In love with late friend’s husband

[CrossingTheLine]

My dearest friend died after a long illness in December last year. Her husband was devastated, as was I. During lockdown we have been messaging each other. It started with just checking that we were ok but then progressed to longer conversations. I found I was waiting for his texts every morning. Then we started to go for socially distanced walks and have grown closer. Yesterday we went for a meal and he told me that he had feelings for me. I realise I feel the same but I just feel so guilty about my friend. Is it too soon?

I say take your happiness where you can find it. Why be more miserable than necessary.

Why anyone would want anything but happiness for those loved ones they leave behind I dont know.

why should a person "respect" a literal corpse more than their own living, breathing, lonely body?

Because if your spouse meant anything to you, you would manage to keep it in your pants for at least a year after they die! It's appalling to move in on your dead wife's friend when she's barely cold in the ground. I'm not British though, so perhaps it's a cultural difference - it absolutely would not wash where I'm from. The height of disrespect.

Because if your spouse meant anything to you, you would manage to keep it in your pants for at least a year after they die!

This is such a weird idea of grief - that feelings unacceptable after 364 days suddenly become ok at 366 days after the death. Grief is so much more complex and individual than that. I also think it's quite sad that you assume that the motivation is primarily sexual; OP has already said this isn't the case. You're making this sound sordid, which is so unkind and doesn't seem at all accurate.

I'm not British either. I just dont allow superstitions to rule my life and I've accepted my own mortality enough to know that 12 months of waiting could mean 12 months of totally unnecessary loneliness.

Reversing that, if I died I would want my partner comforted as quickly as possible.

I suppose for some people, culture and ego is more important than the happiness of the bereaved.

My friend married her husband's best friend within months of his death.
They are still together 18 years later.
They share grief and happy memories of him.

Because if your spouse meant anything to you, you would manage to keep it in your pants for at least a year after they die! It's appalling to move in on your dead wife's friend when she's barely cold in the ground. I'm not British though, so perhaps it's a cultural difference - it absolutely would not wash where I'm from. The height of disrespect.

Have you ever been widowed? Because if you haven't then you have no fucking idea what it's like. The worst kind of people are people like you, those who make sweeping judgements on how other people should live their lives. We don't have to bloody stop loving and finding some joy in life when our partners die. And we certainly don't need to live by rules that people like you decide are appropriate for other people.

I would be in the go for it camp but with the suggestion that the widower perhaps go for some bereavement counselling to come to terms with his wife’s death and for him to disentangle his feelings a bit. I would see this as an investment of his time and an effort to ring-fence his marriage, and separate out his new feelings. It would be a further loss for both of you if you hurried into something, and it were to end prematurely due to unresolved/legacy feelings. Then you might not be able to save your friendship. If you were looking to take it seriously, would some relationship counselling sessions be something you would both consider?

@Colom

why should a person "respect" a literal corpse more than their own living, breathing, lonely body?

Because if your spouse meant anything to you, you would manage to keep it in your pants for at least a year after they die! It's appalling to move in on your dead wife's friend when she's barely cold in the ground. I'm not British though, so perhaps it's a cultural difference - it absolutely would not wash where I'm from. The height of disrespect.

I somehow doubt that everyone in your culture would feel the same.

You say she's "barely cold in the ground"...We're talking 7 months after her death. When you're grieving, that feels like a long time.

@TheNavigator thanks, yes I guess by now I’m ok with it but there’s too much water gone under the bridge. His partner is not a very nice person so it’s easier all round if there’s no contact, it feels like she’s won but she’s welcome to him, he’s weak and shown his true colours towards his family. There’s no going back, I don’t particularly want to.

@KarenMcKaren

Because if your spouse meant anything to you, you would manage to keep it in your pants for at least a year after they die! It's appalling to move in on your dead wife's friend when she's barely cold in the ground. I'm not British though, so perhaps it's a cultural difference - it absolutely would not wash where I'm from. The height of disrespect.

Have you ever been widowed? Because if you haven't then you have no fucking idea what it's like. The worst kind of people are people like you, those who make sweeping judgements on how other people should live their lives. We don't have to bloody stop loving and finding some joy in life when our partners die. And we certainly don't need to live by rules that people like you decide are appropriate for other people.

