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Original poster

In love with late friend’s husband

302 replies

CrossingTheLine · 19/07/2020 19:33

My dearest friend died after a long illness in December last year. Her husband was devastated, as was I. During lockdown we have been messaging each other. It started with just checking that we were ok but then progressed to longer conversations. I found I was waiting for his texts every morning. Then we started to go for socially distanced walks and have grown closer. Yesterday we went for a meal and he told me that he had feelings for me. I realise I feel the same but I just feel so guilty about my friend. Is it too soon?

OP posts:
rooarsome · 19/07/2020 23:49

This happened to my friend- they have now been married for 5 years.

DazzleCamouflage · 19/07/2020 23:58

I would assume he was one of those tragically unbalanced men who are completely incapable of being single, whether their relationship ended through death, divorce etc, and worry he’d grabbed you semi-automatically simply because you were there. I would be very wary of it, OP.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/07/2020 23:59

but the only thing you have in common is a dead person that's such an odd assumption. DH's BestF and I share a taste in the same books that DH has no interest in and we both work(ed) in the same sector ,DH does not. So there's stuff I have n common with him that I don't have in common with DH. Then there's common interests / traits / values that makes DH value both of us.

Sk1nnyB1tch · 20/07/2020 00:04

I think if you have both have feelings then there is no harm in continuing to go on walks and have meals and call each other.
Social Distancing has brought back old fashioned courtship for those following it.
The slower pace of this will hopefully give you the time to see if there is more than shared grief and comfort seeking to your feelings.
If it helps I have a life limiting illness and am very likely to die before my DH.
The disagreements on this thread have given me great amusement trying to imagine which of my friends he might end up with.
I might amuse myself tomorrow by asking him who he thinks Grin

LockdownLemon · 20/07/2020 00:07

This happened to my mum. She was good friends with a couple and provided lots of practical support as the wife died of cancer. A few weeks after the wife's funeral, the husband announced his feelings for my mum. They were a couple for 12 months - he used my mum to get him through all those tough 'firsts', and then he dumped her as he went off to find his new life.

Shmurf · 20/07/2020 00:12

I don't think I could shack up with my best mate's partner six months after they died, but you're both adults and what you feel is best matters more than the opinions of others.

Viviennemary · 20/07/2020 00:14

It's just unseemly, distasteful. But if you're not bothered then get on with it.

coronabeer23 · 20/07/2020 00:33

I find some of these comments so upsetting. I can only assume they’re made by people who have never been widowed. Try walking a mile in a widows shoes and until you have done that you can’t comment it’s too soon or disrespectful etc

I’m widowed. I did come to terms with my husband dying Long before it happened. Widowhood is lonely, you can grieve whilst still being with someone else. Life is short, there’s no set time periods. Go and enjoy and don’t for gods sake listen to people who spout such nonsense as “don’t do anything for a year”

OrlandoInTheWilderness · 20/07/2020 00:46

My grandad lost my grandma to cancer. Her best friend supported him (took him hot pot etc!) and they were together 6 months later. Still together 36 years on, and they are so much in love still. They did lose friends at the time, but they have made each other very happy.
Family always joked it was her hotpot!

Shmurf · 20/07/2020 00:57

I've tried to quantify why it feels a bit off to me, and I think it's the following.

I (and I think most people) wouldn't be particularly thrilled with their bestie getting together with their recent ex. In this situation, the only difference is that your friend is no longer about to protest.

If you don't care then why limit it to the husband of your deceased friend? You could shack up with the husband of one of your happily married friends and they'd at least be able to move on and find happiness somewhere else. Being alive and pissed off is still better than being dead. I guess I just feel that respect for that person shouldn't die with them.

KarenMcKaren · 20/07/2020 01:01

In this situation, the only difference is that your friend is no longer about to protest.

No, the major difference here is that they have died. And people are allowed to move on with their lives. If I died I would not have a problem with DH having a relationship with my friend. I would want him to be happy.

Shmurf · 20/07/2020 01:06

No, the major difference here is that they have died.

Which is exactly what I meant by no longer being about to protest.

I don't see.a.problem with moving on. In fact, the father of my sister's best friend lost his wife and moved on quite fast. His daughters supported him and he has now been with her for several years.

