about her cake. She might feel she has to lie.

Sorry but throwing the cake away is a bit childish. Perhaps it was done in the heat of the moment which is understandable to an extent. It wasn't the right thing to do though.

I would be very cross about that too. She basically lied and stole the spotlight with the cake.

I feel annoyed on your behalf. I love baking and decorating birthday cakes for my niece and nephew but I always check with their parents if its ok. I would never turn up with a birthday cake trying to step on their toes. You definitely need to get your partner to address this - it's not ok that she treats you like an afterthought. Your DD might not have thought much of it this year but eventually she'll notice that the relationship is strained.

It's not just the cake. It's everything else. A pattern of behaviour. She bitches about the OP behind her back! 100% unacceptable

I would lie about what happened to the cake. A dog licked it? You had a taste and the MIL accidentally used salt instead of sugar?

At the time, I would probably (if I‘d have thought about it) said, ‚Oh what a nice cake. It makes my cake look a bit crap by comparison‘, then she can see it’s hurt you, even though you’re not directly having a go at her. She may genuinely not realise and give a perfectly reasonable explanation or she may say something that makes you feel better, or she may feel embarrassed and think a bit more carefully next time. The moment has passed but you can still communicate after the event. ‘Thanks so much for visiting and bringing the cake. DD loved having two cakes although I admit at the time, I felt a bit hurt because I made a big effort with a cake for her too.‘ MN always assumes that everyone is either malicious or 100% in the right. Sometimes it’s just a misunderstanding or a weakness that they can easily apologise for if given the opportunity. In my case, it’s the other way around. MY parents this year made a lot of effort for my birthday (they were visiting) and my husband felt like they thought he wouldn’t be up to the job. I totally understand his POV, and think DM was in the wrong, but she genuinely just likes celebrating stuff so couldn’t resist and acted like she’s still the main birthday organiser for me, even though I’m a grown woman with my own family (!!!)

Some of you are awful people. Ruining a little girl's gift from her grandmother because it hurt your ego? Horrible, childish behavior. Making everything all about you. You know, nobody has ever gone to a child's birthday party and walked away going, 'mm, it was okay. Would've been better if there was one less cake though.'
If you want to give other people that much control over you, that's your choice, but don't turn around and take it out on your children. Bloody hell, grow up.

Get over it.

I do agree that by me not saying anything when she does these things, she is going to do it again, even unintentionally.

Instead of wondering if she meant harm or not, I will instead tell her In the moment if I don't like something. Then, if she does it again, I won't have to guess if it's malicious. I will know it is.

I am not the loudest person, and up until Friday I wasn't a cake throwawayer either. I need to stop letting people do things I am not okay with.

If I didn't want another cake, I shouldn't have to accept another cake. Even to be nice.

I will get better at letting people know if they've done something that I am not okay with.

Thank you everyone for your replies! You have been superb and I wish you all a great week!

I do get why you were annoyed but throwing it in the bin was just childish IMO. It's a case of picking your battles really. From your DD's POV, she would just have enjoyed having 2 birthday cakes.