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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In love with late friend’s husband

302 replies

CrossingTheLine · 19/07/2020 19:33

My dearest friend died after a long illness in December last year. Her husband was devastated, as was I. During lockdown we have been messaging each other. It started with just checking that we were ok but then progressed to longer conversations. I found I was waiting for his texts every morning. Then we started to go for socially distanced walks and have grown closer. Yesterday we went for a meal and he told me that he had feelings for me. I realise I feel the same but I just feel so guilty about my friend. Is it too soon?

OP posts:
Emeraldshamrock · 19/07/2020 22:05

I skim read the thread so didn't notice. Do they have young DC together.

Emeraldshamrock · 19/07/2020 22:06

Okay I saw no DC.
Go for it OP.

Alsohuman · 19/07/2020 22:07

@Emeraldshamrock

I skim read the thread so didn't notice. Do they have young DC together.
No.

OP has adult children. The widower has none. I may be completely wrong but I think they’re in their 50s or maybe 60s. Plenty old enough to know what they’re doing and have probably known each other for decades.

AlternativePerspective · 19/07/2020 22:08

Well, as two people who already knew each other it’s entirely possible that feelings strengthened during lockdown and the communications they had. It’s not the same as e.g. “I met a bloke on OLD the week before lockdown and now we’re in love.”

Happymum12345 · 19/07/2020 22:09

There is no time limit with grieve. Men tend to find love again a little quicker, especially if they were happily married as they want to replicate that feeling. I say follow your heart & seize the day. Life is precious as you both know only too well.

daisychain01 · 19/07/2020 22:10

@NailsNeedDoing

I’m six years into being a widow and I think the one thing that is guaranteed is that you will be judged for dating a widower, as will he be. But the judgement comes from people who have no first hand experience of being in a situation like this so their opinions are worth next to nothing. People project their own fears when they make judgments like this, it’s because they’re scared that their own partner would be able to be with someone else if they died, or because they genuinely can’t imagine moving forward if they became widowed. I chose to feel thankful on their behalf that they had no clue what it feels like to lose the person you thought you’d have for so much longer, and let it go.

You do what makes you both feel happier. Life is too fragile not to.

Absolutely agree - the judgy unkind sanctimonious posters are people who don't have the experience of losing a life partner and having to rebuild their shattered life. They're alright Jack, they can stand in moral judgement that's because it's never happened to them.

How ludicrous to say it's too soon, you need to wait x amount of time, 2 months more, 3 months more, Christmas, just shows how fucking clueless people are, like there's a stop watch ticking and when the alarm goes off in 2 months time it'll be the right time. Dear me.

Tooshytoshine · 19/07/2020 22:10

Life is too short to spend worry about timing...

It will be a heart ache or a happy ending but it will be life.

Go into it lightly, take things slowly and treat it philosophically. Enjoy it xx

KarenMcKaren · 19/07/2020 22:11

Obviously people do things their own way, but the general advice for people who have been widowed is to wait a year before making any major decisions. I guess this would count as a major decision. And widowed men generally do tend to rush into new relationships quicker than women do. Personally I would take it very slowly for the year and see where you're at then. It would be a shame to rush in too soon and it all goes wrong. All the best whatever you both decide Flowers

rvby · 19/07/2020 22:13

I'd say it's more to do with most men respecting their cock more than their dead wives to be honest ... why should a person "respect" a literal corpse more than their own living, breathing, lonely body? Do spouses somehow "belong" to each other from beyond the grave? If so, how long does one have to wait before the dead will be ok with the living having sex?

Half this thread is like reading comments from the Stone Age. Bizarre.

SignOnTheWindow · 19/07/2020 22:13

@NailsNeedDoing I totally agree (widowed 11 years here). I have since married one of my partner's best friends. It happens a lot apparently, which makes total sense given everyone probably shares similar interests, outlook, sense of humour etc.

What a lot of people don't seem to understand is that becoming involved in another romantic relationship doesn't mean you have lost the love you had for the person who has died. The heart expands.

My husband and I both love and miss my ex partner very much. We also love each other.

BluebellForest836 · 19/07/2020 22:17

@wildone84 - good for you. Round of applause that you wouldn’t mind if your husband shagged your best mate if you died. I’d hope mine would far more respect for me and our history then to shag my best mate but I suppose we don’t all have those standards.

wildone84 · 19/07/2020 22:18

[quote BluebellForest836]@wildone84 - good for you. Round of applause that you wouldn’t mind if your husband shagged your best mate if you died. I’d hope mine would far more respect for me and our history then to shag my best mate but I suppose we don’t all have those standards.[/quote]
It isn't about standards, it's about loving your spouse enough to want them to seize another chance at happiness. And it isn't about shagging either, it's about love.