It's the thought of my best mate sleeping with my partner that feels wrong to me. I'd hate that to happen if I died.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/07/2020 01:08

I wouldn't be particularly thrilled with their bestie getting together with their recent ex. but he's your ex for a reason, it's rarely he's an amazing guy is it, and every couples thing there's your ex. If you wanna moan he doesn't pay csa or the sex is better with the next guy, you can't do that to your bf if she's shagging him. That doesn't apply if you die and therefore leave someone you consider to be great.

You could shack up with the husband of one of your happily married friends you're being absurd,
if you think cheating with your best friends husband is the same as any relationship that husband has after your death.

Alsohuman · 20/07/2020 01:09

It's the thought of my best mate sleeping with my partner that feels wrong to me. I'd hate that to happen if I died

I’d far rather mine got together with someone I love and trust than some random stranger but I guess we’re all different.

KarenMcKaren · 20/07/2020 01:18

It's the thought of my best mate sleeping with my partner that feels wrong to me. I'd hate that to happen if I died.

Weird to be possesive over what someone does with their lives after you've died. Surely if you really love someone you would want them to be happy. Not moping around or only allowed to be with people pre approved by you. And if that person they fall in love with happens to be your friend so what. Why not be happy that two people you allegedly care about might find future happiness with each other.

Shmurf · 20/07/2020 01:33

It just feels too close to home for me. My partner is asleep next to me as I type this and it's just so odd to think of my best mate lying here in my place. It'd be different with a stranger.

Like, if for some reason I was asked to tend to a deceased friend's property after they died (just an example) I wouldn't want to do anything which I know they'd have hated whilst alive, even though they'd never know.

Jamestown · 20/07/2020 01:39

Many happily married men re-marry very quickly after their wife's death as they want to be looked after and assume that all marriages are happy. Just think of Paul McCartney and his marriage to Heather Mills after his beloved Linda died. That marriage ended in one of the most acrimonious divorces ever to go through the English Court.
Tread carefully but I hope that you and he will be happy.

Ozgirl75 · 20/07/2020 01:41

My aunt lost my uncle after a long illness 7 years ago. She was in her late 50s. She had also lost her friend to cancer about a year earlier.
She has now been with that friend’s husband for about 2 years and they seem really happy together. If it makes you happy, go for it. We only get one life and you have to grab happy opportunities with both hands.

Ozgirl75 · 20/07/2020 01:43

@OrlandoInTheWilderness

My grandad lost my grandma to cancer. Her best friend supported him (took him hot pot etc!) and they were together 6 months later. Still together 36 years on, and they are so much in love still. They did lose friends at the time, but they have made each other very happy. Family always joked it was her hotpot!
That’s some hotpot! Wink
KarenMcKaren · 20/07/2020 01:43

i wouldn't want to do anything which I know they'd have hated whilst alive

Personally I would prefer to live my life as I wanted and would want them to do the same. I think it's pretty selfish to try and put restrictions on how someone else lives their life after you die. But hey, we're all different.

Ozgirl75 · 20/07/2020 01:44

Also, if I died, I would hate to think of my husband all sad and alone, I would love to think that one of my friends would fall in love with him and make him smile again. Would 100% give it my heavenly blessing.

Shmurf · 20/07/2020 01:59

Personally I would prefer to live my life as I wanted and would want them to do the same.

So, if your current partner wanted to sleep with your best friend you'd be ok with this as long as that's how they wanted to live their lives?

And you can't put generally put restrictions on what other people do anyway, but it doesnt mean you can't disapprove.

Shmurf · 20/07/2020 02:03

My opinion is only that and if people don't agree then fine. But I feel most wouldn't be happy with a friend sleeping with their ex whilst alive, and I don't see why that should change with death.

If my mate hated Oasis I wouldn't play Wonderwall at her funeral just because I'd rather hear it to her music, even if she'd never know.

1forAll74 · 20/07/2020 02:03

You both will know that it takes time to get over losing someone dear.But if you have both been feeling something special together, there is nothing wrong with this. You can't put a time limit on how long it takes to get over losing someone. everyone is different. You will eventually know if this new relationship is going to work later on. Just be happy.

Ablackrussian · 20/07/2020 02:21

Grief does funny things to people.

Men, especially, look for quick replacements.

At this point in his life, someone is better than no one. And I'm sorry, OP, but it sounds like you're just anyone; someone to fill the gap. I say this because of the 'speed' that he is moving.

Make sure that he is not using you as a band-aid, so that he doesn't have to face reality (on his own).

I just hope he doesn't hurt you. And doesn't fuck you off, once he has gone through the stages of grief and is ready to find true love.