^

This. Well said.

[quote OhCaptain]@disorganisedsecretsquirrel I think you’re being a bit unfair. I think the children of the deceased can be forgiven for being upset when a parent moves on quickly![/quote]
It might being unfair if the children showed ANY kind of interest in their father ...

But they don't. They invite him for Christmas.. but then add about ten caveats as to why he would t want to come. They see him for 4 days in the summer .. but that has a lot to do with him living in a beautiful holiday destination in the UK (think house in the heart of Lakeland) ...

If it were otherwise, you might have a point ...

Unless you have been bereaved of a partner .. you REALLY don't know what you are talking about .

..: the worst are children of the bereaved who expect their mother or father to live a life mourning their departed spouse.. rather than finding subsequent happiness .. beyond selfish. !

Just keep it secret until you are sure it's going to be a lasting thing.

My father died when I was 13.
I hated that my mother 'replaced' him when I was 19...

I'm now 59 and forever grateful that she found love, companionship and respect from another... rather than 40 years of mourning the loss of her first love.

If you adore and love your parent WHY would you not want them to be happy ?

@BluebellForest836

I think it’s too soon but also just plain vile that you want to shack up with your friend who passed away husband. Millions of blokes in the world but you go for your friends husband.

It's not surprising someone might find their partner's friend a suitable new partner though. Partly because they already know and like each other, and partly because they are likely to have shared cultural reference points and interests, hence having that person in common in the first place.

You're acting like she's done it out of spite, instead of it being fairly predictable and not abnormal according to the examples on the thread.

I don’t know. I’ve no experience of this. However I would think because she was your close friend, and because it’s only been a few months, that there is some wisdom in the decorum that you show respect and not act on it. And I say respect because there is something quite wise about being dignified, to have integrity. For yourself, your friend, and her husband, there are lots of memories, then illness, and now in shared grief a connection.

However isn’t it healthier to act on this connection when your have properly honoured her memory, both of you, processed some of your own feelings about her? Only then will have you the space to bond with each other not just through shared grief, but a more unique connection?

@BluebellForest836. Round of applause that you wouldn’t mind if your husband shagged your best mate if you died. I’d hope mine would far more respect for me and our history then to shag my best mate but I suppose we don’t all have those standards.
What standards do you have that you think you have the right to dictate who your partner falls in love with after you die? Or how long he should be lonely for? This isn't a Funeral Wake Hook Upm. Op isn't asking of its OK thry had a quick behodm the church.

And personally I have excellent tastes in friends so if DH started seeing one of them after my death, at least I know he'd be happy and loved. I love him too much to want him to martyr himself with loneliness

I would just think that the deceased would be this thing between you forever.

Whatever about moving on sooner or later, but the only thing you have in common is a dead person. That might be too morbid for me to get past!

If I understand a PP correctly, her sister was pregnant by her late husband's best friend within three months of his death! I really do think that's weird...

Although you do both sound like nice people, be prepared for others to think (hopefully privately) that's it's a bit crass. He really couldn't wait even a year? And out of all the women in the world, his late wife's bestie just happens to be the one for him. Slightly tacky but up to you I suppose.

that's it's a bit crass. He really couldn't wait even a year? And out of all the women in the world, his late wife's bestie just happens to be the one for him. Slightly tacky but up to you I suppose.

More judgement on how the widowed should behave eh? Finding love with another person is not crass or tacky. Your judgement however is extremely crass.

OP I think this thread has shown you that, mean spirited people will be there to judge. This is always the case in life.

You should do what you feel is right.

I think it all sounds perfect. Go for it xxx

I’m only giving an opinion because you’ve asked for one but I think it’s awful. It’s nice that you’re friends and supporting each other but why does it need to go further? Would you really want to have sex with someone who’s had sex with a close friend (no matter if that person is dead or alive).

I think this is less about 'Love' and more about 'Familiarity' for people grieving.. we are comforted by that shared connection..

It’s not too soon, and it’s actually a lovely story. But take it slowly, he may have unresolved issues relating to the death.