Bebbanburger · 19/07/2020 22:21

It happened to one of my friends. They are still happily together years later and I don't know anyone who wasn't happy for them even though it was very quick. Life is for living. Go for it

SleepingStandingUp · 19/07/2020 22:22

Op yopu and he both know life is too short, that it can be gone too soon. Why waste it being alone if you can find happiness together?

yes go slow, having kids with kids yourself could make you 40 or 80, which may also reflect on how long they were married. I'd take that into consideration when proceeding but don't waste what time is left regretting not giving love a chance

KarenMcKaren · 19/07/2020 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ as it quotes a deleted post.

Xanthie · 19/07/2020 22:23

OP please don't take any of the negative comments to heart, neither of you are doing anything wrong.

If you choose to proceed then there are alot of people here that wish you well, me being one of them. Everybody deserves a second chance at happiness Flowers

yelyah22 · 19/07/2020 22:24

Tread carefully but go for it, I say. Maybe keep to yourselves until next year, don't move in together for a good while. Let him grieve properly (and you!).

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/07/2020 22:26

[quote BluebellForest836]@wildone84 - good for you. Round of applause that you wouldn’t mind if your husband shagged your best mate if you died. I’d hope mine would far more respect for me and our history then to shag my best mate but I suppose we don’t all have those standards.[/quote]
If she is anything like you, I dont think you will have much to worry about, he will probably be too busy being bloody grateful for the peace and quiet.

Hairnotfair · 19/07/2020 22:30

Other side of the coin here...my DM died and A few days later a friend of hers and my fathers visited. I had no reason to think it strange as there were naturally visitors to the house anyway.
Turns out her own DH had died a month before. 2 weeks after my mother died, her and DF went for a drink. To cut a very long story short within 6 months she’d moved in with DF making it quite plain that if anyone didn’t like it they could lump it.
Both her and DF acted so entitled and uncaring of anyone’s feelings, it completely blindsided the relationship between myself and DF and as a result to keep the peace (and because I wouldn’t ‘accept’ her) he doesn’t speak to me - it’s been 5 years now.
They are still together, she made herself and her family very much at home and it appears my father simply does as he’s told - he always was one for an easy life.
So, there you go, just try and be considerate of people’s feeling and give them time to get their heads around it.
They won’t be feeling the same feelings as you so don’t assume they will.

billy1966 · 19/07/2020 22:32

Well him not having children mean he has less to worry about.

You too are without responsibilities.

I think a long illness does make a difference. IMO the grieving has been going on long before your dear friends death.
Take your time but I definitely think ye shoukd go for it.
Life is short indeed.

KarenMcKaren · 19/07/2020 22:33

good for you. Round of applause that you wouldn’t mind if your husband shagged your best mate if you died. I’d hope mine would far more respect for me and our history then to shag my best mate but I suppose we don’t all have those standards

I would just want my husband to be happy. And if that meant him having a relationship with my friend, and it's what they wanted, I would want that for them too. I find people like you utterly bizarre.

Alsohuman · 19/07/2020 22:38

@KarenMcKaren

good for you. Round of applause that you wouldn’t mind if your husband shagged your best mate if you died. I’d hope mine would far more respect for me and our history then to shag my best mate but I suppose we don’t all have those standards

I would just want my husband to be happy. And if that meant him having a relationship with my friend, and it's what they wanted, I would want that for them too. I find people like you utterly bizarre.

Me too. If my bloke got together with one of my friends after my death I’d be delighted. Far better that than some unknown stranger.
TheNavigator · 19/07/2020 22:39

@Hairnotfair I am sorry you lost your mother. I will say this very gently, but after 5 years, could you not see you way to accepting your father's new partner & trying to rebuild a relationship with him? She has obviously made him happy and would you want him to be sad and lonely forever? Someone needs to take the first step to reopen channels of communication.

Germolenequeen · 19/07/2020 22:40

Another saying life is short - if you don't explore this you may regret it - very best wishes - really hope it works out for you 💐

Featherfriend · 19/07/2020 22:41

Taking OP comment on board this isn't about sex & jumping into her dead friends bed. Its companionship & company. You have a lot in common. You both loved her & grieving together. Just take it slowly. Keep your own homes. Life is short, you don't seem to be hurting anyone so be happy. Enjoy your time together.